Return of the Mooned

As promised earlier, Here it is.

I didn't get any requests to remove names, so as always, I hope this doesn't offend anyone. It is all done in the name of fun for everyone.

And again it is done with the simplest spell checking. Where is instead of were, that kind of shit. And i hope I spelled everyone's name right this time. This time I broke it up into larger parts, so only five of them.


Enjoy.

Part one.

Spoiler
Why couldn't it have been a dark and stormy night? My mood was black and getting rained on while walking up the steps to this wreck called a house would have been fitting. Only it was a beautiful Fall day. The sun was shining, but not too brightly. The air was clear and crisp with just a hint of the winter to come hiding in it. The lawns were still green, trimmed and the trees were just starting to turn their colors. The house wasn't that bad either. Just another old house in a area full of them.
I sighed and knocked on the door. Nothing. I knocked again and this time I could movement from inside.
“Who is it!” They yelled.
“Moon!” I shouted back.
“Moon's not here man!” came the response and I started banging my head on the door frame. I really didn't need this. I had gotten back from Wraeclast and spent six weeks mostly sedated while my ribs healed. I also had a punctured lung and they took out my Gallbladder. I'm not sure why, but they did. But I had sworn an oath to retire and that brought me here. I knocked again, but nothing.
I could hear a car start and I went down the steps to look around the corner. I got there just in time to see the car plow through the back of the garage sending crap flying everywhere and take off one street over. I blinked and shook my head. I had only come answering an ad for bike for sale.
Oh well, I wasn't about to waste my time and just leave. I went back to the front door and tried to kick it in. It didn't budge, but now my foot was hurting! I hopped down the steps, cursing the entire way and went to the back door limping mightly. I wish I had done that first. It was wide open. I went on in and I could see down the hallway to the front door. It had a huge block of wood propped up against it to prevent it being kicked in and I stared at it for a minute. Who was that paranoid and still put an ad in a paper?
I went to the kitchen and opened the fridge. Sunny Fucking D. Perfumed fucking orange sugar water! Who buys this shit? I was getting angrier by the minute. I didn't need this shit! I had retired and now just wanted a bike to help me get in better shape! I didn't need another fucking mystery! And I certainly didn't want anything to do Wraeclast or GGG ever again! I just wasn't going to go home empty handed! This fucker owed me something!
I had turned over a new leaf and had even forgiven Vakirauta! Not till after I had Inexium blow up his brand new palace while he was in it (He wasn't even scratched, the bastard!) and then had Spoonman and Nightmare90 pay him a visit (That went much better.) But I felt we were even now. The Exalted Orb he had pinned all his plans on had not survived the bombing. And I had heard that Charan had replaced him with Scrotie McB to play poker with. So his life may be even worse than mine now. The only thing that could differently make it worse was if he got engaged or something. That made me smile. But it faded quickly. Fucking life. I looked around to see how it was going to fuck me over this time.
I went through all the drawers and cabinets, but nothing caught my eye. Nothing worth stealing anyway. I looked out the second story back window and I did see the remains of a bike outside, but it had been run over. “Figures.” I said to myself. I hobbled back down the stairs and was going to leave, but the phone rang. I sighed again and picked it up.
“Hi Alex.” I said.
“What? No what.” He sounded upset. But even that didn't make me feel any better.
“How was space?” I asked, ignoring his question. There was a silence on the other end. “Alex?”
“Mind not asking about that? It was,” He paused looking for the right word, “Difficult.” I let it slide.
“I going to go now Alex. Its a long walk home and the bike I was going to buy isn't worth the asking price.” I sighed again a thought about just hanging up. Daemon had been in on it with Vakirauta. Played me for a sucker. He must have known what I was thinking.
“If it makes you feel any better, I told him he didn't have to shoot you.” He said without any prompting.
“Thanks Alex, but that's neither here or there.” I looked at the front door again. The wood that was propped up against had caught my eye. Why did it look familiar?
“I know, but I really thought Bex would have killed you long before then.” He said. I had to laugh under my breath. I had thought so too!
“Can you hold a second Alex?” I asked and put the phone down. I went over to the wood and saw that it had some type kind of pattern carved in it. It was eerie, but I knew those carving from somewhere else! I shook my head. Too many concussions. I was starting to lose what was left of my mind! I went back to the phone and picked it up. “Ah Alex?”
“The carvings?” He asked and I slammed the phone down! I really didn't need this! I limped as quickly as I could out the back door. I made it to the driveway just when the car that had taken off before pulled in again! They saw me too and jumped on the gas and did it again! Except I was unable to leap out of the way because of my foot! I bounced off the hood and over the top of the car and landed with a thud. I lay there in a grievous amount of pain, thinking that I was pretty sure the driver had been Solwitch!
It was actually a nice neighborhood and someone called an ambulance for me, I continued lying there, in pain, but happy that I would not now have to walk home. That was until I saw the paramedics. I wanted to scream! Whale and Cronk threw me, not lifted, threw! My sorry ass in to the back of the ambulance and whoever was driving wasted no time and jumped on the gas throwing all us back into the just barely closed doors! I got the worst of it and ended up under the other two.
“Shut that fucking siren off!” Yelled Cronk working his way back to his feet. He helped Whale up and together they heaved my exceedingly sore ass onto the gurney.
“Welcome to your special Hell Moon.” said Epsilon.
“Plenty of room for more.” I replied and closed my eyes, but shouldn't have. Whoever was driving was very erratic to say the least and the motion was making me ill. Either that or I had another fucking concussion!
“Jesus Vakirauta! Give it a rest!” screamed Cronk. He start to climb over me to get to the cab. I reached up and grabbed his shirt and pulled his face close to mine.
“I am going to enjoy making all of your fucking lives a living hell!” I snarled and he smiled.
“Too late.” He said and finished climbing over the top of me. Whale was just holding on as the ambulance kept swerving.
“Don't look at me like that Moon!” He yelled over the sound of the fight going on in the cab. “None of this was my idea!” I let my head fall back down and stopped worrying that there might be an actual Hell. My life was now worse than anything the Devil could possibly throw at me! From the front I heard Vakirauta scream to leave him alone while he was driving and Cronk shout back that he would if Vakirauta knew how to drive!
Another sickening turn and this time the ambulance went up on two wheels and dumped me off the gurney! Whale got it worse because one of the cabinet doors unlatched and caught him right in the face. His body slumped to the floor.
“Keep it up and we will both be going to the hospital! I heard Cronk yell. “They will be taking my foot out of your ass!” That did it! The Ambulance came to a screeching halt and I hit the cab separator hard and Whale's unconscious body slammed into mine! It might have been easier to just let Solwitch run me over again!
The Doors burst open and Vakirauta and Cronk grabbed Whale first and dumped his body into the trunk of the waiting limousine. Then they came for me and I got a good kick into Vakirauta's face. He went down, but Cronk was too strong and pried me out of the back despite my holding onto the gurney for dear life!
“What the fuck you do that for?!” Screamed Vakirauta. He was holding his nose.
“I don't know asshole?” I yelled, “Maybe I don't like getting shot!” He stopped and looked at me. I swear I thought he was going to cry! Then I heard the crack. He had reset his broken nose and I would have been crying too! But I wasn't feeling to sorry for him! “And where did you learn to drive? Bumper fucking cars?!”
But I didn't get an answer. Cronk had muscled me into the back of the limousine and slammed the door shut. I kicked at the door, but wish I hadn't. My foot still hurt from before! Then he and Vakirauta jumped in the front and they sped off. It was much smoother ride now that Cronk was driving. We drove in silence for a few miles while I gathered my wits.
“I need medical attention.” I said sweetly holding my ribs.
“Here.” Said Vakirauta as he threw a bottle aspirin over the seat. I didn't bother to catch it.
“No. I said I need medical attention. I happen to know what broken ribs feel like for some reason.” I let the venom drip from those words.
“Oh stop your bitching. It wasn't like I killed you or something.” I didn't see his expression because I had reached for the aspirin.
“Will you two girls stop fighting already?” Asked Cronk.
“He started it.” I said and looked for something to drink. “No fucking way am I taking these without a drink!” I exclaimed.
“Look in the bar dummy.” Vakirauta said. I thought he might be snickering, but I really needed some relief. I found the panel and saw the decanters. I took the first one out and it was scotch. Put that back. The next one was gin! I toyed with smashing it over Vakirauta's head, but I didn't want to smell gin the rest of the way. Finally I saw a bottle of seltzer water and poured a measure into a glass and took a handful of aspirin and went to wash it down, but fucking Whale had woken up and panicked in the trunk. He had kicked the seat hard enough that I dropped the glass! I had a mouthful of dissolving aspirin in my mouth and nothing to drink! I elbowed the seat-back hard and heard a satisfying 'OW!' and then reached for the seltzer bottle and sprayed it right into my mouth!
“Let me out of here!” Screamed Whale.
“Fuck you!” I screamed back and suddenly felt woozy. I tried to focus on Vakirauta and Cronk's heads, but my eyes were swimming off on their own as I watched the pretty colors float by.
“Ah Moon?” Asked Vakirauta, “You didn't take more than two of those pills did you?” I didn't answer, but I smiled. The pain was gone and the butterflies were pink and green and yellow! “He took too many.” was the last thing I remembered hearing.

Part two

Spoiler
I opened my eyes and realized I wasn't dead yet. Oh well. One of these days I'll get lucky and give life the finger. My ribs were sore again and when I pulled my shirt up I could see I had been bandaged. My head nearly exploded with the rage I was feeling! When I get out of this place I better not be in Wrae-fucking-Clast! I had retired damn it! I was sick and tired of the beatings, the druggings and the always heading North!
I took several deep breaths and counted to ten between each one and when I felt the rage subside a little, I looked around. The place was clean, but somehow the place looked like it had been designed by a deranged escaped monkey on acid! The curtains were hideous and that was being nice! The paintings were harder to look at. A mix of Japanese Anime, Ansel Adams, and Salvador Dali all in the same painting! I groaned!
“Alex!” I yelled. 'What the fuck is wrong with you?!” I got no reply. I climbed off the sofa and looked back at it and wish I hadn't. The pattern may well have been a crime against humanity. I would have used it to torture prisoners. Make them talk by threatening to make them stare at it! I shuddered and went in search of Alex.
I saw only one door and it was locked. Normally I would have just kicked it in, but I was still hobbling from hurting my foot twice earlier and I think I may have broken another rib or two when I got hit by the car. I looked around to see what I could use as a battering ram, but nothing I could lift looked solid enough.
I went over to the computer desk and saw that there was a laptop under the clutter. I picked it up and swept the rest of the shit onto the floor. It helped break up the vomit inducing tile. I turned it on and waited for it to go through its start up. Finally a password box came up. But what was it?
I typed “IwishIwereColorBlind” into the password and nothing. “AlexDaemon1” Nope. Then a thought hit me. I cleared the field so it was empty and hit enter. It let me right in. Only Alex would use nothing as a password! I fired up the internet, but there wasn't any WiFi connection! I took a deep breath and held it. I counted to ten and let it out slowly. When I finished. I felt calmer and smiled. I picked up the laptop and threw it as hard as I could against the door and it left a small hole in the door.
I went over and looked through the hole and saw nothing. The other side was dark. I picked up the laptop and hit the door several more times until I had a big enough hole to reach the door handle on the other side. I opened the door and the light from the room lit the other room enough to let me see another door. I could see a light switch, but I didn't want to risk looking at this room! I went to the door and it was locked too, but the lock was on this side. I unlocked it and went to the stairs and out the front. Into downtown Tokyo!
Yes! I wasn't in Wraeclast! I couldn't help, but laugh. Until I realized I didn't have any money on me or my passport! I considered briefly heading back upstairs, but I don't think I could stomach any more of that monstrosity! I also would have liked to have on shoes. How had I not noticed that? I was standing there looking at my feet and wriggling the toes. It was strangely hypnotic. I shuddered! Must be a left over from the drugs!
Barefoot and broke I headed out. I had been in Tokyo several times and knew one place I really needed to go to. John Namikaze's bar was nearby and he owed me big time. I walked gingerly, but Tokyo, like most of Japan, was such a clean place that I didn't worry about stepping on glass or other trash. John's place was about a mile away and I took my sweet time getting there.
I looked up at his sign and smiled. Few knew the real meaning behind his Special stylized sushi sign. It was a disgusting joke that always made me smile. I entered the restaurant and nearly turned around and left! Fucking Cronk, Whale, Vakirauta and Daemon all sitting there laughing it up with John! This was too much! I had enough and let out a blood curdling scream at the top of my lungs! Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared at me. I was glaring at their table and the other patrons quickly realized I wasn't interested in them and ran for the other exits!
“ Before I gut each and everyone of you and serve you to the dinner rush! I want to know where the fuck my shoes are!” I yelled as loud as I could!
“You threw them out of the limo dumb-ass. Said something about feeding the Rhoa.” Said Cronk. And went back to his sushi.
“What?” I was dumbfounded.
“What? I was locked in that stupid truck in the dark having to listen you rave about how the butterflies were really painted grouse and you knew it because you could see their wires!” Cried Whale.
“Yeah Moon, you took way too many of those Zikamasets.” said Vakirauta. But he was smart enough not to turn his back to me.
“Zikamasets?” I growled, “What the fuck are those!” I took a step towards the table and Alex and Epsilon each looked at each other. I could see them wondering if they should run for it.
“Its a new experimental drug, I've got connections you know. You only take two at a time.” Vakirauta said like it was nothing special.
“And why did you have them in an aspirin bottle?” my voice had gone from loud to very quiet. That made Cronk turn back around.
“Because they still illegal. Duh.” He said and the rest shifted in their seats, ready to run or defend themselves. But Vakirauta just stayed calm and held out a beer. I snatched it out of his hand and debated if I wanted to drink it or smash it across he face. But I sighed heavily and sat down and took a swig.
“I hate all of you!” I said in a very resigned voice and Vakirauta raised his bottle.
“To hate!” Said Vakirauta and the rest echoed it in unison and joined him in raising their bottles. And I put my bottle in too. We clinked them and sat back and relaxed.
“I still need shoes.” I said.
“Fuck your shoes!” Said John. “I need paying customers!” He slammed a plate of his excellent sushi in front of me. “And do give me that shit about how I owe you big time bitch! I'm still upset about Munich!” He turned and went back into the kitchen swearing under his breath. I picked up my chop sticks and tried the tuna. I had to close my eyes it was so good.
“I needed that. Almost as much as I want to never see you assholes again.” I said. Alex had a hurt look in his face, Cronk was busy eating his food and Whale and Vakirauta were arguing over who was going to pay.
“Cut me Moon, cut me deep.” Alex said.
“Please don't take it personally. I just need to get out of this racket and retire for good.” I looked down at the label on my beer and started picking at it.
“You would kill yourself in a week.” Said Cronk around a mouthful of rice.
“But you did it.” I replied. I wondered if I would miss it.
“No I didn't.” He answered and washed down his food with a hit from his bottle. “Why do you think I'm here?”
“Wraeclast?” I asked and he shook his head.
“Never been there Moon. But it sounds like fun.” He turned to Vakirauta, but he was still arguing with Whale.
“Fun!” I raised my voice. “What's so fucking fun about being kicked, beaten, Shot!” I gave Vakirauta a dirty look and he stuck his tongue out. Fucking guy! “Drugged, Kidnapped, Beaten some more and finally left for dead!” I stuck out a one finger peace sign in his face and he laughed.
“Were you bored?” Alex asked and I turned on him too, but I had to stop. Was I bored? Hell yes! I didn't want to buy a fucking bike or get in shape. I wanted to wallow in the filth with the worst of them! I got to travel and meet women like Bunnu! Totally out of my league and probably sicken by my presence. But I still relished every minute of it!
“No, I wasn't.” I lied. “I need to go home now. You guys have a good time saving the world.” And with that I got up and left them sitting there.


Part 3

Spoiler
I left the restaurant and took a deep breath. I really did want to go with them, but I also knew I needed a long break from the action if I was to survive to fifty. I was walking barefoot down a street and went up to an empty store and tried the lock. It was open. I smiled. Of course it was open! I went in and headed back to the office. I sat down in the chair, put my feet up on the desk and noticed a small college style fridge. Inside was several bottles of water and an apple. I helped myself and smiled. Now all I had to do was find someway to get back to the States without a passport. My smile faded. I knew one person I could trust to get me a fake, but I really didn't like dealing with him. He was known only as Crackmonster. I don't know why, he never did any drugs that I knew of. I think it may be a play on his ability to get things through the cracks in any government's defenses.
I finished the apple and threw the core in the basket. “Swoosh!” I yelled to myself and laughed. I wasn't going to let life dictate to me any more! I whistled as I left the office. I had no idea where Crackmonster was currently, but never stopped me before. I strolled over to the nearest open store and asked to use their phone. I punched a bunch of random numbers and waited.
“What you want Moon?” It was Crackmonster. I never asked how he did it and I didn't care.
“I'm in Japan and I need a passport back to the States.” I answered. I smiled to the clerk and she smiled back. Cute girl. Looked vaguely familiar.
“Sorry Moon, but I don't think I can help you.” I stared down at the phone and back to the clerk. Something clicked.
“Who is she?” I asked and winked at her.
“Lyralei.” He said and I nodded.
“I'm screwed right?” I smiled again at the clerk. I remembered her now. She had a knack for making people disappear.
“Oh yeah. Anyway Moon, if you survive somehow, don't hesitate to get lost.” and he hung up. I sighed and handed the phone back to Lyralei.
“Any chance I can just come along peacefully.” I asked. She smiled a warm and wonderful smile.
“Sorry Moon, I have a specific request to deliver you a specific way.” Her voice was silky smooth and I tried again.
“Can I at least get to the departure point on my own?” I winked again and she laughed and pointed to the door.
“Alright Moon, out the door and head North.” That wiped the smile from my face, but at least I was still awake. That was until I grabbed the door handle and it sent a massive shock through my body and I fell to the ground twitching.
“Why?” I asked crying.
“Because I don't like you. Remember Havana?” She walked over to my now limp body and took out a needle. I wanted to ask what it was, but the shock had taken most of my ability to talk away. “Nightly night asshole.” and she stuck me. I closed me eyes and counted to on...,
Part four

Spoiler
Once again I could feel the pain of the drugs as their powers waned. I winced. The experimental formless techno music was competing for attention over the Japanese Kyoto drums. This just wasn't fair! I still couldn't feel my arms and legs, but I was sure I didn't want to! I lay there on the hard cold floor and something was bothering me. I figured out what it was. I could feel the music through the rest of my body too now that it started waking up.
I opened my eyes and wish I hadn't. I knew those god awful statues! I closed them again and screamed at the top of my lungs! BMBI must of heard me, because the music stopped. The drum were really in my head, but at least that cross of fingernails on the blackboard and a cat in heat had stopped! I wondered if I screamed again if I could get another positive reaction? But the headache overruled the other the parts of my brain and I opened my eyes again. BMBI was looking down at me.
“Hi Moon.” He said and I waved, but closed my eyes again.
“Why BMBI? I was trying to go home!” I pleaded. I felt something cold touch my hand and I opened my eyes again. It was a beer. I sat up and looked around. He really did have a man crush on himself. I sat up and took a sip from the beer. It was a lite beer of course, but at least it was cold and I had cotton mouth, so I wasn't going to complain. Not yet anyway.. BMBI had gone over to a rather nice couch and sat down. It was strange, but I swear he's taller sitting down. I continued to sit on the floor and drinking my beer.
He must have got tired of waiting. “Moon, why are you here?” He asked and I stopped my beer just in front of my mouth.
“What?” I asked. It was the clearest thought I could muster.
“You are here because I have foreseen it.” He answered his own question. The all to pleased with himself look on his face was annoying to say the least! “I have read the Tome of the Telling and knew you would return and try to take it from me.” I finished my beer and got to my feet. I rubbed my arm and noticed it hurt. A closer look and where Lyralei had stuck me with the needle was a giant bruise. But back to BMBI.
“A self fulfilling prophecy?” I asked and gave him an are you stupid look. I either didn't do it right or he was so far engrossed in his own world that he didn't notice.
“I sorry. What?” He asked coming back to Earth.
“I, you know what, forget it. It doesn't make a difference anyway.” I said and he nodded. I could see he really didn't understand, but I no longer cared.
“Moon, I have read the Telling and now know everything you are going to do. So I brought you here to cut you off before you can do it. The only thing I don't know about you is why you aren't wearing any shoes.” He sat back feeling very superior. I took a deep breath and then another.
“If the Telling tells you that I was coming to Wraeclast when I was actively trying not to, you then go ahead and kidnap me to make it happens. I think the book is controlling you, not the other way around.” I smiled to soften the blow, but I could see he didn't like it.
“You weren't coming here?” He asked and I nodded. “But what about the plane from Japan? It landed in Sarn! I have Solwitch tailing them now and they are heading this way!”
“Ah, BMBI, I had walked away from that flight. I really don't want to be here and in no way want anything to do with this book everyone is freaking out about.” I felt good now. I thought I had made a good case for letting me go, but BMBI was starting to breath rapidly and looking back and forth. Something was very wrong.
“Listen Moon, I hate to tell you this, but I kind of told someone that I had you and he wanted me to make sure you didn't go anywhere until he arrives. And I don't think he likes you.” He looked upset, but I didn't take it personally.
“BMBI, no one likes me. I'm use to it.” I said and got to my feet. I went over to where he was now sitting on the edge of the couch and sat down next to him. “So what is so fucking special about this book anyway?” He got very wide eyed.
“You really don't know?!” He said astonished. I shook my head no. “It's the Tome of the Telling. It contains everything! Past, present and even the future!” He hissed. I blinked and asked him to clarify. “Seriously, I got a hold of a copy and after reading it, I learned more about Wraeclast and everyone here than I ever thought I could know!”
“And?” I asked
“And what?” he replied.
“And...,” I put out there again. I saw he was clueless. “And what did it tell you.” I wanted to scream it!
“It told me that you are the most dangerous person to Wraeclast's future!” He yelled and jumped up from the couch and stared at me.
“How? I don't even want to be here and if you assholes would leave me alone, I would never step foot here again!” This time I did scream it.
“You don't understand! You are forever linked to Wraeclast! You can not escape you fate!” He was wringing his hands and looking around nervously.
“BMBI?” I asked and he looked at me. “I'm sorry.” I had enough and jumped up from the couch and hit him over the head with my empty beer bottle. It not only didn't break, he only dropped to his knee and screamed!
“OW!” He didn't fall unconscious as I had hoped!
“Really I am sorry BMBI! Please don't take this personally.” and hit him again. This time he dropped to the floor, but still not out!
“What the fuck is wrong with you!” He cried holding his head.
“Works on TV.” I said. I dropped the bottle and ran from the room. I almost got lost, but I saw the door to the outside past his statues of himself and made it outside to... To what? I was still in Wraeclast and had no way home and who was this new player? Someone was pulling my strings again and I hated it. I wish it was Vakirauta. I liked relaxing at home thinking up new ways to hurt Vakirauta!
“Think!” I yelled to myself. Which way?! I suddenly got a wonderful idea and ran South. They'll never find me if I go this way! I turned the corner and slammed right into Wittgenstien!
“Moon!” He yelled. I smiled and pushed him down and kept running. He was shouting something, but I refused to listen. I was getting out of here and nothing was going to stop me!
Nothing except Lachdanan running right at me with his gun drawn! I spun around and ran North again and pushed Wittgenstien down just as he was getting up. I think I learned a new swear word! He really did have a colorful vocabulary! I had to think fast. Which way? My foot still hurt and I was barefoot! I knew I couldn't out run them!
I run straight back to BMBI's Temple of Narcissism and threw the door open right into his face! This time I think he was out. I leaped over his slumping body and kept running. I was lost, but I hope the others would be too. I ran up a flight of stairs and burst through a door and leaned up against it. What now?
I grabbed the chair at the desk and jammed it under the door knob and opened the window and looked down. There was an awning below! I started to climb out the window, but then I saw it! There on the desk where the chair had been was the copy of the Tome of Telling! My inner voice was screaming to just let it go, but I ran over and grabbed just as they were trying to kick the door in!
I hesitated only for a brief moment and then in a leap of faith, went head first through the window! I did a great flip that of course no one saw and landed on my back square in the middle of the awning and bounced perfectly off of it and onto my feet. I was almost too amazed to run! I never have that kind of luck! Then again, maybe I had gone mad and only thought I did it right. As I ran West this time, I laughed and decided that going mad sounded better than real life!
But life always has the last laugh and I knew it wouldn't last. I stepped on a sharp rock. It didn't break the skin, but it didn't have too! I was hopping trying not to put any pressure on the extremely painful bruise on the bottom of my foot, swearing loudly the entire way! I made it to a small open air cafe and eased myself onto a chair and the owners little girl helped me by putting a cold cloth on it while I ordered the house specialty. It was something called the Bacoo Rooza.
While I waited for the meal I enjoyed a nice juice drink from a fruit I couldn't recognize. It was pleasant. Hints of a melon with a slightly bitter after taste similar to a citrus. I opened the Tome of the Telling and started to read. Beneath each passage was a translation. I was shocked at first! This Tome really did paint me as the worst fucking person in the world and the possible destroyer of Wraeclast. Only I noticed that the translated parts didn't match to the ancient parts consistently. I found the same word having seven different translations to make sure it read like I was asshole number one. It was a fake! Someone had forged the translation to get at me! But who? I hoped it was Vakirauta.
I was dreaming up new ways to hurt him when my food came. It was a BaconRulez special! I looked to the sky and thanked life for the very first time and bit into hog heaven! I was also pleased to see my pursuers run into my posse that had come to save Wraeclast. I continued eating while they started pushing and shoving each other. The locals were making themselves scarce, but I managed to get the little girl to refill my drink first. I tipped her and she smiled. At least one woman on this fucking planet was happy to see me even if I had to pay for it!
But the scene was getting nasty. None of them had spotted me and I really didn't care at the moment. My foot still hurt too much to run away and I was going to finish this burger! I may get shot, but I was going to die full and content damn it!
I didn't have to wait too long. Lachdanan and Wittgenstien had been joined by Hardlicker and Solwitch shouting and waving their guns in the faces of Cronk, Vakirauta, Whale and Alex. Alex was trying to play the peacekeeper and was failing horribly. I would have laughed out loud, but I had a mouth full of bliss and it was more important to me. BMBI had regained consciousness and joined the fray. I stuffed a pickle into my mouth and smiled. This was going to be epic!
Pavshaus pulled up a chair next to me and I begrudgingly cut a quarter of the burger off for him.
“Thanks Moon. I love this shit.” But he got down after realizing that he didn't have a drink. He went behind the bar and returned with a bucket full of beers and ice along with a bowl of some kind of nuts. “Who you got your money to fire first?” He asked.
“Inexium.” I said. I think I saw him peeking over that roof top.” I pointed to a small house across the street and sure enough he looked over the top of the rim again.
“I wonder who's paying him this time?” Pavshaus asked.
“The person behind this forgery.” I said and pushed the tome to him. He nodded and opened the book.
“Wow! You are some sort of asshole!” He laughed. I was going to make a sarcastic remark, but Inexium finally fired a round into the dirt between the rest and they all stopped for a second and then spooked like crazed hamsters and begin firing at each other while trying to take cover! I almost choked on the last bite of the burger and had to wash it down quickly! Pavshaus was giving me odds on Solwitch getting shot in the ass. I countered with Vakiruata breaking his nose again.
As they scattered every which way, Alex came running toward us without seeing us. He dove over a table and slid under our table.
“Hi Alex.” We said together in a girlish voice. He looked up and blushed.
“Hi guys, mind if I join you/” He asked and got to his feet and wiped the dust from his pants.
“Great dive.” Said Pavshaus.
“Yeah I give it a 8.” I joked and he looked pissed.
“Fuck you, it was at least a 9.” He sneered and opened a beer joining us at the table.
“How long till they run out of bullets this time?” I asked. Pavshaus gave me a dirty look, but Alex winced.
“I never carry a gun and till now never needed one.” Daemon said and we all did a shrug crouch as a bullet shattered a light behind us.
“Fuck guns.” I said. “Only make bad situations worse.” And we all ducked again. “Oh, here comes Cronk!” I yelled and we all stood and applauded as he jumped the bar and ducked behind it. He heard the clapping and looked over the top of the bar and laughed. He joined us at the table and grabbed a beer.
“Do I smell a BaconRulez Special?” He asked and I shook my head.
“Too late Cronk. It was wonderful!” Pavshaus laughed and Cronk pointed his gun in his face. Pavshaus stopped laughing and turned white.
“Click!” Cronk yelled and laughed. He threw the empty gun over his shoulder.
“Fucking Mother Fucker!” Screamed Pavshaus. “I almost shit myself. I intervened and whispered in his ear and he calmed down again.
“What?” asked Alex looking up from the Tome.
“Just reminded him that he did get part of the burger.” I said and Pavshaus stuck his tongue out at Cronk.

“I can get another gun.” Cronk said pointing to the fight now between Vakirauta and Whale on one side, Lachdanan and Wittgenstien on another and Solwitch and BMBI on the third. None of them could hit shit in toilet bowl! Whale run out of bullets and began looking around all frantic until he spotted us. We all raised a beer back in greeting. I was shocked when he stood straight up and threw is gun at Solwitch. It hit him in the chest and I think he thought he had been shot! We all howled with laughter and Whale walked calmly to us while Vakirauta screamed at him to get back there!
“Hi Epsilon.” We all said in the same little girl voices.
“Hi” He answered right back the same way. Cronk handed him a beer and went to refill the bucket. Pavshaus was busy eating the nuts and pointing out Lachdanan and Wittgenstein trying to outflank BMBI, but they ran out of bullets as they over run his position! BMBI freaked and began spraying lead everywhere. Lachdanan and Wittgenstein both ran with their arms waving like crazy towards us and we started doing the wave when they got under the canopy.
“Moon!” Seethed Wittgenstein. He was out of breath and had his hands on his legs trying to regain it enough to cuss me out more. Lachdanan thought better of it and helped Cronk get more drinks and food.
“Hi Wiggy.” I waved and we all laughed. He still stared at me, but finally got enough air to speak again.
“Please don't call me that.” He asked politely and I nodded. 'Now what are you doing back here?”
“I wish I knew. I tried to stay away.” I answered.
“He really did.” Added Alex. “You know this is a fake right?” He was pointing down to the book.
“Yeah, the translation is completely fake.” I said.
“The Telling is a fake?” Asked Wittgenstein? “I was told I had to protect Wraeclast from you because that book said you were going to try and destroy us!” He looked confused as did most of them.
“Ah, Moon?” It was Alex again. “The entire book is a fake and not even a good one.” He ripped the cover off and exposed the spine. It had staples and I could still see the sig marks!
“But who?” Pavshaus asked.
“What?” Lachdanan asked joining the party. Vakirauta was still shooting at Solwitch and BMBI and they were still firing back. Leave it to them to bring extra clips.
“Never mind that. Watch this.” It was Cronk. He had found a large piece of rubber and had made a kind of slingshot out of it. He loaded a empty bottle and launched it at BMBI. It shattered just above his head against the building he was taking cover behind.
We all laughed and waved when he finally noticed us. I thought I could see him wondering if he should shoot at us, but gave up and tapped Solwitch on the shoulder. Solwitch panicked and almost shot him. But he recovered too and BMBI pointed us out. Solwitch looked mad, but then smiled. He threw his gun down and the two of them walked over to join us.
Only Vakirauta was left and he had taken refuge behind a building to reload. He had missed Solwitch and BMBI quitting and kept firing at their former positions. Cronk started to load another bottle, but I stopped him.
“Let's see how long it takes.” I said putting a hand o the bottle. He got a wicked grin and let the rubber piece lessen. Then he an Lachdanan went back into the kitchen. We could smell something fresh on the grill. Meanwhile Vakiruata looked nervous. He was down to his last clip and decided to risk it all. He jumped his barrier and raced towards were Solwitch and BMBI had been, firing to keep their heads down. We were all laughing so hard. I had to keep wiping the tears from my eyes! He finally jumped their old positions and spun around several times trying to understand what had just happened!
As we were all laughing, BMBI caught my eye. 'Hey no hard feelings right?” I asked.
“No, I'm the one that should apologize.” Then he hit me square in the jaw! “I'm sorry that I hit you.” He said and while it hurt like a bitch. I nodded and extended my hand. We shook and turned back to Vakirauta, but he had finally figured it out and was moping his way over. We all clapped him on the back and laughed. He grabbed the beer Solwitch handed him, but it exploded when he opened it!
“Really? Fucking really?” He exclaimed and grabbed another. I thought Solwitch was going to die he was laughing so hard. Lachdanan broke it up by bringing out the first food. The king Prawns were grill wonderfully and we all dug in.


Part five

Spoiler
I was tired, but I bid my companions a good day and left them still swapping stories. Alex walked with me for a bit talking about the stupid book. I just wanted to lay down for awhile and sleep. Only he thought he had figured something out that was important.
“Alex, go back and have some fun. You are the only one still worried about the fucking Tome.” I said and he stopped to give me a dirty look.
“Try to fucking help and you just walk the fuck away.” He looked disgusted.
“Help me or my enemies?” I asked, but regretted it. He didn't deserve that. 'Sorry Alex, I'm tired and I get cranky when I'm tired.” He nodded and brightened.
“Here.” He handed me a piece of paper with an address on it. I looked at the address and nodded. It made sense finally. I shook his hand and he went back to the party. The locals had come out of hiding and a band had started playing. The lanterns were lit and the Moon was just creeping over the horizon. It was a full moon and bright orange. I smiled at it. I took at as a good omen and smiled. Time to end this.
I hitched a ride back to Sarn and made my way to Doom's old office building. It was empty now that GGG had shutdown his operation. Or was it. I could see lights inside. I walked up tot he door and the Doorman was waiting for me. I stopped and looked up at the building.
“Moon.” I said and he nodded.
“I know.” He was a good size person with a very fit build.
“I'm sorry, you are?” I asked.
“Boem.” He answered. I nodded and smiled at him.
“Why you take this job?” I asked. Mostly I was delaying my entrance.
“Money.” He answered and I nodded again. It wasn't the most thrilling conversation I ever had, but at least he was honest. “Going in?” He asked and I nodded.
“How's the boss?” I asked.
“Oh, he's great.” He said, but rolled his eyes. I had to stifle a smirk and he smiled. “Good luck.” and he opened the door. I smiled again and went inside. The elevator arrived, but there wasn't an attendant this time. I sighed and entered the elevator and it went down instead of up. I frowned at that, but what could I do?
The Doors opened to a large room filled with computer banks. I nodded and stepped out of the elevator. The doors closed behind me, but I resisted the urge to turn.
“I'm here, you don't have to hide.” I said.
“I'm not hiding Mr. Moon.” came the reply, “I'm in the bathroom.” I nodded again, mostly because I didn't know what to do with my hands at the moment. I walked over to one of the computer banks and wiped the top of it with my hand. Dust. I squinted at the lights blinking and the pattern was repeating itself. I went over to another bank and it was flashing the same pattern. I went around to the back of it and pried the back off. The insides were almost completely bare! It was a fake. They all were fakes!
“Sorry about that, but when nature calls..,” He held out his hand. I just stared at it. “I washed afterward Moon.” He snarled and I smiled. I still refused to shake his hand. “You probably want to know who I am.” He looked smug.
“Oh I know who you are Funkhauzer.” I said and he looked shocked.
“How did you know it was me? I made sure we never met!” He was turning white.
“Listen Funkhauzer, your new to this game. I think you might want to explain why you tried to set me up instead of wasting my time explaining how I know things.” It was another lie. Daemon had also written his name down next to the address, but he didn't need to know that. Better to keep him off guard.
“After you helped GGG remove my employer, I wanted to repay the favor!” His color was returning.
“So you worked for Doom, I heard GGG retired him and Pnuema to Aruba.” They actually had a sweet deal. Chris was too forgiving. I would have introduced them to Spoonman and Nightmare90 over the Arctic Circle myself.
“Yeah, they got a golden parachute! Only I was stuck here with just this stupid fake fucking computer lab Victor was going to use to scam the banks with! But with him gone, the banks went running and I got shit!” He was getting red faced.
“But BMBI had the copy of the Telling before Victor and I ever met.” I said. It was my turn to be confused.
“Yeah well, I was hoping to use you to overthrow Doom after he got the banks in line and then get rid of you to cover my tracks.” He color returned to normal.
“Why me?” I asked. It was the only thing I really cared about.
“No one else could have pulled it off. You were the only one that never liked being here. The rest of us find that disturbing to say the least and that made you the best candidate.” He looked pleased with himself and I had to agree. I was perfect for the part of the ogre.
“Listen Funkhauzer, how about you, me and Boem go get a drink.” I looked him straight in the eye. And he wilted. He hung his head done and got a funny look on his face.
“Where are you shoes?”
“I wish I knew. I really wish I knew, but you know what?” I asked and he looked up again. “Don't need them on the beach. Now let's go get that drink.” I said and we both smiled.
“Sorry about trying to get you killed.” I stopped and shook his hand.
“Why should you be any different?” And we laughed as we entered the elevator. As the doors closed I thought I might just enjoy it here.


Epilogue:

I was sitting on the same piece of large driftwood I sat on the first time I arrived arrived on Wraeclast. Off in the distance I could see Scrotie McB chasing a frighten looking couple that had just washed ashore after the storm. He wasn't actually trying to kill them, but was just having some fun at their expense. I was laughing under my breath.
“Moon.” It was Alex and Vakirauta. They joined me on the log.
“What up?” I asked.
“Bunnu is having a party tonight. Coming?” Daemon asked.
“Probably not.” I answered and they nodded.
“Yeah, she may be beautiful, but her parties are too tame.” Said Vakirauta. We sat for a little while longer watching the couple trying to escape Scrotie. Then I had a thought.
“Want to go shoot at BMBI and the rest?” I asked and they brightened. It was going to be another fun night!
Wow u just opened the five spolers and spammed CTRL+F-Inex


My name spawned 3 times.. I hope i will not be dissapointed :-(, as someone who want to his character somehow epic or closely related to the heroes, will i be disspointed ?
Anarchy/Onslaught T-Shirt Owner.
Trading Guide : http://www.pathofexile.com/forum/view-thread/519890
Killing Vaal merc with (600 life) : http://is.gd/qsgV9P [Open Beta]
Let's be Crazy: http://is.gd/TxxLsS / Old Suggestion: http://is.gd/Jd09W0
<< God blesses those who bless themselves >>
I can't have everyone have a major part!

Thinking of starting a new series based more on the game. It will still be stupid, but I am retiring the Moon as we know him and the rest of you too. (I am currently going back over the first story and cleaning it up and trying to fill in the holes. I think I can fit you in better.)

Here's a hint. More posts praising or blasting me get the poster more page time.


(Also going to the time of the game allows for more of your names. Some just didn't fit. Sorry.)

Edit: My new motto: If I write it, it will be stupid.
I totally read it first like this:
"
Lachdanan broke it up by bringing out the first blood. The kings paws were grilled wonderfully and we all dug in.


"
More posts praising or blasting me get the poster more page time.
Veto: Keep yourself the right to feature Guest-actors.
He continiued to silently mumble something about The Weaving and Forging communities together and smithing a poorly Rebellion while grabbing his sword and board and sneaked back into the night.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JcKqhDFhNHI
More page time! Not will not appear!

Dropping names is fun and I hope those I drop enjoy it too. I just get don't much feedback except for a few of you. Those will get more page time for I am very shallow and need to be reminded how great I am all the time! (Just kidding! About the reminding me that is.)

It's not the end. Not yet. And i kinda am a no guns guy. Mystical energies will do.
Also stay focused when you write in the middle you got a little splattered=(trying to say to many things at once), i also do that but another piece of...art :d. I liked that we stayed friends big heart on the guy :) I'm getting a crush on him :))
"May those who accept their fate be granted happiness.
May those who defy their fate be granted glory."

Edel
Sorry Bro, I'm not doing anymore on this line. I had a hard time finishing it. I really have been depressed by this forum's turn for the darker lately and when I reread what I had written, I didn't like it.

But last night, I felt better and pounded out over 5k words that made me smile. It may run on a little, but I was on a roll and went with it. (I had on jazz and I think I personally am able to focus better when its on.)

But now I am already thinking towards a different line. We had to drop one of our cars off for servicing and as I do almost none of the driving (not my choice. I'm whipped) I was able to sit back and relax after a fine meal at 5 Guys. I was figuring out who would get what roll and I was laughing to myself about who gets to be the Warden. Once I get on an idea, I prefer to stay with it.

Glad you liked the ending. I wanted it to be fun to read and fun to end.
"
Moonyu wrote:
Sorry Bro, I'm not doing anymore on this line. I had a hard time finishing it. I really have been depressed by this forum's turn for the darker lately and when I reread what I had written, I didn't like it.

But last night, I felt better and pounded out over 5k words that made me smile. It may run on a little, but I was on a roll and went with it. (I had on jazz and I think I personally am able to focus better when its on.)

But now I am already thinking towards a different line. We had to drop one of our cars off for servicing and as I do almost none of the driving (not my choice. I'm whipped) I was able to sit back and relax after a fine meal at 5 Guys. I was figuring out who would get what roll and I was laughing to myself about who gets to be the Warden. Once I get on an idea, I prefer to stay with it.

Glad you liked the ending. I wanted it to be fun to read and fun to end.


Then, on to the next one i guess. But i did like your vision of yourself as a gumshoe. I envisioned the whole thing as noir. :)
"May those who accept their fate be granted happiness.
May those who defy their fate be granted glory."

Edel

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