Election Central!

“Good Evening and welcome back to the Doritos Jacked!, Mountain Dew, Do the Dew, Viagra, The Four Hour Erection!, Ford, Built Ford Tough!, Dunkin Donuts, The World Runs on Dunkin!, Fosters, Fosters Australian for Beer, FSG's Criminal Syndicate, We Deliver!, Fire_Kid's Lighter Emporium, We got the lighter to match your needs! And Rotunda's Fat Lesbian Dating Service, You know you want some! Political Coverage of the Charan's Birdwatchers Guild, We will destroy you! Race for the Presidency of Off-Topic.” Lachdanan had to pause and catch his breath, “As you may have noticed, we have a new set here at our studio. To my right is my new co-anchor HermitDragon. HermitDragon?”
“Hi Lachdanan. How's that new knife feel in your back?” HermitDragon smiled broadly right into the camera, ignoring Lachdanan.
“I can't believe that you made this far. Given how many diseases you must have now.” Lachdanan shot back. He missed his old desk. They had taken away his gun and bottles. “But let's get right to tonight's coverage of the latest Presidential debate. Cronk?” Lachdanan waited for an answer, but the camera stayed on him. “Ah, Cronk? You there?”
“Oh! Sorry Lachdanan. I forgot to tell you that the entire political coverage team only reports to me now.” HermitDragon ran her hand through her hair. “Must of slipped my mind.”
“Yeah, not much to block it up there.” Lachdanan said and leaned back in is chair. His contract wasn't up yet and they wouldn't fire until after the election away.
“Cronk? What's the scene down there tonight?” HermitDragon said with a smile, but Lachdanan's last dig bothered her.
“Chaotic at best HermitDragon. The debate was suppose to be between Grammaticus, GrammerPolise, Xpire and Hardlicker, but ScrotieMcB showed up and started punching Grammaticus in his charred remains. Surprisingly, both have seen a quick jump in the polls because of it. Most wanted to punch John too, but were impressed with how he took the blows despite still being dead.” Cronk said.
“ToxicRatt here and I am pleased to tell you that Hardlicker's campaign manager Stormquake was able to bribe me to give favorable reviews to his performance, even though it consisted mostly of swaying back and forth while trying not to fall over. Truly presidential material if you ask me!” Toxicratt held up the wad of hundreds Stormquake had given him.
“Very impressive ToxicRatt. I'll be expecting my cut. Any more news about MoonYu?” She asked.
“Ah..., um...,” Inexium2 stuttered.
“Yes Inexium2?” HermitDrasgon didn't hide her displeasure.
“I seem to have accidentally released MoonYu when I went to interview him. And now they tell me I got to take his place. Is there something I should do?” He wondered with a lost look in his eyes.
“Try to die with a little grace.” HermitDragon replied with another smile. “Lachdanan, do you have anything to add?”
“HermitDragon, I would follow you to the brink of Hell.” He told her.
“Really?” HermitDragon was taken back.
“Sure, then I would push you over it.” Lachdanan laughed and put his feet up on the desk.
“Should have guessed. Anyway let's go to Totalbackline at MoonYu's headquarters.” Her smile was forced this time.
“Yes, Totalbackline here at MoonYu's campaign headquarters with I_NO.” He held the microphone away towards I_NO, so no one heard what he asked her.
“Well, Totalbackline, MoonYu's escape has hurt our fund raising a little bit.” I_NO told him while wearing a full length fur coat and covered in expensive jewelery. “But if the public could just keep donating, I'm sure I can convince him to return to prison and face his execution.” She smiled into the camera. “Now be a good little Moon and let me know where you are honey. I swear I wont turn you in for the reward. Again.”
“Right. Ok HermitDragon, back to you.” Totalbackline said and forgot to move the microphone down. “She's such a bitch.”
“Thank you Totalbackline for your last report. And I do mean last.” HermitDragon glared into the camera. She was not happy, but Lachdanan was laughing loudly and she had to ignore it. “We also have a report about Spoonman entering the race and...., he's quit again. Makes about seven times now, huh Lachdanan?”
“Spoonman?” Lachdanan asked, “Yeah, whatever.”
“We'll be back right after this message.” HermitDragon said and the cameras cut away.
“You didn't read the sponsors!” Lachdanan protested.
“I don't have to.” She replied smugly.

“Be afraid! Be very afraid! The Others are out to get you! Imprison You! Take everything you hold dear!” The voice over said in a dark husky voice as images of mob violence spewed across the screen. Then it suddenly changed to an old couple sitting on a porch staring off into the sunset. “But a vote for GrammerPolise will be a vote for life. You are pro life right? You don't want to be one of them!” The scene changed again to mobs rioting in the street, setting of fires.
“Hi! I'm GrammerPolise and I want to be your next exulted ruler! Remember, if you vote for me, you'll never be bothered with voting again. I promise that!”
“This commercial was paid for by the Committee to Elect public officials that are easily bribed.”

“And we're back! I would send it over to HermitDragon, but she's busy tying to get me fired.” Lachdanan snorted. “Bitch please.”
“Lachdanan!”
“Yes Stormquake?” Lachdanan asked her.
“I'm getting reports that MoonYu tried to rush your studio, but due to a mix up, he got lost and he's burst his way into a shooting of the popular kids show The Caring and Sharing Little People's Hour.” Stormquake reported. “It's an ugly dwarf riot down here Lachdanan as MoonYu is getting his ass handed to him by actors in bright colorful costumes!”
“Um? Stormquake? I thought you were running Hardlicker's campaign.” Lachdanan asked.
“He ran out of money Lachdanan and I have yet to receive a response from Bhavv's campaign to my threat to kill them all unless they put me in charge.” She put the microphone down, but her voice carried, “Hey! Don't be parking next to my Ferrari!”
“Thank you Stormquake for that meaningless report. Strangely enough, MoonYu has seen a rise in the latest poll! He is now polling at 1% as the anti-midget crowd is really getting behind him. JohnGrammaticus has seen his popularity soar as he continues to be propped up against a wall. ScrotieMcB has seen a dip in the polls as the stoners have come out of their stupor and can actually answer the phone. This bodes well for VictorDoom's chances provided that they remember to vote.” Lachdanan closed his eyes again as HermitDragon rejoined him. “That will do it for tonight's Doritos Jacked!, Mountain Dew, Do the Dew, Viagra, The Four Hour Erection!, Ford, Built Ford Tough!, Dunkin Donuts, The World Runs on Dunkin!, Fosters, Fosters Australian for Beer, FSG's Criminal Syndicate, We Deliver!, Fire_Kid's Lighter Emporium, We got the lighter to match your needs! And Rotunda's Fat Lesbian Dating Service, You know you want some! DirkAustin's Animal furniture stores, furniture for your pets! And Spoonman's Spoon Palace, Fuck Sporks! Political Coverage of the Charan's Birdwatchers Guild, We will destroy you! Race for the Presidency of Off-Topic.” Lachdanan sat back as the producers fanatically pointed to the tele-promptor for him to read the other new sponsors. “Fuck it.” He said and got up from the desk and walked away.
“Bye bye, B.B.” HermitDragon said with a laugh.
“Soon HermitDragon. Very soon.” Lachdanan said before closing the door behind him.

“This is it folks! Election night and we are starting to see some numbers pour in!” Lachdanan said, ignoring the sponsors again.
“That's right Lachdanan. Only a few short minutes away from you being totally irrelevant.” HermitDragon laughed and made a little pushing motion with her hands at him. Lachdanan just glared back. “But let's get to the Election Central and Stormquake!”
“Good Evening HermitDragon, I'm happy to say that I have bankrupted at least three of the contenders in this last week and am looking forward to the election cycle already.” Stormquake said while being tended to by a small group of scantly clad male strippers.
“Stormquake, do we have any polling numbers yet?” Lachdanan asked, mostly out of boredom.
“We sure do loserdanan.” She quipped and HermitDragon laughed. “In a rare split of the alcoholics vote, Xpire and Hardlicker have virtually assured themselves a loss tonight. I still recommend going to their parties tonight. Should be a good time.”
“How is that?” HermitDragon asked, checking her calendar.
“After they found out that they were each trying to buy up the rest of the Rum, they decided to merge their parties and there should be plenty to go around.” She paused and read a note she was handed. “I'm sorry HermitDragon. I just got a report that the Rum is all gone and the party has dissolved into sullen groups of grown men crying on each others shoulders. Pretty fucking pathetic.”
“Oh don't let it worry you Stormquake. I just got a text from I_NO. She finally cracked Moon's password to his secret Swiss account and is having an orgy to celebrate.” HermitDragon looked up from her phone. “Invitation only, sorry Lachdanan.”
“I would miss it for the World.” Lachdanan replied and sipped his bottle of beer.
“Ah, your not suppose to drink on air.” HermitDragon told him.
“Fuck it.” Was his answer.
“Well, let's see what Cronk's got for us.” HermitDragon snarled. She clearly was upset that Lachdanan wasn't upset.
“HermitDragon, down here at Bhavv's headquarters, its rather quiet.” He reported.
“Why is that Cronk?” HermitDragon inquired.
“Ah, Stormquake had them all killed when they refused to turn over Bhavv's remaining election funding.” He explained.
“I guess that's why he's polling at zero currently.” HermitDragon commented.
“Inexium2 here, I got a scoop!” He held up an ice cream cone.
“Thought they executed you.” HermitDragon said quietly.
“Ah, they were going to, but MoonYu and an army of what I hope were Little People stormed the jail and saved me. Of course this has hurt Moon's standing with the anti-midget crowd and he is back to polling one vote.” Inexium2 said, reading off of his note pad.
“So he only got his own vote?” Lachdanan asked.
“Ah no. Moon voted for Grammaticus. Said he really liked his quiet determination. No Moon's only vote came from, ah let's see...., Me? Wait! I haven't voted yet!” Inexium2 looked very confused now, but still licked at his ice cream.
“So there we have it. We have our first report of election fraud.” HermitDragon smiled. This was she was craving. “I'll be sure to do an in depth and thoroughly expensive report on it after the election.”
“ToxicRatt reporting live from ScrotieMcB's campaign center! It's total mayhem down here as someone forgot to add the cinnamon to the extra whip on Scrotie's latte. He has gone berserk and is now in a fist fight with a life size cut out of himself.”
“How's that going?” Lachdanan asked.
“Not well. The cut out has gained the upper hand so to speak and Scrotie is …, is..., yes he's out by TKO! The cut out is now in charge! Back to you” ToxicRatt let himself fall into a chair and drop the mic. “Fuck! That was intense!” He said to no one.
“Ok, let's go over some of the numbers we're getting. VictorDoom is polling well with the Head Bangers, but they refuse to vote and the Stoner party is too stoned to remember to vote. Looks like it will be a long night for him.” HermitDragon said, but Lachdanan just shook his head.
“Victor will be fine. He passed out hours ago and forgot he was even running.”He sat back and put his feet up again. “Soon. Very soon.”
“Whatever Loserdanan.” HermitDragon held up her hand in front of his face, but he just smiled. “The polls have now closed! We are pleased to tell you that we will be bringing you the live report of who won and will be our next Despot Leader of Off-Topic. I for one welcome our new Overload, whoever it may be!” HermitDragon watched as the official envelope was handed to Lachdanan.
“Ladies and Gentlemen, I hold in my hand the only official document of who was elected to be our next President!” He smiled into the camera and there was a glint in his eyes. “And the winner is..., Lachdanan! Yes ladies and Gentlemen! I am your new leader!”
“But! But!” HermitDragon was shocked! “You didn't even run! I demand a recount!”
“Awww, too bad MoonYu's rampage destroyed the actual ballots and this is the only remaining document.” He told her. She tried to snatch from his hand, but he whipped it away. “Guards! Take her away!” He commanded and they shrugged and dragged her kicking and screaming out of the studio.

“I want to assure the viewing audience that I will be a humane as possible as I send the secret police to hunt down and eliminate any that dare oppose me. So good night and sleep tight. I will be watching.”


The End!