Rehash

Chapter 1

I was not feeling well. I had never been to sea before and the motion on a calm day was bad enough, but there was a storm raging. I had been taken as a slave. Drugged during a drinking game at a pub and sold while I was still unconscious. I looked down at the flimsy maniacal on my ankle and almost laughed. Cheap piece of Made in Mordor crap! I could easily break it and be free. Free to be still at sea with a ship full of armed men. I was going to lay back down, but the cell door opened and a man entered.
“What?” I asked. He took in a deep breath.
“Hi, I'm Solwitch and I will be your waiter today.” He said and handed me a menu. I opened it, but the seawater had washed away most of what had been printed there.
“What are today's specials?” I demanded. He took the menu back, sighed and rolled his eyes in disgust.
“Today we have a choice of Rat Stew, Grilled Rat, or Orecchiette with Ricotta covered in a Chard Pan Sauce with Rat.” He said and I nodded.
“The Grilled Rat is fresh?” I hated old Rat!
“I just killed it myself.” He was a little too surly for my tastes, but I was hungry.
“Alright, I'll take the Grilled Rat with a garden salad and a glass of wine.” He nodded.
“Excellent choice sir. I be right back with your salad.” I thought I heard him say something under his breath, but I missed it.
I looked around to my cellmates and none of them stood out at all except for the holy man chained to the wall upside down. I smiled at him and he winked. He too seemed to be too out of place here and while I felt slightly ill, he was signing to himself and keeping time with his feet wagging in the air above him. I saw the waiter returning and I sat down at my table. He set down the salad with the house dressing. I had forgotten to ask for it on the side! I then grabbed the wine glass and sniffed.
“Really!” I yelled. “Chardonnay with Rat? I demand Merlot!” I was furious. The waiter took another deep breath and answered in his surly voice.
“We only have Chardonnay today sir.” He gave me a look that would have broken a lesser man, but I stood my ground. “But I will let the Captain know that you are displeased.” And with that he stuck his nose in the air and left the cage.
I picked at the salad, but it was mostly iceberg lettuce and the house dressing was oil and bilge water. Not my favorite. I picked up my wine, but I set it back down. White wine with rat? Would the insults never stop? I was pouting and thinking dark thoughts, but something was nagging at me. I could hear a sound slowly building over the sounds of the storm. My cellmates were hearing it to and beginning to fumble around. Only the holy man seemed immune.
“What is it?” I asked him and he squinted for a moment trying to hear better.
“Oh that!” He said. “That's Siren's song.” He squinted again. “Come And Get It by Selena Gomez I think.”
Ah! Now I recognized it! Personally I hate that pop crap, but it was driving the rest crazy! I could hear the guards and sailors screaming at each other. The Guards wanted to hear “Just give me a reason”, by Pink and the Sailors preferred to be driven into the shoals to “Stay” by Rihanna. Either way and it was going to suck! I felt the keel grind against the first shoal and I reached down and snapped the maniacal around my ankle. I looked at it for a moment and closed it again. Maybe a bracelet for the ankle could catch on one day. Oh well, time to escape.
The next grounding sent most of us flying into the bars and I barely escaped serious injury by being slammed on top of a mostly naked man pile! I pulled myself away and looked to the holy man. I generally don't believe in helping others, but I thought why not? I worked my way over to him and he was still just singing to himself, completely nonplussed!
“Need any help?” I asked and he stopped singing and looked up at me.
“No, I'm fine.” He said and I saw him flex his muscles and the chains gave way! Only he was still upside down and landed on his head. “Ow!” He cried and I helped him up.
“MoonYu.” I said introducing myself and he nodded while rubbing his head.
“Charan.” He replied and the ship grounded hard again! This time the keel snapped and the entire front of the ship disappeared into the malstrom taking the doors to the cells with it. Before us was a view of the storm raging and the surf sending foam rushing at us. Slowly we made it to the edge and looked down.
“Jump!” He yelled over the sound of the waves and rain.
“I can't swim.” I shouted back
“It's never too late to learn!” And the bastard shoved me in the back. I thrashed my arms and legs wildly as the water came up to greet me!

Chapter 2

I awoke after the storm on the shore of some strange land. I tried to gather my wits, but I think they might have been lost at sea when Charan knocked my sorry ass in the wash. I shouldn't complain. I couldn't swim, but it didn't matter. The water was only a foot deep when he pushed me. Sure, I nearly broke my neck and then almost drowned in inches of water that I could have just walked out of otherwise, but I tried to look on the bright side. Nope, nothing. I tried again and gave up. Bright side be damned!
I stood there staring at the sea and the small pieces of the ship floating around. I was extremely upset. I never got my grilled rat! Oh, well. Water under the bridge or some other stupid phrase. I looked around. Nice place except for the dead bodies rotting in the morning sun. Well, this wasn't getting me any closer to food.
I had to figure out which way to go. There was a path heading North, away from the beach and it looked well worn. I shrugged and started off. I got to the rise were the grass had a hold and I swore I could smell something cooking! I followed my nose and hurried around a bend. The path continued North, but there were fresh footprints heading West in the direction of the smell. I hesitated, follow the path or follow the food? Food wins every time!
I broke into a trot and the smell was getting stronger. I love the smell of meat roasting over hot coals! I crested another dune and there I saw them. There were two of them and they were both sitting back while one of them slowly turned the spit with his foot and a rope. The spit had a very large animal on it. I yelled and waved. They looked in my direction, but then went back to ignoring me!
“Hey!” I yelled, “Room for one more?” I smiled, but they failed to acknowledge my inquiry. They seemed to only care about the food. I thought for a minute and had to agree. I didn't care if I had to kill them. I wanted the food more than polite conversation too. I walked the rest of the way into what would barely qualify as a camp. A few boxes and a pile of drift wood for the fire.
Now that I got close enough, I recognized the animal! It was one of the sailors! I turned to the men to berate them, but I stopped when I noticed that they were the Undead! I got in a defensive crouch, but damn, it smelled good!
“Oh don't get your loin cloth in a bunch.” One of them said. The other kept rotating the spit to keep the body from burning.
“What?” I was still crouching, but feeling more dumb by the second.
“Yeah really.” Said the other one. “We've got plenty to go around.”
“Then why didn't did you answer me just now?” I asked and remembered to get out of my crouch and stand up. I looked behind me, but there was nothing there.
“Because we were having a discussion about the finer points of a representative government verses a constitutional monarchy.” He answered.
“And that gives you the right to ignore someone?” I replied. I have a hard time with these intellectual types, living or dead.
“We'll excuse us mister still alive.” Sneered the other. “Pavshaus was making an argument for being able to elect an representative in government to make laws for the greater good, I believe a constitution monarchy has a more fluid capability to address needs of the nation as they arise.”
“I understand what you are saying Inexium, but monarchies are by birthright and that is no way to insure that the next in line for the throne would be a capable leader. They could be a sniveling moron more interested in self glorification.” Pavshaus replied as a retort..
“As opposed to a charismatic con man that deceives you and your district to weasel into the government to effect change beneficial to him alone?” I had to nod. Inexium's argument made sense to me and.., What the fuck was I thinking?! Food!
“Listen guys, mind if I grab a bite to go?” I don't think I could take much more of this.
“At least I would be able to either run against or vote against a con man once exposed by his ploy!” Said Pavshaus totally ignoring me. “Your form of government is totally by being born to an office. No test for competency!” I started pulling off some leg meat. No bad, but it really needed some garlic. Must of not been an Italian.
“A King can be displaced by the House of Lords if he is found to be a tyrant!” Said Inexium in a rising voice. I took a little off of the arm and looked around for something to drink. Nothing. It didn't help that they were now getting to their feet to get in each others face. I grabbed a couple of fingers and used one of them to get a piece of gristle out of my teeth. When I finished, I left them there rolling around the camp punching at each other screaming something about about taxation without representation verses a socialized medical plan. Stupid Undead.

Chapter 3

I got back to the path and headed North again. I kind of liked it. I wasn't use to such open spaces and clear skies. In the distance were mountains, or it might have been clouds from this far away. I looked around some more and saw what I thought was smoke coming from ahead. More camp fires or maybe a town! I hurried my pace and soon I could see the walls of a small town or something. Good! I really needed a drink. Whoever it was that I ate, he was salty.
I reached the gates, but they were locked. I pushed against them again, but then I heard someone above me.
“Sorry Mate. Gate's locked for a reason. I looked up to see a man in the watch tower. I had thought it was empty, but I had been wrong.
“Why? You afraid of me?” I asked as sweetly as I could.
“Not you Mate, him.” He was pointing behind me. I followed his finger and there behind me on rise looking down was the biggest meanest looking bandit I had ever seen. I yawned.
“And if I kill him?” I asked.
“Then I can let you in, but don't hold your breath.” He said and disappeared from sight. I sighed and turned to face this huge man. I wasn't intimidated. I was just as big and while I rarely go for violence, I wasn't opposed to it either. I took my time to show I wasn't afraid and walked up to him. He was a mass of seething rage. All red eyed and ready to fight!
“I will kill you!” He screamed and swung his sword at my head. As angry and large as he was, he sucked at fighting. His first swing missed my head by a good two feet or more. I noticed that he was having some trouble focusing. He swung again and nearly cut himself! I couldn't help but start laughing. He heard me and his shoulder's slumped and the sword dropped down by his side.
“You having some problems?” I asked after I stopped laughing and he nodded. “Want to talk about it big guy.” I started to step forward, but he swung the sword again! It missed by less than a foot this time!
“That's it!” He screamed and threw the sword down in disgust.
“Damn man, I think you need to rethink your career choice.” I said trying to help.
“It's not that!” He exclaimed. “It's that witch! She cursed me and cursed me hard!” He fell down on his ass and punched the ground next to him. “I used to strike fear into everyone, now its a big joke and I'm the punchline!” He struck the ground again.
“What witch?” I asked and he looked up at me with a confused look.
“You're not from a round here are you?” He asked and I shook my head. He held out his hand and I helped him up. “Name's Scrotie McB.”
“MoonYu.” I answered and he nodded.
“Never heard of you.” I smiled at that.
“So what witch?” I asked again.
“Bunnu.” He said and spat at the ground. “She has a temper like none I've seen before. I mean, all I said was yes that her dress made her butt look a little big and bam! First she cursed me to go cross eyed whenever I try to do my job and kill someone and then she cursed me again to never enjoy death.”
“Never die? What's so wrong with that?” I asked. I would have thought that was a great goal!
“Not never die, but not to enjoy death. I can die alright, but then I got to be the worst undead ever! At least for a couple of centuries until the curse wears off.” He said and I felt really bad for him.
“You want to try and kill me again?” I asked nicely.
“No thanks man. I appreciate the offer, but I'd just screw up again.” He started walking off with his head hung low. I felt a wave of pity and then I saw his sword on the ground. I picked it up and yelled to him.
“Hey! You forgot your sword” And tossed it to him. I winced when the sword stuck him right in the chest.
“Oh thanks for the help moron!” He screamed and fell over backwards, dead. I shrank a little and looked around to see if anyone had witnessed that. When I turned back he was getting to his feet.
“Hey, you're alright!” I said and smiled.
“You really are stupid aren't you!” He yelled and pulled the sword from his chest.”Great! Really great! Now I'm undead!” He was getting red faced and I thought maybe it was a good time to leave. I looked back once and I watched him put the sword back in and take it out again. I stood there for a couple of minutes as he practiced taking the sword out of his chest and then putting it back in.
“You know! This just might work!” He yelled and waved. I waved back and went back to the gate. I looked up at the tower and shouted to it that I had killed him.
“Good, I was afraid we would have to deal with him forever!” The man in the tower said and I decided not to tell him about the curse. I was still very thirsty and I needed to get in the gate.

Chapter 4

“Welcome stranger to my little slice of Heaven.” The man said. I looked around and was not impressed. The place looked like it had been cobbled together out of broken ship parts and seaweed. I said as much and his face fell. “Yeah, well it is, but before I got here, it was just a patch of flat ground!” His face brightened again.
“Has it got a name?” I asked.
“Funny you should ask. I was torn, should I name it after myself. You know AlexDaemonville. Or should I go with Lions Watch.” He answered and looked proud. “I settled on Lion's Watch.”
“Alexdaemonville was too long?” I asked, but it was really a statement.
“Yeah, it wouldn't fit on the sign.” He said pointing to a piece of wood now used as part of one of the houses. It read Alexdaemo and nville on the next piece.
“So, uh, Alex. I'm MoonYu.” I said offering my hand. He looked taken back and gingerly took my hand. It was the worst dead fish of a handshake I had ever known!
“A pleasure to meet you, for someone anyway.” He remarked and I had to think that one through a couple of times. I think I may have just been insulted! But I let it go as he gave me a walking tour through his little village. He really didn't need too. The place was small enough for me to see all of it standing right there.
“Ah Alex?” I asked and he stopped his incessant droning about his town. “Why Lion's Watch?”
“Whatever do you mean?” He asked and tried to pick a loose thread from my loin cloth. I slapped his hand away and he glared at me.
“Are there lions around?” I asked and he shook his head no. “Then why is this place named Lion's Watch?”
“I like lions.” He said brightly and tried again! He faked a reach towards the thread that I tried to block, but it was a cover to sneak in with the other hand and he snatched the thread. “I can't stand loose threads!” He looked at it and shivered, before letting it drop to the ground.
“But if there are no lions here, what good does it to name this place Lions watch? No lions, no need to watch for them.” I was angry that he had got past my defenses, but more angry about the name.
“I like lions and Lion's Watch is better than Lion's Eye or Lion's shithole!” He paused for a moment. “Actually Lion's Eye isn't that bad.” He looked lost in thought and I decided it best to leave him that way. To the left was what might be reasonably called a bar.
“Scotch please.” I asked sitting down on one of the stools.
“No.” Said the woman behind the bar and she put a mug of filthy water in front of me.
“And pray tell why not.” I asked trying to not think about strangling her.
“Because the drink you asked for will not be distilled for another two hundred years. The Kelts have yet to learn to distill the various ingredients necessary. Nor have they taken on the identity of being Scots therefore no scotch to be named after them” She answered. I sat back and drank my water. I had terrible dry mouth and needed something. But I was not going to let this go without a fight.
“I'd let this one go without a fight.” Said Alex sitting down and he raised his hand for a drink, but she ignored him and he slowly lowered his hand. He did not look happy.
“Listen, I don't take kindly to being told I don't know my drinks. Future be damned!” I raised my voice and the woman turned sharply and slapped me up against the head.
“Tried to warn you.” Alex said. “Peachii is a moderator and I learned a long time ago not to make them mad.”
A moderator! I thought they were mythic beings. They power was immense according to legend!
“My apologies Peachii. But is there perchance a beverage with alcohol in it available?” But she just stood there looking stoic. “Ah Peachii?” I tried again.
“I think it best if we went elsewhere, hmmm?” Alex left it hanging.
“MoonYu. Remember I just told you a few minutes ago.” I said quietly. I didn't want to raise her ire again!
“Sorry, it's just you are very forgettable.” He said and got off his stool and walked away. I stared at his back as he walked away thinking how nice a spear would help it, but so far I had only seen the one weapon and it was now residing in Scrotie McB's chest.
“Peachii?” I asked sweetly. “Do you think..” But she cut me off.
“You should be going? Yes and do me a big favor and tell the Warden he better pay his tab or else.” Her voice was calm, but her eyes were glowing coals of hate. I liked to think for me, but I think the Warden might have me beat.
“So I should be..” I put it out there and sure enough she finished it for me.
“Going North to the prison.” I thought I saw a little wisp of smoke or steam exit her ears behind her flowing mane of jet black silky hair. I was going to ask another question, but I couldn't think of anything clever and simply got up and left.
“I think she might like you.” Said Alex in a Soto voice as I walked past him. I stopped to say something, but instead got hit in the back of the head with a mug thrown by Peachii. “Nope. I was wrong.” He said and he walked quickly away. While I held my head where the mug had hit it. I nodded to myself and headed off quickly too, but for the gate.

Chapter 5

Off in the distance must have been the prison. It was a formidable looking structure to say the least. But I was getting tired. The sailor wasn't sitting well and I forgot you should never drink the water. After a bout of some of the less savory bodily functions, I needed to lay down and relax. A goat was grazing nearby and I walked up to it and it had no fear of me. So I reached down and broke it's neck. That would make a good pillow.
I was almost asleep when I felt a presence. I jumped up and spooked a figure! It was clad all in black and seemed to have a cloud of black smoke surrounding it.
“What do you want?” I demanded. It looked this way and that and finally shrugged.
“I was to be your nightmare, but lucky me, you're not a sleep.” It looked around some more. “Oh this is not good!”
“Excuse me?” I asked.
“I'm a Nightmare. You know, the bad dream. I was suppose to have scared you while you slept.” It said.
“Not very good at it are you.” I goaded it to test it. It could still be dangerous.
“Oh laugh it up!” It yelled. “I'll have you know I am Nightmare90 and you are going to hate it once you fall asleep!”
“90? That must be a funny story.” I asked with a smirk.
“The hell it is! I had to fight, claw, kick, lie, cheat and steal to get to 90!” It yelled and the black smoke drifting around it got tinges of red in it. “You have no idea what it is like having Nightmare1 going around lording it over everyone! Oh 90, didn't see you there darling, you really must try harder dear.” The rage it was projecting was tangible. It kept ranting like that while I punched the goat a few times to soften it up some more. “You listening to me?!” It yelled. I looked up back up. I had just laid my head back on the goat, but it could wait.
“Just an observation, but if you could channel some of that anger into your work, you would be way scarier.” I said and let my head hit the goat. Before I closed me eyes, I could see it pondering what I just said.
“I don't know what to say.” It shimmered for a moment and then the red tinges came back and maybe a little bit of fire were the eyes should be.
“That's a good nightmare. Now if you can wait a few minutes I really need to get some sleep.” And I closed my eyes. I was so tired that it must have only taken seconds to be out. The first nightmare started and I could feel the land getting colder and darker as ghastly figures arose from the land. Each more gruesome than the next!
“Good work Nightmare90.” I said in my dream and I thought I could here it's reply of “Thanks I really needed this.” I would have continued the conversation, but the scene had changed to a cliff overhang and I was dangling over the edge with only a goat to save me! Below was a pit of lava full of squirming bodies screaming in agony! I smiled, this was more like it!
But it didn't last and the nightmare moved off. I got one last glimpse of Hell just before I settled into a more restful sleep. Never hurts to help those that can totally screw with you.

Chapter 6

I awoke feeling refreshed, but the prison seemed even farther away than it did last night. I realized that the goat was gone and I had been dragged a considerable way from where I had originally laid down. The tracks were plain to see. I must have been very tired. I looked around some more and saw a cave nearby. Maybe whoever dragged me off was in there.
I entered the cave and the smell assaulted the senses. I didn't mind too much, but a little fresh air would do this place a world of good. It was dark too. I wish lighters had been invented already, but I would have to do it the hard way. I walked over to one of the undead pacing around mumbling to himself about single payer health care and punched him in the head. He fell to the ground crying and complained even more when I snapped his leg off to make a torch. What a whiner. Jeezish!
Once I got the leg lit, I went deeper into the cave. I could see the possibilities, but it cost a fortune to get a good interior designer in here to spruce it up proper! The other undead were pretending not to see me after what I did to the first one and shambled out of my way quietly. There were some strange looking birdlike skeletons too, but one swift kick and they crumbled into a pile of bones. They would pull themselves back together after a minute, but after a second kick, they got the message and left me alone too.
“Hey man, you mind?” Came a voice out of the darkness.
“Mind what?” I asked.
“The light. I'm pretty sensitive to light.” I could see it now. A large strange looking beast. It was covering its eyes to protect it from the light of the torch.
“What are you doing in here?” I asked and rubbed part of the torch in the mud to dim it down.
“Thanks man, that's much better. I don't get out much and my eyes just aren't use to light anymore.” It said.
“You still haven't answered my question.” I said and thought a moment and added, “MoonYu.” I extended my hand and it took it in it's ugly claw like paw.
“Xpire. Pleased to meet you.” It said and sat down on one of the skeleton birds.
“so Xpire, why you hiding out in here.” I asked.
“Oh, I'm not hiding. I like it here. Unlike my brethren over at the prison, I like the peace and quiet this place has, plus all the muck you can eat.” It reached down and grabbed a handful of mud and took a bite, but made a face. “Alright! Which one of you undead pissed on my dinner!” He yelled and the all the undead turned away and waddled away as fast as they could. “Damn undead, don't give a hill of beans where they go!” He shook the rest of the mud from his hand.
“You said something about the prison?” I was headed there and if there were going to be more like him, I needed as much information as I could get.
“Yeah, most of my family hangs out there. As long as you don't bother the Warden, he doesn't care.” It began picking at what I hoped was its ear. “You see, we're Necromancers and the prison is full of dead prisoners to boss around. Its just that they can only do so much and the skeletons are the worst. Constantly banging into the bars and such and having to be cleaned up. Not like here. Here I get to relax and no one bothers me.” He grinned. At least I think he did.
“So is there a secret way to get past the rest of your family, or should I care?” I asked. My eyes were getting better adjusted to the darkness and I really wish they hadn't. He was not pretty.
“Oh sure. Just take the fire escape that's near the back entrance to the third floor.” It started picking at the filth between its toes. I had enough.
“Thanks, I think I will be going now.” I said and headed back out.
“Hey if you see Bermalberist, tell him Bump! He'll understand.” He shouted and waved goodbye. I returned the wave, but Bermalberist? That name needed a shorter nickname!

Chapter 7

I left the cave and it did take a couple of minutes to get use to the brightness of the outside again. Still, I needed to make up some lost time and started off again. The prison was just visible ahead, I could see several skeletons and some bandits. Strange that they didn't fight with each other. But that was neither here or there. I just kept walking.
The Skeletons saw me first and attacked. I hate fighting skeletons! I cut my knuckles several times and stubbed my toe on a skull! Now I was getting angry! The bandits came at me next and wish they didn't. The first had a rather nice axe and I was happy to relieve him of it. He started crying that his mother had given it to him and I sighed and tried to give it back. But what was it with the people on this continent? None of them could catch worth a damn! I took the axe back out of his head and continued on my way.
You would think the others would have got the hint, but no! I hate having my time wasted like this, but at least I did get a nice pair of shoes from one of them. He wasn't going to need them anymore. I wish the rest of them were a little larger. I really could go for a nice shirt to match my loin cloth. But the few shirts that didn't have blood and/or axe holes in them just clashed too much.
I finally reached the Prison and the back door was missing. I peered inside, but it was dark and dank. I thought I could hear skeletons bumping around. I thought about going in, but I caught sight of the fire escape hidden behind some bushes. I looked up and shuddered. I am afraid of heights! But it was this or risk having to talk to more of those ugly Necromancers. If they were anything like Xpire. I stopped myself right there. He or was it it? No matter, I had nothing against the filthy beast, just I rather not go through that again. So up I climbed.
I reached the top and resisted looking down. Damn I hate heights! I tried the door, but it was locked. Normally I would just kick it in, but I really didn't have the room on this platform. So I knocked. The door opened and there before me was a huge monster of what once might have been a man.
“You're not selling Avon are you?” He asked and I shook my head no. He opened the door wider to let me in. Inside, I took it all in. The place was well done if you like matching wallpaper to the furniture pattern. Personally I prefer to have the two complement each other, but not match.
“Thank you, I didn't like thinking that I might have to climb down again.” I said and he laughed. It was a guttural sound from deep within his enormous bulk.
“Yeah I hate heights too.” He said and I smiled. “Tea?”
“Oh yes please. With one sugar and a drop of lemon if you have it.” I added.
“Don't be silly. Of course I have lemon.” He said and waved for me to sit at a nice little table that looked even tinier between the two of us. I took of sip of my tea and winced. It wasn't Earl Grey, but what could you do?
“I don't mean to sound rude, but are you the Warden?” I asked.
“Please, call me Hardlicker.” I nodded.
“I hate to bring this up, but a woman named Peachii asked me to tell you to pay your tab.” I watched him closely for any sign of aggression, but he only shattered his tea cup in his hand while screaming obscenities into the air. Nothing unusual.
“Peachii huh? So how is our special friend?” He asked after recovering from the screaming. Tiny wisps of steam were escaping off the top of his bald head were some of the tea had landed.
“How shall I put this delicately? Bitchy and cranky?” I said and he nodded. “I guess I better go and see her. Don't want her coming looking for me ya know.” He said and grabbed a fresh tea cup from the corner hutch.
“So.” I paused. I wasn't sure what to do next. Then I remembered something that Xpire had said. “Ever hear of someone called Bermalberist?” He shook his head no.
“What a name! Needs a nickname like Bambi or just shorten it to BMBI.” I smiled.
“I was thinking the same thing. It was just someone called Xpire asked me to tell him 'Bump' for some reason.” I was enjoying myself even if the tea was substandard.
“Xpire.” He looked lost in thought. “Xpire.” He said to himself again. “Oh the caveman! Yeah I think I remember now, you want to find the Weaver!” And he took another sip of the his tea and winced. “I miss Earl Grey.”
“So which way to this weaver?” I asked, but figured I might know the answer.
“Oh, just go through the cove of the dead ships, don't stop to talk to the Captain, and then head through Mel's place.” He said and we both got up and he showed me out another door that lead North.
“Why shouldn't I talk to the Captain?” I asked before I stepped outside. He just rolled his eyes, made the crazy circle with his hand around his ear and laughed!
“Well thank you for a lovely afternoon, Hardlicker. Good luck with Peachii.” I meant it to be friendly, but he got red faced and slammed the door! If I make it back this way, I have to remember to bring him some scented candles or something to make up for my gaff.
Still I wanted to get going before it got too late and set off on the road. I could see it under the sand, but it was clear in areas. This should be easy I thought wrongly.

Chapter 8

I started down the road and was making good time. A few bandits and what I can best describe as goatmen tried to kill me. You know, normal stuff. I finally did find a nice shirt and thought I had found a good hat, but it was too small. I kicked the corpse I got it off of again. Jerk. But before I killed him, he told me about a shortcut to the Weaver's place. I smiled I could use a break for a change.
I approached the shortcut and saw a woman standing there doing something to the cliff face.
“Hey, excuse me. Is this the shortcut to the Weaver's?” I asked and she sneered back at me.
“Find your own way in!” And then she ran into the passage. A large wall of spikes came up from the ground blocking my way!
“What a bitch!” I said out loud to myself.
“I heard that!” came from the other side. I cringed a little. I didn't know who she was and I know from personal experience about pissing off women!
But this was getting me nowhere fast. I looked around and saw another path that led down towards the sea. I shrugged and started skipping while whistling a tune. I don't like Siren songs, but they had a way of getting stuck in your head! I made it to the water's edge and stopped. There was a large ship just sitting there! I could get off this continent!
Standing before the gangway was a sharp dressed man. I walked up to him and he did this cute little bow that was infectious. I did it back and he smiled.
“Captain Vakirauta.” He said by way of greeting.
“MoonYu.” I replied and we shook hands. He grip was surprisingly strong, but I was much stronger and he cried out first.
“OK! OK! You win!” He cried and I smiled. I always win.
“So Vakirauta, how soon do you sail?” I asked and he gave me a strange look.
“sail? Why would I want to sail?” He asked and it was my turn to be confused.
“Isn't this your ship?” I asked. He nodded and pulled out a pipe. He looked at the empty bowl and frowned. He put it away again. “Ah, so this is your ship, but you don't plan to leave?” I tried again.
“Leave? Why would I want to leave?” He was starting to get on my nerves with his cheerful blank expression.
“I was just wondering why a Captain of a ship would not want to take it to sea.” I said and he looked at me weird, but then I think I saw he finally got it!
“Oh! This?! It's not a ship. It's my restaurant.” He said looking pleased with himself.
“A restaurant?” I asked. He grinned and nodded his head.
“The only one shaped like a ship on this whole continent!” He beamed. I looked around at the desolate landscape. There were wrecks of many ships everywhere and only a few undead and those strange birds roaming around.
“So, who exactly eats here?” I inquired and he looked lost again. “Your customers?” I tried again and nothing.
“Did I ever tell you about the time I was running a circus?” He asked out of the blue and I remembered the Warden's warning about this guy! I had to interrupt him and get out of here fast!
“Hey Vakirauta! If this is a restaurant on the ocean, you must have fish on the menu.” I said and he shook his head.
“Its a restaurant, not a fish shack.” He said like it made sense. “So anyway, I had this clown posse and they were just crazy if you know what I mean.” I shook my head no and interrupted again.
“So what kind of food do you serve here?” I asked and he again got that stupid look on his face that made me want to pull out my hair or hurt him. I hadn't made up my mind yet.
“Food? There's no food here. It's a restaurant.” He said and I grabbed a handful of hair.
“Oh! I got to tell you about the time I was surrounded by these chimps and they were trying to sell me a time share! Like I was going to fall for that!” He laughed at the memory. Or at least I thought it might be a memory. “The biggest one was really trying the hard sell and I was like huh, no.” I took the opportunity to slowly step away as he reenacted the entire scene to himself. Playing each characters part and using different voices too. As soon as I was down the way I took off running as I hard as I could! I felt like I had barely escaped with my life!

Chapter 9

Once well away from that mental patient Vakirauta, I was pleased to see a sign pointing to Mel's place. Then another that said it was only a couple of hundred feet now. Then another ten feet later. I looked ahead and saw that there must have been a thousand signs all pointing to Mel's place. Many of them had cute little sayings on them like “You'll love it at Mel's” or “Mel's is for lovers” I started to get a bad feeling about this.
But where else was there to go? Back past Vakirauta? I rather take my chances with whatever fresh hell this Mel's place might be. Finally I saw an entrance. It was guarded by a doorman behind a purple rope attached to two metal stands. He watched me coming and held out a clipboard.
“Name?” He demanded.
“MoonYu.” I said and he looked down the list.
“Sorry pal, I don't see your name on the list.” He said.
“Ah, excuse me, but who are you?” I asked and he looked genuinely shocked!
“Who am I?” He exclaimed looking around for someone else to be shocked too, but I was the only one I could see within a mile of this place.
“Yeah, you. Who are you?” I asked again. He did the whole I can't believe this guy bit again. That was until I grabbed him and pulled him up to my face right across the rope barrier.
“Oh, sorry sir. I'm EplisonWhale. The doorman.” He was afraid now and that made me smile. He may have been use to pushing around people smaller than himself, but so was I.
“And what is behind the door that requires a doorman?” I asked nicely still holding him a foot off the ground and right in my face.
“Mel's place.” He said weakly and I slowly let him down and gave him a small push once he was on the ground again.
“And what is Mel's place?” I asked quietly. I was saving my voice for screaming at him later to see if I could make him cry.
“Mel's place is the happening place that everyone wants to get into. That's why I was hired to screen the riff raft. No offense sir!” He shrank into himself.
“So you really don't know.” I said and he nodded.
“I've never been allowed in.” He confessed in a whisper. Why he whispered is beyond me. I was the only other person here. But I relaxed a little.
“Well Whale this is your lucky day.” I said and picked him up, threw him over my shoulder and strode into the entrance.
Once inside it took a minute to get use to the darkness. It was just another cave! There were lots of crabs scurrying around and some sort of squid like things, but they took one look at me carrying Whale and they made themselves scarce.
“Um, MoonYu. I don't mean to be a bother, but do you mind putting me down. I really don't want to get fired for being in here. I only started last week.” He pleaded and I relented. I dropped him on his ass and he got up slowly and looked around for a moment. “I've been guarding this?” And shook his sadly and limped away.
I didn't bother to watch him go, but followed the path deeper into the cavern. There were rickety bridges and deep drop offs into the mists that had vague shapes drifting in and around. I liked it. Felt sort of like a summer vacation spot.
I found another cave entrance that went up this time and I went on in. It opened up into a gilded chamber full of gold and other bling. I think it was suppose to impress the people entering it for the first time, but I found it tacky. I walked in a little farther and looked at the murals. They were poorly done, but framed with expensive tassels. It made me think of someone going to an art show and buying as boatload of cheap paintings and trying to dress them up as something better than they were. But the effect was cheap and I disliked it immensely.
“Like what you see Mr. MoonYu?” Came a woman's voice. It had that deep dusky quality that women can only get by smoking way too much. Or maybe spending too much time in this damp moldy art torture chamber.
“You have the advantage of me, miss Mel I assume?” I asked. She laughed and came into view. She was tall and attractive with an excellent bust to go with her fine hips. The woman would have been perfect except for the tentacles showing under her gown as she moved. She either was a Mermaid or a squid trying to look human.
“You may call me Alysma.” She tried to strike a sexy pose, but one of her tentacles got stuck on a rock and she stumbled. “Shit!”
“Listen Alysma, I love what you've done with the place.” I lied, “But is this the way to get to the Weaver's?” I asked and she looked perplexed.
“You're not here for me?” She looked like she might cry.
“Ah, no,, but please don't take it personally. My tastes are a little different.” Like other humans I thought to myself, but kept it quiet.
“I'm fat aren't I?” She did start crying! Now I was in it! I put my arm around her and I could feel the fake skin move in a sicking way.
“No, you're beautiful, its just I'm in a hurry and I don't have the time to show a woman as fine as you the proper time.” I almost choked on that whopper! But it worked and she brightened.
“Oh you!” She said and pushed me with her fake hand. It bent in an entirely wrong way, but I was able to hide that I had just vomited into my own mouth!
“So listen lovely, how did I get to the Weaver's?” She looked up to me and blinked. Or least she tried. The timing was off so one eye blinked then the other, but completely out of sync.
“You're such a nice man. And to think I was going to kill you!” She began crying again. “I'm such a bad squid!”
“Now, now. You are just doing what comes naturally.” I held her 'hand'.
“I really shouldn't, but you have been so nice! It's that way.” She pointed with three tentacles and a hand. I smiled and kissed her, ah, hand and walked slowly to the door and blew her a kiss once I reached it. I should have just killed her, but she wasn't so bad. I opened the door and before me was a jungle! This place sure was strange!

Chapter 10

I got through the jungle with only a minor annoyance. A group of monkeys tried to sell me on this band they had formed and they just needed a manager to book some gigs. I killed them all in the name of all that is Floyd. The Great Pink God of Muses.
At the end of the path I was following was a small village. I looked around and there were several people just standing there. I looked this way and that and while I didn't want to. I asked which way to the Weaver's. I was so happy that none of them spoke and just pointed left. I gave them a thumbs up and off I went. I hadn't had much luck in these types of places in the past. Someone always holds a piece of information hostage in exchange for trying to get you killed to do what they are afraid to for themselves.
At least the road to the Weaver's was paved. I made good time and only had to kill about a hundred snakes, chimps and bandits. Fairly routine day. Best yet was one of the bandits had a sweet jacket. I wish I had a pair of pants to go with it, but all the ones with pants were so small, they would only fit a Shadow or some other kind of douche.
I finally entered the dark woods. I had heard the Weaver's place was near here. I just wondered why everyone chuckled when I asked about it. I didn't find it funny and mostly showed my displeasure with the axe I still carried. It was getting a little worn and I might start looking for a better one. I'd have to keep my eye out.
I came to a fork in the path that the road had given away to. There were two signs. One point and said certain death and the other pointed to the Weaver's Den. I shrugged. Certain death might have been fun. But I set off the path to the Weaver's and quickly noticed the increase in spider webs everywhere! I don't like spiders. They always give me the worst gas! But sure enough, they came out of the woodwork and I got spider goop all over my shoes as I squashed them!
I made it to the entrance to Weaver's place and pushed aside the webs. It was hard to see behind all of the webbing, but the place wasn't that bad. A little lamp here or there to shine a soft light on the walls and this place wouldn't be so bad. I found myself walking around taking notes about how I would liven up the place.
“Oh give up.” I heard from behind me. “They'll just cover it in more webs.” It was a giant spider and it sounded upset.
“Let me guess, you're the Weaver.” I said and if it was possible, it nodded.
“Stupid name I know, but I didn't choose it. It was Udja's idea and the rest just ran with it. Personally I hate it. Stupid pun! I hope he finishes that jar soon.” It said and turned to go farther into the cave. I followed.
“What jar are we talking about?' I asked, but he was off on another rant.
“I mean what did I do to deserve this anyway? All I said was that she should watch what she eats and whamo! Cursed to be a giant stupid spider! All because of a slice of a little green pie!” It said and I swore it was crying. Well at least out of four of its eight eyes.
“Who cursed you?” I asked, but we answered in unison.
“Bunnu.”
“You know her?' It asked and I shook my head no.
“I ran into Scrotie McB.” I said and it laughed. Or what passes for a laugh from a giant monstrous spider.
“You think he would have learned from my lesson, but he never could tell a lie to save himself.” It stopped and turned to face me. “I used to be called Funkhauzer, but now everyone just calls me the Weaver.”
“Well the Weaver has a nice ring to it.” I said and wish I hadn't it,
“It's not my name!” it screamed and several small spiders dropped from the ceiling and ran off in all directions, trailing webs behind them. He looked at the webs and sighed. “I hate spiders.”
“So I hate to interrupt, but the Warden told me to come see you.” I noticed that several of the smaller spiders were trying to web my feet into place. I picked my foot up and squashed them. Their tiny screams made me smile.
“Wish I could do that.” Funkhauzer said. “All I got are these tiny pads and while I can climb the shit out of a tree, they suck for stomping. I use to love stomping.” He stopped and looked at me with all eight eyes. “You said the warden sent you?” It asked and I nodded. “You must be looking for Vaal!”
“Am I?” I was confused. “I never heard of Vaal, but someone named Xpire asked me to talk to someone called Bermalberist.”
“Yeah, right! Listen to get to Bermalberist,” He paused, “Needs a nickname. Anyway you'll need to go through Vaal's place on top of the hidden pyramid and make your way to Sarn.” It looked pleased with it's self.
“Excuse me?” I asked.
“Oh! But wait! I just remembered that you'll have to get that thing from the girl!” It said and turned around again and scurried towards the entrance.
“Who and where for what?” I yelled after it. It was fast with those eight legs!
We got to the opening and it pointed back towards the little village.
“Just head that way and ask for Cronk.” It used two legs to point the way I had come.
“Yeah I know where it is. I just came from there.” I said with more than a little agitation. It had a strange look on what I assumed was it's face.
“Why?” It asked. “You should have taken the shortcut.” it pointed towards the path to certain death.
“Some bitch blocked it before I could take it.” I said and it scurried back into the cave very scared!
“Only one woman has the key to the shortcut! Do yourself a favor and never call her a bitch!” and with that, it ran back inside to hide. I sighed heavily and started back up the path I just came from. I really wanted to go to see the certain death, but it was not to be.

Chapter 11

I made it back to the little village and I swear no one had moved an inch! I was beginning to have serious doubts about this place. I went up to the large man standing near where I had entered before.
“Excuse me. The Weaver said I need to ask for Cronk.” I thought it was an innocent enough question, but the guy started hyperventilating! “Slow down man!” I had to hold him up as he almost pasted out!
“Sorry about that.” He managed to gasp. “I just get this way anytime I hear his name!”
“Cronk?” I asked and he started doing it again! This time he did pass out and I let him fall.
“Oh way to go smart ass!” Said the creepy old guy sitting behind me. “Just had to push Boem a little more didn't you?”
“All I did was ask about some guy name Cronk!” I said. I heard another cry and Boem was now curled up into a ball!
“Stop saying that!” The creepy old guy yelled. But I noticed he didn't exactly get up to help this Boem person.
“Why does it affect him so?” I asked and he shrugged.
“We don't know. Every time anyone asks him about it he has a fit.” He shrugged it off as if it was nothing.
“Listen old man,” But he cut me off.
“I'm not old.” He said and I narrowed my eyes. His statement seemed to conflict with my perception of him.
“Right. Listen not old man. I still need to find this,” I stopped myself and looked at Boem just starting to uncurl.
“My name is Kowa, Mike Kowa.” He said and I didn't care.
“Fine KowaMikeKowa, Can you direct me to you know who.” I said watching Boem get up and act like nothing had just happened.
“It's Mike Kowa, not, you know what? Just forget it.” He snarled. I was glad to oblige.
“Getting back to the subject of,” I paused and looked at Boem. He was just standing there. “You know who.”
“That way.” Mike Kowa pointed.
“Thanks.” I said and started out the other side of town, but I couldn't resist!
“Cronk!” I shouted and Boem collapsed again! It was too funny and I laughed my way out of that little piss ant village!
“I hope I don't to go back through there.” I said to myself and followed the path North.
I liked this area. The water was crisp and blue and the sky too. The bears and chimps were annoying. But after I refused to buy any of their magazine subscriptions, they left me alone. I wish I could say the same for the rock monsters. They wouldn't take no for answer and I had to waste time listening to sales pitch after sales pitch! I did finally get away by telling them I had to talk it over with the wife. It was a lie, but so was the number I gave them to call later.
I finally made it to some sort of old temple. There was a for sale sign on it, but I learned long ago not to buy old places. They were money pits. Still I heard that Cronk was in there somewhere. I knocked, but the door simply fell in. On the floor I saw a bunch of little spiders ran away and sighed. I thought about stomping on them, but I decided against it. It had taken over an hour to clean my shoes after the Weaver's place.
I walked through the empty corridors and peaked in a door or two. There were a bunch of undead lounging around, but they seemed happy ignoring me and I wasn't going to complain. They almost always talked politics or religion and I preferred conversations about decapitations or music.
I found another stairway down and thought why not? I got to the bottom of it and the spiders were much larger this time. The first one ran up to me to talk about an exciting new theory it had about a sun centered system, but I killed it before it could annoy me anymore. Now I don't know much about spiders, be I could swear the rest cheered. It least it sounded that way to me.
This place was bigger inside than it looked from the outside. I found another stairway and down I went. It wasn't much to look at. The furniture was that old red plush that was in fashion a few years ago, but I never went for it. The gold trim was just over the top and I wondered what it was that made people think it made them look richer?
But I finally thought I could hear a human voice. As I got nearer, I could clearly make out a woman talking in a raise voice. I had assumed Cronk was a man, but I might have been wrong! Nope. I was right. I saw Cronk sitting in one of those nasty seats trying to ignore the woman nagging him. I caught his eye and he let a pained expression cross his face. If you could call it a face. He looked more like a cross between scorpion and a bad heavy metal record cover.
“Look.” the woman yelled, pointing in my direction. “They have come to save me and there is nothing you can do to stop them!” Then she ran to me and clung to me like wet toilet paper. I was surprised to say the least!
“Save you?” I asked and she let go to start berating Cronk again. He just sat there taking it.
“Yes, he has rescued you. Now please go Paolynie.” He pleaded and closed his eye in pain.
“Aren't you going to fight him?' She asked me.
“Uh, I don't think that will be necessary.” I said and Cronk looked up at me with a please kill me look.
“Some rescue this is.” She stamped her foot and continued. “I have been trapped down here for almost two weeks and you are the first to come and try to save me!”
“Actually I'm here to talk to Cronk. The Weaver sent me.” Cronk brighten, but Paolynie was having none of it. She went back to screaming at Cronk about how his food sucked, his place reeked and how much she hated his guts.
“Please just go!” He pleaded with her. “I never trapped you! You just wouldn't leave!” He looked to me for some sort of support, but I refused to get in the middle of it.
“Excuse me, but Funkhauzer said you could help me get to Sarn?” I asked. His pained expression was palpable, but he managed to ignore Paolynie's latest diatribe and held out a gem for me.
“What's this?” I asked over the sounds of Paolynie yelling. He paused and waited for her to catch her breath.
“You need it to unlock the gate to the pyramid.” He said and I thanked him as I took it. Paolynie had gained another lung full and was now going on about the septic system not being female friendly. He looked to me and asked “Sure you can't rescue her?”
“I really don't want to get involved.” I said and he nodded. I left him there just taking it. I shuddered to think that I might have just have had a glimpse of Hell. Well, better him than me.

Chapter 12

I did have to go through that village again, but again, no one had moved from their spot. I resisted yelling Cronk again and simply walked through. I walked back down the same road I had before, but this time I saw the small path leading off to the entrance to this pyramid I kept hearing about. I thought it funny that I couldn't see the top of it in the distance, but it was a funny land. I did get very upset when I went to use the gem key to unlock it the gate, but it was already open. I could saved myself a lot of time had I just came here first!
I went on in and was shocked! The skeletons had done a great job with the ground floor! Normally they are the dumbest things on the planet next to comedy writers. I wasted a good hour or more bowling. It took a little getting use to, but skulls made for a nice ball. Still the undead had me beat, but they had been at it for years, I was just learning. But I tired of it after a while and remembered that I was suppose to get to Sarn.
I thought about that for a moment. Did I really need to get to Sarn? Just to meet someone called Bermalberist and say 'bump' to him! But what else was there to do? I really didn't have anything on my agenda except this. I found the stairs and headed on up. It was what I expected. The stairs kept going up and each floor got smaller until I reached what I assumed was the penthouse. Sitting there in a chair was Vaal I guessed.
“Vaal?” I asked and he shook his head no.
“Pneuma. Vaal had a dentist appointment and asked me to keep an eye on the place.” He said. I nodded like I understood, but I didn't.
“It was just that Funkhauzer told me to talk to Vaal about finding Bermalberist.” I said and he looked at me with a blank expression. I waited a little longer, but he just sat there. “I don't suppose you know him?” Still nothing. “Ah, Pneuma?”
“Yes?” He asked looking up.
“Bermalberist?” I asked again. He went back to the blank look. He started swinging his leg though. Maybe he was thinking.
“Hey aren't you MoonYu?” He finally asked.
“You've heard of me?” I was surprised that he knew my name!
“What?” He asked. His leg stopped swinging and the look returned. This was getting me nowhere fast!
“Hi, I'm Moonyu. You have a message for me?” I threw out to see if any of it would stick. No such luck.
“Hi, if you want Vaal, his not here at the moment.” He said and looked pleased with himself.
“Is that the door?” I asked and he actually looked!
“Is someone at the door?” He asked and got up and opened it. I should have been surprised to see that the pyramid top opened to a flat land beyond it, but I was tired of being surprised here.
“Thanks man.” I said and left through the door.
“Vaal's not here.” He said and closed the door much to my relief.

Chapter 13

Sarn it turned out was a very large city. Well, really one large slum, but it was better than those dinky little camps the locals called villages. I saw a group of traders plying their wears and I headed that way. I got close and realized what I was doing and mentally bitch slapped myself! I quickly turned around and went off to find this Bermalberist on my own.
I guess there was some sort of war going on, but damned if I could tell who was fighting and who was just being dead. I did see a group of soldiers with some important looking person sitting in a chair in front of some fancy, but kind of gay tent.
As I approached the soldiers ran out to greet me. I thought it was a nice gesture, but after I accidentally killed them all, I felt like I should say something to fancy officer glaring down at me.
“Hey, sorry man. Sometimes I get carried away.” I said and he sat back again.
“Ah forget it, you just saved me a ton of money on my insurance.” He said and patted the chair next to his. I eyed it wearily, but he seemed nice. I sat down and he introduced himself. “General Lachdanan.”
“MoonYu.” I answered and he nodded.
“Aren't you the guy looking for Bermalberist?” He asked and it was my turn to nod my head.
“You know where he is?” I hoped I was getting close!
“Oh yeah. He's over that way working on his temple.” He waved over his shoulder.
“Well thanks, I guess I should be going.” I started to get up, but he looked sad. “Problem?”
“It's just no one stays and talks anymore.” He sounded as sad as he looked. “I have my men take prisoners and they choose death over conversation and my men was no better. Always talking about wrestling.” He looked down at his expensive boots and brushed a bit of dead prisoner off of it.
“I know. What is it that grown men find so interesting about two other grown men wrestling in the nude?” I asked and he looked up sharply.
“They do it in the nude?” I wasn't sure I liked his tone.
“Yeah and covered in oil.” I answered and looked over his shoulder to see if this Bermalberist was close enough for me to get out of this.
“Why?” He asked and I relaxed. He lost that way too interested look that had me worried.
“Hell if I know.” I said truthfully. I looked around and noticed dead bodies stacked everywhere. “Not to change the subject, but you seem to have killed a lot of people here.”
“Oh, that wasn't us. One of the locals called Bunnu a bitch and she laid waste to the place. We just came in here to mop up and take over. You know, kick'em while they're down.” He said and I nodded. Made sense to me.
“I heard she has quite the temper.” I said and he got wide eyed.
“You think she's bad, stay the hell away from her twin sister Bex!” He hissed quietly afraid to be overheard.
“Is Bex the evil one?” I asked and he looked at me funny.
“Bex? No she's the nicer of Bunnu's twins. No her other twin sister Victoria is the evil twin.” He was diffidently scared now.
“Bunnu has two twin sisters?” I was not sure I understood this one.
“Well, Victoria is her twin sister by their mother's second husband.” he clarified.
“Right, listen Lachdanan, it was a pleasure to meet you, but I got a message to deliver.” I got up and he waved. It was a little strange. I was still only two feet away, but I waved back and he smiled and went back to cleaning his boots.


Chapter 14

I finally saw him. Bermalberist was directing the workmen that were putting what I assume were the finishing touches on his temple. I stood there admiring the place. It had a cross of Greek and Roman styles, but they didn't clash, but rather complimented each other. He saw me standing there and came over to stand next to me and admire his temple.
“Very nice.” I said and he was positively glowing.
“I know, I know!” He exclaimed. “But the best is inside!” He lead me to the door and we entered a hallway that was lined with statues of himself.
“Ah, just which God is this temple for?” I asked and he looked at me funny.
“God?” He asked and looked around. “This is my temple.”
“You made a temple to yourself?” I was perplexed to say the least. But he was nodding like a fool.
“I know! Its just too wonderful!” He exclaimed and twirled around one of the statues with his arms outstretched. “I can't wait for my children and my children's children to marvel at how great I am!”
“You have children?” I asked and he grinned wider.
“two so far, I named them Bermalberist after myself.” He was almost floating he was so overcome with joy.
“You named both of your sons after you?” I was astonished!
“One son, one daughter.” He corrected me. “Its a family tradition.” He added and I nodded. Made sense in this land!
“Oh! I also forgot! Xpire told me to tell you Bump.” I said and he started laughing.
“Of course he did! How is he?” He asked.
“Smelling, disgusting and otherwise doing well.” I answered and he smiled again.
“I found him that cave you know. He hated being in that old prison!” He said, but he was still just wandering around feeling his statues' feet. That was a little creepy. I can't stand toes. Ugly little things make me want to gag! But he was so in love with himself, I don't think he would have cared if the statues came to life and tried to kill us as long as they looked like him while doing it.
“Well, I did what I came to do.” I looked around, “So is there a way off this continent?”
“You want to leave?” He was taken back. “But you just got here! Oh please stay a while and tell me how great I am.” He was doing that glowing trick again. But it came to a sudden stop and his face went from joy to fright in a nano-second!
“I see you finally finished your little project Bermalberist.” It was the same bitch that locked me out of the shortcut!
“Oh Bunnu, I hope you don't mind, but I have company.” He said trying to move her focus to me instead.
“Mind, why would I mind? You are saying I might not understand something as simple as common courtesy?” She still had the same light tone in her voice, but the temperature in the room dropped twenty degrees!
“No, no!” He pleaded, “I never meant any disrespect Bunnu!” He was almost crawling on his belly to kiss her feet! I had never seen such a craven display before!
“So who is this guest that I seem to have no respect for?” She asked and the acid was strong enough to cut through granite!
“Ah this is,” And he had to stop. He had been so wrapped up in his own image, he had forgot to ask me my name. I thought about leaving him out to hang, but he wasn't so bad.
“I'm MoonYu.” I said and put my hand out to shake. She put her hand on mine and I could feel the life force draining from mine!
“The pleasure is all mine, I assure you.” She said and when she finally let my hand go, it looked like an old moldy prune!
“Yes, yes!” Yelled out Bermalberist. “We serve at your pleasure my lady!” I was sickened by his groveling, but I had to admit, this was one tough bitch!
“Excuse me.” She said and I brought my attention back to her. “But I believe we met before haven't we?”
“Oh right! At the shortcut!” I said it and wish I hadn't I saw the recognition.
“called me a bitch didn't you?” She asked and Bermalberist looked horrified.
“Never call her that!” He yelled and jumped up to slap my face!
“Never call me that, but its fine to think it?” She snarled and waved her hand. There was a loud bang and a cloud of smoke and Bermalberist had been transformed into a frog!
“Wow, now that's impressive” I said.
“Why thank you MoonYu.” She said and waved her hand again! Another loud bang, another cloud of smoke and I joined Bermalberist as a frog too.
“I really hate that word.” She said as she walked away.
“Well thank you very much mister had to call her a bitch!” Croaked Bermalberist.
“Hey, I wasn't lying!” I croaked in my defense.
“I heard that.” She said from the doorway and waved her hand again. I waited, but I didn't notice anything different and croaked as much.
“Don't worry darling, that was a curse for your spawn. They will be forever miserable. At least until the curse wears off!” And with that she was gone.
I sat there. It was a very strange feeling being a frog. But I sighed and decided to roll with it.
“Want to go get something to eat?” I asked Bermalberist.
“Yeah, I could go for something.” he said and we started hopping out of the temple. “But what about your children?”
“Screw'em.” I said and hopped out in to the world.

I know! I know! I've explained before that I rarely go back and edit these stories even though I should.

I'm reading through my book again for what I hope is the last time before I release it. Down to just needing to format it and get a cover made.