The Wraeclast Underworld!

I sat across from the reporter. Two very large policemen were there to make sure I didn't shiv him or something. Like I would even entertain the very notion! That would just be plain rude! The man was here to hear my story and by association, the real story behind the Wraeclast underworld.
“So tell me Moon.” He asked as he opened his legal pad and clicked his pen. “How did you finally get caught?”
“I was set up by the Agency. I had always been a loyal member of the Wraeclast mob, but the Agency set me up and once the others thought I had been turned, I was screwed. The price on my head must be pretty large by now.” I answered smugly.
“Six dollars Moon.” said one of the guards.
“Up to six? I must be making people nervous.” I chuckled.
“I'll pay seven if the reporter would kill you now so I could go get something to eat.” Said the other guard. The first nodded his head in agreement.
“Uh, thanks, but no thanks guys.” Said the reporter and we all looked at him funny. Passing on seven dollars? What did this guy already know? “So anyway Moon. Just how did the Agency get to you?”
“It all started back when I was just a kid.” I said getting ready for the flashback, but he interrupted me.
“I asked about how they caught you. Not about your life story.” He said. Maybe he wasn't a pushover after all.
“Fine mister big shot reporter. It was my restaurant. They claim people got sick after eating my bacon.” I sat back and sighed. “It had to be the bacon didn't it?”
“Bacon?” He asked and scribbled some notes down.
“Undercooked bacon is an offense punishable by death in Wraeclast.” I said. Who was this clown if he didn't know that?
“And you served someone undercooked bacon?” He didn't look up from his pad. If he had, he would have worried for his life! Only both guards staring hard at me while fingering their guns kept me from shoving that pen up his nose!
“I never undercooked bacon in my life! It was a set up! The Agency only used it as a way of driving a wedge between me and Vakirauta.” I snarled.
“Vakirauta?”
“Vakirauta was my Capo. I had to report everything to him. We went way back. We even had made our bones together off'ing Daemon.” I answered, but the thought of poor Alex waving goodbye as we pushed his boat out to sea almost made me cry. But it had to be done! He had broken the unspoken rule by speaking it. Vakirauta and I had to do it, or the rest of them would have thought us weak and we would have been next! Of course the boat was a luxury yacht with an all female crew. So I didn't feel too bad.
“Mind keeping the flashbacks to a minimum?” Asked the reporter and the guards grunted their agreement.
“Fine! Vakirauta was my superior due his being Canadian.” I said and the reporter looked up at me in disbelief. “Seriously! That's what he told me!”
“Vakirauta told you this?” He asked and started writing again.
“Ever know a Canadian to lie?” I snapped.
“Listen Moon, let's get back to why you were targeted.” He said and I took a deep breath.
“The Agency had been trying to root us out for a long time and they especially wanted to get Mister Big. Hardlicker.” I leaned forward. “Hardlicker rules the place! Nothing happens without his consent!” The reporter lean back away from me. I studied his face as he did. “I forgot to brush again didn't I?” and he nodded. “Sorry.”
“Yeah, let's not do that again soon.” He said as I sat back. “Now I know all about Hardlicker and his reign of terror. The Agency had him as their number one wanted, but this is about how you turned on the rest of them.”
“Well, if you must know. It will take many flashbacks.” I left it out there and the reporter and the guards all sighed.
“Fine.” He said and I smiled.
“First you need to know the background of how it all started. It was back during a time known as Closed Beta. There weren't that many of us and the pickings were slim. Most were too smart to take advantage of and of course we had minor squabbles amongst ourselves. But all in all, it was a peaceful era. Only had to off a couple of rival members from the others.”
“The others?” He asked and I pursed my lips at the interruption.
“The others were a group that came during Closed Beta that thought their shit didn't stink. All they did was complain. Oh this place is so boring, this place is so sucky. Yeah well this place was so armed to the teeth and they had a habit of disappearing if you know what I mean.” I looked and it was clear that he didn't know what I meant.
“We killed them off.” I said.
“Oh, sorry. I thought maybe they had just moved on.” He said and jotted some more motes on his pad. “But this Closed Beta didn't last?”
“No. Word got out and soon the Open Beta replaced the Closed Beta. Brought in a bunch of fresh blood. Most weren't hardcore, but Hardlicker was different. He had a vision and soon recruited Victor Doom, Epislon Whale and Pavshaus to his Guild. Anyone with a brain could see the writing on the wall. I mean he had Fire Kid spray paint a huge message on the wall in Sarn. Could see it a mile away!” I reached for my cup, but it only had water in it. I set it back down.
“So everyone that was anyone started signing up with Hardlicker. Sure there were some rival guilds, but most were easy targets. Hardlicker and Pavshaus set up a hit squad. Inexium and Bermalberist1 were ruthless. Guild after guild saw their leaders whacked an their followers defected or were dealt with the hard way. Only Charan and his guild were untouchable. They had a war chest full of money and plenty of pull too. But they mostly keep to themselves and as long as we didn't bother them and their racket, they left us alone.”
“I thought Charan was President of the Wraeclast Bird Watchers.” The reporter asked.
“You got that right. They specialize in blackmail. One bird after another.” I could see he was impressed. “They got their headquarters over at the Diamond Club. No one gets in there without permission and I think only Whale can do it. But he likes to play both side of the fence.” I watched as the reporter wrote as fast as he could. I smiled. He thought he knew the real Wraeclast, but like so many before him, he didn't know shit!
“Alright Moon. I would like some information on this Scrotie McB.” He said and looked up at me, but over the top of his glasses.
“Think you going to trip me up?” I sneered. He got defensive and I laughed. “Just ask. I don't care about nothing anymore!”
“Rumor was the Scrotie McB was responsible for most of the recent high profile killings.” He stopped writing and waited for me to answer.
“Yeah. Scrotie sure did do a lot of the dirty work for us, but everyone had to do their part. He's just really good at getting to people that you think are untouchable. Take Funkhauzer for example. Haven't heard from him in some time have you?” I asked and the reporter looked at me confused.
“Funkhauzer?”
“Never mind, bad example.” I said and tried to think of another. “Onionspam?” He shook his head no. “Oh! I know! Nightmare90!”
“Nightmare90 was eating at the restaurant across the street before I came here.” The reporter said and it was my turn to be confused.
“Nightmare90 isn't dead? Huh. Imagine that.” I scratched my chin. “I wonder how many he actually killed?”
“Now I heard you too had a Guild?” He asked.
“The AGW? I guess.” I said and he looked up again from his note taking.
“You guess?”
“Haven't thought about it in years. Not worth the hassle ya know.” I said and he looked at me for a short time before shrugging and moving on.
“So you and Vakirauta answered to Hardlicker?” He asked and I shook my head no.
“I reported to Vakirauta and he had to report to Pavshaus. Pavshaus could talk to Hardlicker, but mostly went through Doom and Whale. They're Hardlicker's Captains.” I pointed out and he wrote quickly.
“Now just where was Hardlicker from?” He asked and I eyed the guards, but they were playing rock paper scissors.
“Well Hardlicker claims to come from some place called Australia, but I ain't ever met anyone that's heard of it before.” I said quietly. The reporter stopped his note taking and put the pen down.
“Australia?” He asked. “You expect me to believe that Hardlicker is some sort of Aussie?”
“Aussie? I kinda like the sound of that, but no. I know there ain't no Australia. It's just when Hardlicker starts talking about the place, you listen quietly and agree with everything he says unless you want to end up like Spoonman.” I lowered my head at the memory.
“Spoonman?”
“Spoonman was the first to challenge Hardlicker about Australia and the last. It was almost too painful to watch.” I answered and shuddered again at the thought of what that poor bastard went through.
“Mind letting me in on it?” He asked and I looked to the guards again, but they were now playing Russian Roulette.
“I hope you haven't eaten today.” I said as I recounted how Spoonman had been taken down. Hardlicker was a vicious man and he unleashed his entire arsenal of insults on Spoonman. I had never seen anything like it before. His use of parody and biting sarcasm was more than anyone could take. Even a man as tough as Spoonman had been reduced to a quivering pile of jello.

“So tell Moon, just happened to this Spoonman after Hardlicker was through with him?” The reporter asked. I reached again for my cup of water, but it was still just water. I sighed again and tried to get one of the guard's attention, but they were now twirling their guns and trying to get them back into the holster in one motion.
“Some things are better left unsaid.” I said and he wrote that down.
“And is this one of those things?” He asked.
“No, I can tell you. Spoonman was so broken by Hardlicker and his command of the language, that he moved back home into his mother's basement and now sells Amway products online.” I could see the reporter shiver from that one. It wasn't pretty, but I knew if pushed came to shove, that I could sell everyone's email address to him in revenge.
“OK Moon. Let's get back to you and how you and how you came to rat out the rest of the mob.” He smiled as he said it too. Bastard knew I didn't like being a rat, but what choice did I have?
“It back in the old days.” I started and the reporter and the guards all rolled their eyes. “Stuff it! This is my tale!” I shouted and crossed my arms. Bitches.
“Back in the old days, before Hardlicker showed up and put his large and extremely hairy foot down, they rest of us kinda just wandered around looking for noobs to knock over. That's how Vakirauta, Daemon and I got together. They thought I was a noob, I thought they were. It was funny the three us each trying to rob each other. After the gunfight, we went and got good and drunk.”
“You were in a gunfight and no one got hit?” The reporter asked. I could see he wanted to make a snide comment, but I continued before he could.
“Plenty of people were hit. I had two hostages shot out from under me and I think Daemon shot one of his own as a warning to the others. But it was no big deal. None of them were supporters.” I said and started bopping my head to the music I was listening to in my head.
“Stop that please.” The reporter asked and I did one more head bob, but instead tapped one of my feet to the beat. Good song! “Now, you said Supporters. I've heard that term before, but no one will go on record about it.”
“And I'm not about to start either.” I said and gave him the sternest look I could!
“You've told the police everything about Hardlicker and his criminal organization, but you won't talk about being a supporter?” He shook his head in disbelief.
“Hardlicker may run the place, but without the supporters, there wouldn't have been any here for him to takeover. And remember, he's just the head of the most successful crime family. There are much more powerful people than him and if I talk, I wont be safe anywhere including my cell!”
“Fine. Chicken.” The reporter replied and I didn't know if I should laugh or hit him. The guards also had stopped once I mentioned the supporters and the larger of the two made a motion to me behind the reporter to know if I wanted him off'd. I did a quick head shake no.
“Let's get back to my narrative. I told you how Vakirauta, Daemon and I needed up meeting, but it was Pavshaus's bar and while everyone knew him, no one knew just how ruthless as climber he was. He secretly recorded everything we said while we were drunk and sold it to Victor Doom and Epsilon Whale. They were competitors back then. Whale mostly did small jobs for the Bird Watchers and run some numbers on the side. Mostly irrational numbers. He was too smart to try and move prime numbers without the Watchers getting upset.
“But Doom was a crafty little bastard and always looking for ways to make a buck. Rumor had it he even sold his kid sister to Xfire.”
“Doom sold his sister into slavery?” The reporter was shocked!
“Slavery! Hell no. He sold her to Xfire so Xfire could finally beat those Korean kids at Call of Duty. Man she was good.” I said and the reporter gave me a dirty look “What?”
“Why did he have to sell her. Why didn't Xfire just hire her?” He asked and the guards and I burst out laughing! “Did I miss something important?”
“Doom doesn't do leases. You either buy or you walk!” I answered, wiping away a tear. Oh these noobs! The reporter didn't look happy and made a show of flipping his notepad to the next page.
“Can we get back to you and your past.” He said past with obvious sarcasm, but I let it slide. For now.
“So Pavshaus tries to play Doom and Whale off one another and it goes badly. We found out and the three of us went to burn Pavshaus's bar down, but Whale shows up with Nightmare90 and Jim Fear, then Doom shows up with Bermalberist1 and Esev with his crew of crew of angry dwarfs and shit go down.
“And then as we were all sizing each other up, in walks this hairy, Crocodile Dundee wannabe and he pulls out a chair and seats down right smack in the middle of it all and opens a beer. None of us knew what to make of him then. Most of us knew each other at least by sight. And while I can't speak for the rest, I knew the dwarfs very well. If you knew what I mean.” I winked and I could see the reporter throw up a little in his mouth. I smiled and nodded to the guards. They knew what I meant!
“Please, don't every bring that visual up again.” The reporter asked. He reached for his water and did a spit take! “Who put Vodka in this?” He exclaimed.
“Sorry, got the cups mixed up.” Said the smaller of the guards and he switched the cups. Much better now!
“Anyway. Just before shit got real, this mass of hair with a stupid hat just plops down and acts like it ain't nothing. Daemon was trying to get us to leave while the getting was good and I took my cue and started backing out slowly. I grabbed Vakirauta and he saw what we were doing and hesitated, but wised up and we got out there.” I sat back and enjoyed my drink finally.
“So what happened next?” The reporter asked.
“Well, I wasn't there, but from the stories I heard, Hardlicker finished his beer and threw the can up in the air. When everyone looked up, he pulled out two pistols and shot all the dwarfs first. Never met anyone that hated dwarfs like Hardlicker! Anyway the rest except for Whale and Doom started jumping for cover and shit, but Hardlicker just sat back down and pulled out another beer! The stones on that guy.” I looked at the bottom of my cup and then at the guards. But they were now playing the hand slap game.
“And after Hardlicker finished his next beer?” The reporter prodded me. I thought he wasn't interested. Fucking liar.
“Hell if I know, but something happened. The next day Whale and Doom were issuing orders and Pavshaus was hanging up posters asking for experienced hitmen to apply at his place for a new guild. I slept in that day and missed out on the first draft, but Vakirauta came around and told me that I now worked for him. Who was I to disagree?”

“I just want to get this straight. Hardlicker takes over simply by shooting some dwarfs and everyone falls in behind him. You sleep in and because of it, you have to answer to Vakirauta?” The reporter asked and I took a moment to think about it.
“Yup. If I had gotten up in time, I could have been higher up on the ladder, but that was my fault for not setting the alarm.” I said and picked the cup up and waggled towards the guards. They ignored me.
“I still don't see how Hardlicker was able to wield so much influence so quick.” The reporter said and I put the cup back down.
“It's really simple. He was the nastiest, ugliest, vilest, hairiest, nastiest person you ever met. A natural leader.” I said.
“You said nastiest twice.” The reporter pointed out.
“That's because he's twice as nasty as the next person.” I said with a no duh tone. “Anyway, be the time I got there, Doom and Whale had appointed him Godfather and themselves Godmothers.”
“Did anyone argue?”
“Well Esev was pretty angry about losing his gang, but Pavshaus was able to work out a deal where Bermalmerist and Jim Fear took turns making sure that Esev would never work in show business again.” I said and tried again to get my cup refilled, but the guards were taking turns trying to throw grapes into each others mouth.
“Esev was in show business?” He asked and I was confused.
“Esev was in show business?”
“You just said that Bermalberist and Jim Fear made sure he would never work in it again. So what did they do? Cut his face up or something?”
“Dude, that's rough!” I said. Maybe I had underestimated this guy. “No, they took turns trashing his facebook page and writing bad Yelp reviews about his cooking.” I answered. “It totally destroyed his dream of being a celebrity chef on the Food Network.”

“I apologize. I should have figured that out on my own.” He said, but I didn't like his tone.
“Yeah, well. I didn't like the set up either, but I'm a quick learner and I knew that if I played my cards right, some day I might get a chance to off Vakirauta and move up a step. But Vakirauta has always been very paranoid and getting the drop on him requires planning and split second timing and I am too lazy to bother with that, so I shut up and did my job. Mostly just running my restaurant and maybe taking the odd job on the side. Little stuff like mowing Pavshaus's lawn or washing Doom's car. Nothing that I felt I needed to report to Vakirauta.”
“Did he ever find out?” He asked and I dropped my head down a little.
“There was this one time when I had just got done trimming the hedges over at Whale's place and Vakirauta pulls up and just scowls at me.” I said.
“And?” He asked.
“And what? Vakirauta got a scowl that can make birds fall out of the sky! It was intense! Only Whale refusing to play for the job allowed me to save face!” I was upset just remembering it!
“OK, so Hardlicker comes in, takes over. Whale and Doom make themselves his number twos and Pavshaus somewhere in there too. Then it was Vakirauta, Daemon and you. Anyone under you?” He asked and I wiped away the single tear that the hedge job made me shed.
“Sure I had some under me. Dirk Austin had to wash the dishes at my restaurant when he wasn't out taking school kids lunch money. And then I had both Fire Kid and the Wretch waiting tables and when they had some free time, working the golf courses, stealing balls that go into the rough. Then extorting the golfers to get them back.” I smiled. The Golf ball racket made me lots of money. I just wish Vakirauta would have let me keep some of it.
“That's impressive, I guess.” The reporter said. “But you yourself were known by the police to get your hands dirty.”
“Dirty? Nah. I could be known to wash a few windows, and do some gardening work, but mostly I was known as the Cleaner. You know, windows, floors, sinks. Whatever Vakirauta told me to do. He was able to buy himself a new Ferrari with the money I scammed from those rich morons.”
“You stole from them?” he asked and tapped his pen on the pad a couple of times.
“Stole? Hell no! I cleaned the shit out of those places! You could have eaten off the floor by the time I was done. Stole! Like I would jeopardize our scam by stealing!” I couldn't believe this jackass. I was a one man money making machine for Vakirauta and the mob.