Funny Jokes and memes!

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Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom?
Spoiler
Because it has a silent pee


What kind of bees make milk instead of honey?
Spoiler
Boobies!


A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says:
Spoiler
''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''


A Dyslexic man
Spoiler
walks into a bra


A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband,
Spoiler
''Shut up...you're next!''


Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
Spoiler
They charged one - and let the other one off


I'm on a whiskey diet.
Spoiler
I've lost three days already.


My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.
Spoiler
We'll see about that.


A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says
Spoiler
''Sorry we don't serve food in here''


A seal walks into a club
Spoiler
...


Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
Spoiler
There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"


A hundred prostitutes in Washington D.C. were
asked if they would ever sleep with President
Clinton. 60% said,
Spoiler
'Never again!'

DISCLAIMER!
The views and expressed opinions of Dragon are solely those of a drunken redneck and are not necessarily those of a sane person. Any likeness of intelligence is strictly coincidental and should not be taken seriously. His posts should not be read... by anyone.
Last edited by Dragon585 on May 10, 2013, 2:50:51 AM
Last bumped on May 20, 2017, 8:34:17 AM
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be
here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of
babies"
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is
fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with"
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look"
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,
um......equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we
can get to work."
"Tripod?????"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for
me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's
fainted!!"
DISCLAIMER!
The views and expressed opinions of Dragon are solely those of a drunken redneck and are not necessarily those of a sane person. Any likeness of intelligence is strictly coincidental and should not be taken seriously. His posts should not be read... by anyone.
A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife
in bed with another man.
"Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world."
"It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what
if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with
your wife?"
The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane
and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass."
DISCLAIMER!
The views and expressed opinions of Dragon are solely those of a drunken redneck and are not necessarily those of a sane person. Any likeness of intelligence is strictly coincidental and should not be taken seriously. His posts should not be read... by anyone.
An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he
called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is
it or the express degree you told me about?"

"It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon,
why do you want to become a lawyer?"

"That's my business! Get me the course!"

Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer
was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.

Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and
it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the
lawyer leaned over and said, "please, before it's too late,
tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before
you died?"

In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said,
"One less lawyer . . ."
DISCLAIMER!
The views and expressed opinions of Dragon are solely those of a drunken redneck and are not necessarily those of a sane person. Any likeness of intelligence is strictly coincidental and should not be taken seriously. His posts should not be read... by anyone.
What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
Spoiler
"See you next month!"
A shining light in a sea of stagnant bong water.

Last edited by Rachel_GGG on Sep 31, 2018 0:61:72 PM
Two men are talking and one says to the other, “My wife’s doctor says she has menopause, and, man, has she been moody lately. How long do the symptoms of menopause usually last?”
Spoiler
The man replies, “Let me put it this way. Menopause will be listed as the cause on your death certificate.”
DISCLAIMER!
The views and expressed opinions of Dragon are solely those of a drunken redneck and are not necessarily those of a sane person. Any likeness of intelligence is strictly coincidental and should not be taken seriously. His posts should not be read... by anyone.
What's brown & sticky?
Spoiler
A stick
DISCLAIMER!
The views and expressed opinions of Dragon are solely those of a drunken redneck and are not necessarily those of a sane person. Any likeness of intelligence is strictly coincidental and should not be taken seriously. His posts should not be read... by anyone.
Imprisoned clock: tick tick tick tick tick
Spoiler
Guard: Vee haff vays off making you tock.
DISCLAIMER!
The views and expressed opinions of Dragon are solely those of a drunken redneck and are not necessarily those of a sane person. Any likeness of intelligence is strictly coincidental and should not be taken seriously. His posts should not be read... by anyone.
What couple is still together after all the crap they have been through?
Spoiler
Your buttcheeks
DISCLAIMER!
The views and expressed opinions of Dragon are solely those of a drunken redneck and are not necessarily those of a sane person. Any likeness of intelligence is strictly coincidental and should not be taken seriously. His posts should not be read... by anyone.
What do you get if you cross a dyslexic, an atheist and an insomniac?
Spoiler
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.
DISCLAIMER!
The views and expressed opinions of Dragon are solely those of a drunken redneck and are not necessarily those of a sane person. Any likeness of intelligence is strictly coincidental and should not be taken seriously. His posts should not be read... by anyone.

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