2 beta keys to give away... make me laugh/friend me to get one!

A young blonde woman is upset because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here." The sandwich replies "It's okay, I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already." At about 3AM, he was super drunk. He came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, he cuckooed nine more times, hoping his wife would think it was midnight. He was very proud of himself. The next day, his wife asked what time he got home, and he replied, "Midnight, just like I said." She said that was good, and for some reason she said we needed a new cuckoo clock. When he asked why, she answered, "Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three times, said 'Shit!,' cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started giggling."

An elderly Florida couple, Sam and Bessie, are vacationing in Las Vegas. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, Sam buys them, and wears them back to the hotel, walking proudly.
He walks into their room and says to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”
Bessie looks him over, “Nope.”
Sam says excitedly, “Come on, Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?”
Bessie looks again, “Nope.”
Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different now?” Bessie looks up and says, “Sam, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”
Furious, Sam yells, “And do you know why it’s hanging down, Bessie? It’s hanging down because it’s looking at my new boots!”
To which Bessie replies, “Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. Shoulda bought a hat.”

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and tests were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.”
The first man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.” The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job.”
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came outwith tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair!”

1. A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

2. A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next
to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he
notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks
her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book
about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have
the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average
diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly
replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

3. A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As
he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a
woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as
soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If
your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

3. There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were
sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman
said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50
years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were
sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old
man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty
years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we
get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at
the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly
replied,"My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty
years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in
your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!!

Just pick one.. :)))

16+

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9bZkp7q19f0 :))

Here's my joke:

(hmm...no smiling, but I must make you laugh like mad...ok!)

A man found himself washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. There were only a sheep and a sheepdog washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Hilary Clinton.

That evening, the man brought Hilary to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again..

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Hilary and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Hilary batted her eyelashes and
asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

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This Radio Communication between the Galician Maritime Emergency Station and the U.S. Navy is real and was recorded off the Galician Coast of COSTA DE FISTERRA
Oct. 16, 1997, and released for publication by the Spanish Military in march of 2005.

Galician:
(Background noise)
Here is A853 speaking to you,
please change course 15 degrees
to avoid collision.
You are heading directly towards us,
distance 25 nautical miles.

American:
(Background noise)
We advice you to change course
by 15 degrees north to avoid collision:

Galician:
Reply negative. We repeat. Change course 15 degrees south to avoid collision.

American:
(another voice). This is the CPT. of the Navy of the United States of America speaking to you. We insist that you change course 15 degree north immediately to avoid collision:

Galician:
We see this as neither doable nor necessary.
We recommend for you to change course to avoid collision.

American:
(in a excited commanding tone)
this is captain Richard James Howard, commander of the airplane carrier ”USS Lincoln",
the second largest warship of the north American fleet of the United States Navy:
we are accompanied by six armored cruisers;
six distroyers;
four submarines and several other support ships.
we are on course for the persian golf
to prepare military maneuvers for an offence against iraq:
i do not advise you…
..i order you!...
to change course
15 degrees due north!!!!!
should you refuse to comply we will take all necessary measures
to guarantee the safety of this airplane carrier
and this military force:
you are a member of allied state;
member of nato
and this force.
please obey forthwith and get out of our way !!!!!!

GALICIAN:
This is Manuel Salas Alcontara. speaking.
We are two people.
We are accompanied by one dog,
our food,
two beers
and one man from the Canary Islands,
who is sleeping at the present time.
We have the support
of Radio Cadena Dial la Coruna
and Kanal 106 of the Maritime Emergency.
We are stationed
at the lighthouse A-853 Finisterra on the Galician coast.
We don’t have the faintest clue
which place we occupy in Spanish lighthouse ranking.
And you may go ahead taking those steps you seem randy
to deem necessary guaranteeing the safety of your
shitty airplane carrier,
especially since you are about to smash into the Rocky Coast of Galicia
in a few minutes….
for this reason we persist and would like to put it to your heart one more time
that it be the best, the healthiest and wisest for you and your crew
to change course 15 degrees to avoid collision…….

End of communication

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(And to make you smile:)

Aircraft Gripe Sheets:

After every flight, airline pilots fill out a form commonly called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need to be repaired or corrected. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then fill in on the lower half of the form what remedial action was
taken. Then the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by their maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

(And I promise to friend you of course) :)

one of the best episodes of south park and an epic scene

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rc337vb05jU&feature=related

PISSSSSSSSSSS PISSSSSSSSSSSS OUT MY ASSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!