Knights of the Mooned

THE QUEST OF STORMQUAKE (part1)

StormQuake rode out in a dark mood. His ploy had failed miserably! It wasn't that Bhavv wasn't a bad person, it was just that he couldn't go ten minutes without whining about something. Today was no different. They only got to the Castle gates when Bhavv started in on picking out the wrong horse.
“I hope you understand.” Bhavv said in a voice that had been known to make babies cry. “I like this horse and all, but I think I chose one that is slightly too large for me. I mean I already have bowed legs, but this is only going to make it worse.” StormQuake closed his eyes because of the pain of it all.
“I guess I should get use it it, but next time I'm not going to let that stable hand tell me which horse to take. He was nice enough and trying to be helpful, but I think he just picked the first horse we came too. I notice things like that. I'm very sharp at picking up nonverbal clues.” Bhavv said as StormQuake rode just ahead to try and get some distance between them. But Bhavv kept up and StormQuake increased his speed a little more.
“I know we're in a hurry and everything I hope we find the Kings trophy and everything, but at this pace I'm going to have blisters on my butt. I can't stand blisters and the ones on your butt are the worst! Now I've heard Xpire complaining about blisters on his feet, but let me tell you that blisters on the butt are far more painful.”
“I can think of worse pains.” StormQuake couldn't resist, but wish he hadn't.
“I know! I have this tooth that hurts all the time and if I drink something cold its twice as bad. I hope we aren't going to have to drink cold water on this trip.” Bhavv sounded sad. “I don't like being cold, makes me whiny.” He reproted and StormQuake had to stop his horse and turn around. Bhavv had a completely serious look on his face!
“We are going to the Frozen Wastelands, you know.” StormQuake hoped that Bhavv would try to back out of this trip and he could travel alone in peace.
“Oh I know! Terrible thing the King not letting you go South. Its warm South. But I'm just happy you choose me. The other Knights don't like me much and I can't figure out why!” Bhavv sighed, “Just like life I guess.”
“What?” StormQuake had turned back to the road, but this stopped him in his tracks! “What's just like life?”
“Everything.” Bhavv said in a deeply sorrowful voice. “Not that I mind much. I got use to it.”
“Wait! How is everything like life?” StormQuake wish he didn't ask and knew he wouldn't like the answer, but this was too much to ignore!
“How isn't it?” Bhavv asked him back and waited patiently for the answer. StormQuake sat there with his jaw open and unblinking. Finally he snapped out of it and was shocked! He had been put in some sort of trance by Bhavv! He had no idea how it happened, but it scared him.
Uh..., enough talking for now. There could be..., um, bandits up ahead!” He smiled to himself. That ought to shut him up for awhile!
“Oh I hate bandits!” Bhavv whined in a high tone that dropped way too far at the end. “Must be a miserable life. Glad I don't have to do it.”
StormQuake couldn't hide his shudder this time! They had been gone less than an hour and he wasn't sure he would make it two!
“Its just bandits never know when they are going to eat or even if the people they are attacking have any money or anything worth the effort for that matter.” Bhavv sounded even sadder, if that was possible. “Except for that Spoonman and his troupe of merry men. I got robbed by them once. Did a nice little dance before taking my money.” Bhavv brightened for moment, then got depressed again. “Of course it was the money I owed my landlord and he kicked me out because I couldn't pay him.”
StormQuake's eyes were beginning to glaze over. Why? Why had he tested Lachdanan? Lachdanan had a reputation of not taking advice to spite the giver. StormQuake had been sure that Lachdanan would then assign him someone good thinking he was assigning someone bad.
“Careful want you for.” He said to himself, but Bhavv heard him and started to regale him with a story of how Bhavv had once found a bottle with a genie in it that would grant one wish and it had got badly. StormQuake thought he could feel blood starting to drip from his ears! This was going to be a long quest!

THE QUEST OF JOHNGRAMMATICUS (part1)

Grammaticus was stewing in his saddle as he waited for Moist to finish strapping his saddle on his mount.
“Can never be too careful!” Moist said with a smile.
“Yes you can.” Grammaticus replied and took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Moist had an annoying habit of always being right behind him whenever he spoke to the King. And as the King's Sargent at Arms, he was always near the King.
“Listen John. May I call you John?” Moist tested the saddle again and started unbuckling it yet again and moved it a faction of a hair before starting the buckling all over again.
“You may not. Its Duke John the Grammaticus, Count of Monte Frisco, Lord of Lions Den, Chief Knight of the order of Nee!” He said proudly and stared off into the distance.
“Yeah, that's too much. I'll just call you John.” Moist said and finally mounted his horse. He sat there adjusting his weight and testing the saddle while Grammaticus wondered if the King would notice if Moist's head was to adorn the top of the flag pole?
“If it's too much for you, maybe you should seek an easier job somewhere else, like peasant or whore.” Grammaticus said with contempt he didn't bother to hide.
“Yeah, I've spoken to the King quite often about moving up to a new position.” Moist replied, ignoring the scorn. He knew that would bother Grammaticus even more. “Shall we be off then?” He swept his hand towards the gates.
“Just remembering something the King once said to MoonYu.” Grammaticus smiled a very tight lipped smile.
“And what would that be.” Moist asked.
“Hey! If I don't see you later, so what.” Grammaticus spurred his horse and rode fast towards the gates.
“I'll have to remember that one.” Moist said quietly and spurred his horse too. Unlike the other Knights, Grammaticus traveled with a small army of personal body guards and Moist had to be careful. He was going to make sure that when the time came, the guards would be loyal to him instead, but for now..., he fell in behind Grammaticus and kept his mouth shut.
They rode Southwest and the sun was warm before and only getting hotter. The land quickly gave way to more scrub brush and sandy grounds. Not much grew this way and the peasant hovels quickly were behind them.
“Hey John!” Moist rode up next to him. Grammaticus glared at him, but didn't correct him.
“What is it?” He asked with a resigned voice.
“The King as sent the Knights in all directions to look for this Vessel of Udja.” Moist pointed out like a student setting a teacher up for a stupid question.
“And?” Grammaticus sighed.
“Well one of us is going to come across the Dragon instead.” Moist looked behind him at the guards trailing behind.
“And?” Grammaticus didn't see where this was going.
“And he didn't tell us which direction the Dragon was last spotted in.” Moist smiled.
“I still fail to see what you are getting at.” Grammaticus let his feeling be known with a wither glare.
“I know.” Moist laughed, “That's the point!” and with that he let his horse fall back a little again behind Grammaticus's.
“A little knowledge can be a dangerous thing.” Grammaticus said, but no one heard him, which suited him fine. It was going to be a long trip and there would be plenty of opportunity to make sure that Moist became Dragon Chow before heading back.

IT'S GOOD TO BE THE KING! (part1)

Lachdanan walked back to his castle and looked around. With the knights off on their fools quest, the place was rather peaceful. He smiled to himself. He should of thought of this ages ago! He laughed the entire way to his Throne room.
He jumped the last two steps up to it and twirled himself into the throne. Still laughing quietly to himself. It was a good day! He could hardly contain his glee. That was until he saw his steward, Jojas. He was such a buzzkill!
“M'Lord” He said in that low depressing voice of his. It was so low and so quiet, you had to really concentrate on what he was saying. “You have a mesamasgg.”
“What? Speak up for God's sake!” Lachdanan sighed heavily. Today was going so well!
“I said you have a message.” Jojas repeated himself without changing his volume.
“And?” Lachdanan asked him.
“And what M'Lord?” Jojas replied softly. Lachdanan grabbed a fist full of his hair and slowly pulled it until he couldn't take it anymore.
“And what pray tell is this message?” He managed to ask without screaming. His wonderful mood had been shattered!
“The Elders wish a meeting sire.” Jojas answered.
“Oh shit! Not so loud!” Lachdanan looked around the Throne room, but with everyone sent out on the quest for the Vessel of Udja, there wasn't anyone to worry about.
“Shall I tell them that sire?” Jojas asked with his head down.
“What?” Lachdanan had to ask again. He hated it when Jojas did that speak to the floor thing! Made it impossible to understand anything! “Oh never mind! I take care of this!” And he rose and almost tripped when he stepped the edge of his cape. “Fuck!”
“Yes M'Lord.” Jojas said and bowed as he backed slowly out of the room. Lachdanan squinted. Did he just miss something? Fuck it! He hated these meetings with the Elders!
He got to his private study and did a quick look around the room before pushing the hidden switch to open a secret passage. The corridor was dark, but he knew it well. He made his way quickly and very soon he could see the glow of lights up ahead. The Elders were waiting for him.
“Brother Lachdanan.” Pavshaus said by way of greeting.
“Brother Pavshaus, Brother AlexDaemon, Brother EpsilonWhale. Good to see you all.” He lied. He hated this place, but he knew they would never change it.
“We have some questions for you Brother Lachdanan.” AlexDaemon said and sat back and folded his arms.
“Whatever.” Lachdanan answered and picked at a loose thread on his shirt.
“Well played Brother Lachdanan.” Pavshuas put his feet up on the table. Lachdanan sighed. He waited and looked around the room with indifference.
“Well played indeed Brother Lachdanan.” EpsilonWhale said. He put his hands behind his head and leaned back in his seat.
“Hey this is all great and all, but you summoned me. Remember?” Lachdanan wished he could use his powers of being King here, but knew that would never work. They simply didn't care.
“Whatever Brother Lachdanan. Listen we were sitting around and someone mentioned that we haven't seen our leader in some time. Any news of MoonYu?” AlexDaemon asked and flicked at something on his shoulder.
“Last I heard, he was still stuck on the beach.” Lachdanan infromed them and there was a general mummer of approval.
“Guess that's why he's the leader of this..., what are we again?” Pavshaus asked, but the other two were busy not being busy.
“You are the Elders of the Council of MEH!” lachdanan nearly shouted, but was able to keep his voice down.
“Thought we voted to change it to the Guild of Meh.” EpsilonWhale pointed out.
“Sort of. I got the votes here.” AlexDaemon held up a blank slate.
“There's nothing written there.” Lachdanan pointed out and AlexDaemon nodded.
“Yeah. The vote was none to none to change the name. We really couldn't be bothered.” He told Lachdanan.
“So why summon me?” He asked them again.
“Pretty sure we had a good reason, but now what's the point?” Pavshaus muttered and the other two nodded their heads in agreement.
“Gotcha.” Lachdanan said and sighed again and left them there not doing much. “I wish someone would invent advil already.”