A good story

Beardmaster slew twenty men, but there were far too many for it to make a difference! He raged and maxed his bicep points as he threw Captain McGregor to the ground and slew him. It was every enemy he had ever fought! Even his second grade bully was standing in the distance hurling rocks.

His beard was far less confident than normal, Yo beardo I know this is a dream or whatever but it's taking a very real amount of energy to fight.

Don't worry, I know a move, but we have to wait for Jackerjohn.

No way, you can't do that move with an illusion!

If everything in this dream is real as it seems, the move will work as well as ever

And if it's not?

Fuck it, Beardmaster side kicked the Black Bandito as his beard cursed Julias the Offensive with -25% criticals.

The fuck?, Beardmaster innerscreamed at his beard, Just kill them don't waste your time with curses

No way, his beard insisted, curses are considered metaphysical in this place and do a bonus 50 damage.

Beardmaster slapped Julias in the face and watched him keel over and die.

Shit beard, your right. He had no hp at all.

Been doing this all night boyee, get on board and we can double our speed

Beardmaster laughed as he fell in to his best rhythm for fighting, Your right, If we don't know how long we could be stuck here, we might as well make a game of it

Fuck it, his beard laughed, I'm getting bored of this shit.

Hear that bro

So Bearmaster and his beard continued battling the foes, but competing in fun ways like the dwarf and elf in that lord of the rings movie. It enhanced their experience by about 120% and before an hour had passed they knew that their fighting power had improved by at least 50% It was a pretty rad experience and the two wayward companions bonded as they never had in all of Beardmasters years. They had grown together for all their time, but always with a distance between them. In a way, they had never really felt like one was part of the other, and for all either of them knew, this was truth. How else could such a beard be bound to a child if not for sinister and illegitimate magics? But now they knew each others best moves as intimately as they knew their own. Sure, they had seen them before, but they had never really known them. On this shattered night they truly fought as one for the first time, and in the moment they realized a power that had waited until that time to be awakened.

Kafffuck! That should be the last of them, Beardmasters Beard cursed as it slew seventy five men, using a single strand of beard each. The only reason it hadn't slayed them all was that those were the last enemies. The beard knew that it had achieved mode, but knew moreso that it would never had been possible without Beardmaster. It oathed to never degrade the value of its human ever again. Too many times it had assumed sovereignty over the duo's successes, but very often as of late their survival could be attributed to Beardmasters cunning as much as the beards secret powers.

You did well tonight, the Beard commented.

Beardmaster laughed heartily, You too, beard.

Didn't think you'd be able to keep up

Barely broke a sweat, Beardmaster darted his eyes about as he wiped so much sweat off his forehead.

Lol whatever

Suck it.

Suddenly the universe ripped open and there before them stood none other than Jeff Christ.

"Hurry Beardmaster, I can't hold this open for long"

"Haha, you can't fool me with that, we slew that man long ago!"

"No, you don't understand, I am bound by a token of forgiveness to anyone who slays me, it is the price of my immortality! I am here because, until I pay that debt, I cannot truly be free again."

"But we slew you!"

"It wasn't your fault, the other curse of my gift is that people get the urge to slay me frequently. Believe me when I say I didn't read the fine print."

"Fine print on what?", Beardmaster furrowed his eyes.

"The best spell. Well, that's how they marketed it to us anyways."

"Who?"

"Jabroni's, we went into the badlands seeking secrets. My brother Jesus was as secret hunter too, until he.. left."

Beardmaster had to admit, this a little far from the usual script. He knew nothing about Jeff Christ, not enough for the Thingamajic to build a solid narrative, but then, maybe that's what the thing wanted him to think.

No, this guy's legit

You better be sure

I am man, he's not reading like the rest of it. In fact his aura is way off. The only other time I felt that was when we saw him last time. I knew there was something going on with him but I couldn't place it. Now I know, it was his immortality.

"What you got?", Beardmaster flexed his muscles.

Jeff continued, "We encountered some Jabroni's, they attacked us and we killed them. Four weeks later they attacked us again. Again we killed them all, there were twenthy three of them, if I'm remembering correct. They kept showing up for about three months. At that point we had realized what was happening and that it was very badass. I think both sides grew to enjoy the encounters, for as much as it harmed them when we killed their asses, they knew they would return, and grew a taste for the challenge. Eventually they decided fuck it we were pretty awesome, and decided to show us their secrets. Because they understood that getting their asses kicked was part of the spell, they couldn't blame us too hard. I wish they had let us in on the secret, but then, that was probably their intent. They were still sort of dicks, you see. Still, I am glad to have sought this secret."

"What now?"

"I break you guys out of this shit. You think a secret hunter has never danced with a Thingamajic before?"

Yay, he's still at it!

Legend ran like Legend (he was good at track and field and known in some circuits, so he was the best example of how fast he was going) through the hollow corridor. It was certainly a trap, but maybe some of his kinetic energy would transfer to the real world, in essence, he figured it was better to keep moving, even if the corridor never ended. Every now and then he threw full force into one of the outer wall in an attempt to bust it out, but it didn't work. He was like, fuck! But then he got the the end of it and there was an epic castle in the courtyard.

"Holy shit", Legend breathed heavily, "Good thing that worked."

How the fuck, his beard was awestruck, did you know?

"I didn't!"

Watch out!

Suddenly three kung fu men threw punches at Legend. These punches had perfect technique and would have thrown Legend off balance if his beard hadn't caught and destroyed the kung fu mens' hands with crushing force. The kung fu men screamed as they faded into oblivion.

"That was a desperate move. Maybe it didn't mean for us to get here."

lets go.

Legend rushed for the castle, but before he reached it, saw the Thingamajic rise from the ground, seven times its original size.

"So, you finally show yourself!"

The creature opened its mouth and spewed hot acid at legend, who dodged to the side while pulling a legendary sword from ten ages ago from his beard. It was the blade his ancestor had used.

"Yes! I knew you could find it!"

My pleasure, his beard chuckled as he lept for the Thingamajic with renewed vigor.

The creature was faster than fast man and smacked his broken body against a solid wall that it created with its awesome magic. Legend tried to get up but his knees were both shattered.

"Fuck you!", he shouted as the beast imposed upon him.

Suddenly the backdrop tore open and there stood Beardmaster and Jeff Christ.

The creature knew they were there instantly and killed Jeff with a fireball. Beardmaster dodged to the side and rushed the creature, drawing twin machetes from his beard. The creatured slashed with blinding speed, but Beardmaster was able to flip just out of range, landing very close to its foot. The Thingamajic kicked with full power, but Beardmaster caught the foot and held it tight as his beard wrapped around the leg. Beardmaster heaved his head back as he pushed off and tore the creatures leg off at the knee. His beard quickly retracted as he watched for the creatures reaction.

"Impressive", the creature said as its leg grew back, "But this is my world."

It kicked harshly and Beardmaster was thrown back, but before he could fly two feet his beard lashed against the ground and stopped his movement, rapidly pushing him forward toward the creatures head. As he was propelled upwards, Beardmaster swung both machetes. Instead of cutting, however, the machetes hit nothing but air. Beardmasters settled on the ground and his beard retracted as he looked back, then forward, then back again.

The second time he looked back, he was met with a grueling sight. From the flaming head of the Thingamajic protruded a sword he had seen before. Frustrated that he couldn't name the sword, Beardmaster consulted his rolodex. Oh no! He had no rolodex in this place! Moments later the creature feel too the ground and Beardmaster could see Legend kicking its corpse off his sword, his beared wrapped around his damaged legs to brace them.

Legend placed his ancestors blade back in his beard as he spoke, "It knew our moves, but nothing of our beards."

"We should thank Jeff Christ, he helped us team up on it."

"What was he doing here anyway", Legend wondered aloud?

"He's immortal from a spell, but if someone kills him he owes them a debt of forgiveness in his next life."

"No way? For real?"

"For real."

"Wait? Doesn't that mean he owes the creature a debt?"

"It would if he was dead."

"But he died."

"Turns out", Beardmaster smirked, "Jeff's a man of many talents."

Legend scoffed, "Why the fuck would he help us? It's gotta be a trap, or just another trick of that creature."

Suddenly there was a brutal scream and the castle exploded before their eyes. Before they could really register that fact, the dream world evaporated around them and they saw Jeff Christ holding the Thingamajics head in his hands. By the look of the spine it had clearly been twisted off.

"Good shit, Christ", Beardmaster proclaimed.

DALE! Welcome back bro! and as we all knew, JC WAS a badass ¦) gg fella!

More please?!?!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2eepsCXpLY4

"So can I be on the team?"

Beardmaster thought about it with some contempt, "But you could be a liability, sir. What if our enemies defeat you? Then you might have to fight us!"

"Hmmm", Legend pondered, "It's true, Christ, your gift is also a curse."

"This is very true", Christ frowned, "It is a heavier burden than I anticipated, but I beseech you to recognize the true value of having a secret hunter along for the ride! Did you know that I was the one to unearth the stone of sorrow from the lost temple of Jack Daniels?"

"Ah yes", Beardmaster stroked his beard, "The legendary stone said to be able to cast the harrowing depression of thirty years of alcoholism in a single blast! What became of it?"

"I used it to aid the ill fated people of Morrowside against a devil lord from the fifth plane, then the devil got sad and went home to cry. It now resides in my secret storage space back home, as do many of the secrets that I have no room for on my person."

"I admit", Beardmaster admitted, "Your skills could come in handy."

"No shit!", Jeff laughed, "When it comes to secret hunting there's none better in the biz, and from the sounds of it you are after one well guarded secret indeed. Come on you guys! This could be the crowning achievement of my career."

Beardmaster looked over at Legend who simply shrugged and then crossed his arms. Beardmaster turned back to Jeff.

"Alright, Christ. You can tag along", he said as he menaced towards the slightly smaller and far less bearded man, "But let me make this perfectly clear, this isn't just some secret to me, this is the truth of my very existence I am seeking. I will not have you skulking around and trying to run off with any artifacts we discover, you dig?"

Jeff nodded wholeheartedly, "Of course! I get what this quest means to you, Beardmaster. Remember, a secret needs not be material to hold value. Sometimes the knowledge is its own reward."

"Good", Beardmaster smiled, "Really, it's the least we can do after you made such short work or that creature. We could have been stuck in that shit for a long, long time."

"Wasn't no thang", Jeff smirked at the broken corpse of the Thingamajic, "Staying three steps ahead of one isn't so hard if you're properly equipped and know what steps to take. Remind me to give you guys a crash course some time. Oh that reminds me."

Jeff walked over to the Thingamajics severed head and began to pry out pieces of the creatures upper spine with a thin curved knife.

"The creatures spinal fluid", he explained, "is extremely valuable for its ability to endow temporary psychic abilities. I always try to harvest it when I have the chance. How do you think I got in there to help you?"

Jeff opened up his coat to reveal reveal about sixteen vials of various shapes and colors. He popped the cap off of one and shook the spine fragment above it, allowing a thick yellow substance to drip into the vial.

Legend was visibly disgusted, "Gross man! You drink that?"

"Well I water it down a bunch first. Chugging the straight substance would fry any mans brain! Figure I could probably get fifty flasks out of this, at twenty gold a pop thats.. well a shitload of money!"

Claps and summond the godz of storeytelling to take a seat next to Dale to get sumerilly schooled in the are of storey telling!

"You know, Jeff", Beardmaster considered, "I'm sorry I misjudged you before. I assumed you were a total idiot because, well, you come off as a total idiot, no offense."

"None taken", Jeff smiled, clearly immune to such commentary.

"Alright then, Legend, bust out that map. Lets figure out our next move."

"Word."

Legend busted out the map on a small table and used his beard to activate its secret display.

"Ancient Planet", Jeff said as he studied the map, "Sick."

Beardmaster nodded, "The place we're heading isn't on any current map. Hasn't been for a long fucking time. Legend, the badlands should be around this spot eh?"

Beardmaster pointed to a spot that appeared to have been a small stretch of ocean between the two continents that now formed the mainland.

"Oh without a doubt!", Jeff interjected, "Don't you guys know why the badlands are so bad?"

Legend raised his eyebrows, "Huh?"

"Apparently this segment of land is actually an exposed underground pocket from before the sundering. I'm talking like, below the ocean, magma and shit. Nobody even knows how long some of these creatures had been evolving before this place was pushed to the surface. You can see it in the way some of these creatures act, they aren't used to the day/night cycles like we are."

"Like the blightmongers..", Beardmaster pondered.

"Exactly! They are used to having the constant localized sources of energy. I imagine there were like turf wars over the best magma pools and the like. They just aren't adapted to handle our nights, which is why they can barely function. During the day however.. watch the fuck out.. little bitches go into overdrive."

"We noticed", Beardmaster, "How the hell do you know that?"

"Secrets, bitches. I been around."

Beardmaster continued, "Ok well anyways, that creature really set us back a bit."

"Yeah", Legend said, "The temple is still way up there. We really need to get back to civilization and find some kind of a ride. It's still gona be about a weeks walk north before we hit any more towns."

"That", Jeff piped in, "Depends on your definition of town."

Beardmaster pondered, "What do you.."

"Jabroni's..", Legend realized.

"Right. Get your game faces on. We're going to jack their shit."

Quells the rapturous applause with a warcry heard accross the infinity of space....... "show some respect for master Winters.........."..... Silence befalls creation waiting anxously for more truth-saying of times past.