McGuyver

Another authentic McGuyver original!

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Jansen Panini opened the door.

"McGuyver, you're late"

"No. I arrive precisely when I mean to"

Jansen was hot as fuck, and McGuyver knew that she would want to bone him, but that was a boning for another day. Business was at hand.

"Did the microfilm arrive?", he asked the governors daughter.

"Would I be so concerned with your timing if not?"

"You would."

"How so?"

"Because", McGuyver leaned in close and whispered, "The man behind the curtains intends to kill you if you don't lead him to me."

She locked eyes with McGuyver for a moment and then made a subtle nod, "What do we do", she whispered.

McGuyver knew that Ace Jackson, the master assassin would have two guns trained right on him, so he had to keep the woman between him and Jackson. He pulled her in close and kissed her with feigned passion, discreetly turning her to block the mans shot. The shot came and McGuyver could feel the womans body tremor as the bullets ruptured in to her.

"Raaaa", he screamed as he kicked her body towards the window, following the action by doing a run-kick off the armoire while grabbing a large picture frame. He landed a few feet from the window and swung the picture frame just as Ace pulled the curtain back. He was still stunned from the impact of the womans broken body. The frame came down with the fury of ten gods and he fell like a sack of nails. The assassin was relieved by his own demise as McGuyver repeated the blow with extended severity, expanding the minor wound into a gaping one. A third smash penetrated the skull and a cocktail of brain and bone finalized his undoing.

He pressed the button on his receiver and talked to the chief, "You were right, the microfilm is not here. They were expecting me. No. The girl is dead. Right. Five O-Clock. I'll be there."

He grabbed Ace Jacksons guns, which he knew were of the utmost quality, and stuffed them into the back of his pants.

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Commander Bob Ross pulled up in a nondescript white van and opened the back door, "McGuyver, get in"

McGuyver grabbed the side of the van and pulled himself in.

"McGuyver, the governor is not pleased."

"Poppycock, commander, this was exactly what he intended."

"His daughter is dead!"

McGuyver eyed the commander. Fuck, he thought, this guy really doesn't know.

Mcguyver was in deep water, literally.  He was swimming under the Uss Santa Clause, a vessel that was expected to deliver raw meats to third world countries.  He knew the truth, that Santa Clause himself was being held hostage on the boat.  It was not the red jumpsuit guy of legend, but Santa Ramirez Clause of mexico.  He had been overseeing the voyage alongside the UN officials, now he was the only one left alive.  The terrorists needed him to utter the docking orders so they could deliver their terrible payload to the mexican mainland.

McGuyver removed the makeshift breathing aperatus after he jerry rigged the access bay open and swam inside.  Not even his countrymen knew he was there, and if caught, it would be his last mission.  He removed his wetsuit and checked his gear.  It was all good.  He had to move fast, as the ship was only one minute from docking.  He busted through the door and shot ten guys then rolled past a bazuka missile.  Oh fuck!  It was bazuka Joe, the man who had assassinated president Obama with a bazuka.  McGuyver had to keep moving, knowing that no cover was cover enough.  He dove behind the briefcase, wait a sec, THE briefcase???  He grabbed it and blocked a missile which exploded in every direction but the one that counts.  This was the briefcase that held the launch codes!  Bazuka   Joe must have stolen it from Obama after the assassination.  What sinister ploy was born on his intent?  Was he planning to sell the codes, or worse?  

Lucky for McGuyver, The Briefcase was made of ten metals that combined to be impervious.  It was likely that bazuka Joe had failed to open it yet, and as such, the launch codes were probably safe.  More importantly, it could shield McGuyver from his missiles.  He ran into the cooridor and down it in Joes direction in an attempt to flank him, but the musclebound menace errupted from a door and launched another missile at McGuyver, sending him hurling back, in spite of how ellequently he blocked the attack.  He rolled unceremoniously into the side wall.  He couldn't take much more of this, and needed a plan, fast!  He looked around and saw a crate of potato's on a shelf beside him.  A shelf!  Of course!  McGuyver quickly disassembled the shelf and built himself a machine gun.  A potato machine gun.  The next time Bazuka joe poked his head out it got pelted with a bombardment of potato's that knocke the man to the ground.  McGuyver ran towards him and drop kicked him in the face.

"Chew on that", McGuyver joked wittely as he picked up the mans bazuka.  There was one shot left.  One more than he needed to do the mission, but still, a welcome surprise.

He made his way down the long metal hallway.  It was quiet.  A little too quiet.  Suddenly a ninja appeared behind him and cut him in half.  He had to think fast.  His left half fell near a slightly open doorway.  In the moments before he lost consciousness from blood loss both of his halves had to anticipate what the other would be thinking.  No problem, both halves of McGuyver smiled.  His right half still had the bazuka in hand and shot upwards at the ceiling just above the ninja.  The impact blasted the ninja downwards so that its unconscious body lay between McGuyvers two halves.  His left half had clamored inside the door and grasped hold of a fire extinguisher.  Damn, what to do?  Of course!  He jammed the end of the fire extinguisher up the Ninjas asshole and turned it on, causing the ninja to balloon up and completely fill the gap between his two parts.  The bleeding stopped, and it gave McGuyver time to grab his David Bowie signature carving knife and pry the launch fuse out of the missile launcher.  He used it to weld open the ninja and fuse the capilaries between his two halves.  Though he now stood a slight bit wider that before, his makeshift body would hold until the mission was over.

The frankenstein-style McGuyver got to his feet and tested his footing.  He worried for only a moment that he had missed a spot and a raging blood clot would be his last moment, but then he remembered how awesome he was.  Walking was somewhat difficult with a dead ninja as his midsection, but he managed to make way to an empty sleeping quarters, where he found a med kit and managed to restore himself to his normal state.  But had it cost him too much time?? Suddenly he heard Germans raging down the hall!

He was still working in the new stitches that held both his halves together and was not up for a brawl.  He looked around the room and noticed a package of mentos and an unused condom.  He quickly turned the condom into a sling shot and started nailing the germans in the face as they entered the room.  His DPS was low, and they burned past his deterence.

"Haha, McGuyver!", The lead German laughed as he chewed on some chocolate.

"Damn!", McGuyver cursed.  But suddenly he realized that the Germans had brought their own greatest weakness to the party.  He just had to amplify that chocolate somehow!

"Wait!", McGuyver shouted as guns trained on him, "Or you will never find the briefcase, ever!"

The germans paused, he could be bluffing, but death awaited if the briefcase was lost.  That was all the time McGuyver needed to use some hydrogen peroxide and sedatives from the med kit to create a gas that enhanced the taste buds of all who inhaled it.  The germans, chocolate still fresh on their tongues, suddenly collapsed in a heap.  The flavor was too much for their conscious minds to handle.

Suddenly McGuyver saw Bane  appear from down the stairs.  Bane was at the end of the hall and walking towards McGuyver menacingly.  McGuyver knew it was time to fight Bane and threw his preconceptions into the abyss.  He walked up to Bane and threw a wild haymaker that Bane blocked easily.  The masked man kicked McGuyver in the dick and started to pummel his body with fists of fury.  McGuyver could see his fate flashing before his eyes as Banes rapid punches started to tear him in half anew.  His medical efforts would not hold!  He wailed towards Bane, but Banes fists were too awesome and broke his deterence.  As his body split in half and fell to the floor, he heard Bane speak.

"All too easy."

That was exactly what McGuyver had expected.  He groaned in pain, but less so than Bane had expected.  You see he had already broken himself in half again, knowing he would never truly be whole again, and embracing that fact. He has seperated and sealed up each half of himself and used secret formulas to grow himself two equal bodies.  Bane was half way out the room when he heard the noise behind him.  He turned two see two McGuyvers both drawing their sidearms.

"No.", Bane quickly threw a concussive grenade at McGuyver.  Both of the McGuyvers fell before they could take the shot.  This was just enough time for Bane to rush him, fists impacting both of his bodies with equal fury.  The pain was doubled, but so was his resolve.  McGuyver willed his two forms to strike at Banes face, but it only served to injure his hands as his fists ricoched off of Banes mask.

"Santa clause is already giving the docking order", Bane laughed, "Mexico is ours."

"No", said one McGuyver, delivering a kick to Banes ripped torso.

"Mexico knows what is up", the other McGuyver spat, "I sent a fax"

"No.", Bane punched one McGuyver so hard he breached its chest and tore out its heart, "Your fax was redirected.  Mexico knows nothing."

The remaining McGuyver gasped and backed away, a new respect for Bane.  If he wasn't careful then the masked man would do the same to him.  He was out of room to move and Bane was not cutting him any slack.  He dodged to the side as Banes fist destroyed the wall behind him.  As Bane swung his other fist, McGuyver jumped up and kicked his legs against the mans chest, pushing himself back against the wall.  He narrowly avoided Banes fist as the wall crashed down behind him and he found himself lying in the east cooridor, still locking eyes with Bane, who had begun bashing out the rest of the wall.

McGuyver got up and started running towards the elevator.  Bane crashed through into the cooridor and started towards him.  He pressed the button and stared back in horror as the masked behemoth barreled towards him.  When he realized that the elevator would never open in time, he tore out the ceiling panel and flipped up into the rafters.  From inside the ceiling he could see into the elevator shaft, and as Banes hands ripped through the ceiling, McGuyver grabbed hold of the elevator cables and let them shoot him down towards the lobby.  As the cables yanked to a stop, he held fast as his body shot floorward, ripping the flesh from his bones.  It was lucky that the floor met his face quite quickly after his grip gave way.  And his face smacking the floor granted swift unconsciousness as his body finally came to rest at the bottom floor.  His motionless form made no effort to save itself as the elevator started speeding towards it.

Bane stood atop the speeding elevator, impatiently waiting for his final vengance.  Knowing that McGuyver would be crushed by the falling elevator, he suddenly jumped up and pushed his legs against the wall, yanking with all his might.  He finally beat the odds and stopped all momentum as he held the elevator fast.

"McGuyver, go!  This is a fight for another day!"

As he failed to recieve McGuyvers reply, Bane knew that the man was insolent, and chose to drop the elevator.  It was a quiet, noble, death.  Bane climbed down into the elevator and raged as he realized that McGuyver was not there.

"McGuyver!", Bane bellowed,"Damn you!!!!!"

Bane never saw McGuyver again.

I started reading the first post, noticed it was made by Dale Winters and stopped reading. Why is this guy still on the forum?

Aaand I'm off the forum again. I made it five minutes this time. Next time, maybe I'll go for six!

In y6our face!

McGuyver got to the chopper at Arnolds request, they both hopped in and took flight. That was when the terrorists started shooting atom bombs at them. McGuyver quickly rigged the hull of the chopper to be impervious to atom bombs, and though the blast decimated the countryside, McGuyver and Arnold were alright. Suddenly Arnold turned to McGuyver.

"Haha McGuyver, you didn't know that I am secretly a bad guy."

"Didn't I?"

Suddenly Arnold exploded and McGuyver flew into the sunset.

"

ExileDude wrote:

I started reading the first post, noticed it was made by Dale Winters and stopped reading. Why is this guy still on the forum?

Becaue he's awesome.

Keep the stories coming, Dale.

McGuyver was locked in ultimate combat with Bruce Willis.  They were not really fighting.  McGuyver was just playing the part of the villain in Die Harder 2:  Die Hardest.  Willis came up and slapped him on the back after the scene was done.

"Good job McGuyver you really aced that scene."

"It helps to be as awesome as I am", McGuyver tooted his own horn.

Bruce Willis frowned, "Yah I wish..."

"Don't let it get you down Bruce, you are still more awesome than most."

"But what good is it", Bruce Willis sighed, "I could never do real missions like you do."

"Says who?", McGuyver asked.

"Says me.", Bruce Willis's manager appeared behind him like he always does.  What a fucker, thought McGuyver.

"You are a fucker Wayne", McGuyver told the unsavory fellow.

"That may be so.  But I possess the contract to Bruce Willis's life. Hahahahahahah!"

He continued laughing like a villain as he walked off.

"Oh no", McGuyver said suddenly, "I just realized something.  Wayne must be a villain!  Did you hear that laugh?"

"What about it?", Bruce Willis asked.

"It was a villain laugh!  The surest sign!"

"What?  Wayne?  No way McGuyver."

"I can prove it", McGuyver insisted, "But we will have to do a mission."

"hmmmm", Bruce Willis pondered, "A real mission?"

"So real."