Return of the Mooned

It was raining again. A steady drizzle that match my mood all too well. Off in the distance, I could hear thunder as the worst of the storm passed uptown. But here it was just enough to soak everything without the decency to actually wash anything. The dirt on the walls and cars merely got wet. My shoes were getting soaked too, but none of the mud washed off. I sighed and tried look at the map again, but water had gotten into my cheap flashlight and the ink on the map was now an almost unreadable mess anyway.
“Fuck me.” I said to myself and threw the flashlight into the trash can next to the bench I was sitting on. I was tempted to throw the map away to, but folded it up and put it back into my interior coat pocket. That was a mistake too. The damp map now soaked through the pocket and now my shirt was damp too.
How do I keep getting sucked into these things? God must hate me. All I wanted to do was retire and enjoy what remained of my life on the beach. I would have too had the hurricane not washed my cottage away. Now my one little strip of beach I had been able to afford, was underwater.
It left me little choice, but to go back to the States and back to my shitty little office. Peachii acted like I had never been gone. Mostly to get me to pay the back rent. I would have protested, but I knew I would lose and gave her the last of my cash. But I needed work if I was to survive and I had only sat down in my chair for five minutes when the door opened and in walked John Grammaticus like he owned the place.
“I don't like to be kept waiting Moon.” He snarled and threw the map are me. I wasn't in the mood for witty banter and threw it back.
“Get lost.” I replied and he turned beet red, but managed to contain his anger.
“I don't have time for games.” He said through clenched teeth and slapped the map down hard on my desk. “One week. Find it or I'll be back with some people you rather not meet.” I don't take threats very well and this time was no different, but on the other hand, I was going to need money if I was going to keep my ass off the streets.
“Five G's or fuck off.” I said and sat back in my chair and put my feet up on the desk so that they covered the map. He straightened and glared at me for a good twenty or so seconds, before reaching into his jacket pocket. I tensed, but he brought out his checkbook and I relaxed.
“Half now. Half once you bring me back the bird.” He said almost to quietly to hear. I smiled at him and winked.
“Now was that so hard?” I asked too sweetly. I watched as the red got deeper. I was afraid he might have a stroke in my office! But he took several deep breaths and tore the check out of the book and laid it down on the desk, next to my feet.
“One week.” He snapped and then made a gun with his fingers and pretended to shoot me.
“Ha!” I barked and slapped my hand on the arm of my chair. I was more angry than I had been since Vakirauta shot me in the back. “Now that the pleasantries are out of way, mind telling me what I'm looking for?” That knocked him back a little bit as a look of confusion washed across his face.
“Really?” He asked.
“Eh, yeah.” I replied and he lost some of his color.
“The Vaaltese Kiwi.” He said and looked over his should and back again, “You really didn't know?”
“Never heard of it.” I answered with a smile, but mine faded fast. “You said Vaaltese?” I asked and he nodded. “God hates me.” I said to myself.
“So does everyone else.” Grammaticus said, “Thought you knew that already.”
“Um, that had crossed my mind before, but Vaaltese Kiwi?” I asked again even though I didn't want to know the answer.
“Its a Wraeclastian artifact.” Grammaticus explained, but I had already figured that out.
“And its got some supposed special power.” I said, but he shook his head no.
“Just worth a small fortune and you are going to get it for me.” Grammaticus looked around the office, “And next time, let's meet somewhere that doesn't smell like old sofas.” And with that he left. I watched him go out the door and not even bother to close it behind himself. Bastard. I took my feet off the desk and grabbed the check. Yep, $2500 dollars, dated a week from today! When will I learn?
I grabbed the map, but even though I had been to Wraeclast many times now, some of the continent was still unknown to me. I didn't recognize any of the names of the towns and where I did know, like Sarn wasn't on this map. I was going to need help. That meant calling on Alex Daemon. I just hope he was over our last meeting.

I sat outside Alex's place in the rain and tried to get up the courage to face him again. Our last meeting had not gone well. Vakirauta had finally convinced him to leave and he was sullen, drinking alone in Moonlight33's bar. I tried to cheer him up, but managed instead to both insult and embarrass him before, through not fault of my own, leaving him stuck with the bill.
Now I needed his giant brain and wasn't sure I could face him. I sat there a while longer replaying my apologies in my head and totally failed to notice the person coming up behind me. The gun barrel pressed up against my head did get my attention.
“Let's go Moon.” Fire Kid said, “Lachdanan wants to see you.” I sighed and stood up. I was going to use the distance the bench was going to provide between us to make a break Can't a guy have a little room?” I protested.
“You calling me fat?” Epsilon pushed his gun hard into my ribs.
“I wasn't, but damn boy! You have been putting on the weight!” I laughed until he pulled the trigger. It turned out to be a stun gun and the shock was..., well shocking!
“Always the comedian.” Snarled Fire Kid. I looked at him and a thought struck me.
“What happened to your cult?” I asked him.
“They turned on me! Said I wasn't pure enough to lead them anymore!” He was angry and getting angrier, “Fuck man! All I wanted was a BaconRulez burger. Said I was tainted!”
“Enough!” Whale cut him off, “We're sick of listening about it! Waa waa waa, all fucking day.” Fire Kid didn't like this and I thought I saw a way out of this jam.
“I want to hear more.” I said and got shocked again! “Damn it Whale!”
“All three of you knock it off!” Commanded Cronk from the front. “We're here.” That got all three of us quiet as the cab pulled under the enormous canopy of Lachdanan's mansion. “bunch of fucking whiny ass bitches.” He muttered loud enough for us to hear.
“After you.” I said to Fire Kid and smiled. I got shocked again by Whale! “What the fuck man?”
“It was an accident.” He said and smiled an evil smile. “Now get out and don't try anything stupid this time.”
“Why should this time be any different?” Fire Kid asked as he waved his gun at me to get out.
“If you ever get an answer to that, let me in on it will you?” I said as I stood up and waited for Whale to come around the cab. I could here him and Cronk having words, but couldn't make them out. But if Cronk spinning his tires and sticking his finger out the window was any indication, it wasn't a polite conversation. I looked at Whale and he looked back.
“What?” He demanded
“Lover's quarrel?” I asked nicely and he walked up to me. His large frame sure could make a man feel small!
“Moon?” He asked, sticking his face right into mine.
“Yeah?” I asked.
“Don't look down.” He said and I looked down to his his knee coming up to my groin. “Warned you.” He said as he stepped over my body, now on the ground gasping for air.
“The boss ain't going to like that.” Fire Kid warned him.
“Thanks Kid.” I eked out.
“He hates being kept waiting.” Fire Kid added and also stepped over my body to unlock the door, “Otherwise I'd have done it before now.” I groaned my understanding and slowly got to my knees and with bothh of them just watching, got to my feet.
“Hey Kid, remember that time I shot you?” I asked, still hunched over a little from the pain.
“Yeah, I remember.” He said, his anger showing.
“Sorry I missed.” I said and pushed pass him into the hallway of the mansion. As usual, Lachdanan's place smell of money. The carpeting was worth more than everything I owned put together. On the walls were paintings that may or may not have been the real deal. Leave it to Lachdanan to buy a stolen Maltese and display it out in the open. Even though I had never been in this mansion, I knew the way.
I got to the closed double doors and thought about knocking, but fuck him. I placed a solid kick right below the handles and the doors flew open. To fly shut again right in my face. I closed my eyes for a moment and then slowly pushed the doors open. I looked and on either side was a large spring still quivering.
“You are so predictable.” Lachdanan said from his expensive chair in front of his expensive fireplace, while drinking his expensive scotch from an expensive crystal glass. I sighed and had to agree.

Once again, I was in Lachdanan's place and once again, I couldn't find anything worth drinking. Bastard knew I hated scotch and gin. I opened the fridge and inside was nothing, but a few cans of a cheap American lite beer. Not even a bottle of water!
“Why?” I asked him after closing the door to the fridge, “I know you don't drink that slop.”
“Just for the shear joy of the look on your face. No other reason.” He said with a smile. “Come sit by the fire.” He waved to the floor. He was seated in the only piece of furniture in the room. Another power play. I wanted to tell him to stuff it, but not that politely. Only I was cold, wet and the fire was inviting.
“I just stand thank you.” I answered and rubbed my hands near the flames.
“Suit yourself.” He smiled again and sipped from his glass. “Ah, 20 year old scotch. Too bad you don't like the good stuff, or is it fitting?” He was enjoying this way too much.
“Ever the bastard, huh Lachdanan?” I asked him and his smug smile slipped some.
“Spoken like the tiny man you really are Moon.” His voice was more than a little peeved, “Now I will take the Kiwi off your hands.” He let the gun he had been hiding come into view. I couldn't help, but laugh.
“Think I'm bluffing?” He asked and pulled the hammer back.
“No. I'm sure you would shoot me. Well maybe not here. What and get my common blood all over your nice hardwood floors..” I let it trial off, but I noticed that I was standing on plastic. My face fell and his smile got smug again.
“Last time Moon.” He said.
“If I had, it would be yours, but your goons grabbed me before I could even get going on finding it.” I told him and it was his turn for his face to fall.
“What?” He stammered.
“Me no got bird yet.” I said in a sarcastic tone and rolled my eyes for good measure.
“But, ...But...,” Lachdanan had a lost look in his eyes.
“Hey great conversation Lachdanan, but I really need to go talk to Daemon.” I said and used my feet to push the plastic out from under me. Lachdanan was now staring towards the doors and his mouth was open as he worked through what had happen.
“Fire Kid and Whale?” He looked back at me.
“Grabbed me way too soon.” I finished the thought for him. I was pleased to see it finally start to register and his hand slowly gripped the gun tighter as his hand turned white from the strain. “Anyway. Grammaticus is paying me five grand for it, your offer?” Lachdanan got that stupid look on his face again before it cleared up and his normal ruthless veneer came back.
“I'll save you a lot of trouble. Grammaticus was never going to pay you, neither am I, but bring it to me and I'll see that the BLOW doesn't kill you.” He smiled again.
Forgive my ignorance, BLOW?” I asked and he nodded.
“The Bird Lovers of Wraeclast. Its a cover for the true rulers of the world.” He explained.
“You mean like the Illuminati?” I asked and he dismissed them with a wave of his glass.
“Wannabes. Them and the other groups.” Lachdanan sat back again, “All of them. You've heard about them right?” I nodded. “But you never heard of these people. The ones really in charge, the ones really running the planet.”
“That's great. What's that got to do with anything?” I asked and looked around. I was getting bored and really wanted to sit down.
“Fool!” He hissed, “What do people with money and power want? More money and more power! But what do you do after you have all the power and all the money?” I shrugged.
“I give up. What?” I waited and he shrugged.
“I'm not really sure either. I've tried to join, but so far nothing. I'm hoping bringing them the Vaaltese Kiwi will do the trick this time.” He admitted.
'What's so special about it?” I asked.
“I'm not really sure.” Lachdanan deals in information and admitting not knowing hurts him like nothing else. “Oh, there are the normal rumors. It being made of a single diamond, or made out of the rarest metals, nothing concrete though.”
“And why now?” I shifted my weight from one foot to the other, but I couldn't help it. I needed to use the bathroom and quickly.
“What do you mean?” He asked.
“Why the sudden interest?” I looked over my shoulder and excused myself. I hurried to the bathroom. When I got back, Lachdanan had refilled his glass, but otherwise looked like he had moved.
“So?” I asked and made sure the plastic was pushed as far away as possible.
“So what?” He stared at me blankly. I sighed and thought about just leaving, but to what? My squalid office?
“This Kiwi, it must have been around for sometime.” I said and he nodded,
“So why does everyone suddenly want it?”
“Eh. Never thought about it that way.” He pursed his lips in deep thought, or so I hoped, “Not that it matters. What does matter is Grammaticus wants it and that alone is enough reason to retrieve it first. Now shoo, shoo.” He made a dismissive gesture with his hand and I narrowed my eyes. I was still too far away to lunge at him. He still had the gun in one hand and made sure it stayed pointed me.
“I will need some travellng money.” I told him.
“Then you best go get some.” He smiled, “And would you mind putting the plastic down by the door before you go? I need to speak with Whale and the Kid.”

I left Lachdanan's place and stared out into the gloom. The storm had passed, but everything was is wet and a chill was in the air. The warmth of the fireplace was already gone and only the sound of the shots behind me gave me any solace. I turned up my collar and walked out into the fading light. I didn't get far before a limousine pulled up and a gun stuck out.
“Get in Mr. Moon.” Bhavv said.
“Good, I was hoping to catch a ride.” I said as I climbed in. From the outside, the Limousine looked rich, but the inside was spartan and rather worn.
“Enough frivolities Moon. Where's the bird?” Bhavv demanded as the limousine sped off.
“Et tu Bhavv?” I laughed, but I could see he didn't get it, “You too..., Bhavv? It's a line from..,” But he cut me off.
“I know what its from jackass!” His grip on the gun began to worry me, “But for your sake, you better not have already given it to Lachdanan!”
“Well, you can relax then. He doesn't have it. I don't have it, Grammaticus doesn't have it.” I told him and he looked puzzled.
“What?” He asked, “What?” He asked again.
“I..., don't..., got …, it.” I made fake sign language motions with my hands as I said it.
“But.., but...” He stuttered and looked towards the driver. I took the opportunity to punch in him the face and take the gun away. He howled as he held his nose. I pulled the slide back and was shocked to to see there weren't any bullets!
“Why?” I asked him as I threw the gun out the window.
“Because I need the bird Moon!” He pleaded.
“I mean why no bullets?” I tried again.
“Oh, I don't like guns.” He said and I nodded. “But he does.” He motioned towards the driver. The limousine screeched to a stop and the driver pointed a large caliber hand cannon at me. “Say hi to Jack Mayhoffer.”
“Hi Jack.” I said.
“Give him the bird Moon.” Mayhoffer growled.
“Would if I could, but can't, so I wont.” I said with a smile. He responded by pulling the hammer back. “Seriously. You guys keep jumping me before I can even get going! I still haven't the faintest clue where to begin even looking!” I protested, but Bhavv reached into my coat and grabbed the map. “Except for that.” I added. Bhavv unfolded with a wicked smile, until he actually saw that most of the map was ruined. His smiled faded and I thought he was going to cry! But suddenly he hiccuped. And again.
“Oh great!” Mayhoffer shouted and opened his door and then opened the door closest to Bhavv.
“What? What I do?” I felt like a man drowning in his own sink.
“He gets the hiccups when he's upset!” Mayhoffer explained as he tried to get Bhavv to drink some water, but the hiccups were too strong and frequent. The water just went everywhere.
“I can help.” I offered and they both looked at me and Bhavv nodded between hiccups. I grabbed the bottle of water and held it up above his head and they both watched as I slowly began to let the water near the opening. Then I punched him in the gut, and threw the rest at Mayhoffer as I opened my door and made a run for it.
Several shots rang out and I could swear one of the bullets just missed me! I dove over a park bench and slid under a pine bush. I could hear Mayhoffer run up to the bench and stop as he looked for me. I could have touched his shoes, I was so close, but it was dark now and he couldn't see me. From behind, Bhavv called out.
“Forget him. I have the map! And my hiccups are gone!” He yelled and I watched as Mayhoffer finally gave up and walked back to the limousine. I sighed and waited for them to drive off before climbing out from under the bush. Now I was wet, covered in mud and I had lost the only thing I had to help me find this stupid Kiwi!
“God must hate me!” I shouted to the skies.
“So does everyone else, but I thought you knew that.” I_NO said and waved her gun to get me walking in the right direction.

We walked for a couple of blocks before I_NO stopped me and pointed down a dark alley.
“If you want the bird, might as well shoot me now. I don't got it.” I told her and she laughed.
“Silly Moon. I don't care about the Kiwi, but my new employer does.” She knocked on a door twice, then once more. But nothing happened. She did it again, but again nothing. I could see her getting angry even with the limited light available. “Open the fucking door already!” She hissed.
'Wrong door dumbass.” came a familiar voice down the alley. She looked at the door again and sighed.
“My bad.” She said and pushed me in the back towards the open door ahead. We got to the door and there was VictorDoom.
“Thought I recognized the voice.” I said with a smile, but Doom didn't return it.
“Get inside.” Was all he said and closed the door behind us. The room was white and the usual table was right in the middle of the room. “Sorry about not having any chairs, but they're backordered.” He told me.
“So how we going to do this?” I asked nicely. Victor and I were not friends by any stretch of the imagination.
“Standing up.” He said in his toneless accent. I forgot he didn't have much of a sense of humor if at all.
“You want the Vaaltese Kiwi.” I started and he nodded, “Why?” I asked and he looked at I_NO, but she just shrugged.
“I guess because everyone else wants it too.” He said.
“Works for me.” I_NO said.
“Yeah, that's great. Listen, Lachdanan mentioned BLOW....” I put it out there.
“Yes I know. I use to be a member before your escapades got me kicked out.” He didn't smile, or grimace.
“No hard feelings about that, right?” I asked. I_NO was busy playing with her gun. Twirling it in and out of its holster.
“I try not to have feelings. They get in the way.” Doom looked for something to sit on and settled for the edge of the table.
“Well, you're doing a great job. Now if you can get to the point. I've had a rough day and really need to take a hot shower and get into some clean, dry clothes.” I told him, but he didn't blink or even move. I_NO had put her gun away and was now playing catch with her switchblade. “Um.” I didn't know what to say next.
“Get the bird. Bring it to me. I will reward you.” Victor said tonelessly.
“OK.” I looked wide eyed towads I_NO, but she just shrugged. “His he a robot?” I hooked my thumb towards Doom.
“Yep. Third generation. Best one yet.” She answered and cut herself with the blade. “Fuck!” I stared at Victor and sure enough, his eyes didn't follow my motions properly.
“Why?” I asked.
“Oh, that's because Doom prefers drinking on a beach. So he had a bunch of robots built to do his dirty work for him.” I_NO said like it was nothing.
“I prefer drinking on a beach too, but yet here I am.” I held out my arms.
“Can't help it if you are too big an idiot to build a robot to do your work for you.” I_NO said and put her cut finger in her mouth.
“And what about you?” I gave her an are you stupid too look.
“I like hurting people. Robots could do it for me, but I would lose out on the fun of it all.” She smiled and sucked on her finger again.
“Gotcha.” I said with a smile. I looked at the Doom Robot and had a thought. “Victor, you listening in?”
“Of course.” Came his voice over a speaker.
“Where's the Bird?” I asked.
“Wraeclast.” He answered.
“Then why bring me here?” I asked and there was a pause.
“I..., I promised I_NO she could hurt someone and she picked you.” He answered, “Sorry about that. See you once you get the bird for me.” And the speaker clicked off.
“You're not really going to hurt..” I didn't get the rest out before she kicked me in the shin, “OW!”
“Relax. You'll be fine tomorrow.” She said with a smirk and turned to do a run up against the wall before using it to launch a kick at my head! Only I was expecting it and used her momentum to throw her into the next wall. She crumpled to the floor. Great! Now I feel bad for hurting a woman!
I went to see if she was alright, but when I turned her over, I got a fist right to the wrong place!
“Oomph!” I got out before she grabbed a handful of my goatee and used it to help bring her knees up! I don't remember much after that other than hearing some giggling and the occasional wave of pain between moments of consciousness.