The Future is Mooned

I have been to the future of Off-Topic and it is not pretty! Recently I was part of a secret government experiment (you didn't hear about because it was secret) and they sent me thirty years into the future to stop a madman with a nuclear bomb.
As soon as I arrived, I did what anyone would do. I applied for several credit cards and racked a lot of charges that I never will pay for. (I'll be 79 in thirty years, if I make it.) Then I checked Off-Topic. I was disturbed to say the least.
My worst fear was realized when I saw that Australia had been over run with Littlelickers. Hardlicker had not only had twenty four sets of triplets in the thirty years with his amazing wife, but had several affairs that also lead to hundreds of more twins, triplets, and two sextuplets. Then his offspring had the same sex drive and while he was still busy, so were his sons. More and more they arrived and finally were a majority of the country and they all vote. Vote for Hardlicker. Who then made having sex with him a mandatory service and when I left, China had just surrendered to his army.
Nor was it much better in Europe. VictorDoom teamed up with Xpire and Boem to form the tricycle of Terror. Together they battled Lachdanan for control of the world's supply of non crappy beer. Lachdanan had more resources, brains, plans, sex appeal, education, and nicer shoes. Doom and the rest had boned headed determination and reckless disregard for personal hygiene. When I left, Lachdanan had retreated to Oktoberfest and was rallying his forces with some excellent brauts.
In America, I_No and HermitDragon had teamed up to hunt down INEFadeXFHONOR and make him shorten his title to XFHonor. Mostly for my sake and future stories. While I appreciate their efforts, I'm still not going to make a woman a lead in any of my stories. It's not that I'm a sexist pig. It's that I'm also a huge asshole.
Not that the rest of America is doing well. President Scrotie McB had declared Marshall law and made it illegal to be seen in public with Clive Howlitzer. Elynore had formed a resistance group, but only to Hostilesinbound and Totalbackline's new theme restaurants. The Rhoa Garden.
Worse still was Canada. BMBI had announced that he was now Prime Minister and the rest of the country was too polite to say no. Vakirauta took over Nova Scotia and renamed it after himself, but no one cared. If you visit there, make sure to stop by and say hi. He could use a little sympathy. Pavshaus wasn't sitting still either. His internet empire had begun to infringe on GGG's online gaming monopoly. They sent him a warning by having Bex and Kieren “Explain” to him that he should back off. Only he had tricked Spoonman into taking his place. He will be missed. In retaliation, Pavshaus only brought a warrior pack that year. GGG was shamed and nearly folded until they realized Chris still had the nuclear bomb I was sent to stop.
Unfortunately, my time in the future was brief and I was sucked back to the present. Not only had I failed in my mission, I have been fired by the government. I feel that I learned an important lesson through it all that I would like to share with you....