Sibling Didn't Understand Money, Now Doesn't Understand That I Don't Have Any

Younger brother currently has lived at home all his life (21 atm) and has never had a job apart from dog sitting every couple of months that started only 3 years ago until this year. He plays video games too and 5 years ago was allowed to build a new "family" desktop for ~$1000 the same time I was given a laptop for college despite his high school grades being absolute shit (literally only graduated with a D average). Since then he put another $400 in new upgrades in it before getting a job and once our mother helped him find a part time temp job at a business that was closing put another ~$400 in it with his temp paycheck. I also found out recently there are about $1000 in games on his steam from over the years.

I finished college last fall and am extremely burnt out, trying to get my ass in a job that I will enjoy that is local to the city I am in now since my girlfriend of 4 years and I have grown to like the area a lot (other than nobody in this area understanding how 4-way stops work). My college/low end gaming laptop is on its last legs, phone's battery is failing and I pretty much get overly stressed out while trying to take responsibility with my life and have a hard time destressing when my laptop keeps getting worse and don't have the funds to do anything else for fun. Doesn't help when our mother has been extremely critical of my lack of a job so far from long distance.

Just about 20 minutes ago, my brother sends me a text about a discount coupon for a phone he had been telling our mother about since her's (same model and age as mine) died completely a few weeks ago and wanted to know if he should email the coupon to me if I wanted to order one. This comes literally 2 days after I was back at home for the weekend for a family reunion that our mother had a little "chat" about me cutting down on expenses again until I find a job that I know for a fact my brother was in full earshot to listen to the entire time.

I think knowing I was going to vent on here is the only reason my urge to strangle something isn't at an all time high. Last time I made a venting post I was aware enough to not blame my brother for our mother treating us differently, but this time he really is knowingly rubbing dirt in the wounds that I can't really forgive so easily.

Venting over. Going to go make some breakfast...
"It's all clearer now
And I hear her now
And I'm nearer to
The Salvation Code"
Last bumped on Aug 22, 2016, 11:48:13 AM
Your mother obviously treats you as the one who's more able to take care of himself. She has higher expectations from you. I can assure you she's more than aware of your younger brother's issues and it probably pains her a lot. Your brother sounds a bit clueless.

Why would this make you so angry?
The Wheel of Nerfs turns, and builds come and pass, leaving memories that become legend. Legend fades to myth, and even myth is long forgotten when the build that gave it birth comes again.
Last edited by Bars on Aug 22, 2016, 9:25:04 AM
#firstworldproblems
"
Bars wrote:
Your mother obviously treats you as the one who's more able to take care of himself. She has higher expectations from you. I can assure you she's more than aware of your younger brother's issues and it probably pains her a lot. Your brother sounds a bit clueless.

Why would this make you so angry?


Probably because 2 decades of this gets a little old. Different scenarios as we aged but the same outcome. My brother usually rubbed this unintentional favoritism in my face (usually without knowing it). Having to rely on our mother for financial security right now doesn't couple well with a constant message of "you're not living up to your potential and you need to become financially independent asap." Doesn't couple well my brother treating our mother like shit during his puberty years, getting away with it and doesn't really get told to make something of himself at all.

Was brought up before in my previous thread about this stuff, I now have a straight A, Bachelor's Degree with Honors, second degree black belt in Tae-Kwan-Do, and generally do well at anything I put my effort into. However, as good intentioned as our mother is to having better expectations of me, I couldn't really help but develop a crippling sense of inadequacy in anything I do outside of video games over the years that I didn't really let myself be aware of until a year ago. I'm working through it but it isn't fun in the slightest until I get over it completely. Hard to get myself out there and sell myself to somebody to get a career started when I don't feel like I am worth anything.

More specifically, I posted this thread because of my brother's actions versus my mother's. As I said, he was fully aware of the conversation our mother and I just had days ago about me not having any money, but "here's a coupon for a phone by the way if you wanted to order a new one."
"It's all clearer now
And I hear her now
And I'm nearer to
The Salvation Code"
Last edited by PleiadesBlackstar on Aug 22, 2016, 10:00:34 AM
Mothers don't work that way. It's not favoritism. She loves you both no matter what and does what she thinks is best for you. That's why your brother treated her badly and she still coddles him. She realizes he's incapable of dealing with life on his own, so she puts up with his shit and still does her best for him - according to her definition. She knows you're the capable one of the two, so she has different expectations. It may be misguided if it backfires into making you feel pressured, but it's never ill intentioned.

Speaking entirely from personal experience there. My parents have always had quite high standards for me (I actually posted about it here), while my brother, who is 12 years younger, is currently a drug addict and I can't even begin to describe all the shit he has inflicted on my parents and my parents have put up with. I'll only say I wouldn't wish it to my worst enemy, if I had one.

Your mother's treatment of you is a sign of respect and appreciation for your qualities. Your intense self-criticism is typical of overachievers and intelligent people (Dunning - Kruger Effect) and would probably be there regardless of your parents. Blaming your mother or brother for it is unfair. Also, if YOU are feeling inadequate, imagine what it is for your younger brother who has always lived in your shadow.

The Wheel of Nerfs turns, and builds come and pass, leaving memories that become legend. Legend fades to myth, and even myth is long forgotten when the build that gave it birth comes again.
Last edited by Bars on Aug 22, 2016, 10:30:51 AM
"
Bars wrote:
Mothers don't work that way. It's not favoritism. She loves you both no matter what and does what she thinks is best for you. That's why your brother treated her badly and she still coddles him. She realizes he's incapable of dealing with life on his own, so she puts up with his shit and still does her best for him - according to her definition. She knows you're the capable one of the two, so she has different expectations. It may be misguided if it backfires into making you feel pressured, but it's never ill intentioned.

Speaking entirely from personal experience there. My parents have always had quite high standards for me (I actually posted about it here), while my brother, who is 12 years younger, is currently a drug addict and I can't even begin to describe all the shit he has inflicted on my parents and my parents have put up with. I'll only say I wouldn't wish it to my worst enemy, if I had one.

Your mother's treatment of you is a sign of respect and appreciation for your qualities. Your intense self-criticism is typical of overachievers and intelligent people (Dunning - Kruger Effect) and would probably be there regardless of your parents. Blaming your mother or brother for it is unfair. Also, if YOU are feeling inadequate, imagine what it is for your younger brother who has always lived in your shadow.



To be clear, I haven't particularly blamed anyone. I know I choose bad wording that makes it sound too emotion driven. I understand what my mom is trying to do and also am aware of how I have become a self-criticizer. I was/am just extremely upset this morning over my brother's particular actions and needed to vent. I didn't even need anybody to read this at all, it just feels better to post it online.

Although my smoke detector going off in the wee hours of the morning because the reserve battery running low making me have to run into town for a battery when I realized I never replenished my backups certainly didn't help in making me upset over it.

Like I said in the past thread, I'm working on it and getting over myself and my whole situation. I may not have a job but I am making progress, which is more I can say for myself months ago during my last thread. Once I have a stable income and can finally build a respectable gaming setup and am happy with my career I am sure I won't give a shit about any of this, it is just the getting there part that is the problem.
"It's all clearer now
And I hear her now
And I'm nearer to
The Salvation Code"
Besides, mothers have a soft spot for problem children in general. Dunno why, but it seems that the fuller her hands are with you the more she loves you, I suppose it's the effort, a mother will invest herself more in trying to correct her offspring that strayed than the one that may find his way on his own. Actually, that's the reason she finds small things to nitpick about with you, she's desperate to say something, anything, so she will harp all evening that your tie doesn't match the suit.

It's very similar to my father and his brother. My father grew up as a fairly decent kid for local standards, did well in school, played sports, got married early and had a family, but my uncle was probably the meanest little hellraiser the area ever saw. Went away from home as soon as he finished highschool and did the army service to wander around middle east for the next 10 years to work as a mechanic on oil rigs. He miraculously managed to earn quite a bit of cash, bought himself a place to live but continued with drinking and wenching, almost never called or wrote while he was away either. But still, my grandmother still loves him to distraction, my father visits often, takes care of the house and her needs but it still feels like she would gladly trade him away for one call from my uncle. And last time she waited five years for us to finally force him to do it, doesn't even want to hear about her.
Wish the armchair developers would go back to developing armchairs.

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Last edited by raics on Aug 22, 2016, 10:53:46 AM
@pleiades: A guy fell ill and got fired from work, his wife turned out to be with him only for the money so she promptly divorced him and took away his house, his money and his children. He quickly went from rich and successfull to sick, homeless and despairing. Being at a complete loss, the guy went to a distant mountain where a wise man lived in a hut.

Having reached the wise man, the guy told him all about his problems and asked for advice. The wise man smiled kindly and said, 'Don't worry - it will pass.'

These simple words lent him unexpected strength and courage. He went back, got himself together and rebuilt a new and even better life than his old one. One day, he decided to go and thank the wise man. He went to the mountain and told him everything - how his life was great again and he was happy. 'Thank you from the bottom of my heart', he said. The wise man smiled kindly and said, 'Don't worry - it will pass.'


@raics: She knows everything's fine with your father, so she's content. She feels there's something missing from the uncle, so she fights to straighten it out even if it's impossible. The last thing a mother will do is accept reality if it's unpleasant and it relates to her child. It's also an expression of our tendency to stop showing our appreciation for things we take for granted. It's a basic human failing.
The Wheel of Nerfs turns, and builds come and pass, leaving memories that become legend. Legend fades to myth, and even myth is long forgotten when the build that gave it birth comes again.
Last edited by Bars on Aug 22, 2016, 11:01:51 AM
"
raics wrote:
Besides, mothers have a soft spot for problem children in general. Dunno why, but it seems that the fuller her hands are with you the more she loves you, I suppose it's the effort, a mother will invest herself more in trying to correct her offspring that strayed than the one that may find his way on his own. Actually, that's the reason she finds small things to nitpick about with you, she's desperate to say something, anything, so she will harp all evening that your tie doesn't match the suit.

It's very similar to my father and his brother. My father grew up as a fairly decent kid for local standards, did well in school, played sports, got married early and had a family, but my uncle was probably the meanest little hellraiser the area ever saw. Went away from home as soon as he finished highschool and did the army service to wander around middle east for the next 10 years to work as a mechanic on oil rigs. He miraculously managed to earn quite a bit of cash, bought himself a place to live but continued with drinking and wenching, almost never called or wrote while he was away either. But still, my grandmother still loves him to distraction, my father visits often, takes care of the house and her needs but it still feels like she would gladly trade him away for one call from my uncle. And last time she waited five years for us to finally force him to do it, doesn't even want to hear about her.


Last time I had made this thread, there was a brief discussion about the prodigal son parable. It still isn't fun understanding that it is all with the best intentions to show love to your children and to be on the perceivable shit end of the stick when there really isn't one.

Girlfriend also had me start watching Everybody Loves Raymond recently since I never watched it besides clips from flipping channels when I was younger, and sympathizing with Robert doesn't help in the slightest. >.<
"It's all clearer now
And I hear her now
And I'm nearer to
The Salvation Code"
"

Girlfriend also had me start watching Everybody Loves Raymond recently since I never watched it besides clips from flipping channels when I was younger, and sympathizing with Robert doesn't help in the slightest. >.<


I remember watching this show as well, the resemblance here is uncanny haha.

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