A good story

Beardmaster and Legend swiveled around the outskirts of a small Jabroni village. The closer they got to the center of Jabroni territory the less mobile the encampments seemed to become. They had long heard stories of the looting pillagers that ravaged these lands, but perhaps these data were skewed by the fact that few souls dared venture close enough to the center of all the activity.

"Christ has been gone for way too long", Legend cussed through his teeth as he ducked under cover behind a thorn-fence on the outskirts of the village.

"Give him time, the man seems to know what he's doing."

"With our beards, we could just as easily ride on the prime fort and smash it to dust!"

Beardmaster laughed, "Always the ying to my yang Legend. Don't get me wrong, it comes in handy at the right times, but Christ is right, there's no need for bloodshed if we do this right. In and out and we have ourselves the mounts we came for. Look at this village, it's full of women and children, and there will only be more as we move towards the fort."

"They are still Jabroni's. The hell with the whole lot of em. Most of those kids will grow up to be bandits and raiders like their fathers, like those inbreds that attacked us a while back. I mean, look at that, that's not cool."

The two watched in disgust as a small circle of Jabroni men gathered around a couple of children armed with hard wooden sticks and made forced them to battle while a hearty fat man who was acting as the bookie laughed merrily and took bets.

The contest ended when the smaller of the two landed a blow that could easily have cracked the larger ones skull and the crowd roared in approval. Two men came out of the crowd and dragged the boys back, one being showered with praise and the other cursed for his lack of dexterity. At least one mans crying wife was grudgingly handed over as payment.

"Fair enough", Beardmaster resigned at the display, "But it's still better that we don't attract unneeded attention. Wait a sec, isn't that Christ in the middle of that crowd??"

Legend squinted to get a better look, "Fucking hell it is."

The man they were looking at, garbed in battle worn Jabroni clothing and carrying a satchel, turned and gave them a discreet thumbs up as he collected his winnings.

This is truly awesome stuff right there.
I enjoy it, please continue! :D

After about twenty minutes of arguing and brawling the crowd slowly began to disperse and Jabroni's returned to their only slightly less despicable daily activities. Beardmaster and Legend monitored Jeffs movements as he chugged back a flagon of ale with a few of the other winners and bid them farewell. At least he tried to. The burly Jabronis pretty much dragged the man into the local pub for extra flagons, not that Jeff put up that much of a fight.

"That idiot", Legend slammed his fist down on an innocent butterfly, "Seriouly Beard, let's burn that pub to the ground and get on with this."

Beardmaster was almost on the page, "I'll kill the man myself if they haven't already done the honors."

Legend chuckled, "Heh, for as much good as that'll do. They have to know he's not one of them."

"Maybe not", Beardmaster queried his intellect, "Even at a hub like this, a lot of the Jabroni's are pretty transient. I'm sure he has a good story to go with his ruse."

"A good story might be all that cretin is good for."

The window shone with flashing lights as they heard the muffled sound of laughter for another thirty odd minutes. Despite insisting that they were going to bash in the door and also Jeff Christs face, they gave the man the time he needed.

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Jeff was sitting at a table with the same group he had entered with and did his best to make light of the brutal stories they were cackling about. These were clearly men of the lowest grade, and even he had to stretch to bend his tales to their level of depravity. The drinks flowed freely as he bought another round for the table using the last of his winnings.

The dark skinned man to his right named Danno was more talking at him than to him, lost in a drunken tirade. Jeff did his best to steer the conversation while trying to avoid looking at the nasty gash where his left eye had been.

"It's all fuckery if ya ask me", Danno roared, "Parn aint got no more claim to these lands as anyone and he'll get what's comin to em I tell yah. Treatin us like we aint no Jabroni's at all. My sisters band got attacked, swears it was by his men. It won't stand I tell yah!"

"Never does", Christ took a sip of his ale and nodded knowingly.

"Took'em from the skies they did, not a fighting chance."

"Oh get off it Dan", a taller and paler man by the name of Luzz interjected, "Yer whore sister had it coming hunting so close to the fort."

Danno turned away from Jeff, who was thankful for a reprieve from the mans terrible breath.

"Say it again ya sorry blight-beast!"

Luzz got up closer and spilled a bit of his drink on Danno, "It ain't no secret lil man, half the men at this table dun bedded that wench"

Danno got up and squared off with Luzz, his bulky frame still menacing in the shadow of the taller man.

"Ah warned you you son of a bitch!"

"Come on then, I been waiting for this."

They eyed each other menacingly as the crowd waited for someone to make a move. Moves were most certainly made as Danno threw a wild haymaker at Luzz's face. The move hit nothing but air as Luzz ducked under and flipped a smooth wavy dagger from under his sleeve and thrust it for Danno's neck. There was a flash of silver and Luzz felt the dagger fly from his hand moments before a sweet kung fu kick knocked him back six feet.

Jeff Christ now stood between the two larger men with his short sword at the ready and a dead-sober look in his eyes.

"This shit", Jeff said loudly, "This fucking shit is exactly why Parn and the other so-called highlords are up there dog fucking like they own the place. But it ain't gunna change while you drunken fools are trying to kill each other over I don't even know what."

He turned to Luzz, who was getting up off his ass after that sweet kick.

"Maybe if Jabroni's like you would grow balls enough to face a fair fight then those assholes wouldn't have free reign to throw their weight around the badlands."

"Who the fuck are you to make such bold claims", A young man with hair yelled from the crowd. He brandished his sincerity like a knife.

"Yeah!", yelled a beastly Jabroni woman, "This clown knows not of what he speaks. Look at him, barely a battle scar on his pre pubescent face."

"Oh it'll have one soon enough"

Jeff looked back to see Luzz standing anger-forward brandishing a rusted but still battle worthy longsword

"You wanted to see how I handle a fair fight", Luzz said as he menaced towards Jeff.

"Seriously?", Jeff raised his eyebrows. Luzz responeded with a move that would had been a full swing had an arm not caught his own.

"The fuck... get off me!"

"Let him speak!", called a commanding voice. A light skinned, bald headed man whose face was adorned with bone-piercings quickly disarmed Luzz and pushed him to the ground. Many of the Jabroni seemed to recognize him and lowered their tone accordingly.

Jeff locked eyes with the formidable looking man who simply nodded his go-ahead. Jeff nodded back in thanks, dug deep into his knowledge of Jabroni culture, and proceeded.

"We Jabroni's are among the strongest warriors on all of Planet, those of us who stand here now have survived a lifetime in these badlands that we call home. Few of the so called civilized people would dare venture here, and do you know why? Because of the blightmongers? No! The Blight-Wifes? FUCK NO! It's because of us - we Jabroni's rule these badlands. Not one single fucking clan. Not Parn or Machevi or any who call themselves highlords. Every single one of us owns these badlands and has the right to hunt and loot and rape and pillage wherever we like, and I am sick and fucking tired of those dicks acting like they are better than us. Why? Because they occupy a few ancient structures that weren't even built by Jabroni hands? Because they have access to the ancient secrets buried within? Well that is fucking imba and I for one will no longer stand for it! I say we tear those fucking fortresses to the ground and even the playing field once and for all!"

The crowd murmered a moment before breaking out in a drunken cheer. Jeff smiled and raised his glass with the rest of the crowd. This might be a little more high-key than Legend and Beardmaster were hoping for, but it would give them the opening they needed.

"Alright fuck that guy, lets get out of here", Legend spat at about the fourty-five minute mark.

"No, wait"

"What the fuck? Jeff??"

Jeff had suddenly appeared behind them holding that same satchel.

"I told them I had a team. That's you guys. Legend, put these on, your name is Rylon and you're a tunneling expert. Don't worry, we'll have time to figure it out. Remember you are from a southern Jabroni clan that was wiped out by a highlord named Machevi and you're in it for revenge. Beardmaster.."

"Wait wait", Beardmaster put his hand over Jeffs mouth, "What the fuck are you talking about, what's going on?"

"Change of plans guys", Jeff was still pulling Jabroni clothing out of the satchel, "We're going to bust in and blow that fort sky high, and I got us an army."

Legend raised his eyebrows and crossed his arms in disbelief, "What the fuck, how?"

"What can I say", Jeff laughed, "I am REALLY good at playing a crowd. Comes with experience I guess."

"You fuckhole", Legend punted Jeff in the dick, "We didn't need or want an army, we just wanted to get in, steal some flying mounts, and be on our way."

Jeff, more accustomed to pain than most, hardly reacted to the dick-kick, "Oh yeah, sure man, if none of these ACTUAL JABRONI'S can get in there then I'm sure a triad of dudes in silly costumes will have much better luck."

"Jeff", Beardmaster had a stern look on his face, "Cut the shit, you know we could have worked it out with our beards and your skills. This was a serious violation of trust, man. You went way off the grid on this. What the hell?"

Jeff started to say something then paused and thought, then proceeded, "Cards on the table?"

"Every single one", Beardmaster said flatly.

Jeff fidgeted a moment before proceeding, "You remember how I told you Jabroni's were the ones that taught me how to resurrect after they fought Jesus and I several times?"

"Yeah"

"Well, there was a reason they chose to pass the knowledge along to us. They knew that they didn't have the skills or commitment to do the job, but even back then they knew that the secrets hidden within these fortresses were slowly tearing their people apart. After fighting us they realized that we had the ability to solve the mystery once and for all - the one they never could. They taught us their secrets, with one single stipulation. If we ever had the chance, we would seek these secrets and stamp them out for good. Since my brother Jesus left, it falls on me to clear the oath. I think this is the way."

Beardmaster stroked his beard wisely, "An eye for an eye, you could say."

"Inversely so", Jeff nodded.

"Do you know what the secrets are?"

"No, but if I can't find out, nobody can."

"Ok but no seriously though", Jeff insisted, "Once we find the secrets we get the mounts before we bring down the house. Gotta represent, yo"

"No shit", Legend replied, "But fuck off with this Rylon shit, we get to make our own back stories."

"Yeah...", Beardmaster was staring into space, "I want to be Okami, a warrior thats so bad he's good. I'll make like a fumble but always win, it'll be funny as fuck."

"Seriously?", Jeff scoffed, "Damn dog, your beards have gone to your heads more than my immortality did."

"What?", Beardmaster scoffed back twice as hard, "This shit was your idea. If we have to fuck around lets have some fun with it."

Legend smiled, "See, Beard, we aren't always as different as you say, I love that idea. Lets see, I'll be Grandor, and i will pretty much useless but run my mouth like a fool!"

"Haha so great!"

"Fuck", Jeff pouted, "Come on you guys lets... Ahh fuck it who am I kidding. That idea is ballin! But I already presented myself as a sweet leader type."

"Your bad bro", Beardmaster slapped Jeff on the back, "But remember you guys, when shit gets real, we split off and find those fucking secrets."

They reconvened with the Jabroni's sort of soon after in the pub and Jeff introduced Legend and Beardmaster as Okami and Grandor, his most trusted companions. They started scheming and utilized the pool of knowledge that could be summarized when all the Jabroni actually tried to work together. This did not last long. The first road bump came when they were assessing the entrance strategy and Legend decided it was a good time to start getting in to character.

"Fuck all yall", he thrust his chest forward, "I'll bust down the front door by myself, ya fucking pussies just stay out of my way, sorry bunch yall."

"Mind your fabric", shouted a scary Jabroni in a robe as he mustered a fireball but held it steady, "Who the hell are you anyway?"

"Names Grandor", Legend scoffed, "And I was bashin heads when yo mammas vagina was still worth the time. Bring it, mage."

Another Jabroni yankee the wizard before he could burn the pub down and Beardmaster put his hand on Legends shoulder and whispered a quick defusal.

"Leg, yo, tune it down", Beardmaster whispered quickly, but Legend was committed to the role. His furious fist impacted furiously with Beardmasters stomache, but he pulled the punch so it did no damage. Beardmaster sighed and feigned a backwards stumble that flowed effortlessly into a flying back kick which caught Legend square on the jaw. Purelely accidental of course. Legend went with it and stayed down like a little bitch after he hit the floor. Beardmaster knelt down and tried unsuccessfully to help him up.

"Oh!", he said, "What a clutz i am!"

Legend did not react at all and Beardmaster eventually gave up.

"He's ok, just a little dazed", Jeff assured the crowd, "I appologize for my companion, he can get a little too enthusiastic at times!"

You still got it DW.

Legend didnt move for the remainder of the meeting, though he occassionally muttere curses and threats under is breath. Beardmaster and Jeff talked business with the Jabroni, planning a three fold attack involving a tunnel and catapult and an eggplant.

"The eggplant", Jeff reminded everyone, "Is what this whole plan hinges on."

"Exactly", a cute female Janroni by the name of Sfaz replied, "I stuff it down my shirt real good and say it's the highlords baby, if he doesnt get to see it delivered it's going to be someones head."

"Now remember", Jeff piped in, "The guards will want to verify this. Lets assume the highlords chamber is close, just to be safe. Lets say it takes one minute before they know something's up. That means the tunnel team has exactly that long to make a breach while the guard are distracted."

"But!", Beardmaster couldn't resist getting in on this, "The tunnel is secretly the real distraction, it's a double distraction technique!"

"Exactly", Jeff confirmed, "So don't stress too hard. If they catch Sfaz, focus on getting her out, if they catch the tunnel crew - fight as we discussed. Whatever happens, make sure they are all too tied up to notice the three of us catapulting in."

The wizard from before was dubious, "You sure you three can handle it. How do we even know you'll land it?"

"Don't worry", Jeff insisted, "We've done this before."

"

Spoonmann wrote:

You still got it DW.

Thx dude no seriously im just spittin random shit here and usualky i dont know if its any good