Not good enough for my website

Chapter 1

A figure stood looking out over Peril City from a top the tallest building in the area. IT swayed back and forth slightly as it was scared of heights and was feeling ill. It decided that maybe it was time to find another location to scan the city for crime. It stepped back from the observation deck and turned around to see two thugs standing there.
“You gonna hand over your wallet nice and peaceful like, or are we gonna have to beat it out of you?” The larger of the two said. The shorter one smirked.
“You don't have any idea who I am do you?” The figure asked them and they looked at each other and pulled out their guns. Only both weapons were smashed out of their hands in flash of movement! The figure then made another series of fast moves and both thugs were kneecapped by a metal object and fell to the ground in pain.
“Son of a bitch!” Screamed the short one, holding his knee with his hands.
“What the hell?” Yelled the larger one, doing the same them. The figure stepped into the light of the doorway and the two thugs could see it was wearing a mask. It suddenly made several kung fu type moves with the objects in it's hands.
“Are those ladles?” asked the short thug. He looked to his partner and he looked confused too.
“Who in hell uses ladles as a weapon?” The larger one asked.
“I'm Spoonman.” The figure told them and did some more kung fu moves that looked totally weird with ladles.
“Spoonman!” Hissed the smaller of the two and looked to see where the guns had been knocked to. But the larger thug had a question that was more important to him.
“But ladles aren't spoons.” He pointed out and slowly tried to get to his feet.
“Technically ladles are a member of the spoon family.” Spoonman explained and straightened out of his battle crouched position.
“That's just plain stupid.” The larger one said and finally made it to his feet. The smaller one was very slowly making his way towards the gun on the gun near the railing. “A spoon is a small hand held instrument for consuming soup or cereal. A ladle is used in cooking and never used for eating.”
“Spoons are not limited to one function and can be used in a variety of functions that have nothing to do with cooking.” Spoonman countered and put the ladles away as he got more into the argument. “I bet you have even tried to use a spoon as a screwdriver before. Haven't you?”
“Well yeah.” The larger thug said trying to keep Spoonman's focus on him. His partner was nearing the gun. “But my point is still you could call yourself Spoonman and still use real weapons. Batman used many bat themed weapons, but they weren't actual bats.”
“I hadn't thought about that.” Spoonman admitted, but in a flash, he suddenly threw something at the shorter thug as he tried to bring the gun to bear!
“Really?” The shorter one asked. There was a spoon lodged in the barrel of the gun, handle first. He tugged on the spoon trying to dislodge it.
“I'm pretty good with spoons. I've been practicing for years.” Spoonman said with a grin.
“My fucking hero.” The larger said and lunged at him. Only Spoonman stepped aside and hit the thug on the back of the neck with a large serving spoon. “Jesus!” The thug screamed as he dropped to one knee. “That really hurts!”
“You think that hurt?” Spoonman asked and opened his overcoat to show them rows of spoons lining his vest.
“You are some kind of special stupid aren't you the shorter one asked. He had freed the spoon from the barrel and raised the gun to fire. Only he never pulled the trigger as he was impaled by several spoons in the chest and staggered back and fell over the railing to the ground below.
“You bastard!” The larger one shouted, “You killed K....” But never got the rest out as he too was hit with a dozen spoons in the chest. As he looked sick as Spoonman smiled and threw another spoon into the air and kicked it straight into the thugs forehead. The thug fell over dead.
“Fuck with the Spoon, die like.....” Spoonman paused, he couldn't think of what would rhyme with spoon that sounded ominous. “Shit.” He said to himself and tried to open the door to the building. He tried again, pulling as hard as he could and began to panic! He couldn't be found up here with a dead body full of spoons! Then he remember that he had to push and the door swung in. He quickly made his way down the stairs and vanished into the night was he got to the ground floor.

Chapter 2

“Another one Detective.” The patrolman said. It wasn't necessary. Vakirauta could see the spoons clearly enough for himself. He frowned. He didn't like that there was a new hero on the loose. The city had been spared much when the last bunch called it quits. Without heroes to battle, the villains had packed up and left too, but now this.
“Whatcha thinking V.?” Scrotie McB asked him. Vakirauta looked over at the CSI man and frowned deeper. There was something about Scrotie he didn't like.
“Looks like we got a new hero to worry about.” Vakirauta answered him, but he was lost in thought really. Who was this Spoonman? Why spoons? He shook his head to clear it, but it didn't help. He was deeply troubled by the scene.
“There's another body down below Detective!” The patrolman said pointing over the railing. Vakirauta looked over the railing and smirked. This one had landed in a dumpster and wouldn't be visible from the ground.
“Well at least he takes out the trash.” He said and wish he hadn't. It was so stupid! He mentally chastised himself.
“We're all set to move the body Detective.” Scrotie McB told him and he nodded his approval. Scrotie motioned for his assistants to grabbed the body and with a heave, tossed it over the railing into the dumpster below. “Easy this way Detective. We'll get them both at the same time.”
“Whatever, they're all yours now.” Vakirauta said and grumbled quietly to himself as he went to the door and pulled. He paused and tried again.
“Push it Detective.” The Patrolman said helpfully, but withered under Vakirauta's glare of searing hatred. “Sorry.” He added as he looked around for anything to get busy on. Vakirauta sighed and pushed the door open and went to the elevator.
There was a new hero. The thought going around and around in his mind and each pass it made hm more angry. He had planned to be the next hero! Only every name he wanted was taken already! Ironman would have been perfect! Ironside would have been alright too, but the registry kept turning him down. And now someone had beat him to it! Would the insults never stop?
His phone rang and he saw it was the Chief calling. So much for not getting insulted more. He answered it and the stream of expletives made him hold the phone away from his ear. He waited it out, but the chief had an extensive library of swears and could rant for several minutes before beginning to repeat himself. The elevator arrived and he got on while still holding the phone out. On the elevator were several people and they all had horrified looks on their faces as the chief started in on Vakirauta's mother's side of the family.
“...” One of the women started to say, but Vakirauta just shook his head and she kept quiet. At the next floor everyone got off even though Vakirauta could see several other floor buttons had been pushed. He sighed again and waited for the Chief to gasp for air.
“Chief?” Vakirauta asked and there was a silence on the other end. “Chief he asked again.
“Sorry V. I got carried away again.” The Chief apologized, “Except for that bit about your mother and the 7th fleet.” Vakirauta sighed again and wondered if it mattered that it was his landlady and not his real mother, but in the chief's mind they were one in the same.
“No problem Chief.” Vakirauta told him and took a deep breath, “We got a new hero on the loose chief.”
“Spoonman?” The Chief asked and Vakirauta nodded even though he was still on the phone, making the motion pointless.
“That's what he's calling himself.” Vakirauta wondered if Ironwoman was taken and then berated himself for even going there.
“You know what this means right?” The Chief asked.
“Yeah. Somewhere out there is a new villain planning their first big hit.” Vakirauta pinched his nose just above his glasses he didn't need, but hey, it worked for Superman!
“Wonder who its going to be this time.” The Chief wondered into the phone, but it wasn't really a question. “Anyhow, get over to the Mayor's office and bring them up to date.”
“Yes sir.” Vakirauta put his phone away and waited for the elevator to finally make it to the ground floor. He hated going to the Mayor's office. Mayor Hernit was attractive enough for an older woman, but her nasally voice was hard on the ears. Think a thought hit him. What about Ironfist of Justice? No! No! No! He screamed at himself in his head. Finally the door opened and was able to get away from that horrible elevator music. Whoever made it probably was a villain too.
He was more right than he knew.....

Chapter 3

Back at CSI headquarters, Scrotie McB examined the spoons found in the dead bodies under a microscope. He was jotting notes down, but his mind was racing. A new hero! He should have known this would happen. He had been in the final planning stages of his master plan to be the greatest villain Peril City had ever known.
Who would think to look in the police department's own science section? As lead criminologist, it would be his job to track himself down! He chuckled to himself, but he wanted to use his laugh, his most evil laugh. He had practiced long and hard to get it to break at just the right point to make sure that when he used it, the people around to hear would know they were dealing with a master.
But now this Spoonman could ruin everything! Just like a hero to destroy a villain's hard work. Did people understand how much effort actually went into planning a crime spree? Of course not! They only wanted to know which hero broke it up. Fucking heroes. He had to relax, any harder and he would have broken the microscope pushing it down on the spoon in his anger.
But the spoons were all generic. Bought at any one of a dozen stores in the area or ordered online. He sighed and jotted down some more thoughts. He didn't think the hero would be this easy to zero in on. Just like him, a new hero will take extra steps to disguise themselves to start. But work was work and he would assign on of his technicians to investigate all spoon purchases of the last two years. Waste of time, but he had to maintain a professional demeanor.
“Yo Scrotie!” Scrotie winced he hated Reactor. The incessant upbeat attitude was enough to make him kill laboratory mice with his bear hands. “Another great day in the wonderful city of Peril!” Reactor clapped Scrotie on the shoulder hard enough to hurt, but Scrotie refused to move and kept his gaze on the spoons.
“Reactor.” He said by way of greeting, but kept his head down. He tried to focus on his task at hand, but Reactor's phone went off and the ringtone may have been the most annoying sound he ever heard. He looked up from his microscope to glare at Reactor, but the guy was already chatting away a mile a minute to someone else and walking away.
Scrotie didn't know it, Reactor was planning his own appearance on the villain scene as Fusion. The villain that combines intelligence and audacity. Not that Scrotie would have cared had he known. His plan was completely different. He favored the inconsistent hit them here and then for no reason there approach of villainy. Keep'em guess was his motto.
Reactor was still loud enough to be heard even though he was several rooms away. That guy couldn't sneak up on a deaf and blind cripple. Thought Scrotie and went back to his notes. Reactor was busy being loud, but he too hated it. The always cheerful asshole that everyone hates was a difficult persona to maintain, but he was a perfectionist.
He only worried that his position as the city's Human Resource Manager was too obvious for a villain. Well that and this new hero everyone was talking about. Spoonman. What kind of special stupid was that? But on the other hand, probably wasn't a cryptic play on the hero's real name. Not that Reactor was going to worry about him right now. His plans were still in the planning stages.
Meanwhile Spoonman was sitting in his recliner watching reruns of the Three Stooges and laughing quietly to himself. He was tired, but the adrenaline rush from killing those thugs hadn't worn off yet and he needed to unwind before leaving his secret lair and stepping back out into society as playboy millionaire Lance Bigbooty.
He glanced over at the picture of his parents and the laughter died away again. Everyone said he had been born with a silver spoon in his mouth. Mostly just his parents really, but after they ran away to join the circus and left him home alone, he decided to prove to everyone that being born to obscene riches didn't mean that you didn't have morals and conviction to fight to help the wrongs.
He took another bite of his caviar and winced. He would have to yell at the maid again. She bought Norwegian caviar instead of the Russian again. Plus his champagne was too warm. He didn't know how the little people survived eating domestic caviar. But now he was their hero and he would save them to prove that he was one of them.
He tried to lift his remote to change the channel to see if there was any news about his latest foray, but maybe getting it made out of solid gold had been a mistake. The damn thing weighted a ton! Later on he would have to contact Lachdanan at the lab and have him simply gold plate the next one for him.

Chapter 4

Lachdanan sighed as “Lance” walked around the lab picking up this and that and asking the same stupid questions over and over again. “What's this one do?” or “What's the purpose for this one?” as if everything Lachdanan did was to aid Spoonman!
“Hey L. Did you know that I could have been using something other than spoons?” Spoonman asked and picked up a coffee mug, “What this do?” Lachdanan snatched away the mug and went to the sink to wash the mug out.
“Its a coffee mug. It holds coffee.” Lachdanan said with barely contained disgust, “And do you remember the thousand times I tried to tell you I could design you spoon themed weapons that weren't actually spoons?”
“Huh?” Spoonman was busy turning over and over another object, “What's this one for?”
“That is a paperweight.” Lachdanan took a deep breath and closed his eyes as he wiped his coffee mug dry. He opened his eyes again and had to stop Spoonman from trying to pick up the rocket launcher.
“What...” Spoonman started to ask, but Lachdanan's stare shut him up. “You know I don't use heavy weaponry right?”
“It's not for you.” Lachdanan said and made sure the weapon was securely locked away with the crate of other ones labeled Marital Aids. “I have to turn a profit to keep this place funded.” He gently pushed the box full of drugs under the coffee table with his foot.
“I own the company, how much more do you need?” Spoonman asked, spun and threw a spoon directly into a cardboard cutout of a bad guy. It stuck right in the head above the left eye. He straightened up all pleased with himself.
“You may own the company, but my budget is controlled by the board of directors that you never have time for.” Lachdanan said with acid in his voice, “If I were to wait for you to make sure I had the funding to make your toys, I wouldn't have made this.” He held out a serving spoon with a small computer chip in the concave part. “Its a listening device. Just stick it in a location near where you want to eavesdrop and put this in your ear.” He held out an ear bud.
“Cool.” Spoonman said and put the ear bud in his ear, but looked bewildered. “I don't hear anything.” Lachdanan slowly squeezed his fists until he couldn't take the pain anymore before answering.
“You have to turn the device on first.” He said as if speaking to a child. Spoonman just look more confused. Lachdanan took the spoon that spoonman just kept turning over and shaking, then turned over and gain and shook it some more. “Watch.” Lachdanan ordered and then reached out to grab Spoonman by the ear.
“Ok! Jeeesss!” Spoonman complained but finally focused on what Lachdanan was telling him. “Oh! Turn it on!” He finally said and Lachdanan ran his hand through what was left of his hair. If it wasn't for his secret criminal empire, Lachdanan would have thrown in the towel a long time ago. Sure he had been named Spoonman's guardian when his parents left for the circus, but he had grown tired of helping him become a hero.
And while Lachdanan was able to use the Bigbooty corporation to cover most of his illegal transactions, helping Lance to become Spoonman had not been part of his original plan. He feared one day that he might have to remove Lance from the Board of Directors the hard way. Then moving his drugs and guns might get unwanted attention from whoever takes over. Oh why didn't he take MoonYu's advice and just run for office?
Six indictments, served two years for racketeering, found with both a dead hooker and a live man, yet MoonYu just got re-elected for a fourth term. Lachdanan guessed that if you truly had no morals, you could make it in this city.
“Hey! What's this do?”
Lachdanan didn't bother to turn around.