Star Wars Parody? Hell yeah!

Chapter 1

“Did you hear that?” C3Pavshaus asked R2Boem.
“Beep beep twirp!” R2Boem2 replied.
“Yes I know sound can’t travel through space, but this is a movie so just play along.” C3Pavshaus whispered back.
“Wheeee, beep.” R2Boem2 answered.
All around them crew members were hurrying to get into place to aim at a door that the Empire would diffidently use instead of cutting through the hull anywhere else, like the command bridge.
As they waited the door began to glow as the troopers cut through it and then with a bang, they stormed through instead of throwing some gas grenades first. But clones are expendable and the first ones got shot. The crew of unarmored defenders were forced to fall back as laser blasted echoed around them even though lasers don’t make sounds.
The fight raged on with the trained, armored storm troopers still getting one shotted. C3Pavshaus and R2Boem crossed the hallway in the middle of a fire fight unharmed only to have the doorway they went through explode. But they were unharmed and showed up later without any damage.
Back at the breached doorway a huge black clad figure stride in and the troopers stand at attention.
“D’Vaki in da house!” He booms and the storm troops all start dancing, raising the roof with their hands. “Bring me the passengers! I want them alive this time bitches!”
“Fucker takes all the fun out of being a storm trooper.” Says one of the troopers quietly to another.

C3Pavshaus is searching for R2Boem2. Must have gotten separated by the explosion that didn’t harm either one of them. Down the hallway he sees R2Boem2 possibly being fondled by a woman. She moves off and C3Pavshaus goes up to R2Boem2.
“What up bitch?” He asks.
“Doop Beep Beep bop.” R2Boem2 replies and starts to move off.
“Hey wait up! I’m a plot device too!” C3Pavshaus shouts and follows R2Boem2.
The woman is hiding, but not very well when a Storm Trooper spots her.
“There’s one!” He shouts and she one shots him before trying to kite away.
The next Trooper shoots in the back and stuns her.
“Tell Lord Vakirauta we have a prisoner.” He says to the one behind him.
“Fuck you. You tell him!”
“Hey I shot her!” The first one argues.
“What about the dead trooper?” The third asks.
“What about him?” The second asks.
“She just killed him and now is unconscious. Maybe we could, you know, have some fun?” the third says.
“And possibly piss off Vakirauta? Fuck that man!” The first says.

R2Boem2 is moving down an aisle while C3Pavshaus is whining behind him.
“Just wait up already!” C3Pavshaus cries. “I’m a poorly made robot incapable of fluid movement!”
“Beep bop bop.”
“Leave my mother out of this!” C3Pavshaus screams, but it draws the attention of a storm troop that despite orders to take prisoners, fires a full charge blast that causes C3Pavshaus to enter a restricted area that his programming should have totally prevent him from entering.
The escape pod launches and they float away. Aboard the Star Destroyer a gunner takes aim.
“Hold on. There’s no life forms aboard.” Says the officer.
“What about the evidence of an escape pod making it to the planet and possible ruining our cover story?” The gunner asks, but he only gets slapped up against the head.
“Jerk. Stop wrecking the plot line!”

The Princess is escorted, unmolested, to Darth Vakirauta.
“Lord Vakirauta. I should have known it would be you.” she sneers.
“Ah Princess Bex, always a pleasure.” He snaps back. Take her away!”
“That was fast.” Says one of the troopers, but both Princess Bex and Darth Vakirauta stare him down and he mutters, “Sorry.” and takes her away.
“Holding her is dangerous.” says another underling that never has another line.
“Leave that to me.” Darth Vakirauta replies and stomps away too.
“Who the fuck did he think we were going to leave it to?” Asks another trooper.

Chapter 2

Down on the surface of the strange planet, C3Pavshaus looks around.
“What a dump.” He says.
“Dwep doop beep.”
“Yeah well fuck you too. You were the one steering!” He fires back and starts off in a huff. “Just fuck you! I have had enough of your shit!”
“Blurp beee bop.”
“No! I have had it up to here with your speech impediment!” C3Pavshaus yelled back as he walks away. “You’re a fucking robot! You could have been programmed to talk! But noooooo! I have to translate everything you say!”
R2Boem2 watches him crest a dune and move out of sight.
“Fuck’em if they can’t take a joke.” He says to himself and starts off in the opposite direction.

R2Boem2 is traveling alone down a well worn and flat path, but his sensors tell him that bad things are about to happen. Does it matter that in the prequels he can shoot oil and fly, settings those around him on fire? Nope. Even though he is a robot, he is scared. The Jawas jump and and tase him in a surprise attack! Possibly ruining his circuits and now have to carry the heavy piece of metal back to their vehicle by hand.
Once aboard the giant armored tank of a portable store, R2Boem2 is greeted by other stolen robots.
“R2Boem2 is that you?” C3Pavshaus asked.
“Who did you think it was moron?” R2Boem2 says quietly to himself. “I guess we all really do look alike.” Suddenly they can feel the huge craft start moving its extremely high center of gravity over the soft sands of the desert planet. The vibration is bad enough to shake everything around, also possibly damaging already dinged up equipment.
“Do you think he really is going to try and put every little scene in this parody?” C3Pavshaus asked.
“How the fuck should I know?” R2Boem2 fired back. “I’m not the one writing this shit!”
“I think I liked it better when you just beeped all the time.” C3Pavshaus said and turned his attention to the attractive walking gas pump. “Hey good looking. Got any diesel?”

Chapter 3

“Epsilon!” A woman’s voice called out.
“Yes Aunt Soon to be killed?” Epsilon called back.
“Make sure Uncle Also Soon to be killed gets a martial aide bot!” She says.
“I’ll tell him, but you may just have to sleep with him!” Epsilon shuddered before joining his uncle looking over the robots.
“We take the wrong one there and have you got any that can take a you know what with?” The Jawa looks at him as several of the younger ones run to throw up.
“squeekie squeekie” It may have said. Epsilon starts looking over the Gas Pump bot and rubbing its side.
“Hey baby…,”
“Epsilon! Take that wrong robot and this faggy looking one in to be cleaned.” His uncle said pointing to C3Pavshaus.
“But I was going to go and try and hit on the whores at Tashi Station.” He protested.
“You can go and dip you wick in a Wookie Pookie later. I need to get these possibly stolen, dirt cheap robots laundered quickly to hide where they really came from!” Uncle Also to be killed said in a raised voice. Epsilon pouted and kicked at the sand.
“Let’s go, you too wrong robot.” He said, but the wrong robot blew its top.
“Uncle Also soon to be killed! This robot has a bad agent! We’ll never find it work!” The Uncle gets red faced and the Jawa shrinks a little.
“Fucking me over huh?” He shows a blaster hidden under his drab overcoat.
“Excuse me sir, but that right robot over there is the one you really should buy. Not that I’m threatening you kill you in your sleep if you don’t.” C3Pavshaus said.
“Uncle Also soon to be killed! How about that other R2 unit?” Epsilon called out.
“Yeah, whatever.” He replied and grabbed the Jawa. “Fuck with me again and I’ll shove my nephew so far up your ass…” He continued for several more minutes, but Epsilon had taken the droids inside already.

Chapter 4

Down in the bunker, Epsilon is cleaning up R2Boem2.
“Oh yeah baby, Oh yeah.” R2Boem2 said. “Yeah, stick that wrench in. Harder bitch harder!”
“C3Pavshaus, what is this R2 unit saying?” Epsilon asked while jamming the wrench in harder.
“Ah…, I’m not sure. But I can assure you that it’s not sexual in anyway.” C3Pavshaus tried to give R2Boem a dirty look, but his face was made of metal.
“Well that’s too bad because Uncle..,” Epsilon was interrupted by a hologram appearing.
“Help me you son of a bitch! You owe us!” Said the image of a girl. It phased out and then repeated itself.
“Holy shit!” Epsilon yelled. “Got any of her without her clothes on?” The image flickered again and repeated itself. “Who is she?”
“How should I know? I was only on the ship with her and my computer of a brain isn’t good at remembering anything unless it helps the plot to move.” C3Pavshaus said.
“Tell him to jam the wrench in again. I was so close!” R2Boem2 beeped.
“Well I have to go eat with my soon to be dead relatives, You two stay put. I will be back to finish rubbing you down.” Epsilon got up and left the room.
“What the fuck’s wrong with you?” C3Pavshaus cried.
“What?” R2Boem2 replied. “Its not like I’m sticking around.”
“You better not leave me here alone. I think the uncle wants me.” C3Pavshaus said in a hushed voice.

“Well that was a waste of a time” Epsilon said coming back into the bunker. “Hey! Where did R2 go?”
“Said something about finding the son of a bitch the hologram talked about.” C3Pavshaus said.
“Shit. I wonder if he means old Xpire. He’s a son of a bitch.
“Better than staying here and getting killed with your aunt and uncle.” C3Pavshaus added. Epsilon nodded.
“Yeah, fuck them.”

Epsilon and C3Pavshaus hopped into Epsilon’s speeder and took off across the desert.
“Put you arms down!” Epsilon ordered and C3Pavshaus lowered his arms he had been waving back and forth, enjoying the ride.
“Hardass.” He mumbled.
“You say something?” Epsilon asked, but C3Pavshaus shook his head. “Well keep it that way.”
“So you don’t care that your sensors are showing a droid up ahead?” C3Pavshaus asked in a sarcastic tone.
“There he is!” Epsilon called out. “Amazing how far he got in such a short time without being stolen again.” They pulled along side R2Boem2.
“Hey now that I got you way out here in the waste land, do you care that there are a group of hostilesinbound closing in?” He beeped.
“What?” Epsilon asked.
“He says you are about to get you ass kicked.” C3Pavshaus translated.
“Well I would like to see someone try.” Epsilon boasted just before getting kicked hard straight up through the legs by a Hostilesinbound. “Ooomph!” He let out as he fell to the ground.
“Yeah baby!” Hostilesinbound shouted pumping his hand into the air. “Another one bites the dust!” But suddenly there was a weird sound coming and Hostilesinbound freaked and took off.
“What a pussy.” R2Boem2 said to himself.
“If you want. I can leave you here for when he comes back.” Said a stranger.
“Ah, no.” R2Boem2 replied.
“I thought not.” The stranger said. Epsilon came to then and stared up at the stranger.
“Xpire?”
“Come on shake a leg young Epsilon. Hostilesinbound will be back and in great force soon.” Xpire said.
“Wait where’s C3Pavshaus?” He looked around and saw C3Pavshaus had fallen and couldn’t get back up.
“Just leave me here Master Epsilon.” He whimpered.
“Ok. Let’s go guys.” Epsilon said, but Xpire whispered in his ear about how much the scrap metal was worth. “On second thought, I guess we can save you. For now.”

Chapter 5

Meanwhile back on the Deathstar (Why the empire would name it that is a little strange. Sure the Emperor is evil, but you still have to govern the populace. Maybe should have called it the Grand Imperial Command Station.)

“General Lachdanan, I thought I recognized your foul stench when I came aboard.” Princess Bex said. Darth Vakirauta was glad his face was hidden behind the mask.
“Listen, I had a bad experience as a child in the shower, so deal with it.” Lachdanan replied.
“You could at least brush your teeth! Phew!” She waved her hand in front of her face.
“Charming as always. Take her away!” Lachdanan ordered and Darth Vakirauta was happy to escort her away. His filters did nothing to stop the smell.

Now back to Luk.., Epsilon!

“So Epsilon, what brings you out to this desolate region?” Xpire asked. Epsilon was busy trying to put C3Pavshaus back together, put several important parts were missing.
“That little R2 unit has a message for some Old Son of a Bitch.” He said and went back to slamming the bolt in C3Pavshaus’s head with a hammer.
“Old Son of a Bitch? I haven’t heard that name in a long time.” Xpire said, leaning back with a double scotch on the rocks.
“You know who it is?” Epsilon asked, now using an angle cutter. Sparks are flying everywhere.
“Yeah, I know who it is. Its me you dolt.” He sneered and picked up a remote and pointed it at R2Boem2.
“Well then check your messages. I ain’t no secretary.” Epsilon shouted back over the sounds of the jackhammer.
“Little lower.” Pleaded C3Pavshaus. “Ah yeah!”
“I can never remember my password.” Xpire said while punching numbers into the remote. Finally, he got it right and the message started from the beginning.
“Old Son of a Bitch, you owe us! My father made sure that the bodies were never recovered! You promised that you would pay us back and now its time you fucking deadbeat!” The image flickered, but started again. “This droid has some serious shit stored on it and you will take it to the rebels. Don’t make me bring up your..” There was more, but Xpire hit the mute.
“Well, I’m boned.” He said.
“Well then, I guess I go back to the farm and jack off some more. Come C3Pavshaus. I think you’ll do.” Epsilon said.
“No, you need to stay here and learn the ways of the Farce.”Xpire said locking the door. “Besides your Aunt and Uncle are already dead by now.”
“This does save a lot of time and effort for moonYu.” Epsilon said, sitting back down.

CUT! Back to the Grand Imperial Command Station!

“Holding Bex is dangerous. She has a loyal following of stalkers.” Bermalberist1 said.
“Oh right. Here we are on the fucking largest battleship ever built and you are worried about Solwitch and ARPGfan?” Fire Kid screamed at the top of his lungs. He was tired of being ignored and this would be his only line in this story.
“She’s a fickle woman.” Bermalberist1 protested. He slumped back in his chair.
“This technological nightmare is but a speck compared to the power of the Farce.” Darth Vakirauta sneered.
“Hey!”
“No offensive Nightmare90. Just a idiom.” Darth Vakirauta apologized. Nightmare90 still continued to pout and mutter obscenities.
“Yo Darth! Your sad devotion to that dead religion of Farce is almost as bad as Fire Kid’s devotion to puns or my devotion to lifting.” Bermalberist1 called out.
“I find your lack of compassion troubling.” Vakirauta replied, raising his middle finger. Bermalberist1 started choking and everyone around him got a worried look on their face.
“Enough of these petty penis power games! Darth, release him!” Ordered Lachdanan.
“But I’m not doing anything to him.” He protested. An aide step forwarded and did the Heimlich. Bermalberist1 coughed out a large object.
“Funny, I didn’t remember eating that.” He said, “Anyway Lord Vakirauta. I find it amusing that even as the Emperor’s number one man, as set up in all the other movies, you are taking orders from a mere general.”
“Yeah what’s up with that?” Nightmare90 added. Fire Kid wanted to say something, but he still didn’t have anymore lines.

Chapter 6

“So just what is this Farce you speak of?” Epsilon asked.
“It is what binds us together, like a bad pun. You laugh even as you groan. As a Java master you can influence the Farce to your benefit.” Xpire said and winked.
“It controls us?” Epsilon was incredulous.
“Well in this movie, it is more of an abstract. Its wielders have skill, but unlike the rest of the series, especially the prequels, its more of a vaguely religious undertone.” Xpire said opening up a chest. On top are a bunch of porno magazines. Epsilon tries to grab one, but gets his hand slapped. “Later.” Xpire finally finds what he is looking for.
“What’s that?” Epsilon asks and gets slapped.
“I was getting to it! Now sit down and shut your fucking pie hole!” Xpire snapped. Epsilon rubbed his face and realized Xpire really was an old son of a bitch. “Now this was your father’s Laser Sword.” He said holding out flashlight. “No wait! That’s my flashlight” He turns it on and looks into the chest some more.
“You said my father was a Java?” Epsilon asked.
“Nope. You merely have inferred it.” Xpire replied and finally brought out a simple looking tube. He flicked the on switch and a beam of light moved out of it with some cool sound effects.
“Can I play with it?” Epsilon asked and Xpire handed it to him, but then moved a safe distance away.
“But yes, your father was a Java Warrior.” Xpire opened one of the mags. “Pretty good with the ladies too.”
“So what happened to hm that required dumping me on this shithole of a planet?” Epsilon asked making circles with the laser sword. The cat was going nuts trying to jump on it, but Epsilon just laughed.
“Well long story short, he was killed by another Java Warrior. Darth Vakirauta.” Xpire turned the page and his eyes widened as he had to turn the magazine a little.
“As long as you aren’t lying to me and hiding the fact that my father actually is Darth Vakiruata.” Epsilon said, poking the magazine with the laser Sword, causing it to catch fire.
“That would just be stupid.” Xpire said putting the fire out. “Totally make no sense really and ruin what could have been a much better series if Vakirauta was your father’s friend, but then ends up betraying him.”
“Yeah, because then they would compound the problem by making me have some sister I never knew of and Darth Vakirauta’s Farce abilities should have made it apparent when he tortures her, that she is in fact his daughter.” Epsilon said sitting back down.
“I know, right?” The powers of the Farce could really get out of hand in future installments.” Xpire yawned. “Anyway, let’s go find a space ship. This place is too boring.”

Chapter 7

“Behold! Moss Eisly, the most wretched hive of scum and villainy this side of Silocibe’s threads.” Xpire said.
“Wow. Worse than Moon’s” Epsilon asked.
“Let’s not get carried away now boy.” Xpire shook his head as they moved into the city. Inside the city, they came to a squad of Storm Troopers manning a roadblock.
“You own these droids?” The leader asked.
“These are not the droids you are looking for.” Xpire said.
“These are not the droids we are looking for, move along.” The squad leader said and they moved on.
“I thought we were goners!” Epsilon after catching back his breath.
“Just took a bribe to the right person. Never saw me slip him the fifty did you?” Xpire smirked. “Oh and you owe me fifty.”

They made their way to a seedy bar and Xpire smiled. They didn’t have his picture up on the do not serve wall. They entered the bar and the bartender looked them and shouted,
“Hey we don’t serve their kind here!”
“No shit, they’re robots and don’t require any food or drink.” Epsilon shouted back.
“Never mind then.” The bartender said and went back to watering down the whiskey. Xpire moved off leaving Epsilon alone at the bar.
“I don’t like you!” Said Toxic Ratt.
“I get that a lot.” Epsilon answered back.
“He doesn’t like you either.” Toxic Ratt said pointing to another alien.
“Whoa whoa whoa!” Don’t go getting me involved!” Shouted Velocireptile, but no one could understand him with his mouth full of shrimp.
“I can just move down there if you like.” Epsilon pointed out.
“I rather do something stupid and possibly get killed or maimed” Toxic Ratt replied.
“This little one is not worth the trouble, come let me buy you a drink you filthy rotten stinking parasite on the universe’s ass.” Xpire offered, trying to defuse the situation.
“I’m not with him.” Velocireptile tried to say, but he had just jammed another handful of shrimp in his mouth.
“I rather you kill me and cut this ugly thing’s arm off!” Toxic Ratt shouted.
“What? No! I don’t even know this guy!” Velocireptile almost got out, but Xpire had enough and killed Toxic Ratt and cut off Velocireptile’s arm.
“Mother fucker!” He screamed. “Free shrimp during happy hour is not worth this!” But everyone had gone back to ignoring him. He wiped away a tear and picked up his severed arm and left the bar. “Assholes.” He said under his breath as he exited to outside.

Back at the bar Xpire introduced Epsilon to a huge hairy beast.
“Epsilon, this is Hardlicker. He’s first and only mate a ship that may suit our needs.”
“Huh?” Epsilon asked with a mouthful of free shrimp. Xpire closed his eyes and counted to ten.
“Follow me.” He said and as he walked away he muttered to himself. “Idiot.” Hardlicker led them to a table were a Indiana Jones type was sitting alone nursing his drink.
“I’m Clive Howlitzer, captain of the Millennium Edition.” He said. “Licky here tells me that you need a fast ship.”
“How did he tell you that when we just got here at the same time?” Xpire asked.
“Hey! I want to know why Moon didn’t write himself in as Han Solo.” Epsilon said looking around, but Moon was nowhere to be seen.
“I think his ego got in the way and he’s planning to make himself the Emperor.” Hardlicker answered. “Not that he’s going to do an Empire Strike Back story.”
“Better not. This one sucks enough as is.” Clive said and everyone agreed. “So go to the ship and wait for me. I have to kill someone first to prove my street cred.”

Chapter 8

“Going somewhere Clive?” Spoonman asked with a blaster in his hand.
“Well I was going to see your boss, but I guess I could just stick around here and..,”
“Wait! I’m the one you kill to establish your street cred?” Spoonman asked as they sat back down at Clive’s table.
“You must of pissed Moon off something fierce.” Clive offered.
“Yeah,I said he was no DaleWinters and he’s taken it personally ever since. Making sure I get hurt badly or worse in all his stories now.” Spoonman looked very depressed.
“Well if it makes you feel any better..,”Clive said, but shot Spoonman through the table before finishing the sentence.
“Fuck!” Spoonman screamed.
“Ah, you’re suppose to be dead already.” Clive pointed out and shot Spoonman again.
“Son of a bitch! In the head! In the head!” Spoonman screamed. “Just fucking shoot me in the head!”
“I would, but Moon keeps making me miss!” Clive apologized and shot him two more times.
“Ow ow ow ow!”
“Sorry Spoonman, I got to go. Maybe someone else can finish you off.” Clive offered and there were a sea of hands from volunteers at the bar.

Clive left the bar and headed to the ship. There he found Wretch the Butt. (let’s face it, pizza the hut has already been done!)
“Hey Wretch.” He said and the Wretch’s men waved until he glared at them.
“Howlitzer! Did you have to shoot Spoonman?” He croaked.
“What’s wrong with the voice?’ Clive asked.
“Fucking Eutychus gave me the flu.” He coughed and cleared his throat.
“Well get plenty of fluids, but I got to run. You know, gotta keep the story moving.” Clive said and headed up the ramp.
“What about you shooting your way out of here?” Wretch asked.
“Moon decided to skip that part too.”

Chapter 9

“What a piece of junk!” Epsilon said.
“I’ve made a lot of modifications myself.” Howlitzer replied.
“To what? The bathroom?” Xpire quiped.
“Yes. I put in a low flush toilet and cost effective lighting.” Clive said opening the door to the bathroom.
“Ooh! You mind? I ate some bad Java earlier.” Xpire asked, grabbing a copy of the Daily BMBI with him. “I feel a coming disturbance in the Farce.”
“Come on Hardlicker, let’s get this space freighter moving. It doesn’t become the best fighter in the rebellion until later.” Clive said and him and Hardlicker went to the cockpit.
Epsilon and C3Pavshaus sit down at a small table with R2Boem2 hitting on the auxiliary life support systems.
“Hey good looking, want to kill all humans?” He beeped.
“Knock it off R2Boem2!” C3Pavshaus shouted. “that’s a different show!”
Just then the ship shuddered and Epsilon started to feel ill.
“Stupid motion sickness.” He muttered to himself.
“Hey space pilot, we haven’t taken off yet. That was just Xpire flushing.” C3Pavshaus pointed out.
“I wouldn’t go in there for a while if I were you.” Xpire said joining them at the table. This time the ship actually did take off into space. Back down on the floor of the hanger a group of Storm Troopers rushed in and looked upward.
“Fuck! Late again!” The leader said throwing his helmet to the ground.
“We could go and shoot Spoonman some more if it would make you feel better.” Another one offered.
“Ok. Let me get my helmet.”

Back aboard the Imperial Command Station, Darth Vakirauta has “questioned” his prisoner. Totally unaware that she is suppose to actually be his daughter. Must be his mastery of the Farce isn’t yet fully developed like it is in the prequels.
“Ah Princess Bex.” Lachdanan said greeting her with a shit eating grin. “I’m so glad you have decided to join us.”
“Go fuck yourself.” She replied and Darth Vakirauta had to stifle a laugh.
“Charming as ever.” Lachdanan retorted, but everyone in the command area gave the point to Bex. “Thought you might want change your mind about not ratting out the rebellion, or we could just blow up your home planet.” He snapped his fingers and the viewing port opened to show Alderon square in the middle of it.
“Do it. I dare you. Go on do it.” Bex prodded him.
“What?” Lachdanan asked. He was confused and looked to Darth Vakirauta, but he was busy staring down Bex’s shirt.
“What’s the matter Lachdanan? No balls?” She asked in a little girl’s voice. “Let a real woman show you how it’s done! Fire the fucking gun bitches!” She shouted and the gun crew jumped to their stations and triggered the weapon. Alderon exploded before them.
“Fuck ya! Let’s go blow up something else!” She shouted and high fived the gun crew.
“Well that didn’t go as expected.” Darth Vakirauta said to no one in particular.

Chapter 10

Aboard the Edition Xpire suddenly looked ill.
“What’s the matter you old son of a bitch? Did you feel a disturbance in the Farce like billions of people suddenly cried and were silenced?” Epsilon asked.
“Just gas.” He answered and let out a twelve second, four octave fart. “Anyway young Eppie. Its time for you to learn the ways of the Farce.”
“Old religions and folk tales are no match for a good blaster.” Clive said as he joined them.
“I choose to disagree.” Xpire argued, but Clive quickly shot him in the foot. “Mother fucker!” He screamed and hopped around the room while Epsilon ignored them all.
“You gonna eat that?” Hardlicker asked, pointing at Xpire laying on the ground swearing.
“Stow it Licky. They haven’t paid in full yet.” Howlitzer said and motioned for him to follow him back into the cockpit where the ship was flying itself at faster than light speed. No need for a pilot until they slowed to normal speed when a computer would be too slow to react.
“Ah R2Boem2, mind fixing the foot?” Xipre asked and R2Boem2 looked to C3Pavshaus, but he was busy picking at his grill where his mouth would have been.
“I’m at least twenty years old at this point and I’m still the most modern piece of equipment here.” He muttered to himself and zapped Xpire with an electrical bolt for the fun of it.
“Fuck fuck fuck!” Xpire shouted, but Epsilon had put his earplugs in and was playing with his laser flashlight.
“This thing is cool!” He shouted over the music. But just then the ship lurched under the impact of something large. “Fuck me!” Epsilon shouted again over the music no one else could hear.
“Putz” C3Pavshaus said to himself, but helped Xpire up and they all headed into the tiny cockpit for a group shot.
“What is it?” Xpire asked trying in vain to sound noble.
“We came out of light speed into an asteroid belt or something. How it didn’t kill us at light speed is a miracle!” Clive shouted even though it was quiet in the cockpit and everyone could have heard him if he spoke mormally.
“Where’s Alderon?” Epsilon asked.
“Its been destroyed.” Xipre said, again failing to come across wise and elderly.
“That’s impossible!” Clive shouted again and everyone slapped him to make him stop.
“Improbable, not impossible.” Hardlicker said, but nobody cared. Then out of nowhere they are shot at by a tie fighter that had no reason to shoot at them. In fact, it should have called them over the radio and ordered them to the Imperial Command Center, but instead, shot once and ran away.
“Nobody shoots at me and gets away with it!” Clive shouted and cringed waiting to be slapped again, but this time his shout was warranted.
“Hey, Howlitzer? If that tie fighter is running away from an old freighter like this one, don’t you think it may be a trap?” Epsilon asked drawing Xpire’s ire. He had wanted to ask that.
“Its heading for that small moon shaped space ship that has no visible engines to allow it to move across interstellar distances.” Hardlicker said, but Clive was to busy making pew pew noises to hear him.
“Run away! Run away!” R2Boem2 beeped, but only C3Pavshaus understood him and the joke.
“Hey that’s no moon, or MoonYu!” Clive whispered.
What?” everyone asked in unison.
“Never mind. Hardlicker, get us out of here.” He siad this time in a normal voice.
“Too late, we’re boned.” Hardlicker said and sat back.
“How about we all hide and then sneak onto a heavily armed battle station?” Xpire suggested.
“Sure, why not?” Epsilon replied and Clive and Hardlicker both shrugged. “What could possibly go wrong?”

Chapter 11

“Sir! The ship appears to be empty. The log reports several escape pods jettisoned shortly after take off and we would never noticed that while we were chasing this ship after it took off!” The minor officer said to Darth Vakirauta.
“Not to mention that is pursued a tie fighter and jammed its communication before getting in the range of our tracker beam. All dead giveaways of a human presence at the controls.” Vakirauta said to himself.
“You want me to have the ship destroyed?” the minor officer asked.
“No. That would be too simple. I feel the presence of something that is bothering me. Search the ship, but only guard it with two storm troopers.” Darth Vakirauta ordered and did a graceful turn with his beloved cape swishing just right.

Back aboard the Millennium edition, Ha…., Clive and the rest push aside the flooring that was hiding them.
“I’m sure glad that I am a smuggler and had these convenient plot devices to hide in.” He said.
“What the hell do you smuggle? Rancid Java shit?” Epsilon asked.
“Sorry, that was me.” Xpire replied and let out another blast that made Hardlicker passout. “I really need to stop eating ToxicRatt’s cooking.”
“What about getting out of here? There’s at least two guards and one Tie Fighter!” Epsilon cried, but mostly from the stench.
“We could sneak out of here.” Xpire offered.
“And then what you Old Son of Bitch?” Clive sneered. “We’re inside a giant military base with untold resources and while I may be able to blend in, Hardlicker sticks out like a lawyer in Heaven!”
“Let me worry about that. Now, I’ll sneak out of here and turn of the tractor beam’s power in a way that won’t set off any warning signs or alarms. You guys sneak up to a random office and hide there.” Xpire ordered.
“Why not just stay here until you depower the beam?” C3Pavshaus asked, but he was ignored.

“Trooper random number! Why aren’t you at your post?” Soon to be killed guy asked. “I never noticed the giant walking furby a few moments ago, explain yourself.”
“Just open the door dead guy.” The other soon to be killed guy commanded. He opened the door and there stood the giant walking furby, two robots and another guy pretending to be a storm trooper that no one on a giant fucking military base noticed.
“Well, I’m boned.” He said as Hardlicker punched him night in the ruts. (Obscure Aerosmith reference, YES!)
“Shit! I’m dead too!” The other soon to be killed guy shouted just before being killed.
“R2Boem2, dock with that computer and find out if I can still save fifteen percent on my car insurance!” Epsilon ordered.
“Hey did you know that the Princess Bex was aboard?” R2Boem2 beeped.
“Duh.” Replied C3Pavshaus. “Why else would we have left the relative safety of the ship and risk everything?”
“Fuck you C3Pavshaus. Fuck you and the wielder that assembled you!” R2Boem2 shot back.
“Lets go save her!” Epsilon said cheerfully.
“What about Xpire?” Hardlicker asked, but nobody cared enough to answer.
“Fine, let’s go. Anything beats not getting screen time here.” Clive bitched and moaned.

Meanwhile back at the ranch, Xpire was able to sneak past robots, patrols of storm troopers and a very nosy ARPGfan. His command of the Farce allowed for him to find the only place he could disable the power to the tractor beam without drawing notice to himself. But just then a patrol stopped to watch the doorway he didn’t need to go through as he would leave the opposite direction anyway.
“So what’s this all about? Another drill?” The first Storm trooper asked the second.
“Go fuck yourself.” The other one countered. “We’re about to look foolish and you want answers? Putz.” They settled into an uneasy silence. Xpire used the moment to slip away unseen yet again.

“This plan better work.” Clive warned.
“Or what? You gonna start something here?” Epsilon asked. He was already getting tired of Clive stealing every scene they were in together. But the elevator door opened just then and they got in.
“Hi there!” Said the elevator. “It will be my pleasure to take you to your floor!”
“Prison levels.” Epsilon said cheerfully. Clive and Hardlicker had to contain themselves and not shove Epsilon’s head through the elevator’s voice module. The elevator opened to the prison level and the guards looked on out of boredom.
“Hi.” One of them said and Clive shot him and Hardlicker opened fire with a large laser machine gun and the two of them shot everyone.
“Could have just said hi back ya know.” Epsilon said and walked pasted the smoking bodies and down the tunnel to the Princess’s cell. He pushed the door control. “Princess?”
The room looked empty and he took a step in. A white blur flashed and he got kicked right in the balls!
“I told you! No more Mr. nice guy!” Bex shouted and did a flip over Epsilon’s head and grabbed his head.
“We’re here to rescue you!” Epsilon managed to get out before she broke his neck.
“Oh. Let’s go then.” She smiled and walked out of the cell into a hail of laser fire. You call this a rescue?” She said taking cover.
“Blame him sweetheart.” He’s suppose to be the star of this story!” Clive shouted back.
“Well fuck this!” She yelled and took the blaster right away from Epsilon and blasted a hole in the floor. She threw the gun back and dove head first through the opening. “Later bitches!”
“What the fuck?” Epsilon screamed and jumped after her.
“Hey Clive, can I just surrender?” Hardlicker asked, but Clive poited his blaster at him. “Hardass.” He said under his breath and fell through too.
“I certainly hope none of the huge storm troop force on this massive military base thinks to jump in after us!” Clive shouted as he drove through the opening too.

“Lachdanan, my old teacher is here.” Darth Vakirauta said.
“Here? On this station?” Lachdanan asked.
“No, he’s floating outside the station.” Darth Vakirauta replied in a sarcastic voice. “He obviously came on that ship we captured with the tractor beam.”
“Oh the ship you left almost completely unguarded despite your having a feeling of unease since it arrived?” Lachdanan shot back, just as sarcastic.
“Well, don’t worry. I sent four guards this time since the other two were killed and the princess is now running around this monstrous military complex with several unknown persons, including a giant walking furby. It’s just a matter of time until they make it back to the ship.” Vakirauta answered and walked towards the door.
“You could just destroy their ship and trap them on this station.” Lachdanan said, but Darth Vakirauta waved a finger back and forth.
“No. I must face my teacher alone.” He proclaimed.
“What’s that have to do with trapping the rest of the group on the station?” Lachdanan asked, but Darth Vakirauta was already fondling his laser sword.
“Oh yeah baby, this is gonna be good.” He said to himself.

Chapter 12

Xpire walked cautiously. He could sense something. He paused for a moment to consider what it might be. What’s That smell? No. That was just the Lynard Skynard song playing while MoonYu wrote this part. The lighting? No. Darth Vakirauta standing in the middle of the hallway? No…, Wait! That was it!
“You shouldn’t have come you Old Son of a Bitch.” said Vakirauta.
“But that would have made for a really disjointed movie.” Xpire answered.
“Fine, I grant you that, but when I left I was but the student. Now I am the master.” Vakirauta said.
“Only a Master of Fine Arts Darth. Good luck finding a good job with that.” Xpire replied with a smirk.
“See! This is why I turned evil! You and the rest of them just mocking me! Well who has the last laugh now bitch.” Vakirauta whined, but his mask made it sound cool anyway.
“What about the prequel when you did it all for Natalie Portman?” Xpire asked, raising his laser sabre.
“Does seem kinda weak doesn’t it. Especially the end where I scream Noooo! And everything around me crushes.” Vakirauta said.
“I know. A great director would have allowed the scene work for the movie. You should have just lay there breathing normal, well normal for you, while everything around you crushed under your raging temper, but without any outward show of emotion. That would have been awesome.” Xpire expounded and swung his sabre at Darth Vakirauta.
“Hey!” Darth cried out blocking the blow, “I wasn’t ready yet! I was going to talk more about Portman!”
“She is hot. I’ll grant you that, but I don’t think she was even born when this film was made.” Xpire replied taking another swing, but not using any Farce powers.
“And that poor kid they cast to play a young me. Ugh! I don’t blame him for hating the movie.” Vakirauta said as he too fails to use any Farce powers.
“Just think what they could have done with him. Already angry and moody. Not some Disney kid, but a real child abused by the system and already going down the darkside due to his circumstances.” Xpire explained as they both fought in a classical sword fight that goes out the window in the other movies.
“Hey Old Son of a Bitch. Are you leading us to distract the extremely few guards we left watching the ship when the entire base knows its your only way out?” Vakirauta asked.
“If I said no, would you believe me?” Xpire asked back.
“Not even if you told me if I strike you down that you would become even more powerful.” Darth Vakirauta answered. Xpire looked mad.
“That was my line!” He said accusingly.
“Evil. Remember?” Vakirauta retorted and cut Xpire in half.

“No!” Shouted Epsilon regaining the lost attention of the very minor force left to guard against what was happening.
“Shoot the door Eppy!” Clive yelled and even though most of his shots missed man sized targets, he hit the tiny door controls in one shot and instead of jamming them open like they already were, the door slammed shut.
“Don’t fuck with Chuck!” Epsilon shouted, flipping off the dead troopers, but no one understood the reference. He bound aboard the ship grinning like a jackass as the Princess that just met him tries to comfort him over Xpire being killed.
“I’m sure that this blanket will help.” Bex said.
“A blanket? On a space ship that has environmental controls?” Epsilon sneered and Bex grabbed his nose and twisted it. “Ouch ouch ouch!” He screamed.
“Man the guns kid.” Clive said to Epsilon who knew exactly where to go and how to use a weapon system on a ship that he had only been on for a very short time.
“We’re coming up on the outer patrol ships that weren’t out when you first came out of hyperspace.” Bex said over the intercom.
“Are we going to do the mostly visual fight scene?” Hardlicker asked.
“No. MoonYu doesn’t feel like it.” C3Pavshaus answered and R2Boem2 beeped. “Fuck you too! You little fucking spark plug!” C2Pavshaus screamed and Bex had to separate them while Hardlicker drove.
“Let’s see what this POS can do!” He yelled and floored the petal. Not that it did anything. He then pushed the go faster button and off they went.

FIGHT SCENE!

“Well, that was mother fucking awesome shooting if I do say myself. They were all like pow pow! And I was like Rat-a-tat-tat and they went boom!” Clive gloated. “Oh the kid got two also, but they were not as impressive.”
“They let us get away dumbass.” Bex sneered and went and pouted in the corner.
“They let us kill them? Seems like a waste trained pilots.” Epsilon also pouted. He had hoped this story would focus on him more.
“Yeah, well if you think they left us get away to track us, why not just fly to a random planet. Change ships and fly away again?” Clive asked and Bex pouted more. She didn’t write this story!
“Sir, if I might say something?” C3Pavshaus tried, but he didn’t have any more lines until later.

Back aboard the Mobile (Remember it can do better than light speed despite not having any visible engines.) Massive Imperial Combat Command Center or Deathstar for short, Lachdanan was chewing on his fingernails.
“This better work Vaki.” He cautioned.
“How could it fail? Let them leave and hope that they fly right to the hidden rebel base. Simplicity itself. Unless they take several diversionary routes and ditch the ship before heading to the base. But that would make the movie too long.” Vakirauta said, but he too was trying to bite Lachdanan’s nails, but his air intake plate kept Lachdanan’s fingers safe. For now.

Chapter 13

“Well, that was mother fucking awesome shooting if I do say myself. They were all like pow pow! And I was like Rat-a-tat-tat and they went boom!” Clive gloated. “Oh the kid got two also, but they were not as impressive.”
“They let us get away dumbass.” Bex sneered and went and pouted in the corner.
“They let us kill them? Seems like a waste trained pilots.” Epsilon also pouted. He had hoped this story would focus on him more.
“Yeah, well if you think they left us get away to track us, why not just fly to a random planet. Change ships and fly away again?” Clive asked and Bex pouted more. She didn’t write this story!
“Sir, if I might say something?” C3Pavshaus tried, but he didn’t have any more lines until later.

Back aboard the Mobile (Remember it can do better than light speed despite not having any visible engines.) Massive Imperial Combat Command Center or Deathstar for short, Lachdanan was chewing on his fingernails.
“This better work Vaki.” He cautioned.
“How could it fail? Let them leave and hope that they fly right to the hidden rebel base. Simplicity itself. Unless they take several diversionary routes and ditch the ship before heading to the base. But that would make the movie too long.” Vakirauta said, but he too was trying to bite Lachdanan’s nails, but his air intake plate kept Lachdanan’s fingers safe. For now.

Chapter 14

The Millennium Edition came out of Hyperspace and headed straight to the secret rebel hideout, knowing they were being tracked and only hoped, that’s right! Hoped that R2Boem2 had enough information to attack the Mobil…Deathstar. A moon sized battlestation that they had all of a handful of small one man fighters to attack with. Great planning Bex.
Standing, trying to look busy was a single rebel that joined because he hated working and thought he could goof off all the time by pretending to point things at other things. He’s not part of this story, but it always bothered me even when I first saw it. I mean, they have all sorts of scanners and things like that, but the rebels have one guy standing in a box to check incoming ships? Maybe the Empire ain’t so bad after all.
And once there, they hooked R2Boem2 to a computer to go over the plans of the Deathstar. Like they couldn’t have done that on the Millennium Edition. I guess R2 is an Apple product. Assholes.
Cut here, cut there and some more. OK! Now we have the plans and Epsilon, despite having zero time in a fighter is immediately hired on as a pilot and is given access to their combat training meetings. Sure he knows one guy out of the entire universe that just happens also to be a rebel pilot. It’s not like the odds were amazingly astronomical or anything.
“We have found a weakness in the Empire’s plans that they would have never noticed themselves, even though they have access to much more powerful computers and annalists than we do. Sure they should have found it and a simple hood or even a screen door would make our attack useless, but they did know to put a whole bunch of anti-heavy ship weapons in the trench you have to fly down. But don’t worry. Your small fighters that barely fit down this trench will be too small for them to hit.”
“Seems like a stupid plan sir.” says one of the few pilots that will survive that attack. And will you look at the odds again. It’s Epsilon’s friend again! VictorDoom! (Editor’s note: If I used Vicky before this, oh well. I’m rereading all of it just to finish this story.)
“It’s not that stupid Vicky. I use to fly my totally non-combat shuttle type craft back home. Its the same thing.” Epsilon points out.
“Ah, no it’s not.” VictorDoom replies, “This is flying down a trench for several miles as we speed down it. Why don’t we just fly by until we are almost on top of it and shoot it then?”
“Your opinion as been noted.” The person giving the briefing said and rolled his eyes. “Everyone is a general.” he muttered to himself.
“the Deathstar has arrived on the farside of the planet. The Deathstar has arrived on the farside of the planet.” A robotic voice called out.
“We heard you the first time!” All the pilots said in unison.

Cut to Clive loading up crates of money. Quite a bit of money too by the looks. The Rebels must do pretty good for themselves.
“So that’s it. You’re taking the money and leaving.” Epsilon said. Secretly he was glad. Clive kept stealing his scenes.
“Smuggler remember? Criminal? Any of that ring a bell?” Clive answered stacking some more crates of money. “Could have just paid me in bills, but no! Fucking pennies!”
“Well take care of yourself Clive. I guess that’s what you’re best at.” Epsilon said in a dickish tone.
“Hey, nice guild trip there guy about to go up against a military battlestation with plenty of combat hardened troops and you just left your farm.” Clive replied and stopped for a moment. “Hey. If you die, I can be the star of the sequel!”
Epsilon stomps off in his spiffy orange uniform and pouts some more. He gets to his Xwing that he knows is his because of the training he got in between the meeting and his conversation with Clive.
“Hey new guy. You want this old piece of shit R2 unit?” An extra asks. Glad to have a line because it pays more.
“You know, I really should. I’ve only known this R2 unit for what? Three days? And so far, my Uncle and Aunt were killed, I been shot at, forced to watch Clive impress Bex with his dashing good looks and bad boy attitude, while I, the honest upright young hero will get nothing but shoved into a dead Yak, live in a festering jungle and still not get laid!” Epsilon screamed, but took two deep breaths and said fuck it. “He’ll do.”
“What a drama queen.” R2Boem2 beeped.

The Deathstar is rounding the planet. I would suggest the rest of you evacuating while the fighters cover your escape. The Empire still has a giant fleet of Star Destroyers and they must know where their newest, most expensive weapon is headed.” The Deathstar is ….”
“Shut up already!” C3Pavshaus yelled and pulled the plug on the only computer thinking clearly.
“Good job, queer looking and talking robot.” Said the senior official that should have been getting everyone on ships and getting the fuck out there. “What? You don’t think there’s bigotry in space?” He rolled his eyes.

Cut to the ships in space heading towards the Deathstar. Strangely, not one of them cuts and runs. But the sequence of the Xwings opening is still cool.

“Red team report in.” Red leader ordered.
“Red one standing by.”
“Red two standing by.”
“Red six standing by.”
“Red three going home because Epsilon cut in line!”
“Red four, yeah, what’s up with that shit?”
‘Pipe down and focus!” The leader yelled.

Back aboard the Deathstar.

“Why are we taking so long to get around the planet?” Lachdanan asked.
“We came out of hyperspace and we have to ordbit the planet to get into firing range.” a random officer told him.
“I know what we’re doing. I want to know why this huge space going ship doesn’t use its engines to fly around the planet and shoot. You know Bang! The movie is over.” Lachdanan asked, but everyone was pretending to be busy. “Posers.”
“Sir! Their fighters are too small! We can’t hit them!” Hostilesinbound.
“How did you get in this?” Lachdanan. Asked him.
“MoonYu decided to throw me a bone.” Hostilesinbound replied. “Some fucking bone. I get to be aboard the ship that explodes. ya.” He muttered to himself.
“Alright. We have a giant moon sized battlestation and they have thirty or so single seat fighters. Tell me again why I should be worried?” Lachdanan asked, but again everyone was avoiding him. He really should brush more often.

“Several fighters have broken off from the main group. Granted thirty fighters ain’t shit to the size of this base, but let’s go shoot them down. I’ll not use the Farce here either and like make the controls of the fighters suddenly swerve into the walls or something.” Darth Vakirauta told two really short clones.

Lot’s of visual stuff. The fighters go down the trench like planned and even at speeds of hundreds of miles per hour, they start way back to make sure they fly the longest possible distance down a tight canyon.

“General Lachdana! We did a quick study of their attacks and found a weakness that we totally would have over looked during construction planning and the shake down flights or the military wargames to help us train for situations just like this!” Hostilesinbound yodeled.
“And?” Lachdanan asked.

“Hey Epsilon! They keep defeating our attack! Take your group that you trained with and wait your turn. Don’t come down and save us or something.” Red leader called out.
“Not a problem boss.” Epsilon said and smiled. With Clive gone, they was nobody left to steal the scene. Except for Darth Vakirauta and R2Boem2. His smile vanished when he realized this.
“Epsilon. Start your attack. The last three failed, so yours should be fine.” Red leader said just before being killed.
“Ok, we’re going in and we’re going in full throttle!” Epsilon ordered
“Ah Red six? Why did we even attack anywhere else?” Red two asked.
“let’s go!” Epsilon yelled and the other two followed.
“I noticed there aren’t any black rebels.” Red two said as they took there turn down the canyon.
“What?” Epsilon cried out as he dodged laser blasts.
“Just thinking out loud.” Red two responded. “it’s a long flight down this canyon and I like to think while driving.”
“That kind of thinking is going to get you killed!” Red three called out, but darth Vakirauta shot him instead.
“Hey Epislon? I’m going to bail out and leave you to die.” Red two reported.
“Ok, thanks for all the support keeping the enemy fighters off our guys. Oh wait, none of the escort ships stopped in one tie fighter.” Epsilon bitched.
“I’m on the leader. The Farce is strong in this one. Either that or he never flew a Xwing before today and is swerving all of the fucking place.” Darth Vakirauta told his two wingmen that he totally didn’t need.
“R2, try and do something to remind you are there before getting blasted.” Epsilon asked.
“Go fuck yourse..!OW!” R2Boem2 screamed after getting shot.
“I’ve lost R2!” Epsilon cried over the intercom, by secretly was smiling. One less scene stealer!

“The Deathstar has cleared the planet.” A voice called out.
“You may fire when ready.” Lachdanan announced.
“You could have given that order ten minutes ago and we could have fired the very moment we cleared the planet, but no. You wanted to wait!” Hostilesinbound sneered.

“Right! Even though I got three tie fighters on my ass, I’m going to turn on the targeting computer that will make sure the fighter flies straight until I shoot!” Epsilon told the command central back on the rebel moon that was totally not even beginning to evacuate.
“Epsilon. Trust the Farce.” Xpire’s voice called out. But Epsilon, under the stress of the moment ignored him.
“Fucking trust the fucking Farce!” Xpire shouted and this time Epsilon responded.
“Base. I’m getting some kind of interference.” He reported.
“Listen to me you fucking idiot!” Xpire shouted.
“Oh Old Son of a Bitch!” Epsilon exclaimed. “Aren’t you dead?”
“This is my ghostly return as a more powerful being!” Xpire gloated.
“Yeah, well if you are even more powerful, why not just fight Vakirauta again and defeat him, or I don’t know, anything! More powerful. You’re a fucking ghost that doesn’t do shit ever again!” Epsilon wailed!
“Just fucking shoot all ready!” Xpire exclaimed.
“What about Clive coming back at the last moment?”
“That happened two minutes ago you moron!” Xpire said and vanished in an invisible huff.
“Oh shit!” Epsilon exclaimed and pulled the trigger and the two torpedoes got sucked right down the vent shaft that was blow shit out into space.

“Well, I guess I won’t be in anymore of this story.” Lachdanan said to himself as the Deathstar exploded.

Back on the rebel base that is still not leaving, because it’s not like the empire is going to come to find out what happened to their super weapon. R2Boem2 is completely rebuilt and even though they replaced his central processors, he’s still the same somehow.

There is a reward ceremony and a totally hot looking Bex, who is still upset at the little facetime she got in this story, places a medal on Epsilon and then Clive. Hardlicker burps and the entire audience applauds. Only Darth Vakirauta getting away hints at a sequel.

“I’ll get you next time Epsilon! And your little dog too!” Vakiruata snarled to himself.

Truly the End.