@ask Dr Hardlicker

The good Dr Hardlicker is nothing like that charlatan Phil, I know because he helped me with a very embarrassing problem a few months ago.

He's like, at least 7% legit. Minimum.

Like all good talk show hosts, you can take them off the air but you can't stop them wanting to stick their nose were it don't belong. And on that note it's good to be back on the airwaves. So I want you to just relax, sit back and just listen with your inner eye.

Without further ado, let's answer some questions from the listeners.

MoonYu asks "How can I entertain the people continuously with the same old routine?"

Well MoonYu, you are the chosen one. But unfortunately your deeds of good will, will count for nothing at the end of the seasons of wither. When I say nothing, that's not quite true. I meant nothing tangible that you can place upon your trophy shelf. You of course have reached out and touched many readers that will always remember MoonYu's capers with affection, speaking from the heart.

Necroing a lost treasure that newer readers may not have been troubled by before can work. A new spin on an old topic can open the closed floodgates of thought so to speak, releasing torrential sparks of imagination, people feeding off the thought processes of the bored.

Next up is VictorDoom and he wants to know why his knob is no longer with him.

Your special giggle stick that you love to tickle and show to any gathering of elderly bingo participants has finally been played out, just like your latest poorly worded Mama joke. If your penis was stuck in my Mama, then it was recently cremated and it's ashes were spread at her favorite beach spot. I do like me some mama jokes normally but sometimes it's still a bit fresh.

The argument about who is a more legit doctor between Dr Phil, Dr Oz and myself is a no contest. Dr Hardlicker will never lie to you to get ratings. I will do it for the personal satisfaction of knowing that I helped a lost soul get back in touch with what's really important in life. Taking the piss out of everyone and everything, even dead mamas.

I'm going to wrap it up here for now. If you ever need the doctors advice, don't be too scared to drop us a line and I'll see what I can do to help you. Rest easy for now listeners as I'm going out with an old Barry White favorite, Can' get enough of your love baby.

Night all.

@Dr Hardlicker

My Wife asked me if I ever pee in the shower. I said of course I do. She was disgusted by this.

I told her that sometimes when you are doing a shit, you just naturally start to pee, its normal.

She isn't talking to me.
How can I get her to let me pee on her in the shower?

Good evening good listeners, I'm feeling just fine and I hope that you are too. Bringing tonight's telecast to you without any corporate sponsorship. That's right, we may have a tight budget here but we can still piss with the big boys.

Speaking of pissing with the big boys, we have a regular listener and caller MoonYu who wants to know why feeling good is wrong.

Feeling good is never wrong, no matter how wrong the situation may turn out to be in the sobering light of morning. Never feel bad for the other guy who doesn't have the same "luck" as you. Chances are that they have a cosmic karmic debt to pay for past sins. Instead relish in the feel good moment in time that you have landed in and please tell us all how that goes for you.

Being a kilt wearing, free balling old goat that I know you to be, I would advise you to be very careful how you squish any unfortunate mosquitoes that happen to land on your family jewels. Glad I didn't do any sins bad enough in a previous life to warrant coming back as a mosquito that ended up landing on your testes.

Next up is the very funny Velocireptile who never fails to amuse me and he wants to know how to make it OK whilst pissing on his missus.

Well I don't get stumped very often when giving out life tips to help the fine folks of Off-Topic and this is no exception.

Don't poop in the shower unless you are really suffering from something extreme in the tummy region. Yes it's easy and convenient but I implore to you that you just don't poop in the shower or bath or at the dining table or your computer desk. Now my opinion on this subject may be contrary to others as I was brought up in a decidedly non pooping in the shower kind of upbringing.

As for peeing on your missus, there are several angles that you can come from. Firstly set up a scenario where she is having a shower and happens to be bitten by a moderately poisonous snake. Peeing on her bite wound is just being a knight in shining armor.

If that isn't possible then you are going to have to get some extreme leverage over her. I know that you love her and probably don't want to cross any moral boundaries, but perhaps you could frame her for murder and tell her that you would be willing to destroy the evidence if she lets you empty your bladder upon her. Sounds like a win / win situation for the both of you.

So I'll wrap this up before I divulge the very secrets to living, but I'll leave you all with this thought.

Never second guess yourself when you know deep down that your always right.

Dear Doctor Hardlicker,

if i may shortly introduce myself,
i´m a renowned Dragonbreeder with quite a huge Dragonswarm counted in the thousands.
Basically reigning the western hemisphere. If your village ever got attacked by Black Dragons, jepp this dude.

Now to my Problem,
i recently aquired a Willowdragon, atleast i think its one, everything indicates at it.
Long tousled Hairs, silent behaivor, wheathered appearance and very resilient scales.
Its a Female and most likely in the best age. Gave her the number 1964, as its quite usual when you have to manage such a great swarm. Can´t remember every name you give them, if you know what i mean ^^.

And i got a nice Earth Dragon 585,
thats im sure of because of the brown Scales, horned facials, horny behaivor, short tail and even shorter "tail", if you know what i mean ^^. Still currently the best horse in the stable.

Now my Dragontamerbook tells me that they most likely would be able to produce Diamond-dragons as offsprings, and as you may know, these are quite powerfull and rare.
http://dragonsworldguide.com/breeding-calculator/earth-and-willow/rare-perks-0/speed-perks-0/
But when i put these two together, 585 completely looses its heat and fire and refuses to jump her.
Whats wrong with them, never met such prude dragons like them, and the moment i put different female in 585 is all over her again.
I already tried the blackest magic i´m able to weave, won´t work.

If you could provide insight in how i could get them both to mate, i will be quite generous and provide you with a Pink Dragon of your own. Take a moment and think about it.
If no "cheap" solution can be found, we are afraid to mention that we have to dress you like a chicken and send you in to take the sperm by force.


With kind regards
Lachi

Dear Dr Hardlicker,

there is a popular saying "do unto others what you want others to do unto you".


my question is, how do I insult somebody, without incurring bad karma?

Sincerely,
Haku