So I lied

Murder most Mooned

Chapter 1

I entered the room and took it in. A fresh murder scene was just so special! I let it wash over me and I breathed it in deeply. This is why I became a cop in the first place. That and the chicks.

“Detective Moon?” Asked the coroner.

“Inspector Moon, but just Moon will do for now.” I answered. Detective! I had been promoted over two hours ago!

“Wittgenstein, Chief Coroner.” He stressed the chief.

“So what have we got?” I asked looking over the body.

“The victim was shot twelve times, stabbed sixteen times, bludgeoned with several heavy objects,hung cut down and then run over with a car.” he said and shrugged. “Suicide?”

“Not this one Wittgenstein.” I said. “Charan had too many enemies to kill himself.” I knelt next to the body and took a better look at the pattern drawn in his blood on the floor.

“Oh just ignore that.” Wittgenstein said. “My kid drew that after we arrived.” I nodded my head. His kid was a pretty good artist. I turned to my assistant. The Chief had assigned me Boem. I didn’t mind. The kid was a great note taker.

“How many people at this party?” I asked and he flipped his book open.

“A hundred and seventeen!” He shouted. I liked his note taking, but he needed to work on his indoor voice!

“And how many suspects after we eliminate those with alibis?” He flipped another page. I thought I saw my ex’s number at the bottom!

“A hundred and thirty six sir!” Again with the shouting! But I rolled with it and went back to chewing my gum. I had given up smoking recently. The department had cracked down on the crack, so I needed the gum to keep me focused. But there was something about the body that was bothering me. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.

“Ah, Inspector?” It was the coroner again.

“Yes Doc?”

“Mind getting your foot off his head? We’re ready to move the body.” He said. It’s always something with these educated types!

I watched the body be lifted and placed on the gurney, but something caught me eye! There in his left hand was a wadded up tissue! I stopped the men and pried the tissue from his hand and unraveled it. I wish I hadn’t. It was allergy season. I handed the tissue back to Wittgenstein. He held it out like a dead skunk and said he would take care of it.
I turned to Boem, “Who discovered the body?” I asked and he took out a different note pad and flipped several pages. He had a concerned look on his face and put the pad away. As I watched, he took at several more pads and flipped through several pages of each one. I cleared my throat.

“Oh! Sorry sir! I was looking for a good recipe for dinner tonight!” He yelled and I slowly closed my eyes in the pain of it all.

“And who discovered the body?” I tried again. This time he opened his briefcase and took out another note pad. After flipping several pages he brightened.

“Funkhauzer, the butler sir!” He screamed and I winced. Waving my hand to get him to lower his voice!

“Bring him in.” I said trying to clear my hearing. I watched Boem lead to uniformed cops out of the room. I took the time to look over the room better. There were several paintings hung on the walls and all of them were of the deceased. Reading a book, Holding a hand of cards (Aces full of Jokers) and crushing little people beneath his heel. Nothing unusual.
My attention was drawn back to the hallway. I could hear the regulars beating the butler with their batons. I smiled at the memory of my first beating of a suspect.

“Sir, the prisoner, I mean the butler Funkhauzer!” Yelled Boem and I waved off the others. If I needed him beat more during the questioning, I would call them.

“Have seat Funkhauzer.” I said nicely and he looked around the room. “Problem?” I asked.

“There aren’t any chairs in this room Inspector.” He answered and I called back the others. After the beat him a few more times, I tried again.

“We can do this all day Funkhauzer.” I said sweetly.

“My apologizes Inspector!” He said and I nodded.

“Now Funkhauzer, you have worked for Charan for only a few months is that correct?” I asked and he nodded. “And how was it working for him?”

“To tell the truth I hated it and hated him more! I would have gladly killed the bastard given the chance!” He confessed and I shook my head. This was getting nowhere fast.

“Stop dodging the questions Funkhauzer.” I warned him. “I’ll drag your ass downtown if you don’t answer me!” I enjoyed the look on his face. I learned long ago. Give them hope and then take it away.

“Ah, yes I have only worked for Charan for a few months. I did not like it” He said weakly.

“That’s better.” I sneered. “Now what time did you discover the body?” And he looked around and looked even more confused.

“What time is it now?” He asked and I waved the others back in.

“I ask the questions!” I exclaimed and took a turn with the baton too. I would have continued, but my phone rang. “What?” I snapped into it.

“Moon! Get your ass back down here now!” It was the Chief. Vakirauta was a bear to work under. Always concerned with not making the department look bad. Like it was my fault that our vice squad got arrested for prostitution!

I told Boem to get everyone’s name and address at the party so I could follow up on this later. I had a feeling this was going to be a hard case to crack. But I was going to solve it or maybe not. Hard to know how the future turns out, but I could hope.

Chapter 2

I got back to the station and the chief was clawing at the walls. I wish he wouldn’t, it costs us too much money to replace his walls every couple of months! I thought about getting to my desk and just avoid him, but he saw me and crooked his finger at me. This was not going to be good!

“Moon you bastard!” He snapped. “I said mayo on the side!” He thrust is sandwich in my face like I could do anything about it!

“Chief, I told them on the side, but you know these foreign types. They pretend never to understand!” I defended myself. Actually I had forgotten again. But I liked making him mad and this was as easy as it gets.

“Next time I’m sending Xpire! He at least remembers to ask for extra pickles!” He shouted, throwing the sandwich in the trash.

“Xpire?!” I shouted back. “He never gets the right chips!”

“One more time Moon and you are out!” He was getting very red faced! “One more time and I never send you to get lunch again!” It was a hollow threat and we both knew it. “Now what’s going on with this Charan murder? The Mayor is demanding answers!”

“Hell if I know! I just started beating the first suspect when you called me back!” I was his best and I knew it. I could press the issue and he would back down.

“You only beat one suspect in the first ten minutes?” His voice had gotten dangerously quiet
.
“Hey! Blame the Coroner! He held me up!” I lied, but it worked. Vakirauta and Wittgenstein never liked each other. Something about Wittgenstein being better looking, better educated, and better in bed. Not that I would know.

“Alright! Now get out of my office and find whoever did this and fast! I have money on the under! I agreed and smiled to myself as I left his office. I had taken the over!

I still had to get to work and start working the streets. Who to hit up first? Toxic Rat was always good for some information. But did I want to go to that part of town? Sure it was a good place to get something to eat, but I was on a diet. I settled on Reboticon instead. He was a little bit seedier, but his signing voice was smoother.

I made it to the waterfront district and stopped. Reboticon was usually found near the city center trying to get the pigeons to learn to do the Tango! What the hell was I doing here? I should have just turned around and left, but I caught a glimpse of someone I would have to talk to eventually. I got out of my squad car and walked up to Moonlight33 leaning up against the lamp post.

“What’sssss up?” I said in my best frat boys tone. She slapped me hard across the face! Alright. I may have deserved that one.

“Detective Moon.” The acid in her tone was palatable, but I ignored it.

“So what brings a nice place like this around a girl like you?” I asked and she hit me again!

“Sorry Moon, it’s just whenever you open your mouth I want to hit you!” She explained. I understood. I tend to have that affect on women. Especially my current ex-wife.

“Anyway, its Inspector now.” I said rubbing my cheek. “But enough about me. What do you know about Charan’s murder?” I must have struck a nerve. She got all nervous and looking over her shoulder.

“Listen Moon. I shouldn’t tell you this, but Charan had a lot of enemies that wanted to see him dead.” She said in a hushed tone. I stared at her and thought about some violence of my own, but let it go for now.

“I know. That’s why he’s dead and I need to know more about who might have done it.” I said. She slapped me again!

“If you already knew, why are you asking me?” She exclaimed and walked away in a huff!

“Well that was a waste of time.” I said to myself and got back in my car. But before I could leave, I saw a note under the windshield wiper. This was more like it. I got out and retrieved the note. It read ‘Going out of business sale at Inxenium’s outlet store!’ I hate this stupid way of advertizing! I wadded up the note and started to throw it into the street, but I stopped myself. Inxenium’s outlet store had once been owned by Charan! This may just be the clue I needed to break open the case!
Or not.

Chapter 3

I headed over to Inexium’s place and along the way, picked up my assistant Boem. It wasn’t the first time I had to pick him up. The guy had trouble standing since that freak accident at Arpgfan’s Traveling Firing Squad show. I told him not to go, but he wanted to see if he could catch a souvenir. And he did. Now anytime a car backfires, he starts barking like a dog. Damn hypnotists!

“Alright Boem, what did you find out?” I asked him and he began flipping through a pad, watching the stick figure in the corner do a little dance.

“About what?” He yelled. I seriously thought about kicking him out of the car, but we had arrived at Inexiums Discount liquor outlet. He sold alcohol seconds at a discount price. I knew the place well.

“Ah Detective Moon!” He greeted me with a hug. I instinctively checked for my wallet. Yep, still missing.

“Inspector. But let’s cut to the chase. Why did you do it?” I asked trying to catch him off guard!

“Mostly peer pressure, but I have to admit I was curious.” He answered. I nodded. It was the same reason I tried bungee jumping too.

“Listen Inexium! I can put you at the party at the same time Charan was murdered!” I lied.

“I know. I was there. Your assistant took all that information down before I could leave last night.” He said and I frowned. Damn! He had an alibi for now!

“So why would you personally have wanted him dead?” I asked casually, looking over my shoulder.

“How much time have you got?” He replied and I snapped my head back around and heard a loud crack! About time! That kink in my neck had been bothering me since I framed Shadowfluffy for my parking tickets.

“Sir!” It was Boem again and his volume had increased, if such a thing was possible!

“What is it?” I asked and he pointed in frantic motions to the sale sign on the Tequila. I sighed and agreed to let him buy a bottle for the ride home. “Now Inexium, its well known that you hated Charan for tricking you into buying this place!” I pointed my accusing finger at him!

“He didn’t trick me.” He said defending himself. “If anything I have made more money here than I could ever hope!”

“Then why the hate!” I demanded, this time using my accusing finger on both hands!

“I stole his woman away and he let me!” He cried and collapsed in a heap on the floor sobbing. “She just won’t leave!” He said between sobs. I saw Boem hide a second bottle under his jacket and I gave him the thumbs up. I knelt down beside the puddle of once could be called a man.

“We not not done with you yet, make sure you stick around.” I whispered in his ear.

“Why you whispering?” He said as he began regain his composure. I had to think fast! Quickly I spayed him with mace and Boem and I each grabbed another bottle and made for the door!

After hitting the Tequila, I had a couple of thoughts. First, I was going to need some professional help on this case. That meant Crackmonster. And Secondly, when did China start making Tequila? I tried to focus on the label, but my eyes refused to look in any one direction at the same time.

“I love this stuff!” Scream Boem. I closed my eyes under the pain of it all.

“Just get us to Crackmonster.” I commanded and finished the bottle off and tried to chuck it out the closed window.

“You’re the one driving Inspector!” He hollered at the top of his lungs! Oh shit! I was!

Chapter 4

By letting the tow truck bring us the rest of the way, I was able get my head around enough to talk coherently again. I used Crackmonster more than I would like to admit. Mostly because I have a gambling addiction and he’s my bookie.

“Congratulations Inspector Moon!” He beamed. “I hope the promotion came with a raise!”

“I’ll pay you back for that Bermalberist verdict. I just don’t know how they could have found him guilty after all the evidence tampering I did!” I was disappointed. I had done my best to have him acquitted, but he had to go and strangle the bailiff , two members of the press and that poor woman in the wheel chair that got special seating because of it. I think it influence the jury and even the Judge being afraid to come back into the courtroom wasn’t enough to keep him from getting three months probation for littering.

“Yeah, well don’t worry about it. I talked to your Human Resources woman and she assured me that you would pay.” He said with a wick grin.

“You talked to Bex?” I asked and his grin got wider as he nodded. She had said she said she was going to make my life a living hell for that little practical joke I played on her. Women! Place one small bomb under their car and boom! They hate you forever! “Never mind that now!” I remembered why I was here!

“The Charan murder?” He asked and I slipped him a twenty. “Odds favor Solwitch at 2 to 1 with Lachdanan and Hardlicker posting at 3 to 1 and Alysma at 7 to 5 for the daily double favorite.” He said pointing to an elaborate chart behind him.

“Who are the dark horses on this one?” I asked. I liked playing long shots.

“Well, Bunnu is coming in at 10 to 1 and Pneuma and Scrotie McB are good bets at 15 to 1, but I think I would go with Alexdaemon at 100 to 1 to show. Seems the type to make a splash in a murder like this one if you know what I mean.” He said and I took it all down. Boem was passed out and unable to preform his proper duties. I needed to remember to go through his wallet while he was out.

“Alright, give me a c note on Daemon and I’ll take Bunnu for fifty.” I said looking over the board. “What’s with Xpire and EpsilonWhale?”

“The line is still out on them. Once a motive is better established I give you a call.” He held my hundred up to the light. “Got any that aren’t phony?”

“Not today, I’ll see if I can unload a few later and get back to you then.” I said and we shook hands.

“Just remember. I know where you work.” He said holding my hand longer than I would have liked.

“I know.” I said and started across the street to the station. I needed to go over my notes and see if I could find someone willing to off Bex for me on the cheap.

Only I didn’t make it. A large Mini van pulled up and Mike Kowa and Wraeclastian jumped out and threw me into the back. I knew where they were taking me! Victor Doom was this town’s largest crime lord! And these men were his his only two associates. It wasn’t a large town.
“Relax Moon.” said Wraeclastian as Kowa did the driving.

“I am relaxed. This thing is really comfortable.” I said and Wraeclastian smiled.

“I told you this was a better option than that old caddy you wanted to buy.” He said to Kowa. I didn’t hear his mumbled response, but I could see he didn’t take it well.
We pulled up to the only house on the dead street. It was a nice little ranch style with an above ground pool in the back. I would have gotten out on my own, but they had the child locks on and I had to wait for Wraeclastian to open the door for me.

“So, how much does Doom actually pay you?” I asked as they dragged me by the arms into the house.

“The hourly rate is not that great, but his health care plan is top notch and he has one hundred percent matching on the 401k plan up to twelve percent.” Kowa said. The two of them heaved me up and into a nice recliner.

“And don’t forget the dental plan.” Said Wraeclastian. Even covers implants!” He smiled to show me a beautiful set of white teeth. I was impressed!

“Something to drink?” Asked Kowa, but I declined. “Suit yourself.” He said and poured himself a tall glass of milk.

“So.” I asked looking around. “Where’s Doom?”

“Right here Detective Moon.” He said. He was a very skinny man with dreadlocks that did not do anything for him.

“Inspector.” I corrected him. But he was busy with his hair.

“I don’t think I will ever get use to this!” He complained, yanking at the one lock that kept falling in front of his face. “Why did I ever let Lyralei talk me into this?”
“Because you are stupid?” I asked and he got mad and snapped his fingers. Well, he tried to, but failed. I smiled and pulled out my gun that the other two had forgotten to check for and pointed at him. He turned whiter than a Politician at a press conference talking about being caught with a dead hooker.

“Listen Moon, that won’t be necessary.” He was sweating now. “I actually called you here to help you with your case!”

“I’m listening.” I said as I pulled the trigger back. It made a audible click click sound that drew the other two in.

“Charan was my rival and I’m glad he’s dead, it’s just I need to make sure that his killer isn’t planning to take me out next and take over this one horse town!”

“Interesting Doom, except Spoonman brought another horse.” I said waving the gun around. It makes me feel powerful. “So it’s now officially a two horse town!”

“Spoonman! It could have been Spoonman!” He pleaded, slowly sinking deeper and deeper into the couch cushions. It was almost comical to watch. Only Wraeclastian and Kowa were use to it and helped him back up. “I really need to replace this piece of shit sofa!” He exclaimed and I nodded. The springs were diffidently shot.

“What do you know about Spoonman?” I asked and put the gun back away. I had let Wraeclastian and Kowa get behind me and they had put their guns against my head.

“Well, well, well.” He gloated. “Look who has the upper hand this time!” I just smiled.

He was beginning to sink again. Wraeclastian and Kowa had to put their guns away to save him again. I pulled my gun again and this time remembered to demand the others hand theirs over.
“Alright, enough games. What about Spoonman?” I twirled the gun on my finger, but it dropped to the floor.

“I think he’s making a play for Charan’s old racket!” Doom said and handed me back my gun from where it had landed near his feet. He slapped himself in the forehead after he realized he helped arm me again.

“And just what was Charan peddling?” I asked.

“Internet RMT’s” He said and I had to admire the man. RMT’s were big business if you knew what you were doing. I would have to pay Spoonman a visit.

“See you around Doom.” I nodded to Wraeclastian and Kowa. They each took an arm and dragged me back out to the Mini Van.

“If at all possible, could you shoot him for me?” Doom called out. “We’re kind a low on bullets.”

“I do what I can Doom.” I said as the door slammed shut and the van drove off.

Chapter 5

Wraeclastian and Kowa were nice and thew me out in front of the station. I waved goodbye with my finger. One of these days I was going to take down Doom’s empire! Lousy bum didn’t even attempt to bribe me!

“Moon! Get your ass in here!” Screamed the chief out of his window. I could see he was on the phone and only one person could make him that angry.

“”What’s Mayor Hardlicker want this time Vakirauta?” I asked and he glared at me with horrifying bloodshot eyes.

“He wants to know if you have framed anyone yet!” His answer was to my question, but he yelled into the phone. “What?! Yes sir!” And he slammed the phone down.

“Let me guess. You are mad with me.” I said casually.

“No. I am never angry with you.” He said quietly. “I am way past angry!”He screamed. “Now get your ass over to the Mayor’s and take that drunk with you!” He pointed to Boem hanging from the ceiling fan making putt putt noises like he was a boat.

“No thanks Chief, I think I can handle Hardlicker on my own, but thanks.” I said and quickly closed his door to avoid the several objects he threw at it.

I got outside and was going to walk up to the Mayor’s, but Crackmonster waved me over.
“Moon. I got the new line on Whale. He’s coming in at 5 to 1 as a member of the secret Diamond Supporters Club.” He looked pleased with himself.

“Never heard of it.” I replied.

“I said it was a secret you moron!” He snapped and turned his back on me! I shook my head and went around the back to the Mayor’s. As usual the door was locked and I had to use the secret knock.

“Who is it!”

“Inspector Moon.” I said and sighed.

“Never heard of an Inspector Moon!”

“You approved my promotion this morning.” I said and thought about just shooting the locks out.

“Oh Moon!” I could hear the locks disengaging and the seal on the door released. He was dressed in his bathrobe and I hoped something more. He looked both ways up and down the street. “Can’t be too careful. Assassins!” He whispered. I pushed him aside and walked in.
“There aren’t any assassins you dope!” I sneered and admired the several fresh bullet holes that had just appeared above my head. He shut the door and I thought I heard several tings when he did.

“I have enemies you know. Ever since I took this job, Hardlickerville has been the envy of the rest of the state and the other mayor’s are so jealous!” He said and lifted a lever to lower the entire floor below street level.

“We never voted to change the name of Sarn you asshole.” I pushed him into a chair and Slapped him twice,

“Oh right. I forgot. Anyway Moon,” He droned on while rubbing his cheek where I had hit him.

“Any news on the Charan murder? I got money on The Wretch.”

“At what odds?” I asked.

“4 to 3.” He said looking pleased with himself.

“That’s a sucker bet you idiot!” And I slapped him again.

“Stop it!” He cried. I went over to his bar and looked over his selection. He’s the only man the keeps Fuzzy navels on tap! I opened the fridge, but it was all leftover Zimas from the 1980’s.

“You know this stuff expired right?” I asked and he looked away embarrassed. “Anyway Hardlicker, I haven’t ruled you out as a suspect yet either.” I said and pulled my gun and shoved it in his face! “Why did you do it!” I yelled and he pushed the gun away.
“Please. Sure I hated Charan, but like I would get my own hands dirty.” He said and poured himself a navel.

“Yeah, you are one lazy son of a bitch.” I had to agree. “But you still have motive, Chararn was going to run against you next election and there was the little matter of his disgracing you in front of everyone at the fair last month.” It had been a sicking scene. Never before had I seen a grown man so beaten down in the bumper cars. Charan had owned his ass that night.

“Water under the bridge.” He said way too calmly.

“Which bridge are we talking about. I’ll call the dredgers now.” I said and he stuck his tongue out at me.

“Just solve this quickly and if at all possible, make sure that The Wretch did it.” He winked. “Say for a small piece of the action.”

“Sorry Hardlicker, I got my money on Alexdaemon at 100 to 1.” And I flicked the switch to raise the floor back up to street level.

“You’ll never get a conviction. He’s too slippery.” He said and slammed back the rest of his Fuzzy Navel.

“I know, that’s why I only bet on him to place.” I smiled and opened the door. Strange. I don’t remember the spears being impaled on the door when I got here.

Chapter 6

I stepped out in the street and who pulls up? None other the Whale.

“Afternoon Epsilon.” I said as I opened the door and sat down. He never even looked at me, but drove off with a loud squealing. “You mind!” I shouted over the sound of it.

“Sorry Moon, its this new medication. I can’t control myself!” He said. I opened my notebook and started taking notes.

“Planning to use that as your defense?” I asked and he nodded.

“Laying the ground work for insanity too.” He said. I liked how he didn’t take his eyes off the road. Vakirauta scared the bejesus out of me with his having to stare at you while he talked!

“Listen Whale. I need to know more about this Diamond club.” I said and I could see his knuckles tighten on the steering wheel.

“Are you serious?” He sounded perplexed.

“What? I know it’s suppose to be a secret, but I am a cop.” I said. Sure I had only heard about it a few minutes ago, but I can lie with the best of them.

“Secret!” He made a pltthhhh sound with his lips. “I thought everyone knew after Bunnu and Lachdanan were caught on tape lording it over the help at the last meeting.” He looked in his review mirror, but only to check his hair. “I think that Silver club bartender Tanakeah used a smart phone and then leaked it all over the internet.”

“Silver club? What about the local Bronze club?” I asked.

“Oh please! I wouldn’t let a Bronze club member park my car!” He laughed. “Anyway, Charan ruled over the rest of us and we all hated him for it. If you want my opinion?” He looked at me and I shook my head no. “Talk to Lachdanan, he’s still fuming over Charan making him sit at the little kids table during dinner.”

It was a lot to digest and I stared at my notes. Whale pulled the car over and motioned for me to get out. I did, but I stuck my head back in the window.

“What about Alex Daemon?” I asked and he gave me a don’t be stupid look.

“He’s a 100 to 1 for a reason Moon. He’s been stuck up in that old Mansion that was cut off by the storm with nine other guests. He’s the only one with an alibi!” And he drove away. I was depressed. Not only did I place a big bet on Daemon, I realized that Whale had left me out in the middle of nowhere!

Chapter 7

I looked around and saw a house in the distance. Another look up and down the road and I started off through the field towards the house. I got almost to the door when I heard the click of a hammer being pulled back.

“That’s far enough.” The voice called out.

“Police!” I said holding up my badge.

“Moon?” Came the response. I thought I recognized the voice!

“Cronk! I wondered where you had ran off too!” I reached for the door and he put several rounds through it!

“Sorry!” He yelled and opened the door to help me off of the ground. I dusted myself off and shook his hand.

“Understandable, I tend to shoot first too.” We went inside his shack I saw he had his lab up and running again. “Still making counterfeit Power drinks?” I asked and he shook his head no.

“Too dangerous. Red Bull told me that they were going to give me wings if I didn’t stop cutting in on their racket and I took the hint. Now I’m trying to make a fat free salad dressing that doesn’t suck.” He didn’t look happy about it.

“Any luck?” I asked and he slumped.

“No. So far I have only found a cure for cancer and two new Doritos flavors. Barely covers the protection money I have to pay Spoonman to keep you from discovering this place.”

“Ah Spoonman is taking protection money?” I asked and he nodded. I was going to have to have a discussion with Spoonman. I thought we had an agreement.

“Yeah, he said Charan had been eying my operation lately and was going to need extra to make sure he never bothered me again.” he said like it wasn’t anything special. Not that I totally believed him. I still remember him telling me that his sister wasn’t a psychopath. I found out the hard way on our honeymoon that yes she was. It was a 90 on the Nightmare scale!

Chapter 8

I awoke the next morning and looked outside. There was an angry mob outside demanding something. Vakirauta was out in front of them and pointing in my direction. This was not going to be good! I hurried to dress and slipped out the back door of the station. I still had several suspects that I needed to talk to before I could reasonably think about framing Daemon.

Solwitch may have been the best bet given his history with Charan, what with the lawsuit that Solwitch lost along with his car, house, dog, job, and sanity. That was the real low blow. Why Charan felt it necessary to included that in the damages he was awarded for Solwitch’s failed libel suit was just plain mean.

But I had yet to talk to Bunnu, Spoonman, and several others. I still could make a ton of money if somehow Daemon would just reappear, but I still had money on Buunu too. I had never framed a woman before that didn’t have it coming, but money is money and it’s not like I had the slightest clue who really had done it!

I was driving away when I saw Pyrokar trying to flag me down. I slowed and rolled my window down.

“Talk to me.” I said.

“Moon! I think I know who did it!” He exclaimed. I looked him over and decided that I didn’t need to be weighed down with facts and rolled the window back up. As I pulled away I could see him screaming at me in the rear view mirror. It brought a smile to my face. He had been standing too close the car and I had run over his foot. But I did need to figure out where to go next and I decided that it was high time to visit Bunnu. She would have food and I was very hungry.

Bunnu was the richest woman in Sarn and her mansion was very impressive. From the gates made from the bones of those that dared to cross her and guarded by real lions, right down to her pool filled with the tears of orphans. I had swam there before and you really could tell the difference. I pulled up to the door and waited for the valet. That was until I remembered she didn’t have one and I had to get out on my own!

I went to the door, but it was ajar and I pushed it in and looked around nervously. I still forgot to pick up a new gun at the station and I really wish I had one right now! Something was wrong, I could feel it like there was someone was standing behind me or something!

“Inspector.” Buunu said from behind me and I jumped! I spun around, breathiing heavily, but she merely smiled as she strolled past me in her expensive looking clothes, holding her expensive newspaper and parked her self on her expensive looking chair. I regained my composure and tried to match her stroll, but I tripped over an expensive crack in her expensive tiled floor. I fell head first, but managed to roll so that I landed in front of her and I looked up like I meant to do it.

“Hello Bunnu.” I said staying down on the floor to make it seem like it hadn’t been an accident.

“I’ve been wondering when you would arrive Inspector.” Her voice was rich and expensive. But from my advantage point, I could see her shoes had been been polished using an inferior buffer. I lost some respect for her. Still I needed her at the moment.

“Mind if we talk over some food?” I asked her and she laughed.

“I highly doubt it Inspector.” She said and got up from her chair.

“And why pray tell why is that Bunnu?” I asked.

“Because I don’t like to eat off of the floor.” She said and walked away smoothly and I have to admit, expensively into the next room. I lay there for another moment while I tried to make sense of the gut feeling I was having right then. But I remembered that it was because I was hungry and I got to my feet and followed her into the dinning area. Laid out before me was a fest and I made no attempt to hide my hunger. I only wish she had a cook. I try not to eat McDonald’s takeout, but that’s all there was spread across several tables. At least the coffee was good.

“Listen Bunnu, I need some information on the Diamond Club and why you killed Charan.” I took a bite of my Egg McMuffin and tried not to look like I was watching her reaction closely.

“Why Inspector, what ever do you mean?” She also took a bite of her sandwich trying to hide her guilt! Either that or she had an eating disorder. I never saw anyone try to shove an entire McMuffin in their mouth before. It was not pretty.

“I know Charan was the head cheese of the Diamond Club and…,” I had to stop myself. “I mean Head Honcho.” Headcheese! We both laughed at that, but at least I didn’t have any food still in my mouth. She sent bits of her sandwich spewing out all over my coat. She finally swallowed what was left and answered me.

“Yes Charan was the highest ranking member of our little group, but I did not kill him Inspector.” She wiped her face with an expensive looking napkin.

“Hire someone to do it for you instead?” I asked and she started fidgeting. “Someone like Spoonman!” I got up out of my chair and pointed. “You gonna eat that hash brown?!” She handed me the hash brown and I could feel it was cold, but I was still hungry.

“Spoonman! Where did you ever get an idea like that Inspector?” She had recovered her poise and sat there being expensive again.

“You saying that you never had heard of Spoonman before Bunnu?” I pretended to look way.

“I assure you that I have never heard or met this Spoonman you are referring to and should he tell you otherwise, please remind him that I know where he lives and will have him killed if he talks.” She said and got up and left the room. Pausing only a moment at the doorway. “Good Day Inspector.” She said and was gone. I sat there a moment longer to make sure she wasn’t coming back so I could let go the fart I had been holding in.

Chapter 9

I left Bunnu’s place and felt maybe, just maybe I was getting close to the answer. I could claim I saw Daemon and that he fled before I could make the arrest. No. That wouldn’t work. He had to show for the bet to pay off! Damn it! I sighed and figured I best get around to Spoonman’s place. He was an assassin, but not a very good one. At least six others had also hired him to kill Mayor Hardlicker, but so far nothing. I could at least get my deposit back if nothing else.

I arrived at his hideout and sat there looking at it. He was the only assassin I knew that advertized on a billboard next to his secret lair with a giant arrow pointing to the door. I reached for my gun and sighed again. The station was clear across town and I didn’t feel like driving there and back just for this! Oh well, no one said being a cop was easy. Except maybe for Eggy and Jonna Dark. But not anyone else.., lately.

I got to the door and it opened before me. I would have been impressed, but I could see the pressure mat under the carpet he had laid out. He had stolen it from the local supermarket. It was dark inside and it took time for my vision to adjust. I could hear Spoonman yelling at someone in another room and I glanced around for anything I might use to protect myself! I picked out the second shotgun to the right. I always had a thing for pump action shotguns. The other wall was full of machine guns, but I didn’t care for them. I felt they were overkill. Plus the crew served anti-aircraft guns were too bulky.

Thus armed, I felt better. I could still hear Spoonman swearing at someone and threatening all kinds of violence. I tip-toed down the hallway and readied myself. I wasn’t afraid of Spoonman, but I didn’t know who else was in there. He was trading insults with someone, but I couldn’t hear the others voice, only Spoonman’s! His tone was increasingly agitated and I eased up against the doorway and took several deep breaths.

“Son of a bitch!” He screamed and I raced through the door and waved the shotgun at his opponent!

“Drop it!” I started to scream, but it was only his TV hooked up to a game of Call of Duty! He had been screaming a six year Korean kid over a microphone that kept killing him.

“Fuck you!” He yelled and took out his gun and put several rounds through the set. “If I ever get to Korea, I ‘m going to find that little shit and kill her!” He screamed and realized that I was standing there. “I mean, I’ll look her up to congratulate her.”

“Hi Spoonman, mind putting the gun down before I shoot you, or do you want to wait until after?” I asked and he looked sheepish and deflated.

“Ah Moon.” He paused and slowly put his gun on the table. “I was going to call you. I almost had Hardlicker yesterday, but you know how these things go.” He was making excuses and I just shook my head and pointed with the shotgun towards the kitchen. He got the message. Once there, he turned on the light and I wish he hadn’t. The place was filthy and reminded me too much of my own place. That’s why I slept in a cell at the station. Less rats.

“Spoonman, you need to talk me. None of this pussyfooting around either!” I laid the shotgun on the table, but still pointing in his general direction.

“Listen Moon, I swear by this time tomorrow Hardlicker will be dead!” He eyed the shotgun and then the doorway.

“Hardlicker is no longer your concern. I’ll be expecting a refund on that one. But I got a larger fish to fry.” I moved the gun slightly as he tried to shift in his seat towards the door. “I just talked to Bunnu.” I watched him like like a trained policeman that I was, but aside from the hand wringing, wide eyed expression of shock and the sweating, he was unreadable.

“I never heard of her.” He said and pulled down the large note on his fridge that read ‘Remember to call Bunnu back!’ I pretended not to notice, but I had another card up my sleeve.

“She said as much.” I said and made my move. “Where’s Daemon?” I demanded and he got a blank look on his face.

“What?” He asked and I picked up the shotgun.

“I need to know where he is and I need to know today!” I had the over, but Hardlicker had tomorrow on the sheet and if I wanted the extra fig, I needed to make an arrest today!

“Moon I swear I don’t know!”He cried and bolted for the door. I put a single round through the wall and I heard him scream. I smiled and went to see where I had hit him.

“You shot my wall!” He screamed. “Now I’ll never get my deposit back!”

Alright. So I missed. He high tailed it out the front and I heard him take off with a squeal of rubber. I was going to enjoy this. I loved moving targets. I stepped outside and raised the gun. But the fucker had stolen my car! I knew I shouldn’t have left the keys in it! I looked around for his, but I’ll be damned if I would ever be seen in a Prius!

I lucked out as Boem came around the corner and came to a screeching halt right in front of me.

“Good timing Boem.” I said and he looked at me funny.

“Huh?” He asked and raised the bottle of discount Chinese Tequila to his lips and I saw the worm go down the neck into his throat!

“Nice.” I said opening the door and shoving him to the passenger side. “Never should have let you out of the asylum.”

“What?” It was Solwitch spread out in the back!

“What the fuck are you doing here?” I screamed and he waved with a stupid smile on his face. He must have hit the bottle too! “Jesus! I really don’t have time for this!”

I put my foot to the floor and sped off after Spoonman. I had left my favorite mix tape in the player I wanted it back!

Chapter 10

I would have had a better day if Boem hadn’t thought the car would run better with a drink of Tequila when he gassed it up. The motor exploded as I turned the first corner and I sat there as the car slowly drifted off the road. I sat there thinking about how many people I was going to have to harass, frame and generally act badly towards if I didn’t solve this case and soon!

I got out and hitched a ride back to the station. Vakirauta was waiting for me and demanded why I had let the under slip by!

“Sorry Chief, but you lost on this one. I still have chance today if I can just find
Daemon!” I said and he took it well. Only slamming one of my hands in a drawer.

“You and I both know Alex didn’t kill Charan!” He screamed at me and I nodded.

“He still pays a 100 to 1 to place!” I pointed out and he relaxed when I told him I would cut him in on a piece of the action.

We got to business and began tracking Daemon’s known movements and put out a call to the other cops to find this haunted mansion that he and nine others had taken off to. We both were staring at the map when we were disturbed.

“Excuse me Detective.” It was Scrotie McB.

“It’s Inspector!” I said dismissing him.

“Ah, Chief Vakirauta?” He tried again. We both turned on him and gave him the evil eye. He took it well considering he was covered in blood and hold a knife in one hand and he had a gun tucked in his belt. “I’d like to turn myself in. I killed Charan.”

“Stow it McB!” Growled the Chief. “No one put any money on you!”

“But I killed him! I shot and stabbed him. Then I bludgeoned him several times, hung him from the rafters and then cut him down so I could run him over with my car!” He pleaded.

“Get lost McB.” I said. We’re pinning this on Daemon.”

“Yeah, you had the least motive out of any of us.” Said Vakirauta.

“I know, but I guess I snapped. He kept correcting my grammar and I couldn’t take it anymore!” He broke down crying and I felt bad for him.

“Listen, McB. You have any idea where Daemon is?” I asked and he nodded his head. “Good. Now tell us where he is and then go and put down everything you have on him to place.” I patted him on the back. He looked up at me and smiled a weak smile.

“Really?” He asked and I nodded. “He’s home now. Just got back from that party over at Lachdanan’s. He was the only survivor.” It was my turn to smile. I finally was going to close this case!

The Chief and I raced over to Daemon’s place and sure enough he was there. Just sitting there playing some game on the computer. I had remembered to bring a gun this time!
“Hands up Daemon!” Yelled the Chief.

“Hi guys.” He said never looking up from his computer. “I guess your here to arrest me for killing everyone at Lachdanan’s party.”

“Nice try Daemon.” I said and spun his chair around to face us. “We’re pinning Charan’s murder on you!”

“Really? What’s the odds?” He asked and we told him. He whistled and then frowned. “I should have never put my money on Pnuema!” He held out his hands and I cuffed him.

“Don’t worry Alex. I doubt you be convicted. I lost most of my notes when Spoonman stole my car and Wittgenstein left the rest of the evidence out in the rain last night.” I assured him and he smiled.

“Yeah and Scrotie McB actually did it, but he didn’t pay enough to be considered a reasonable suspect.” Said Vakirautra.

“Nice to see the system still works.” Alex said and we all had a good laugh as we dragged him down the stairs.

Epilogue:

I was sitting in the Chief”s office counting my winning and smiling. Vakirauta was on the phone being chewed out by Mayor Hardlicker and making he’s crazy circles with his finger around his ear with his other hand.

“Yes sir!, No Sir!. Listen I’ll,…, Yes sir!” and he slammed the phone down. “Hardass!” He flipped the phone off.

“What’s his beef?” I asked.

“The jury found Alex not guilty of course. The Mayor had him to convict and lost everything.” Vakirauta reported and I smiled. Hardlicker didn’t know it, but Daemon was also planning to run against him next year and he already had bought my vote!