[Fan Fiction] Chayula Breach

Another tale, this time about the extremely difficult challenge to collect Chayula splinters. Hopefully your challenge is going better than Nilfer's.

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Dispatch: Ten-Baker-One, Ten-Baker-One. Report of four-one-five at 161 North 51st Street, Apartment 16C. Please respond.
Unit 10-B-1: Roger dispatch. Ten-Baker-One en route.

"Goddamnit," thought Officer Branson to himself; "Disturbing the Peace call at 2:30 in the morning. Well, there goes the coffee break."
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Earlier the previous day...

Global (1):
40#BigBully: You're such a noob Nilfer.

3#Nilfer: Guys, help me out please. How'd you finish the Chayula splinters challenge?

38#NeenerNeener: Duh! You attack Chayula in a Breach.

40#BigBully: Haha!

3#Nilfer: But Chayula never spawns! Come on guys, help me out!

38#NeenerNeener: Well, did you follow the ritual?

3#Nilfer: Ritual? What ritual?

40#BigBully: Noob!

3#Nilfer: What ritual?

38#NeenerNeener: Oh for Christsakes. The tabasco sauce, baking soda ritual, obviously.

40#BigBully: Yes. The way-past-midnight, naked gaming with loud music ritual. Haha.

38#NeenerNeener: That's the ritual, BigBully, LOL. Oh, and you need to shout "CHAY OOH LA" over and over else he won't spawn.

3#Nilfer: What? Wait. I'll screenshot this for reference. Thanks guys. Thanks a million.
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Nilfer isn't a particularly good Path of Exile player. In fact he's bad. Really bad. It's a miracle Nilfer somehow managed to complete three challenges. But one thing Nilfer has going for him is tenacity. Failure after failure does not deter Nilfer in the least.

And now, Nilfer knew how to spawn Chayula. None other than BigBully, Hardcore Ladder Rank 7, provided the secret. And so Nilfer began to prepare for the ritual.
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Belatedly Nilfer realized that he should have asked how much tabasco sauce and baking soda were required. Well, the more, the better, probably.

So Nilfer emptied a full bottle of tabasco sauce into a tall glass, filled it half way with water, and then added about 1/4th cup of baking soda. He stirred the concoction, stripped naked and logged onto Path of Exile.

"Oh, almost forgot the music," realized Nilfer. "Hmm, this should do."

He clicked on a Motley Crue mp3 and set his speakers to maximum volume. His apartment literally shook with the blaring noise.

It took four maps, but finally, Nilfer spawned a chaos breach! No time to waste! He downed the entire tabasco sauce-baking soda concoction in a single gulp.

Immediately his eyes began to water; it was hard to see the screen. He felt absolutely terrible.

Still, Nilfer shouted at the top of his lungs, "CHAY OOH LA... CHAY OOH LA...," over and over. Baking soda bubbled from his mouth each time he spoke.

Except that Nilfer's tongue began to swell and his lips started to turn numb. What began as "CHAY OOH LA" became slurred and jumbled sounding like "CHI'LL KOOH AH" and then "CI'LL KOOL YA."

But it worked! It worked! There, in front of him, was Chayula! Nilfer moused over for the attack!
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"SHOUT, SHOUT, SHOUT AT THE DEVIL!" blared from the speakers within Apartment 16C. The noise was deafening.

Officer Branson knocked loudly at the door of the apartment. "Open up! This is the police! Open up!"

No response.

So Branson crashed heavily into the door, using the full bulk of his 6'-3", 225 lb. frame. The door literally exploded inward.
======================
There, in the room, sat a maniac hunched over a computer screen. He wore no clothes and seemed to be gesturing crazily at something.

Branson was a good, church-going Christian, and thus, immediately recognized the scene in front of him, for what it obviously was: Devil Worship.

The madman was screaming something. White foam frothed from his mouth - a clear indication of lunacy, probably advanced rabies infection.

"CI'LL KOOL YA.... I'LL KOOL YUH..." shouted the madman. "I'LL KILL YOU!"

Fortunately, Branson was well prepared to deal with the situation presented to him. He simply took out his nightstick and struck the lunatic squarely on his head.

The madman fell unconscious onto his keyboard.

Out of curiosity, Branson looked at the screen. There, in front of him, some sort of winged, purple monster was beating on a human-looking form. Shortly, a dialog box appeared.

"You have died.
Resurrect in Town.
Resurrect at Checkpoint."

Branson shut the computer off.

wow

"

Beefeata wrote:

wow

:-)