Practice/starter ex spouse stories

A few of us may be past our first marriages but the malady lingers on. We'd love to hear any fun stories from the past. Anything amusing and please, nothing depressing. Here's the first of mine:

So one night, the kids are sound asleep and the dog is, too, and I'm on my hands and knees washing the kitchen floor when he walks in from playing Bridge, sees me and asks what I'm doing.
Now, any sensible person would see the cleaner, the paper towels, the mop and just give a wild guess that I'm not in the midst of making Chocolate Mousse but I replied, "Washing the floor". It was a very big floor - over 300 sq. ft.

NOTE: We had the Armstrong linoleum installed earlier that year.

His words still remain with me: "I thought it was no wash".

I had to explain the difference between NO WASH and NO WAX.

There is always someone else who needs their floors cleaned.

"

Hardlicker wrote:

There is always someone else who needs their floors cleaned.

and twice as many who need their clocks cleaned