The story in POE explained.

I've played through the game countless times and realized I'd never really paid attention to the story, so for others like me in that regard I decided to do a quick summary of the events in Path of Exile. Enjoy.

Act 1

I always liked the idea of a melee/spellcaster character so I select the Templar class. I find out I'm a bit of an oddball and an outcast because of my religion so I name my char Tom Cruise and begin the game.
I find myself face down on beech so I drag my ass up only to discover some bastard has stolen my pants wtf!! theres some other dude here too so I ask him what happened and where my pants are, he tells me about a the boat crashing or some shit but before he can tell me who stole my pants a zombie kills him. Pissed off I smash its face in and go striding off down the beech in search of the bastard who stole my pants.
Upon reaching a town I see a big dude blocking my way in, I ask him if he saw somebody passing by in a hurry that looks like a pant thief and the dude takes a swing at me. i proceed to beat him in the face with my club and enter the town.

I approach the local blacksmith thinking he'll prolly notice new people passing through town especially shady looking folks that steal pants. Sadly he hasn't seen any pant thief's lately but tells me I'm some kind of hero for killing the fat dude outside and says I'll be loved by all in the town. I ask him for some weapons and armor as a reward and he try's to charge me full price, some hero's welcome. After telling him to go fuck himself I wander into the middle of town where I spy a honey hanging out. I mosey on over to her (one does not simply walk up to a honey) and ask her if she wants to give the town hero a "special" reward. She tells me no because of a headache so I walk off horny, pissed off and still without pants!!! Some old dude here;s the exchange and informs me the towns medicine chest was stolen earlier so she is in a mood. Thinking to myself aha that thing will have aspirin to cure the headache issue I go off in search of this chest!

After beating in some heads with my mace (well twig) I return to town with the medice chest aspirin and all ready for my special reward from the honey. She tells me she isn't into old men who walk around without pants on and walks away. i swear to god at this point imma kill the bastard that stole my pants! As I am leaving town the blacksmith tells me he has a problem with crabs, before I can tell him he is getting just too friendly he explains some big mother crab has been pestering the town folk and stealing shit away. I mark this crab as a likely pant thief and go off in search of said crab.

I find and kill the crab and alas he didn't have my pants, the blacksmith thanks me for getting rid of the problem but the fucker still wants to charge me full price for his wares. before i stomp his face in he does give me a tip that the local prison is the best spot to find a thief, I agree with this theory and go off again in search of the pant thief.

I bash my way through the prison when suddenly I am greeted by another honey but she is wearing what look suspiciously like my pants, before I can confront her she does a runner throwing taunts my way. As I follow her into the next room some loud mouthed annoying bastard confronts me, thinking he reminds me of Cybrix I proceed to smash his face in so I can resume the pursuit of the pant thief bitch. After some chasing (I'm too old for this shit) she puts up some kind of magic barrier and runs off, before she goes she does let slip she is heading inland. With my new destination in mind I head back to town to ask if there is any other way inland. Apparently there is but its through some cave guarded by a she witch or some shit, so off i go.

On my way to the cave I met a pirate (there always has to be a pirate in this type of game or its fail!!) Sticking to the code I agree to help him out. I go get his shit and return it to him, where he informs me it isn't a code merely guidelines and then try's to kill me, well I'm not having that so I bash his face in with my now full on tree stump! That done and swearing I'll never help another pirate I head off into the cave and kill the she witch bitch thing.


Act 2

I find myself in a jungle, as I am making my way through I come across a big ass monkey that starts playing the drums. I curse the little bastard as I now have the Umbongo song playing over in my head so I kill him and all his mates.

( here is the umbongo song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wYj5o4kQsXs )

I get into the next town where I find some dumb guy who is selling overpriced shit and can barely talk English, I ask for his help finding the pant thief but all he wants to do is talk about some big ass bear that's been a pain just outside of town. Thinking to myself he'll prolly help me if I get rid of the bear I stomp out of town ready to give Baloo a bashing. Once that's done he gives me a tip off of the likely whereabouts of the pant thief in some old ruins so off I trot in search of the bitch.

After fighting my way through the ruins I confront the pant thief again but the bitch uses some maphax and gets away leaving me to fight some mutant thing after making sure I'm not in an X-men game I kill it and am then greeted by another honey who asks me to meet her back in town after i grab some gem thingy. By now I am weary of the honey on this island so I head to town not expecting much. However she gives me the best lead yet on my pant thief and even a name to go on piety!. Great the hunt is on!

While in town some scraggy looking honey asks me to find the hand of a good man. Thinking to myself beggars can't be choosers I tell her I have a good hand right here baby. She then elaborates that she needs a severed hand and its from a dead dude I agree to help, god knows why but I feel this bitch needs all the help she can get if she is into that kinda stuff so off I go in search of this hand.

I return to town with the hand for the scraggy bitch and she thanks me and goes off to her tent, I shudder to think wtf she is doing with the thing and go and talk to the honey in black who informs me piety has headed to her lab in the city of sarn, but the only way there is to open some sekrett tree or something and it takes both the gem I found and a special spike that some dude in town has. I go off in search of this dude who tells me it was stolen by a giant spider while he was walking in the forest. I'm like cool story bro I bet you dropped the thing when to ran off from the spider screaming like a school girl. However I have my next lead so off I go hunting a big ass spider, as prospect I do not think is wise while not wearing any pants but off I go anyway.

After finding and killing the spider I get my hands on this pike open the super sekrett tree root stuff and go in pursuit of piety. Sadly along the way I make a whoopsie and move some ball thing that makes everything go dark as shit, so I head off back to town to apologize for my actions and assure them I'll put it right before I leave etc etc. While in town some old dude tells me of 3 local bandit chiefs who may or may not be planning to attack the town and asks for my help. After my whoopsie with the big ball of make shit go dark I cannot refuse so agree to go have a chat with em. I leave town heading west in search of the female bandit thinking I can use my charm to win her over. Before I find her however I discover the magic barrier of win that stopped me earlier is being held in place by a fucking pebble, pissed off I continue. I should of remembered my earlier luck with the women in this place all she wants to do is talk politics or some shit. I can't stand politics so I smash her face in and then proceed to to the same to the other 2.

I go back to the old dude to tell him the bandit problem is solved and he informs me the way to life the darkness is to kill some funky robot chicken/monkey thing which happens to be on the way to the city of sarn so off I trot to get that done so I can resume the pursuit of the pant thief bitch. I fight my way up to this dude not knowing what to expect and almost die of laughter when I see the bloody thing. I make a note I NEED to smoke some of the shit the designer of that was on and proceed to engage him in a battle to the death. I notice during the fight when I whack him really hard with my mace he seems to be stunned and if i do this really fast he does a little dance like thing which reminds me of the way nugi dances on his stream lol! Anyways after a long fight I finally kill the robot chicken/monkey thing life the darkness save the world and STILL DON'T HAVE MY FUCKING PANTS ON!!! so I head into the city of sarn...

Act 3

I end up having to fight my way into the city where I am greeted by some stuck up cow who informs me she has not time to help or talk to me right now because she is busy looking for some hoe that ran off for some nookie or something. I think not this "you go, we go" bullshit again but agree to help find the little cow.

After performing a daring rescue (still in no pants!) the ungrateful little wench tells me lover boy got kidnapped and dragged off to some dungeon, however the suspects description sounds just like that of my pant thief so I agree to go rescue romeo. I fight my way down through this dungeon and low and behold I again come face to face with the pant thief who is using some sort of cattle prod on romeo in places it really shouldn't go. However this time she doesn't have a fence or barrier between us so I move forward ready to bash this bitch in the face and get back my pants. Little did I know she still has some sort of fucking map hax and gets away, i swear she won't get away again and return to town to inform them they will not be seeing romeo again and a good job too because he'd be walking like John Wayne.
The hoe thanks me for the effort and gives me the keys to the sewers as a reward, thinking to myself there's nothing I'd rather have I leave he to more the loss of romeo and go ask around town for leads as to where the pant thief might be headed. Some weird looking thing (I think it was designed by the same high as a fucking kite dev that put in the robotchickenmonkey) tells me the only one that will know is some statue. Doubting this information but having little else to go on I head of in search of said statue.

I find the statues house (temple) and after killing 10000001 flying carpets get to talk to her, I laugh to myself because she thinks I'm a cockroach. I mean when did you last see a cockroach with no pants but anyways. She/he/it tells me it will help me but first I have to go fetch some shit for it. bleh more fetch and carry crap anyway off I trot. After fighting more crap and encountering some dogs that have obviously had too much tacobell the amount of fire come out of em I get the shit and return it to the statue who tells me the way to go to get to pietys house. Finally a solid lead on where the pant thief is likely to be this time its advantage me!!


Feeling that I am nearing the end of my quest to get my pants back I set off on the finally journey to pietys house. I fight my way through endless crap including her capt who was a bit of a pain in the ass and some tittybitch things that are both distracting and deadly I finally get to Pietys house and prepare for the finally encounter! Looking forward to finally having pants on I enter for the epic battle. It turns out to be not so epic but alas she didn't have my pants but did drop a key to some tower. Thinking she prolly stashed my pants in the tower along with the rest of her swag I head back to town to ask the whereabouts of this tower.

Funny face thing tells me where the tower is so of I head key in hand ecstatic that I will finally have some pants on and will no longer feel the chill of the wind. I get to the door of the tower and sure enough the key fits so i step through the door, and.............


I AM BACK ON THE FUCKING BEECH AND I STILL DO NOT HAVE ANY FUCKING PANTS!! I QUIT THIS SHIT!




Hope you guys enjoyed the story of POE by Tom Cruise. :)

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valy wrote:

As I follow her into the next room some loud mouthed annoying bastard confronts me, thinking he reminds me of Cybrix I proceed to smash his face in so I can resume the pursuit of the pant thief bitch.

That... was amazing.

got to be cold down there with so much runnin without pants!

i feel for ya xD

i was kinda hoping for a real summary

LOL best thread ever

Awesome!!!!

pants of exile

ntl;dr

(not too long; did read)

and would again.

Maphax....lol.

Nicely done Sir...nicely done.