The Spy that Mooned Yu

“Ladies and Gentlemen, tonight we are happy to bring you an exclusive report.” The Voice over stated. “With the release of the secret NSA reports, we discovered a hidden gem. Locked away in all the files on tapping phones and emails was a list of retired super spies. Super spies still alive, but retired. Tonight we will air the uncut footage our very own Bex was able get.”

“Good evening. I am Bex and this is the home of the world's greatest former spy that is still alive. MoonYu. On the outside, and indeed the inside too, this looks like a normal old folks home. But the truth is this facility is a modern high tech safe house for retired agents.” She opens the door and the camera follows her into the building. At the desk, an attractive, but strangely robotic looking Julia is glaring at the camera.
“Name?” She asked with a slight robotic tinge to her voice.
“Bex.” Bex answered and flashed her reporters badge like it meant anything. Julia never looked away, but seemed mildly distracted some how.
“MoonYu is currently in the den.” She said and went back to ignoring them.
“Ah?” Bex cleared her throat, but Julia never moved.
“Down the hall, third door on the left.” She told them.
“Yeah.” Bex said and motioned for the camera to follow her. They walked down the hallway and Bex pointed to each room as she counted to three. She waved the camera to follow again, but the cameraman walked into the door frame and dropped the camera.
After a shuffle, the camera is righted again and the cameraman can be heard to mutter a sorry, but Bex's glare is deadly. But she remembers that she is being filmed and smiles again. Only her eyes betraying her true emotions right then.
They survey the room and sitting in a recliner is a old man with a glass of something in his hand. Next to him is another, not quite as old man, also with a glass. They are sitting there together, staring off into space.
“Excuse me.” Bex apologized as she came between the two of them. Either one of you MoonYu?” The younger one pulled a gun and pointed at her, much to her surpise!
“He is.” Said the older one, using his thumb to direct her towards the man with the gun.
“The Hell I am you old bullshitter!” The younger yelled and pointed the gun at the other.
“Oh relax. If she was trying to kill us, she would have shot you already Vakirauta.” MoonYu said, pushing the gun away from his direction.
“Excuse me, but didn't you just claim this man was MoonYu?” Bex asked. She looked slightly confused.
“The old switcharoo.” MoonYu answered and chuckled a little.
“What the old bastard means is that if you were sent to kill him, you would have shot me first. Thus allowing him time shoot you and live.” Vakirauta told her and MoonYu nodded his head.
“That's not very nice of you.” Bex scolded MoonYu.
“Yet I'm still alive aren't I?” He asked her smugly.
“You wouldn't be if the nurses would give me back my bullets!” Vakirauta wheezed and coughed, but holstered his pistol.
“Gentlemen.” Bex interrupted them. “I have been sent to interview MoonYu. The oldest living super spy still alive.”
“Xpire died?” Vakirauta asked.
“Last week.” MoonYu told him. “He had tied up that hot little Swedish nurse in her room and was prancing around her bed naked singing Low Rider. Until he hit his head on the ceiling fan and fell of the bed, head first onto the floor.”
“Sad way to die.” Vakirauta sighed.
“Nah. The fall didn't kill him. It was when the nurse wiggled free and tried to give him mouth to mouth. His heart failed as the blood rushed away from it.” MoonYu chuckled again and Vakirauta started snickering too. Bex just rolled her eyes. This was not going the way she had hoped.
“Yes, that's all fine and good, but I have been tasked with interviewing you Moon.” She said in a stern voice and he smiled at her. It caused her to sigh heavily.
“Oh ask away deary.” MoonYu prodded her. “I'm an open book.”
“Yes, but if you would mind closing your bathrobe.” She snapped and his smile waned.
“Oh get on with it. I don't want to die from boredom.” Vakirauta tried to laugh, but it came out a wheeze again. Bex opened her notebook and flipped a page and took a deep breath. She had a feeling that anything said here today was going to be worthless.

“Right, MoonYu, You have the distinction of being the oldest living super agent. How did you manage this fete after so many others died in the line of duty?” Bex asked. MoonYu sat back and took a sip of his drink.
“Well, back in the early days, there wasn't as much competition. Nor were there as many bad guys.” He said and Vakirauta.
“I remember..,”He started, but MoonYu cut him off.
“This is about me you glory hog!” He snapped and turned very red faced. Vakirauta started to say something, but MoonYu leaned even closer to him and he closed his mouth and leaned back into his own chair, obviously steaming.
“Yes, the early days.” Bex prompted MoonYu.
“Huh?” He asked her and she started to repeat herself, but he started giggling. “Gotcha!” He smiled. “Yeah the early days. The only enemy was the other agencies. Pretty peaceful. We didn't try and kill each other as much as just fuck each other.”
“Excuse me?” Bex was quite taken back.
“Oh yeah. The early days was more fucking than you could shake a stick at.” MoonYu told her.
“As I remember, only Velocireptile died back then.” Vakirauta added and MoonYu nodded.
“How?” Bex asked.
“Well he took his name because of his love affair with snakes.” Vakirauta explained to her.
“And he died from a snake bite?” She asked.
“Syphilis.” MoonYu said. “Told you, we did a lot of fucking around then.” He sighed. “Not like now.” Bex looked into the camera and shook her head. She was not going to ask the next obvious question.
“So what changed?” She looked between the two of them.
“Well, Dr. Hardlicker mostly.” Vakirauta admitted. “Him and his evil staff of trained killers changed the whole fucking dynamic.”
“Glad he's dead.” MoonYu snarled.
“I'm not dead you old fucking bastard!” Hardlicker shouted from across the room.
“You're dead to me you rotten mother fucking asshole!” MoonYu shouted back. “He's such a prick.”
“I.., I..,” Bex was at a lost for words and needed a moment to think before asking more questions. She composed herself and took two large breaths before attempting this again. “Why is Doctor Hardlicker staying here?” She asked them.
“You know how every government claims not to negotiate with terrorist?” MoonYu asked her and she nodded. “Bunch of fucking liars. He not only negotiated his retirement here, he got the best room!”
“Jealously suits you!” Hardlicker shouted from his chair in front of the TV.
“Just ignore the bloody bastard.” Vakirauta advised her. She nodded and looked back at her notebook.
“Now I was able to do some research and I have to ask about a few of your former companions. Pavshaus?” She looked up from her notebook and saw MoonYu wince. “Does it bother you?”
“Pavshaus...,” She could see him pondering what to tell her. She looked over to Vakirauta, but he was busy looking at the very large butt on the nurse tending to Doctor Hardlicker.
“Pavshaus.” He said again, “Yeah Pavshaus was one hell of an agent. You know a lot of the James Bond movies are actually based on his exploits?” MoonYu looked at her, but didn't wait for a response. “He loved his gadgets.”
“Yeah, too much.” Vakirauta joined in and the two of them laughed.
“What's so funny about that?” She asked.
“Officially he was killed when his scuba gear malfunctioned, but it was really auto-erotic asphyxiation.”
“Don't tell her about where they found his homing beacon.” Vakirauta warned.
“No shit.” MoonYu replied and they both started laughing again, but it turned into a coughing contest instead.

“That's really, really horrible!” Bex was aghast.
“You think that was bad?” MoonYu asked, recovering his breath. “You should have heard about Boem and I_NO.”
“That was a great one!” Hardlicker shouted.
“Stay the fuck out of this you pansied git!” Vakirauta warned him.
“Just ignore him.” MoonYu cautioned Bex and she nodded. “Anyway, Boem was sent on a mission to stop Hardlicker and get back the stolen cold fusion plans. So he tracks them down to I_NO. She was one of Hardlicker's trained assassins. So Boem tries to seduce her and she lets him because she's just gonna kill him anyway. So she takes them up in her private plane under the guise of joining the mile high club. Only Boem knows it is a trap and they start this wicked fight in the plane and I_NO grabs the only parachute and leaps out Of the plane.”
“And Boem couldn't fly?” Bex asked.
“You know, I never thought about that.” MoonYu admitted and Vakirauta looked confused. “Anyway, Boem doesn't hesitate and leaps after her without his own parachute. He swoops down on her and they fight more in mid air until she finally grabs a handful of balls and he had to let go and fall to his death.”
“And I_NO got away?” Bex wondered.
“Ah, no. She pulled the cord on the chute, but it wasn't a parachute after all. It was Hardlicker's kid's knapsack. She splattered all over Boem's splattered corpse.” MoonYu told her.
“Should have seen my kid when he opened what he thought was his lunch!” Hardlicker howled.
“Drop dead already!” MoonYu screamed at him.
“You first!” Hardlicker taunted him.

“Now if I remember correctly,” Bex flipped through her notes, “Hardlicker was not the only evil madman trying to take over the world.”
“That's Doctor!” Hardlicker corrected her, but had to duck as several dinner rolls were thrown at him.
“Yeah, Hardlicker was just the largest and most successful evil madman.” Vakirauta agreed.
“Right! Lachdanan was pretty evil. Not as evil as Hardlicker, but pretty evil.” MoonYu wiped a tear away. “That's how ImRight was lost.”
“I'm sorry, who?” Bex asked politely.
“ImRight.” MoonYu told her and she nodded.
“I'm sure you are, but who did Lachdanan kill?” She tried again.
“It's I_NO all over again.” Warned Vakirauta and MoonYu rolled his eyes back.
“ImRight was an agent. Not, I was right, even though I am.” MoonYu explained and Bex finally got it and made an Oh! sound. “Lachdanan never got over Germany losing the war and want revenge.”
“He was a Nazi?” Bex asked and jotted some notes down.
“Nazi?!” Vakirauta and MoonYu snorted together. “No. Lachdanan wasn't ever a Nazi. And I didn't mean that war. I meant the beer wars. You know, when Sam Adams won the gold over his own brand.” MoonYu looked over to Vakirauta, who nodded.
“But what happened to ImRight then?” Bex inquired.
“Well he went deep undercover and tracked Lachdanan all through that year's Oktoberfest and saved the day when he prevented Lachdanan from poisoning the world's largest keg of Sam Adams Light with Coors light. But poor ImRight never made it back.” Vakirauta lamented.
“Lachdanan killed him?” Bex looked up from her notes.
“Cirrhosis.” MoonYu corrected her.
“He had gone too deep undercover.” Vakirauta added.
“But what happened to Lachdanan?” Bex wanted to know.
“Last I heard, he was part of a traveling sock puppet show in Munich.” MoonYu laughed. “Always got his hand up something.”
“Or someone!” Hardlicker called over and threw one of the dinner rolls back.
“No one asked you! And if someone did, I'll fucking kill them!” MoonYu Shouted back at him. “Jerk.” Bex picked up the dinner roll, sniffed it and let it drop back to the floor. She looked around and wiped her hands on the cameraman.
“Now, I don't want to be a bother, but I came to talk about you Moon.” She explained and MoonYu nodded while Vakirauta frowned. “You are the oldest living Super Agent and you must have stories of personal triumph.”
“Most of its still classified young lady.” MoonYu warned her, “But I can tell you of a few of my off the record run ins, like the time HermitDragon and I went toe to toe over who would get to kick Spoonman's ass.” MoonYu grinned at the memory.
“Tell her about the time you, Boem and Pavshaus kicked Spoonman's ass!” Vakirauta hooted and started wheezing again he was laugh so hard.
“Or the time You and I kicked Spoonman's ass!” Hardlicker yelled, but MoonYu just flipped him the bird and he sat back and stuck his tongue out back at MoonYu.
“Spoonman?” Bex was curious, “Does he always get his ass kicked?”
“Well yeah. Not sure how it started. But he just has this way of making you want to beat the snot of him.” Vakirauta told her.
“And don't go feeling sorry for the bastard either. He gets the girl, he gets the raise, he gets the promotion. So we kick his ass. Its like Karma or something.” MoonYu added.
“Ok, aside from Spoonman, can you tell me any of your best moments?” She clicked her pen again.
“Alright sweetheart. I got one for you. Years ago, I was doing this special job for the agency. I had to infiltrate the Victoria's Secrets catalog shoot. It was tough. What with not being a woman.” MoonYu looked down at his chest and sighed.
“Funny. I always thought of you as a pussy.” Hardlicker howled and kicked his feet up at his own joke.
“Ignore him.” MoonYu warned her and continued. “So I needed a believable disguise and the only man I would trust to help me was ToxicRatt. He really knew his stuff when it came to makeup and changing your appearance.”
“Whatever happened to him?” Vakirauta asked.
“Died from toxic shock to a new blush he was experimenting with. When they found him, they thought he was Miley Cyrus at first.” MoonYu shook his head. “No one saw that one coming.”

“Excuse me!” Bex raised her voice to get MoonYu to stop trading bad jokes about ToxicRatt dying from Toxic shock with Vakirauta.
“What?” MoonYu asked her.
“The catalog?” She put to him.
“What catalog?” He asked and looked around his chair.
“The fucking Victoria's Secret catalog!” She snapped.
“Huh? Oh yeah! I remember now. I managed to get in the dressing room and took a bunch of great pictures for mission control and some for my private collection, but then this bossy Frankenwoman shoves a tight little mini at me and tells me I got two minutes to get to the runway. I thought about shoving it down her throat, but how do you get to walk down the runway?” MoonYu looked Vakirauta who was nodding again.
“So I get up the stairs and start my prance, but who's in the audience? Fucking HermitDragon. Still pissed off about the arrow to the knee and she jumps up on stage and we trade punches as the rest of the girls keep walking around us. I thought I was going to lose the fight as she had a hold of my g-string and was cutting off the blood flow, but I_NO cold cocked her as she did her turn on the runway. I still was woozy and had to crawl off the stage.”
“And then what happened?” Bex was actually intrigued.
“I_NO got the calendar shoot. Bitch.” MoonYu swore to himself.
“What happened to HermitDragon?” She pressed him.
“Oh I think she ended up modeling for Sears or something. Never really recovered after that.” MoonYu sighed and stared off into the distance. But then he scrunched up his face. “No. That's her over there.” He pointed at a table in the corner. “You suck!” He shouted at her. She returned the favor by sticking her middle finger up.
“Um. Why did you need to infiltrate the catalog again?” Bex wasn't sure she wanted to know this time, but he told her anyway.
“I told you. Mission control wanted some good pics of the girls.” He smiled and Vakirauta let out a bark of a laugh.
“So have you done any actual spying? Good guy, bad guy stuff?” She asked and thought about calling it a day.
“Of course, but they tended to be rather boring. Dull stuff like sneaking past a thousand guards to kill Cronk.” MoonYu yawned.
“Cronk? The Cronk?” She asked and they both nodded. “Last I knew, he's still alive.”
“Duh, I told you it was boring. So I simply avoided the mission and broke into VictorDoom's apartment and stole his shit. Made enough pawning it to buy a nice gaming keyboard and mouse.” MoonYu smiled.
“Fat lot a good it did you.” Vakirauta sneered. “Still can't beat shit.”
“Beat your mother last night!” MoonYu shot back.
“She said you died in the doorway!” Vakirauta fired back. Bex grabbed two handfuls of hair and pulled until the pain made her stop. MoonYu notied she expression and took a deep breath.
“Listen sugar, I've killed a lot of people. Fire_Kid with a BBQ fork, Totalbackline with exploding drum sticks,..” He was going to go on, but she stopped him.
“Totalbackline! The Rock and Roll undercover spy?” She gasped.
“Undercover my ass! Told everyone that he was a spy. Mostly to just get laid. But I was sent to quiet his gig for the last time. Mostly because we were all tired of him lording his sexual conquests over us. So I slipped a pair of explosive drum sticks into his gear and we went to the show to watch him die. Only he never made it to the stage. The explosion rocked the house and we rushed to what was left of the green room.” MoonYu stopped, looked pained and then let out a loud belch. “Oh much better!”
“So he died practicing in the green room?” Bex jotted another down. But she noticed Vakirauta and MoonYu trying not to laugh. “Oh God! Please don't tell me that he stuck them...,” She let it trail off there.
“Yup, up some groupie's ass and boom!” Vakirauta shouted with glee.
“Really put the back in totalbackline!” Hooted MoonYu.
“It was a real shitty concert!” Vakirauta cried and started wheezing again and had to hit his inhaler.
“The fucker got puckered!” MoonYu also had tears coming down his face and the cameraman was repressing laughter too.
“Only if he could have taken a backsided compliment!” Hardlicker joked, but the others shouted him down again. “Yeah! Well just fuck you too!”