A poem perhaps?

"

Boem wrote:

When i look into the light

alright lets do this. My break down. Looking into the light isnt descriptive enough. A look is just a look. This like could be much deeper if you were to say, gaze, or something. That way it makes you look like youre more connected with the subject.

When i look into your eyes,
i see you

Well. this line isnt quite working for me. Youre either saying, you see your own reflection in their eyes. or possibley, you, is you looking into a mirror.

An ocean of possibility's engulf my most inner thoughts, your past present and future entangle me.
Nothing appears on the surface, until suddenly a ripple emerges.

okay, so the mirror is now the reflecton on a smooth water surface. Therefore you are looking at yourself. Now the 2nd part isnt really working as the situation is too ambiguous. Id like to know what caused the ripple. Wind really feel like the only answer.


You stare back,
i see you

a connection to the start. I like the repetitive theme, its a technique that solidifies ides whne used properly. but yeah.. the looking at myself styled concept almost works for me. but iunno, you worded it in a way that isnt that exciting. Least stare is more emotive than look.

Photons connect, light becomes a reality, i push my boat into the river.
The rivers confuse me.
How dare you.

I do like the light concept. but the river confusing you, confuses me.

A violation of calm restlessness, my heart skips a beat, my throat urges me to speak.
I swallow my words, fearful.

not really liking the use of "my" twice. its like a double negitive sinve you set up that you were talking about yourself, and then you reiterate that youre talking about yourself.

I am lost, floating on a tether strung by the pendulum of time. But i know, fear is but a sign of impending comfort.

This is almost a solid line. I like the impeding comfort of fear concept. Teathered to temperal therotical concepts line, whuile being a littple played, just lacks creative vocab to say the same thing but more interestingly.


We stare at one another,
i see me

i feel like these are supposed to be the like storyline to push the story further. but they arent that exciting.

Which was lost has settled, the ripple has touched the shore.
You where waiting and i am grateful.

ripple concepts cool, but whos waiting for you is too ambiguous i reckon.



In your eyes, i drown and come home.


well. drowning in eyes is almost a good concept. Not too sure about the coming home bit. Can only assume that the relm of death is home.

When i look into the darkness

Beauty, they had told me, is in the eyes of the beholder

fair enough chiche statment. not against the line.


So i took them.

took what?

Consideration was used,
nobody likes blood on their hands.

wearing gloves. poems turning darer for no reason


A string of false pretense was spun, a black string. It had not been long.

okay you lost me a little. dont really know where youre going with this now.

Why did you lie? Why do they all lie?

i thought you were talking about yourself. We lie because the truth is harsh and most would rather remain ignorant in their fairy world, than to know the truth.

Foolish an untainted eye, no beauty was found.

first part doesnt really make sense. maybe missing a coma after foolish. and if we connect it to the start, youre saying youre ugly, i guess.


Peace,

Peace

-Boem-

MoistPuss

"

A boem poem?