Favorite quotes from frequent off topic posters

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BoltThrower87 wrote:

I'm not claiming divinity. I've never claimed purity of soul. I've never claimed to have the answers to life. I only put out songs and answer questions as honestly as I can... But I still believe in peace, love and understanding.

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Moonyu wrote:

A beard will never talk back
A beard is more attractive when it’s hairy and fat
A beard’ll stick by you when a woman won’t
A beard looks better with age, women don’t
You can attack your beard with a razor, it’ll keep coming back

You can stroke your beard all night, it’ll never get tired
And a beard will never up and leave you and attach itself to some other guy, no
A beard will do what you want, it will always behave
A beard will never ask you to shave
If you throw up all over your beard, your beard won’t mind

A beard won’t care if you’re shit in the sack
And a beard will never get together with the other beards
and talk about you behind your back, oh
A beard won’t get angry, or jealous or weird
If it sees you looking at another man’s beard
A beard will never go and start having sex with some guy from her work, and then try and turn that shit around by telling you it’s your fault ‘cos you never paid any attention to her feelings

A beard won’t turn and walk away
A beard will be with you all the way
I’ll take a beard over a woman any old day
I said I’ll take a beard over a woman any day

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Upandatem wrote:

Wendy? Darling? Light, of my life. I'm not gonna hurt ya. You didn't let me finish my sentence. I said, I'm not gonna hurt ya. I'm just going to bash your brains in.

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Moonyu wrote:

"I ought to be crucified, crucified on a cross, not pitied! Crucify me, oh judge, crucify me but pity me!"

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Moonyu wrote:

My butt is itchy.

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VictorDoom wrote:

I've just heard that the Moon is having trouble getting into a "full" state due to his severe itchiness.

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Xpire wrote:

Dark nights ahead then till he can get some cream or some shit that will help ease his discomfort.

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Lachdanan wrote:

I foretold this from the very start. We need a back up Moon for just such an emergency.

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Juicebox360 wrote:

I knew this kid from school who once had an itchy butt. It didn't turn out so well for them. Red butt cheeks like a baboon.

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Arnold_Schwarzenegger wrote:

Speaking of lifting, has anyone ever lifted with an itchy butt? It ain't easy, I'll tell you that.

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Deceptionist wrote:

When my butt itches, I don't scratch it.

Firstly, I imagine what it must be like to be a butt cheek that's experiencing an itch, whether it's a physical manifestation or an imagined irritation.

I'll then begin to envision what outcome a simple scratch could mean. Will it solve the immediate problem or create a paradox of endless time loops that all eclipse themselves into a meaningless outcome.

My willpower and consciousness begins to send messages to my butt that overrides the sensation of the itch.

Unfortunately whilst I was using all my willpower to achieve this feat, my subconscious took control and before I even knew it, my hand scratched my butt, instantly rendering all the thought process involved redundant.