Knights of the Mooned

“Knights! I bid you welcome to the Court of Sarn!” King Lachdanan said and gestured with his arms for them to take their seats. It didn't go well. No one had been assigned a seat before hand and all wanted to sit right next to the King. Except for Hardlicker. He had drank some of VictorDoom's home brew the night before and the gas he was passing was unbelievably bad.
“Stop it!” Shouted Lachdanan, and everyone stopped pushing and shoving each other. Only Xpire took the opportunity to slide into the seat next to the throne. “Sir Xpire! Out!” Sheepishly, he got back out of the chair and joined the others.
“What's that stench?” Sir Totalbackline asked and VictorDoom grinned.
“I know.” He said and was rewarded with a dinner roll off his forehead. “Fuck!” He screamed and launched himself at Hardlicker. Only Fire Kid had tied his boot strings together and he fell face first to the floor.
King Lachdanan turned to his Sargent at Arms The Duke of Grammaticus and gave him a look. He understood and raised his hands towards his men. They stepped forward and blew into their horns.
“Jesus!” Lachdanan had to cover his ears as they had blown them right next to his head! But it had the desired effect and the Knights stopped trying to kick each other in the groin. “And someone open a window!” He ordered.
“M' lord!” Sir Rotunda knelt before Lachdanan, “Might your humble servant be permitted to sit by your side?”
“Kiss ass.” Sir Vakirauta said in a sotto voice. Sir Xpire gently elbowed him to agree.
“Rise Sir Rotunda the Overly Enthusiastic. I will have a seating chart drawn up later. Till then, we will all continue to stand.” Lachdanan said and a collective groan went around the room. “And which ever person is responsible for that smell....” He gave up and just shook his head.
“Your Majesty! Why have you called your best knights here today?” Sir StormQuake asked and everyone rolled their eyes.
“Sir StormQuake the Shallow, I have called you here to today for two reasons! The first is I have mission of great importance! A mission I do not expect most of you to survive if I’m lucky!” Lachdanan again raised his arms, but was interrupted.
“It's the Shadow, not shallow.” StormQuake corrected him.
“What?” Lachdanan was thrown off his prepared remarks and looked around the room for help. He turned to Grammaticus, “I thought you said he was shallow!” A chuckle spread through the room except for StormQuake. “Oh! Never mind.”
“Please my Lord! What is the second reason you brought us here?” Sir Vakirauta asked. He didn't really care, but he was getting hungry and they couldn't eat until the King did.
“The second reason?” Lachdanan again looked confused. StormQuake had ruined his timing and he felt lost. But Grammaticus leaned into him and whispered something in his ear. “Oh right! The Second reason I have brought you here today is because there's a dragon on the loose.”
“A dragon?” Sir Fire Kid squeaked!
“Yes a dragon Sir Fire Kid the Damp. It's not bothering anyone and is keeping to itself, but I want it gone. Any of you that survive the quest can then go an get rid of the dragon.” Lachdanan smiled. That ought to thin the herd out some. Lazy fuckers were eating into his profit margin!
“What is this quest of Lord?” Sir Hardlicker asked.
“I have been charged by God!” Lachdanan pointed a thumb at himself, before changing it to a finger to the sky, “To recover the most Holy Vessel of Udja!”
“The what?” Rotunda raised his hand.
“Its the Stupid jar stupid.” Hardlicker told him.
“That's right Sir Hardlicker the Intoxicated. God has Decreed that the Vessel of Udja be forever secured from the hands of man!” Lachdanan Sat down in his throne feeling that he had just overcome enormous odds.
“So he wants us men to secure it from ourselves?” Vakirauta shrugged and was elbowed again by Xpire. This time he pushed back and they two of them had to be separated.
“Sir Totalbackline, will you and Sir MoonYu kindly throw Vakiruata and Xpire out the window?” Lachdanan looked around the room, “Where's Moon?”
“He sent this letter M'Lord.” Grammaticus handed Lachdanan a scroll. Lachdanan opened it and started laughing.
“And?” VictorDoom asked. The rest wanted to know too.
“He's stuck on the beach again.” Lachdanan let out a barking laugh and the rest joined him until he waved his hand and they all stopped except for Vakirauta. He couldn't help himself and had to helped from the room.
“I think I pissed myself!” He said wiping away the tears.
“I've had enough for today! We'll meet again tomorrow and I will assign you your teams!” Lachdanan motioned to Grammaticus who stepped forward.
“Right! You don't have to go home! But you can't stay here!” He shouted and pointed to his guards to start pushing the Knights out of the room.
“Should have thought of this sooner.” Lachdanan said to himself and took a long pull from his goblet. “Christ! What the fuck is this shit!” He stared into the goblet and made several sour faces at it.
“Sir VictorDoom's the Easily Annoyed special brew.” Grammaticus said and made a waving motion in front of his face like he had smelled something bad.
“Remind me never to drink that again.” Lachdanan said and poured the rest onto the floor.
“Yes M'Lord.” Grammaticus said and made a two handed choking motion behind Lachdanan's back.
“I can see your reflection is the goblet you know.” Lachdanan told him and he stiffened and shuddered before leaving the room. Lachdanan sighed and looked into the empty goblet. “Some days it just doesn't pay to be King.”

The next morning the Knights waited outside the castle on horseback. Each wearing their best armor and wishing they hadn't. The sun was up and the suits were getting very warm while they waited for the King to arrive.
“He better hurry the fuck up!” Sir Xpire complained, “I gotta take a piss!”
“Nobody asked you!” Hissed VictorDoom.
“If he waited for anyone to ask, he never say anything!” Hooted Sir Fire Kid.
“Oh laugh it up Kid!” Xpire warned him, “I saw who you were with last night!”
“Oh leave him alone.” Rotunda ordered him.
“Or what?” Sneered Xpire. “I've fought fat lesbians tougher than you!”
“Oh it is on bitch!” Rotunda began to draw his sword, but the horns announced the arrival of the King.
“Lucked out again Rotunda.” Vakirauta told him quietly.
“Saw him coming.” Rotunda admitted.
“Ah.” Vakirauta nodded.
“Wish they would stop with the horns already.” Hardlicker was swaying slightly back and forth on his mount.
“They did.” Fire Kid told him and he opened his eyes.
“I wish the horns in my head would stop already.” Hardlicker corrected himself. “Fuckers can't keep a beat for nothing.”
“Knights of the Kingdom of Sarn! Good morning.” Lachdanan said and raise a goblet of tea towards the knights before him. “I hope you all had a good nights sleep!” And chuckled to himself at the bad joke.
“Get on with it!” Xpire shouted.
“Sir Xpire the Abusive, I understand your excitement and will make this as quick as possible.” Lachdanan replied.
“That would be a first.” VictorDoom said, but Lachdanan ignored him.
“I have decided that you will go off in different directions and search the farthest corners of the lands for the Vessel of Udja!” He proclaimed.
“Why?” Fire Kid asked.
“What?” Lachdanan asked him back.
“Why separate us? That would make it more likely that if we run into trouble, we will be overwhelmed.” He pointed out.
“Exactly! I mean, if you all go off in the same direction and that direction is away from the Vessel it come take you years to find it!” Lachdanan paused, “Although....”
“Enough! Just let me go and start killing things and people!” Vakirauta complained loudly.
“Vakirauta you shall go North and take ImRight with you as your squire!” Lachdanan ordered.
“What the fuck! How did I get wrapped up in this?” ImRight bitched.
“Warned you about fondling the Kings pigeons.” Rotunda told him. ImRight let his head hang and grabbed a mule with Vakirauta's chests and started after him.
“Hurry ImRight! I want to be killing things before lunch!” Vakirauta shouted at him.
“Killing things before lunch.” ImRight muttered under his breath.
“What was that?” Vakirauta demanded.
“I didn't say anything your royal high-ass.” He smiled and Vakirauta gave him a look. Had he heard him right?
“What about the rest of us M'Lord?” Rotunda asked.
“Rotunda, you shall go East with Vaultzlnex!” Lachdanan pulled a scroll down more. And Fire Kid shall go South with Upandatem.!”
“Oh God no!” UpandAtem cried!
“How do you think I feel about it bitch!” Fire Kid snapped back at him.
“At least let me go with Hardlicker!” Upandatem pleaded. “At least he's a fun drunk!”
“No.” Lachdanan did a little wave with his fingers to shoo them off.
“Ah man.” Fire Kid and Upandatem said at the same time and glared at each other.
“May I go West!” Xpire asked.
“Ah.” Lachdanan looked at the scroll. “I have you going Northeast into the bitter reaches of the coldest desert, so no.” Lachdanan pointed at JuiceBox360, off with you.”
“Jesus! What did I do to deserve this?” JuiceBox360 looked at Xpire. “Seriously! What? Did I piss on the royal roses or something?”
“And to the West shall go Hardlicker with BoltThrower87!” Lachdanan shouted even through most had left and the noise level was fairly low now.
“Yes!” BoltThrower87 pumped his fist.
“Why you so happy?” Hardlicker asked as he tried to stay upright in his saddle.
“Oh, no reason...” BoltThrower87 replied cryptically.
“Who's left?” Lachdanan asked Grammaticus.
“Sir VictorDoom and Sir StormQuake I believe Sire.” Grammaticus told him.
“Um. That will take care of Southeast and Southwest. VictorDoom! Take GrammerPolise and go SouthEast to the lands of Lions!”
“Swell. Land of lions with a worthless wart on the arse of the Earth.” VictorDoom whined.
“Awww, you're not completely worthless.” GrammerPolise told him while sharpening a fileting knife. VictorDoom looked at him not understanding his insult had been thrown right back him.
“And I am to go Southwest M'Lord?” StormQuake stood as upright as he could in his saddle. “And may I take Bhavv with me?” It was a ploy. He hated Bhavv and figured the King would assign someone else.
“Sure, but go Northwest into the frozen wastes.” Lachdanan grinned. Everyone hated Bhavv. Even Bhavv hated himself and let everyone know it loudly.
“Maybe I can get killed this time. My life sucked before this, so might as well get it over with. Hope there's no reincarnation. Couldn't bear to be me again.” He said as he followed the very upset StormQuake out of the grounds. This had gone so wrong!
“Sir? Who is to ride to the Southwest?” Grammaticus asked him.
“MoonYu was suppose to go, but never mind about him.” Lachdanan looked around the nearly empty grounds and thought struck him. “How about you take Moist with you Grammaticus?” He asked lightly, but Grammaticus knew he was fucked. “You know full well that Moist wants my job!”
“And? You find the Vessel and bring it back and I'll see to it that Moist is taken care of.” Lachdanan made a slashed throat sigh with his hand.
“And if I don't.” Grammaticus asked him.
“That would be most unwise.” Lachdanan said with an evil smile. “Ta ta.” And with that he left the grounds, only to get the horns blaste in his ears again as his pasts the guards. “Stop that! One more time and I have the lot of you shot!” One of them started to say something, but Lachdanan cut him off. “I know gunpowered hasn't been invented yet! But catapults have!”

THE QUEST OF VAKIRAUTA (Part 1)

Vakirauta rode North a quick pace until he realized that ImRight was walking the mule behind him at a leisurely clip.
“Get a move on! There's people and things to kill!” Vakirauta shouted, waving his sword in circles above his head.
“Ah, I don't have a horse and this mule is overloaded as is.” ImRight pointed out. “What the hell are you packing anyway?” Vakirauta let his sword fall to his side. This was not going the way he envisioned.
“Ah.” He said, but was at a loss. He tried to scratched his head this the hilt of his sword, but he helmet was in the way. “Um.” He tried again, but nothing.
“Scintillating conversation too. What more could a person want?” ImRight said. Scorn dripping from each word.
“Hey listen. I'm going to ride ahead and kill something. Do try and catch up.” Vakirauta told him and spurred his horse off again.
“Whatever.” ImRight said as he kept up his light pace, unwilling to walk faster. He watched as Vakirauta crested a hill a little way ahead and then disappear. “My name is vakirata and I'm the toughest knight in the land.” He said mockingly to himself, “Kill kill kill. All I ever want to do is kill...”
Up ahead, Vakirauta was getting depressed. The woods were empty. Not even a rabbit to slaughter, let alone a bandit! He was not pleased being stuck with ImRight either. He would just kill him, but then who would mind his belongings? He just couldn't win today!
“How could it get worse?” He shouted to the sky and got rained on for his answer. “I had to ask.”
“Ask what?” came a voice. Vakirauta pulled his sword again!
“Who goes there?” He demanded.
“Who go where?” Came the voice again. It seemed to be all around him!
“Come out where I can see you!” He shouted and did the sword waving over his head again.
“Why?” The voice asked. Vakirauta paused mid swing.
“Errrr.” He mumbled.
“You know its raining right?” The voiced asked him.
“And?” Vakirauta was trying to stare through the mists now forming around the trees as the rain turned cold.
“And I don't want to get wet. Duh.” The Voice told him.
“Who are you?” Vakirauta still couldn't tell where the voice was coming from.
“Oh! My bad. I'm Avramovic.” Avramovic told him.
“Avramovic the Monster of the Black Woods?” Vakirauta asked with glee! Now here was an opponent worthy of his skills!
“I prefer just Avramovic, but my publicist thinks the whole monster thing is good for my branding. Not that I've sold anymore merchandise.” Avramovic explained. “Come to think of it, I have had less customers recently.”
“That's nice. Mind if I kill you?” Vakirauta asked him.
“Ahh, yeah.” Avramovic replied. “That would really hurt my sales.” As they talked, ImRight finally caught up to them and gave Vakirauta the dirtiest look he had ever seen.
“Kill anything yet?” He asked sarcastically.
“ImRight?” Avramovic asked excitedly.
“Avramovic?” ImRight and Avramovic greeted each other and laughed. Vakirauta put his sword away and muttered curses under his breath.
“Old friends?” He asked.
“Bother from another Mother!” ImRight explained, but Vakirauta clearly didn't understand.
“Our Father, Solwitch the Randy, liked to tap anything that moved.” ImRight tried to explain.
“ImRight's mother was a bar wench and my mother was the creature of the Lake of Horrors.” Avramovic told him. “We use to summer together by Eagle River.”
“That's great. I don't care.” Vakirauta took his helmet off and tossed it to ImRight. “Set up the tent. I'm hungry.” He went and sulked under a tree. Avramovic helped ImRight unpack the crates.
“Two sets of china?” ImRight sneered.
“One set is for normal use and the other is for special occasions. This is not a special occasion.” Vakirauta snarled. This was not going as he planned at all!

THE QUEST OF ROTUNDA (part 1)

Rotunda and Vaultzlnex set off East and when they reached the last hill before getting out of sight, they turned and waved goodbye. No one returned it and the few that saw them do it, pretended they didn't.
“This is going to be great!” Rotunda told him. “I have been waiting for a mission for ages!” He was so excited he did a little dance and spun around.
“Awesome!” Vaultzlnex said and tried to copy it, but almost tripped. They both laughed.
“No no! Its right left, right right, spin.” Rotunda told him and did it again.
“Wow! You are good! I can't believe the other knights thought so little of you!” Vaultzlnex said with a smile. He was completely oblivious to the insult he had just thrown at Rotunda. But then again, so was Rotunda.
“You know none of them can sing worth a hoot right?” He asked.
“Oh my God! I was once forced to listen to Xpire and Hardlicker try to sing while they were drunk and the pain of it all!” they both laughed and began singing show tunes.
And so it went for hours. The two of them reciting lines from funny plays and gossiping about people they knew in the castle, when a masked robber jumped out from behind a tree along the path.
“Aha!” He shouted and menaced them with a sword. “This is a robbery! Hand over all your gold!”
“Hi there!” Rotunda said, bowing deeply. “I am Rotunda the Enthusiastic. Knight extraordinaire from yonder Sarn!”
“And I am his faith companion Vaultzlnex.” Vaultzlnex said, bowing as well.
“Ahhhh, that's great. Um? Just hand over your gold and I'll be on my way...” The robber said.
“Now now, we introduced ourselves. It's only polite to introduce yourself as well fine sir!” Vaultzlnex told him. The robber was dumbstruck.
“Ah, my name is...,” He remembered why he was here, “Never mind my name! Give me all your gold or I'll run you through!”
“Oh don't be shy.” Rotunda chided him. “We're all friends here!”
“Fine! You can call me The Wretch!” He poked at them again with his sword, but they both just stood there grinning.
“Now was that so hard?” Rotunda asked him and turned to Vaultzlnex, “People are in such a rush these days.”
“Oh don't I know it! It's Vaultzlnex hurry and clean the chamber pots! And Vaultzlnex hurry and get the sheets changed before my husband comes home!” Vaultzlnex rolled his eyes. “Its always something!”
“Speaking of something. Can you please hand over your gold?” The Wretch asked, stressing the word please.
“Now that's much better!” Rotunda beamed at him. “A polite world is a nice world.” He bowed again and this time came up with a wand.
“What's that? A magically weapon?” The Wretch demanded. He was worried that he might have underestimated these two!
“No its a bunch of flowers!” Rotunda smiled and with a flick the wand turned into a bunch of fake flowers.
“Oh good gracious! You can do magic tricks too?” Vaultzlnex was clapping wildly as The Wretch slowly let his sword lower down. He couldn't understand how he was losing here! “Can you do the rabbit in the hat trick?”
“Not yet. Xpire keeps killing the rabbits for lunch.” Rotunda with a frown.
“Listen., I got to go. Um nice meeting you?” The Wretch said in a confused tone.
“Bye for now new friend!” Vaultzlnex called to him and he walked away with his head down, shaking it slowly back and forth.
“Now don't be a stranger!” Rotunda shouted and he pretended to pull a coin from behind Vaultzlnex's ear, who squealed with joy!
“Do another!” He demanded.
“That's all I got right now. I'm still working on my act.” Rotunda admitted and the two of them started back down the trail.
“I wonder if that nice man The Wretch will be there when we get back.” Vaultzlnex asked.
“We can only hope.” Rotunda said, “We can only hope...”

The Quest of Fire Kid (Part 1)

Fire Kid and Upandatem traveled in silence for several hours. Each stewing in their hatred for each other. Fire Kid figured he was being tested by God somehow and vowed to not let Upandatem get to him. Meanwhile Upandatem thought he was being tested by the devil and vowed never to give in.
As they traveled in their sullen funk, they passed several persons that tried in vain to ask directions or beg for food, but neither was willing to be the first to speak. Only the horses were enjoying the quiet. The castle grounds often were very loud and out on the open road with this slow pace, they were quite content. But good things come to and end.
Before them was a fork in the road. Fire Kid started down the right fork and Upandatem started down the left. They both stopped and stared at one another. Daring the other to speak. Fire Kid tried to motion with his head for Upandatem to follow him, but Upandatem feigned understanding trying to force Fire Kid to say something and be able to declare victory.
Only Fire Kid wasn't falling for it and stood there with his eyes full of rage and motioned again. Upandatem shrugged and started off down his fork for a few steps to see if that would get a reaction. Fire Kid wanted to scream, but he was made of tougher stuff and sat back in his saddle and counted silently to himself. This serf wasn't going to best him!
Fuck it! He thought to himself and he started down his fork too. Each daring the other. And so it went. Each would take a few more steps farther down the fork and then other would match it down their side. Not only was it getting dark, but they were almost at the point of being out of sight of each other. Finally neither could see the other and they each refused to turn around and started down they respective paths.
That rejoined around the next bend. The entire exercise had been pointless, but neither was willing to laugh about it, or even mention it. They strode down the road some more till they came to a bridge over a small brook. Standing in the middle of the entrance to bridge was a huge man with a huge axe resting in front of him.
“Pay the Toll or die!” He ordered them. But they both thought this was another part of the test and wouldn't answer his challenge. They both simply sat there daring the other to do something. Fire Kid assumed Upandatem would just pay the toll and he could then gloat about afterward that Upandatem had caved, but Upandatem thought that Fire Kid was the Knight and it was his duty to do battle. By not fighting, he figured he must be scared and he wanted to laugh at him, but what if this was another part of the test?
“Well?” The huge man asked, only to be met with stony glares. He shifted his feet a little. “I am Reboticon! The Undefeated! I have bested every man that has stood before me!”
Again, nothing. They both sat on their horses staring at him. Refusing to look at one another. Reboticon closed one eye and then opened it again. He was very confused. He lifted his axe and did a powerful sweep with it to try and get a reaction, but nothing.
“Um, listen. It's getting dark and I have a meal waiting...,” He tried to nod his head towards the bridge. “So if we could just get this battle over with...”
Fire Kid leaned forward a little, but then leaned back again. He was just getting more comfortable in his saddle. Upandatem would be damned if he moved! He considered a point in his favor. Reboticon put the heavy axe back down and looked over his shoulder. He was getting very hungry and he could smell his meal.
“Right. I'm going to go now. So don't try and sneak up on me!” He warned them, but they didn't move. “Fuck me.” He said and dragged his axe across the bridge.
Fire Kid and Upandatem both spurred their horses toward the narrow bridge opening and they had to halt again or touch each other. Their glares at each other could have set the woods on fire or driven lesser men to run for the hills, but this was a test of wills!
The sun finally set on them. Still at the bridge head, daring each other to go first.....

THE QUEST OF XPIRE (part 1)

“Juicebox360!” Shouted Xpire as he wheeled his horse around.
“What?” Juicebox360 asked.
“You will address me in a proper fashion!” Xpire commanded him and Juicebox360 sighed and started again.
“What asshole?” he hid his smirk.
“That's better.” Xpire stopped himself. What do did he just say to me? He thought to himself. “We shall be riding hard and fast, make sure that you keep up!”
“Why and why?” Juicebox360 really didn't care. He knew he was being punished for something, but what? Yeah, he had pissed on the royal roses, the royal shrubbery, even the King's royal pigeon coup. But he was sure no one had seen him do it!
“We ride hard and fast to get this stupid fucking quest over with as fast as possible! And keep up because I need someone to berate everyday or I get a headache. Its a curse or something.” Xpire admitted.
“Joy of joys.” Juicebox360 said to himself as they set off at a fast gallop. They quickly left the royal grounds and raced up the path that led to the Northeast. The fabled lands of Trolls and other annoyances. But as soon as they got out of sight of the last shack, Xpire stopped his horse and got down.
“We rest here tonight!” He shouted and strode over to the nearest tree and sat down with his back up against it.
“What happened to rush rush rush?” Jiucebox360 asked, still sitting on his horse.
“That was just for the king. I'm really quite lazy and plan to do as little as possible.” Xpire then waved his hand towards Juicebox360. “Set the tent up will you?”
“Ahhhhh....” Juicebox360 looked around and closed one eye. “We don't have a tent. Or any supplies that I know of.” He said.
“Damn it! I knew I was forgetting something!” Xpire frowned. “One of us will have to go back and get a tent and plenty of supplies.”
“One of us?” Juicebox360 already knew the answer.
“You. You go get the supplies. Don't worry. I'll still be here when you get back.” Xpire smiled and winked. Juicebox360 rolled his eyes and turned his horse around and start back down towards the castle. He took his time and Xpire watched him go. “Slacker.” He said to himself as he closed his eyes for a nap.
The next morning Xpire was still waiting and sitting under the same tree when Juicebox360 came back with two mules laden with supplies.
“What took you so long?” Xpire demanded to know.
“I decided to sleep in my own bed last night.” Juicebox360 told Xpire. Xpire was fuming! He hadn't had any servants take care of him for over twelve hours now and he was very upset about it!
“Well get busy making my breakfast!” He ordered.
“I already ate.” Juicebox360 told him and kept his slow pace up the trail with the pack mules following behind.
“I! You!...I oughta!” Xpire was stuttering with rage!
“Feel free to stay right there. I'll go get the Vessel of Udja and get all the credit.” Juicebox360 teased him, “Then maybe I'll let you be my squire. Probably not. I'd want someone competent.” Xpire was so enraged that he drew his sword and attacked the tree he had spent the night under. After several minutes, he tired and declared victory. He got back on his horse and started after Juicebox360. He would have to write an account of his heroic battle with the oak tree. He'd change it to a monster or a pack of bandits or something, but he would still be victorious!
“I'm still hungry!” Xpire shouted.
“Too fucking bad! Lunch is several hours away.” Juicebox360 told him and kicked the pace up a little.
“The rest of the adventure better go better than this.” Xpire said to himself as he fell in line behind the mules. He already had a headache.

THE QUEST OF HARDLICKER (part 1)

Hardlicker swayed in his saddle some more, blinking into the sun. He had already forgotten which direction they were suppose to be heading.
“Ah Hardlicker?” BoltThrower87 asked quietly. Hardlicker tried to focus on the blur that was speaking to him.
“Hmmmm?” He asked.
“West is this way.” BoltThrower87 motioned with his head towards the opposite direction.
“Ahhhhh.” Hardlicker replied and started down the path East anyway. BoltThrower87 sighed and rode up to Hardlicker and took the reins to guide his horse round.
“This way sir.” BoltThrower87 was being as gentle as possible. Hardlicker was the easiest Knight to work for provided you didn't make too much noise.
“Right!” Hardlicker shouted and winced at the sound of his own voice. Much quieter, he motioned for his team to follow. BoltThrower87 was amazed to see close to a twenty servants with several wagons fall in behind them. There must have been another twenty or so mules trailing behind them!
“Ah sir? Why so much supplies?” BoltThrower87 asked him. Hardlicker swayed a little more then paused until a servant rode up and handed him another bottle.
“Long trip. Don't want to run out.” Hardlicker said in a slurred voice. And at their pace it would take hours to reach the next village, let alone the open road. BoltThrower87 sighed. Maybe this wasn't the gravy train ride he thought it was going to be. But at least they were heading West. The beach was West and he loved the ocean. And drinking. What could go wrong?
“You there!” Hardlicker pointed at BoltThrower87, “I'll need my armor washed out again!”
“Oh sweet Jesus!” BoltThrower87 said to himself. What had he really gotten into? They rode in silence for a while longer. Every so often, a servant would ride up and refill Hardlicker's flask. The more he drank, the more sober he seemed to get. At least more lucid.
“Fine day.” He said out of the blue as they worked their way down the road.
“Yes sir.” BoltThrower87 was taken back by the clarity of Hardlicker's voice. “Um..., Sire?” He wasn't sure how to ask this. “Why do you drink so much?”
“Cursed.” Hardlicker smiled at him and took another hit from his flask.
“Cursed? By who?” BoltThrower87 asked.
“The High Priestess Kieran cursed me after she caught me drinking her private stock.” He laughed, “She cursed me to never stop drinking. If I do, I get very sick.”
“That's horrible!” BoltThrower87 exclaimed.
“Yeah. I really should stop sometime and thank her!” He laughed again and drained his flask again.
“If that is so, why do you need so many wagons of food?” BoltThrower87 asked him. He looked back at the wagons and noticed two of them had erected chimneys and were now smoking.
“No food. That's my distillery.” Hardlicker smiled at him again. BoltThrower87 didn't know what to say! He had heard the rumors about Hardlicker and his drinking, but thought they were simple exaggerations. He was lost in thought as they rode and almost didn't see the huge bear laying in the middle of the road.
“I'll take care of this.” Hardlicker told him after reaching over to stop him. The Bear awoke and stood up on it's hind legs and roared! It was monstrous! But a horrified watched as Hardlicker staggered towards unarmed! BoltThrower87 frantically tried to get his crossbow ready! He finally got it armed and ready, but it was too late. Hardlicker was between him and the bear now!
Then to his amazement the bear turned a sickly shade of green and fled as fast as it could for the woods! Hardlicker stumbled back to his horse and tried several times to pull himself up. The horse was well use to this and patiently waited until he got himself on the saddle with his feet kicking up in the air. It took several minutes, but he made it.
“I gotta get a ladder or something.” He said to a very confused Boltthrower87.
“What just happened? How did you scare it away?” He asked.
“I breathed on it.” Hardlicker said and his horse started its slow pace again as BoltThrower87 sat there and blinked several times before shrugging and rejoined Hardlicker at the front of his long train.

THE QUEST OF VICTORDOOM (part 1)

Doom kept looking over to GrammerPolise who was still sharping his fileting knife. They ride for a few minutes and Doom would look over again. GrammerPolise had the same evil grin on his face and would run the blade across the stone again.
“You alright?” VictorDoom asked him, “I mean in the head.”
“Oh I'm fine...” GrammerPolise let the last word trial off after stressing the I'm. Doom looked at him again and rolled his eyes.
“Just don't get in my way.” Doom warned him. He loved combat and prefer the odds stacked against him. It was more challenging that way.
“Yeah, that wont be a problem...” GrammerPolise replied. Again allowing the last word to trial off. He knew it bothered people and he had spent years perfecting his technique.
“I'm serious! Any action and you are to retreat until I have vanquished the enemy!” Doom stuck his chest out and fingered his sword's hilt. He really wanted to fight something soon. GrammerPolise was grating on his nerves already and violence always calmed him done.
“Your commands are my orders sire.” GrammerPolise answered. It was nonsense and he loved watching Doom squirm as he tried to sort it out.
“Uh.., fine...then....,” Doom was trying to understand how the king could have paired him with such a person! He was the court's greatest hero! Despite Vakirauta's bloodlust, he didn't care who or what he killed! And Xpire's boasts of combat with monsters and bandits that Doom had trouble believing. He alone was will to go single handed against the enemy! But the King had assigned him GrammerPolise. He chewed the inside of his cheek as he mulled the reasons why.
GrammerPolise on the other hand knew exactly why he was here. He had corrected the King's speech too many times. A favorite means of his to annoy people that he detested so much. Victor had just been convenient. It could have been any of the Knights, but Lachdanan wanted him out of the castle. That made him smile even more.
“Fuck people.” He mumbled to himself.
“What was that?” Doom asked. He had been lost in thought.
“Nothing M'Lard.” GrammerPolise insulted him again as he could see Doom was still preoccupied.