Path of Exile: Sacrifice of the Vaal

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Charanjaydemyr wrote:

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PolarisOrbit wrote:

Sounds great!

But just wanted to comment- is anybody proofreading these banners before they post?

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Queen Atziri. The most beautiful woman the Vaal civilization has ever seen.

Really should not be 2 sentences. That's just one example, the whole thing is rife with similar missteps.

edit: some more examples because I was bored

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Queen Atziri. The most beautiful woman the Vaal civilization has ever seen. A monarch who ruled from a throne room of mirrors, holding court as naked as the day she was born. Hers was a sovereignty of seduction. Of Grace.

The Grace of skin and flesh, of poise and dance, of attraction and manipuation. And when Atziri dreamed, she dreamed of Grace made eternal.

^Is a huge mess. There is a mention of birth which does not match the tone of the rest of the passage. Before and after the paragraph break are talking about the exact same subject (in other words: the break is misplaced if the sentences are going to be in that order). "And when" connects to nothing- it's the first time either dreaming or a time event are mentioned.

Rewrite:

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Queen Atziri was the most beautiful woman the Vaal civilization had ever seen. She ruled from a throne room of mirrors, holding court nude so all might glimpse her Grace. Hers was a sovereignty of seduction.

Atziri dreamed of Grace made eternal. The Grace of skin and flesh, of poise and dance, of attraction and passion. Her wish to paint her people in shades of immortal beauty instead drowned them in blood.

Keep the day job. Your version was bland and uninspired. It is childish in comparison.

"Holding court nude" is so bad I actually laughed.

There is rhythm to what Edwin has done here, and your version is tone deaf.

I especially like Edwin's emphatic isolation of Queen Atziri as one sentence. Bam. There she is.

Edwin is extremely good at what he does. If you can't recognize that his passage is poetically structured, very precisely at that, best to save your pedantry for grade school papers.

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Antnee wrote:

So pumped for new content. And just two days after my birthday!

Life is worth living again.

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SL4Y3R wrote:

There is a sound in the distance.