The Wraeclast Underworld!

I never left enough evidence behind to be questioned.

I was quite pleased with myself. I could sense this reporter had not thought I was such an important figure, but he was beginning to see the light.
“So, I seemed to recall something happening between Hardlicker and Pavshaus.” He said and turned another page on his pad.
“Well, yeah. You have to understand that Pavshaus was a real ladies man and Hardlicker didn't care for his type.” I said.
“Pavshaus did well with the ladies and Hardlicker was jealous?” He asked and I shook my head no.
“No Pavshaus liked to dress up like a lady and one night Hardlicker was drunk and tried to pick up him up. Only Pavshaus isn't gay and he took offense. But I could see Hardlicker's point. The dress he was wearing was very clingy and really highlighted his eyes. But Hardlicker was too drunk to take no for an answer. What happened next can best be described as a cock fight.” I finally caught a guards eye and pointed to my cup. He picked it up and spit in it and put it back down. I nodded my thanks.
“They fought naked?” He asked incredulous.
“No. They brought out their fighting cocks and settled it with a cock fight. Only the rosters were both only about 3 weeks old and just pecked around on the floor. I lost a lot of money betting on Hardlicker's to win.” I sighed as I remembered Vakirauta taking my last dollar after the fight was called a draw.
“How did you lose if they didn't actually fight?” He asked and I gave him an Are You Stupid? look.
“Because I bet on the cock to win. Not draw. Duh.” Fucking stupid college kids with their stupid education. “Any how, the next morning Hardlicker confronted Pavshaus over the entire ordeal and Pavshaus may be a proud and strong man, but he was no match for Hardlicker and his arsenal of dirty looks. Pavshaus finally caved and promised that next time he would at least dance with Hardlicker and worse he had to promise to let him lead.” I felt a shiver go down my spine as I remembered how bad a dancer Hardlicker was. Two left feet. Literally two left feet. His right foot had been shot off during a fight with Epsilon and Doom over who got to blow out the candles on the Guild's first anniversary cake. Twelve dead and thirty thousand in damages.
“So who shot off his foot?” He asked.
“Hardlicker did it himself. He was celebrating accidentally shooting his sixth wife in the fracas and tried to do that fancy twirl with his pistol right into the holster. Only the gun was still loaded and he shot himself.” I laughed remembering the extra cake I got because Doom and Whale had to take him to the doctors. He didn't trust anyone else to do it.
“Why didn't the doctor sew on his old foot?” The reporter asked.
“Because Hardlicker didn't want any part of it after it made him angry for getting in the way. So he goes to the doctors and demands a new one. Only the doctor tells him that he needs another foot or else there is nothing he can do. So Hardlicker shoots the foot of one of the orderlies. But he shot the wrong foot off. So now he has two left feet. But man can he do the electric slide now.” I smiled as I picked up my cup and barely stopped myself from drinking from it! The guards laughed and the heavier one replaced the cup with a new one. I sniffed the contents and approved. No water this time!
“I have to ask you. Did it ever even begin to make you wonder how it was you did all the work and Vakirauta took all the money?” The reporter asked. I didn't like his tone at all, but I thought about it for a minute before answering.
“Nope. Vakirauta has always played it straight with me. Except maybe that one time when he sent me to pick up a package at the wharf.” I said.
“What happened at the wharf?” The reporter leaned forward, very interested in the answer.
“It was a C.O.D delivery and Vakirauta failed to tell me that. I had to pay for it out of my own pocket. When I handed him the receipt, he just laughed in my face.” I was still angry over that episode! “Well let me tell you! I let him have a piece of my mind and forced a council to convene to hear my complaint!” I snapped a little harder than I thought I could. Boy that still pissed me off!
“What's a council?” He asked and I let out a barking laugh!
“The Council is where guild members go if they have a dispute. Shit, I thought everyone would have known that.” I looked and the guards were agreeing with me.
“Sorry, I wasn't there. Please enlighten me.” I smiled. Didn't take much to make this reporter feel dumb!
“Whale and Doom convinced Hardlicker that we needed a means of airing out grievances. Other than him shooting everyone like usual. So I called for a council and Doom set it up. I showed up and demanded that Vakirauta pay me back for the package. Vakirauta took the opposite stance and opened fire at me. Lucky, I had noticed my shoe was untied right then and he only hit Xpire and Wittgenstein. While he reloaded, I used the time to present my side and shot Lachdanan twice in the back. Doom was impressed with my argument and shot Lachdanan again. The ruling stuck and Vakirauta had to pay me back the money and also pay for my bullets I used that day.” I felt a little twinge of sadness. “I think that may have been the crack the Agency was looking for. It was after that I noticed Vakirauta started spending more time with Pavshaus.” I wiped away a tear. The hot wings were really hot and I was starting to sweat.
“Dip them in the blue cheese.” The reporter offered and I tried it. Not bad.
“Any how. I was pleased at first, but then I started to noticed little things that made me suspect that Vakirauta wasn't too pleased with me.” I said and wished I had more napkins. Really! Only two with hot wings?
“Like what?” He asked.
“Well, little things. Like my house blowing up, my car blowing up, my food blowing up.” I sniffed the celery and put it back down. I didn't trust it. “Also I was shot at a lot more often. You know, going to get the mail, getting my haircut, stepping into the shower. Starts to make you think.

You may now bow your wallets towards New England.

“But then Alysma moved in and quietly started a business. At first it was small time. Just a few customers, but word got out that she was pushing pure Colombian and her little business started cutting into Hardlicker's profits.” I said and looked at my cup. The thought of it was making me thirsty.
“Alysma was pushing cocaine?” The reporter asked.
“Coffee. The first brew you could get.” I said and really wanted some now that I thought more about it. “It wasn't long before she recruited Peachii to her side. Poor Peachii. She sleeps with the fishes.” I said.
“Hardlicker had her killed?” He asked.
“Peachii? No. She just has this thing for fish. Kinda a weird and sad.” I shivered a little remembering the time I went over to her place. Aquariums everywhere!
“So what did Hardlicker do?” The reporter put his pen down. “Off the record.”
“What could he do? He sent Bermalberist1 to explain to Alysma that she wasn't welcome anymore.” I told him.
“What did he do?” He asked.
“Mostly annoyed her until she couldn't take it anymore and left. And let me tell you. She was tough. Usually it only takes a day or two of Bermalberist1 to annoy you before you give up all hope. She lasted almost three weeks. Just long enough to sell out to Starbucks. Even Hardlicker doesn't have the chops to take on Starbucks.” I leaned forward and shot a quick look at the guards, but they were busy looking up Wongs in the phonebook.
“What you never heard about was Toxicratt and his comedy clubs. That was the first real challenge to Hardlicker after the purge of the Guilds. We all thought it was harmless. New comedy clubs open all the time, only none of his were closing. Just taking over more and more buildings.” I leaned back as the reporter waved his hand in front of his face.
“Ever hear of mouthwash?” He asked and looked a little green.
“Sorry. But listen, Hardlicker had a hard time convincing Doom and Whale that Toxicratt was a threat. It was all just a joke to them. But Hardlicker doesn't have a sense of humor and could see through Toxicratt's ploy.” I said.
“What ploy?” He asked.
“Toxicratt was secretly getting everyone to his side by using humor. Everyone loves the guy that can make you laugh. Soon he had hardcore members like Dirk Austin playing with puppies and Fire Kid volunteering at the schools and not to hit on the teachers! Sickening man. Fucking sickening. But Hardlicker and Vakirauta both have no sense of humor and together they managed to heckle Toxicratt off the stage one night.” I said in a hushed tone.
“And that was it?” He asked in a disbelieving tone.
“No. That wasn't it. It was a bloodbath! Many of the bodies were never identified! Hardlicker wasn't satisfied with destroying Toxicratt. He personally made sure that Xpire paid a visit to each comedy club. If you know what I mean.” I said.
“Actually I have no idea what you mean.” He replied
“Oh. I meant Xpire burned them all to the ground except for the Improv.” I clarified.
“Why not the Improv?” He asked
“He felt like trying something new on a whim and released a pack of wild dingos inside instead.” I laughed. It had been very funny. Except for the babies, but hey they weren't mine.

“So, I seem to remember something about a turf war.” The reporter asked.
“you could call it that, I guess. It all started pretty early in Hardlicker's reign. A group of outsiders that called themselves the Diablo Fanboys came roaring into town. They were full of noise and shit, but really weren't much more than a bunch of spoiled rich brats. Full of themselves ya know.” I said and wished I had an antacid. The wings weren't sitting well.
“But I thought the news from that time said they were the toughest club out there.” He added and quickly jotted something down on his pad while shaking his head.
“Hey college boy. Who do you think wrote those stories?” I pointed both my thumbs at myself. “Wanted it to be a warning to any others that might come to town.”
“You lied?” He asked and stared me right in the eye.
“For the most part. Hardlicker, Whale and Doom did actually face off against the entire gang down on main street, but you had to be there to understand.” I said
“Understand what?” He asked
“Well to start with, one of the Fanboys accidentally got hit by the truck carrying Hardlicker's private supply of whiskey and the entire load was smashed. A drunk Hardlicker is bad-ass enough and everyone just knows to not piss him off, but sober? The man is a monster! So he grabs Whale from his weekend gardening club and Doom from his knitting circle and the three of them start doing this amazing walk right down the middle of Main street. Each taking turns at twirling a pistol and back into the holster and out again. All without breaking stride.” I felt a shiver go down my spine as I remembered. Even the guards had stopped playing grab-ass to listen.
“That's it?” He asked.
“No man. That's not it. First off Hardlicker was buck naked and twirling three guns, one in each hand. The Fanboys got a good look at that horrible mess of hair, sweat and flab just daring them to stand their ground!” I let out a breath.
“Wait a minute. You said three guns and,”He looked back to his notes, “One in each hand.?”
“Don't ask about the third, I was scared too. Vakirauta and Daemon used the distraction to put sugar in the Fanboy's gas tanks and Pavshaus over charged them twice for their bill has they tried to hurry and get out of town. I would have too if I was a target of that nasty, pasty, undulating gut of fat of Hardlicker's. Never mind the guns! I tell you, drinking that much isn't good for your body! But the Fanboys shit themselves tripping over each other trying to get out of town as fast as they could!” I almost pissed myself laugh as I remembered the scene.
“And?” He asked. I could se he was really interested for once.
“And what? Hardlicker opened fire and Doom and Whale too. Wasn't pretty. Six hundred and ninety shots fired and only seven dead. I could have done better than that myself if I had been allowed to have a gun that day. Vakirauta said I could have one the next gunfight, but I had forgotten to wash his pet turtle the day before and I had lost my gunfight privileges.” That sadden me. The next gunfight was kinda boring. Just myself, Daemon and Pavshaus shooting at Lachdanan and Wittgenstein. They weren't even armed and still managed to hit Pavshaus with a paperclip on a rubber band. Poor bastard had to wear an eye patch for a summer. Ruined his tennis game.