Mooned Wars

Aboard the Edition Xpire suddenly looked ill.
“What's the matter you old son of a bitch? Did you feel a disturbance in the Farce like billions of people suddenly cried and were silenced?” Epsilon asked.
“Just gas.” He answered and let out a twelve second, four octave fart. “Anyway young Eppie. Its time for you to learn the ways of the Farce.”
“Old religions and folk tales are no match for a good blaster.” Clive said as he joined them.
“I choose to disagree.” Xpire argued, but Clive quickly shot him in the foot. “Mother fucker!” He screamed and hopped around the room while Epsilon ignored them all.
“You gonna eat that?” Hardlicker asked, pointing at Xpire laying on the ground swearing.
“Stow it Licky. They haven't paid in full yet.” Howlitzer said and motioned for him to follow him back into the cockpit where the ship was flying itself at faster than light speed. No need for a pilot until they slowed to normal speed when a computer would be too slow to react.
“Ah R2Boem2, mind fixing the foot?” Xipre asked and R2Boem2 looked to C3Pavshaus, but he was busy picking at his grill where his mouth would have been.
“I'm at least twenty years old at this point and I'm still the most modern piece of equipment here.” He muttered to himself and zapped Xpire with an electrical bolt for the fun of it.
“Fuck fuck fuck!” Xpire shouted, but Epsilon had put his earplugs in and was playing with his laser flashlight.
“This thing is cool!” He shouted over the music. But just then the ship lurched under the impact of something large. “Fuck me!” Epsilon shouted again over the music no one else could hear.
“Putz” C3Pavshaus said to himself, but helped Xpire up and they all headed into the tiny cockpit for a group shot.
“What is it?” Xpire asked trying in vain to sound noble.
“We came out of light speed into an asteroid belt or something. How it didn't kill us at light speed is a miracle!” Clive shouted even though it was quiet in the cockpit and everyone could have heard him if he spoke mormally.
“Where's Alderon?” Epsilon asked.
“Its been destroyed.” Xipre said, again failing to come across wise and elderly.
“That's impossible!” Clive shouted again and everyone slapped him to make him stop.
“Improbable, not impossible.” Hardlicker said, but nobody cared. Then out of nowhere they are shot at by a tie fighter that had no reason to shoot at them. In fact, it should have called them over the radio and ordered them to the Imperial Command Center, but instead, shot once and ran away.
“Nobody shoots at me and gets away with it!” Clive shouted and cringed waiting to be slapped again, but this time his shout was warranted.
“Hey, Howlitzer? If that tie fighter is running away from an old freighter like this one, don't you think it may be a trap?” Epsilon asked drawing Xpire's ire. He had wanted to ask that.
“Its heading for that small moon shaped space ship that has no visible engines to allow it to move across interstellar distances.” Hardlicker said, but Clive was to busy making pew pew noises to hear him.
“Run away! Run away!” R2Boem2 beeped, but only C3Pavshaus understood him and the joke.
“Hey that's no moon, or MoonYu!” Clive whispered.
What?” everyone asked in unison.
“Never mind. Hardlicker, get us out of here.” He siad this time in a normal voice.
“Too late, we're boned.” Hardlicker said and sat back.
“How about we all hide and then sneak onto a heavily armed battle station?” Xpire suggested.
“Sure, why not?” Epsilon replied and Clive and Hardlicker both shrugged. “What could possibly go wrong?”

“Sir! The ship appears to be empty. The log reports several escape pods jettisoned shortly after take off and we would never noticed that while we were chasing this ship after it took off!” The minor officer said to Darth Vakirauta.
“Not to mention that is pursued a tie fighter and jammed its communication before getting in the range of our tracker beam. All dead giveaways of a human presence at the controls.” Vakirauta said to himself.
“You want me to have the ship destroyed?” the minor officer asked.
“No. That would be too simple. I feel the presence of something that is bothering me. Search the ship, but only guard it with two storm troopers.” Darth Vakirauta ordered and did a graceful turn with his beloved cape swishing just right.

Back aboard the Millennium edition, Ha...., Clive and the rest push aside the flooring that was hiding them.
“I'm sure glad that I am a smuggler and had these convenient plot devices to hide in.” He said.
“What the hell do you smuggle? Rancid Java shit?” Epsilon asked.
“Sorry, that was me.” Xpire replied and let out another blast that made Hardlicker passout. “I really need to stop eating ToxicRatt's cooking.”
“What about getting out of here? There's at least two guards and one Tie Fighter!” Epsilon cried, but mostly from the stench.
“We could sneak out of here.” Xpire offered.
“And then what you Old Son of Bitch?” Clive sneered. “We're inside a giant military base with untold resources and while I may be able to blend in, Hardlicker sticks out like a lawyer in Heaven!”
“Let me worry about that. Now, I'll sneak out of here and turn of the tractor beam's power in a way that won't set off any warning signs or alarms. You guys sneak up to a random office and hide there.” Xpire ordered.
“Why not just stay here until you depower the beam?” C3Pavshaus asked, but he was ignored.


“Trooper random number! Why aren't you at your post?” Soon to be killed guy asked. “I never noticed the giant walking furby a few moments ago, explain yourself.”
“Just open the door dead guy.” The other soon to be killed guy commanded. He opened the door and there stood the giant walking furby, two robots and another guy pretending to be a storm trooper that no one on a giant fucking military base noticed.
“Well, I'm boned.” He said as Hardlicker punched him night in the ruts. (Obscure Aerosmith reference, YES!)
“Shit! I'm dead too!” The other soon to be killed guy shouted just before being killed.
“R2Boem2, dock with that computer and find out if I can still save fifteen percent on my car insurance!” Epsilon ordered.
“Hey did you know that the Princess Bex was aboard?” R2Boem2 beeped.
“Duh.” Replied C3Pavshaus. “Why else would we have left the relative safety of the ship and risk everything?”
“Fuck you C3Pavshaus. Fuck you and the wielder that assembled you!” R2Boem2 shot back.
“Lets go save her!” Epsilon said cheerfully.
“What about Xpire?” Hardlicker asked, but nobody cared enough to answer.
“Fine, let's go. Anything beats not getting screen time here.” Clive bitched and moaned.

Meanwhile back at the ranch, Xpire was able to sneak past robots, patrols of storm troopers and a very nosy ARPGfan. His command of the Farce allowed for him to find the only place he could disable the power to the tractor beam without drawing notice to himself. But just then a patrol stopped to watch the doorway he didn't need to go through as he would leave the opposite direction anyway.
“So what's this all about? Another drill?” The first Storm trooper asked the second.
“Go fuck yourself.” The other one countered. “We're about to look foolish and you want answers? Putz.” They settled into an uneasy silence. Xpire used the moment to slip away unseen yet again.

“This plan better work.” Clive warned.
“Or what? You gonna start something here?” Epsilon asked. He was already getting tired of Clive stealing every scene they were in together. But the elevator door opened just then and they got in.
“Hi there!” Said the elevator. “It will be my pleasure to take you to your floor!”
“Prison levels.” Epsilon said cheerfully. Clive and Hardlicker had to contain themselves and not shove Epsilon's head through the elevator's voice module. The elevator opened to the prison level and the guards looked on out of boredom.
“Hi.” One of them said and Clive shot him and Hardlicker opened fire with a large laser machine gun and the two of them shot everyone.
“Could have just said hi back ya know.” Epsilon said and walked pasted the smoking bodies and down the tunnel to the Princess's cell. He pushed the door control. “Princess?”
The room looked empty and he took a step in. A white blur flashed and he got kicked right in the balls!
“I told you! No more Mr. nice guy!” Bex shouted and did a flip over Epsilon's head and grabbed his head.
“We're here to rescue you!” Epsilon managed to get out before she broke his neck.
“Oh. Let's go then.” She smiled and walked out of the cell into a hail of laser fire. You call this a rescue?” She said taking cover.
“Blame him sweetheart.” He's suppose to be the star of this story!” Clive shouted back.
“Well fuck this!” She yelled and took the blaster right away from Epsilon and blasted a hole in the floor. She threw the gun back and dove head first through the opening. “Later bitches!”
“What the fuck?” Epsilon screamed and jumped after her.
“Hey Clive, can I just surrender?” Hardlicker asked, but Clive poited his blaster at him. “Hardass.” He said under his breath and fell through too.
“I certainly hope none of the huge storm troop force on this massive military base thinks to jump in after us!” Clive shouted as he drove through the opening too.

“Lachdanan, my old teacher is here.” Darth Vakirauta said.
“Here? On this station?” Lachdanan asked.
“No, he's floating outside the station.” Darth Vakirauta replied in a sarcastic voice. “He obviously came on that ship we captured with the tractor beam.”
“Oh the ship you left almost completely unguarded despite your having a feeling of unease since it arrived?” Lachdanan shot back, just as sarcastic.
“Well, don't worry. I sent four guards this time since the other two were killed and the princess is now running around this monstrous military complex with several unknown persons, including a giant walking furby. It's just a matter of time until they make it back to the ship.” Vakirauta answered and walked towards the door.
“You could just destroy their ship and trap them on this station.” Lachdanan said, but Darth Vakirauta waved a finger back and forth.
“No. I must face my teacher alone.” He proclaimed.
“What's that have to do with trapping the rest of the group on the station?” Lachdanan asked, but Darth Vakirauta was already fondling his laser sword.
“Oh yeah baby, this is gonna be good.” He said to himself.