@ask Dr Hardlicker

Dear Dr Hardlicker, I have fallen and can't get up. Is there a cure for this condition or do I keep living on the floor untill it wears off naturally?

Hoping for a quick response as I have a bus to catch on tuesday.

Dear Dr. Hardlicker,

I'm a renowned ancient alien astronaut theorist. In my role as an ancient alien astronaut theorist I have proven many ancient alien astronaut theories about ancient alien astronauts theoretically having affected earth through there ancient alien astronaut visits.

Despite this I get made fun of all the time and am belittled as a fool, idiot, ass, blockhead, dunce, dolt, ignoramus, imbecile, cretin, dullard, simpleton, clod;informalnitwit, halfwit, dope, ninny, nincompoop, chump, dimwit, dingbat, dipstick, goober, coot, goon, dumbo, dummy, ditz, dumdum, fathead, numbskull, numbnuts, dunderhead, thickhead, airhead, butthead, flake, lamer, lamebrain, zombie, nerd, peabrain, birdbrain, scissorbill, jughead, mouth-breather, jerk, donkey, twit, goat, dork, twerp, hoser, schmuck, bozo, boob, turkey, schlep,chowderhead, dumbhead, goofball, goof, goofus, galoot, lummox, knuckle-dragger, klutz, putz, schlemiel, sap, meatball, dumb cluck, mook, and a disgrace to intelligent life everywhere.

My question is this...

How in the world did you get a degree as a DR? And thanks for answering my evil Twins question.
But still.... Which Hardlicker is the DR?

Good Evening everyone once again to the Ask Dr Hardlicker show.

"Where did I leave the car keys?"

"Honey not now, I'm on the air. I'm answering peoples questions, I can't help you at the moment."

"Well answer this smartarse, Where are the car keys?"

"Ohh for the love of domestic bliss. Their probably in the bowl that we always leave the keys in, have you looked there?"

"Not yet, ahh there they are, thanks honey, I'm off now."

Sorry about that listeners, let me start over. Welcome to tonight's show where I have some interesting questions to answer, so lets get down to it.

Totalbackline asks " Can a car driving at night without headlights, an engine, tyres or a driver be trusted for a lift down to the docks?"

Well I don't normally believe in ghosts but I do believe in ghost cars. Sounds like your area is haunted. Best thing to do would be to move. Now this isn't always an option for people so I'm going to give you a second choice.
You should flag this car down and ask for a lift to the next gas station. Once inside you will have to douse the interior with holy water and begin to recite the words of any exorcism movie that you can. The unholy power that will be generated from this experience is likely to permanently disfigure you and give you a random super power. Good luck with the RNG.

Next up is Upandatem who is sadly horizontally challenged and he asks "I've fallen down and can't get up, your number came up as the closest doctor, I need urgent medical treatment."

Well that is quite the dilemma you have on your hands there, so to speak. Firstly I can't help you in a medical capacity but I can rationalize the situation for you. You have to accept that in your position the only thing you can do is look up and don't be too down on yourself. You at least will be able spot any lost items hiding under the furniture.

Secondly, only you can help yourself. Try to emulate the scene from Kill Bill where The Bride slowly regains the use of her limbs one toe at a time. You should only need the use of a couple of toes to work the remote. Hopefully you should be up and about in no time at all.

Next up Pavshaus has emailed the station twice in two days and it is my duty to inform the programers of the C3Pav model of Robotic Butlers that Pavshaus has clearly short circuited and is a danger to all humans. A quick upgrade and patching should have the happy young robot going about his orders as programmed. And only a buzz cut could save that hair.

Lastly Xpire wonders about the effects of multiple personalities.

I would encourage you to look deep within yourself and try to find or create a whole bunch of different personalities, that way life is never boring, unless you have poor RNG and get stuck with the tax accountant persona. Remember, What happens in psychosis stays in psychosis.

And we're out.

"Once again that was a really great show. I was happy with the flow of that.."

"Oh shit it's still recording. Hit the button"

......................

Dead Dr Hardlicker

my peenor is too warm

Esteemed Doctor,

As I'm sure you've noticed, a good deal of homeless bums enjoy smoking the processed derivative of cocaine we all lovingly know as "crack." Now a homeless bum myself, I find that, like it or not, the particular and inescapable aroma of freshly smoked crack has been permeating my sleeping area, on one occasion rousing me from my slumber due to the unusual intensity of the fumes. I can deduce that, due to such inhalation on my part, I would come up positive on any urinalysis conducted at this time. My questions are: is this actionable, allowing me to sue the establishment, despite having paid the proprietors absolutely no fee for my stay? And if not, is this an appropriate time to say "fuck it" and figure out precisely what a crack high feels like?

Very respectfully,
Scrotie McBoogerballs, Esq.

Good evening dear listeners. I'm back on the air and the doctor is in session.

Overall the feedback has been really positive and it's very comforting to know that I'm doing my little bit to help the people. Giving something back to society if you will.

But I know I can help more people so what I'm looking for is that wow factor. Maybe a guest appearance from the highly sort after GGG team, or maybe it's possible to land the big fish. Just the other day conversation veered towards...Does Chris have a sense of humor? My thoughts are that yes he does, but the off-topic crowd haven't had the pleasure of the great man gracing these pages. I extend the invitation to help Dr Hardlicker in his work by helping the POE crowd with their questions.

Now on to tonight's show.

VictorDoom asks "Why is my peenor too warm?"

My first thoughts were you have a urinary tract infection. But as you specified that your pants python is only warm and not on fire whilst pissing razor blades I have ruled that out.
So it's now likely that you have a very rare condition of having a second asshole. You probably think it's normal that your one eyed custard chucker nestles snuggly up your own arse so to speak. The benefits are that whenever anyone tells you to go fuck yourself, you can tell them that you're already there.

Glad I could clear that up for Victor.

Next up we have a concerned letter from one of my favorite posters, lets give it up for Scrotie McBoogerballs, Esq. He writes that being a bum isn't all bacon and eggs, sleeping in and talking to cats, there is the serious issue of crack.

With my vast experience in all manner of drug taking, illicit or otherwise, I will borrow an extract from some random website. "Difficult as it may be to face one’s problems, the consequences of drug use are always worse than the problem one is trying to solve with them."
That is not to say don't take drugs. I have seen enough workmen types to know that too much crack can offend the senses.

Starting over from scratch can be an adventure in its self as I have done this numerous times. I spent my early twenties couch surfing so I can speak from experience.Everything you get from this point forward you will have earned. As the old saying goes "You don't miss it till it's gone". This is especially true of hot water and a roof.

All jokes aside, I wish the best for Scrotie and for all the off-topic crowd.

Signing off for now. Keep the letters coming in and I'll answer them in the next exciting episode of Ask Dr Hardlicker.

Dear Dr Hardlicker

Thank you for your help, i found that my peenor was indeed jammed into an asshole, i searched for another asshole on my body but i found none, it turns out that asshole was not mine at all.

Now i have discovered another problem, i seem to feel dizzy if i try to breath under water, can you help?