Mooned Wars

Xpire walked cautiously. He could sense something. He paused for a moment to consider what it might be. What's That smell? No. That was just the Lynard Skynard song playing while MoonYu wrote this part. The lighting? No. Darth Vakirauta standing in the middle of the hallway? No..., Wait! That was it!
“You shouldn't have come you Old Son of a Bitch.” said Vakirauta.
“But that would have made for a really disjointed movie.” Xpire answered.
“Fine, I grant you that, but when I left I was but the student. Now I am the master.” Vakirauta said.
“Only a Master of Fine Arts Darth. Good luck finding a good job with that.” Xpire replied with a smirk.
“See! This is why I turned evil! You and the rest of them just mocking me! Well who has the last laugh now bitch.” Vakirauta whined, but his mask made it sound cool anyway.
“What about the prequel when you did it all for Natalie Portman?” Xpire asked, raising his laser sabre.
“Does seem kinda weak doesn't it. Especially the end where I scream Noooo! And everything around me crushes.” Vakirauta said.
“I know. A great director would have allowed the scene work for the movie. You should have just lay there breathing normal, well normal for you, while everything around you crushed under your raging temper, but without any outward show of emotion. That would have been awesome.” Xpire expounded and swung his sabre at Darth Vakirauta.
“Hey!” Darth cried out blocking the blow, “I wasn't ready yet! I was going to talk more about Portman!”
“She is hot. I'll grant you that, but I don't think she was even born when this film was made.” Xpire replied taking another swing, but not using any Farce powers.
“And that poor kid they cast to play a young me. Ugh! I don't blame him for hating the movie.” Vakirauta said as he too fails to use any Farce powers.
“Just think what they could have done with him. Already angry and moody. Not some Disney kid, but a real child abused by the system and already going down the darkside due to his circumstances.” Xpire explained as they both fought in a classical sword fight that goes out the window in the other movies.
“Hey Old Son of a Bitch. Are you leading us to distract the extremely few guards we left watching the ship when the entire base knows its your only way out?” Vakirauta asked.
“If I said no, would you believe me?” Xpire asked back.
“Not even if you told me if I strike you down that you would become even more powerful.” Darth Vakirauta answered. Xpire looked mad.
“That was my line!” He said accusingly.
“Evil. Remember?” Vakirauta retorted and cut Xpire in half.

“No!” Shouted Epsilon regaining the lost attention of the very minor force left to guard against what was happening.
“Shoot the door Eppy!” Clive yelled and even though most of his shots missed man sized targets, he hit the tiny door controls in one shot and instead of jamming them open like they already were, the door slammed shut.
“Don't fuck with Chuck!” Epsilon shouted, flipping off the dead troopers, but no one understood the reference. He bound aboard the ship grinning like a jackass as the Princess that just met him tries to comfort him over Xpire being killed.
“I'm sure that this blanket will help.” Bex said.
“A blanket? On a space ship that has environmental controls?” Epsilon sneered and Bex grabbed his nose and twisted it. “Ouch ouch ouch!” He screamed.
“Man the guns kid.” Clive said to Epsilon who knew exactly where to go and how to use a weapon system on a ship that he had only been on for a very short time.
“We're coming up on the outer patrol ships that weren't out when you first came out of hyperspace.” Bex said over the intercom.
“Are we going to do the mostly visual fight scene?” Hardlicker asked.
“No. MoonYu doesn't feel like it.” C3Pavshaus answered and R2Boem2 beeped. “Fuck you too! You little fucking spark plug!” C2Pavshaus screamed and Bex had to separate them while Hardlicker drove.
“Let's see what this POS can do!” He yelled and floored the petal. Not that it did anything. He then pushed the go faster button and off they went.

FIGHT SCENE!

“Well, that was mother fucking awesome shooting if I do say myself. They were all like pow pow! And I was like Rat-a-tat-tat and they went boom!” Clive gloated. “Oh the kid got two also, but they were not as impressive.”
“They let us get away dumbass.” Bex sneered and went and pouted in the corner.
“They let us kill them? Seems like a waste trained pilots.” Epsilon also pouted. He had hoped this story would focus on him more.
“Yeah, well if you think they left us get away to track us, why not just fly to a random planet. Change ships and fly away again?” Clive asked and Bex pouted more. She didn't write this story!
“Sir, if I might say something?” C3Pavshaus tried, but he didn't have any more lines until later.

Back aboard the Mobile (Remember it can do better than light speed despite not having any visible engines.) Massive Imperial Combat Command Center or Deathstar for short, Lachdanan was chewing on his fingernails.
“This better work Vaki.” He cautioned.
“How could it fail? Let them leave and hope that they fly right to the hidden rebel base. Simplicity itself. Unless they take several diversionary routes and ditch the ship before heading to the base. But that would make the movie too long.” Vakirauta said, but he too was trying to bite Lachdanan's nails, but his air intake plate kept Lachdanan's fingers safe. For now.

The Millennium Edition came out of Hyperspace and headed straight to the secret rebel hideout, knowing they were being tracked and only hoped, that's right! Hoped that R2Boem2 had enough information to attack the Mobil...Deathstar. A moon sized battlestation that they had all of a handful of small one man fighters to attack with. Great planning Bex.
Standing, trying to look busy was a single rebel that joined because he hated working and thought he could goof off all the time by pretending to point things at other things. He's not part of this story, but it always bothered me even when I first saw it. I mean, they have all sorts of scanners and things like that, but the rebels have one guy standing in a box to check incoming ships? Maybe the Empire ain't so bad after all.
And once there, they hooked R2Boem2 to a computer to go over the plans of the Deathstar. Like they couldn't have done that on the Millennium Edition. I guess R2 is an Apple product. Assholes.
Cut here, cut there and some more. OK! Now we have the plans and Epsilon, despite having zero time in a fighter is immediately hired on as a pilot and is given access to their combat training meetings. Sure he knows one guy out of the entire universe that just happens also to be a rebel pilot. It's not like the odds were amazingly astronomical or anything.
“We have found a weakness in the Empire's plans that they would have never noticed themselves, even though they have access to much more powerful computers and annalists than we do. Sure they should have found it and a simple hood or even a screen door would make our attack useless, but they did know to put a whole bunch of anti-heavy ship weapons in the trench you have to fly down. But don't worry. Your small fighters that barely fit down this trench will be too small for them to hit.”
“Seems like a stupid plan sir.” says one of the few pilots that will survive that attack. And will you look at the odds again. It's Epsilon's friend again! VictorDoom! (Editor's note: If I used Vicky before this, oh well. I'm rereading all of it just to finish this story.)
“It's not that stupid Vicky. I use to fly my totally non-combat shuttle type craft back home. Its the same thing.” Epsilon points out.
“Ah, no it's not.” VictorDoom replies, “This is flying down a trench for several miles as we speed down it. Why don't we just fly by until we are almost on top of it and shoot it then?”
“Your opinion as been noted.” The person giving the briefing said and rolled his eyes. “Everyone is a general.” he muttered to himself.
“the Deathstar has arrived on the farside of the planet. The Deathstar has arrived on the farside of the planet.” A robotic voice called out.
“We heard you the first time!” All the pilots said in unison.

Cut to Clive loading up crates of money. Quite a bit of money too by the looks. The Rebels must do pretty good for themselves.
“So that's it. You're taking the money and leaving.” Epsilon said. Secretly he was glad. Clive kept stealing his scenes.
“Smuggler remember? Criminal? Any of that ring a bell?” Clive answered stacking some more crates of money. “Could have just paid me in bills, but no! Fucking pennies!”
“Well take care of yourself Clive. I guess that's what you're best at.” Epsilon said in a dickish tone.
“Hey, nice guild trip there guy about to go up against a military battlestation with plenty of combat hardened troops and you just left your farm.” Clive replied and stopped for a moment. “Hey. If you die, I can be the star of the sequel!”
Epsilon stomps off in his spiffy orange uniform and pouts some more. He gets to his Xwing that he knows is his because of the training he got in between the meeting and his conversation with Clive.
“Hey new guy. You want this old piece of shit R2 unit?” An extra asks. Glad to have a line because it pays more.
“You know, I really should. I've only known this R2 unit for what? Three days? And so far, my Uncle and Aunt were killed, I been shot at, forced to watch Clive impress Bex with his dashing good looks and bad boy attitude, while I, the honest upright young hero will get nothing but shoved into a dead Yak, live in a festering jungle and still not get laid!” Epsilon screamed, but took two deep breaths and said fuck it. “He'll do.”
“What a drama queen.” R2Boem2 beeped.

The Deathstar is rounding the planet. I would suggest the rest of you evacuating while the fighters cover your escape. The Empire still has a giant fleet of Star Destroyers and they must know where their newest, most expensive weapon is headed.” The Deathstar is ….”
“Shut up already!” C3Pavshaus yelled and pulled the plug on the only computer thinking clearly.
“Good job, queer looking and talking robot.” Said the senior official that should have been getting everyone on ships and getting the fuck out there. “What? You don't think there's bigotry in space?” He rolled his eyes.

Cut to the ships in space heading towards the Deathstar. Strangely, not one of them cuts and runs. But the sequence of the Xwings opening is still cool.

“Red team report in.” Red leader ordered.
“Red one standing by.”
“Red two standing by.”
“Red six standing by.”
“Red three going home because Epsilon cut in line!”
“Red four, yeah, what's up with that shit?”
'Pipe down and focus!” The leader yelled.

Back aboard the Deathstar.

“Why are we taking so long to get around the planet?” Lachdanan asked.
“We came out of hyperspace and we have to ordbit the planet to get into firing range.” a random officer told him.
“I know what we're doing. I want to know why this huge space going ship doesn't use its engines to fly around the planet and shoot. You know Bang! The movie is over.” Lachdanan asked, but everyone was pretending to be busy. “Posers.”
“Sir! Their fighters are too small! We can't hit them!” Hostilesinbound.
“How did you get in this?” Lachdanan. Asked him.
“MoonYu decided to throw me a bone.” Hostilesinbound replied. “Some fucking bone. I get to be aboard the ship that explodes. ya.” He muttered to himself.
“Alright. We have a giant moon sized battlestation and they have thirty or so single seat fighters. Tell me again why I should be worried?” Lachdanan asked, but again everyone was avoiding him. He really should brush more often.

“Several fighters have broken off from the main group. Granted thirty fighters ain't shit to the size of this base, but let's go shoot them down. I'll not use the Farce here either and like make the controls of the fighters suddenly swerve into the walls or something.” Darth Vakirauta told two really short clones.

Lot's of visual stuff. The fighters go down the trench like planned and even at speeds of hundreds of miles per hour, they start way back to make sure they fly the longest possible distance down a tight canyon.

“General Lachdana! We did a quick study of their attacks and found a weakness that we totally would have over looked during construction planning and the shake down flights or the military wargames to help us train for situations just like this!” Hostilesinbound yodeled.
“And?” Lachdanan asked.

“Hey Epsilon! They keep defeating our attack! Take your group that you trained with and wait your turn. Don't come down and save us or something.” Red leader called out.
“Not a problem boss.” Epsilon said and smiled. With Clive gone, they was nobody left to steal the scene. Except for Darth Vakirauta and R2Boem2. His smile vanished when he realized this.
“Epsilon. Start your attack. The last three failed, so yours should be fine.” Red leader said just before being killed.
“Ok, we're going in and we're going in full throttle!” Epsilon ordered
“Ah Red six? Why did we even attack anywhere else?” Red two asked.
“let's go!” Epsilon yelled and the other two followed.
“I noticed there aren't any black rebels.” Red two said as they took there turn down the canyon.
“What?” Epsilon cried out as he dodged laser blasts.
“Just thinking out loud.” Red two responded. “it's a long flight down this canyon and I like to think while driving.”
“That kind of thinking is going to get you killed!” Red three called out, but darth Vakirauta shot him instead.
“Hey Epislon? I'm going to bail out and leave you to die.” Red two reported.
“Ok, thanks for all the support keeping the enemy fighters off our guys. Oh wait, none of the escort ships stopped in one tie fighter.” Epsilon bitched.
“I'm on the leader. The Farce is strong in this one. Either that or he never flew a Xwing before today and is swerving all of the fucking place.” Darth Vakirauta told his two wingmen that he totally didn't need.
“R2, try and do something to remind you are there before getting blasted.” Epsilon asked.
“Go fuck yourse..!OW!” R2Boem2 screamed after getting shot.
“I've lost R2!” Epsilon cried over the intercom, by secretly was smiling. One less scene stealer!

“The Deathstar has cleared the planet.” A voice called out.
“You may fire when ready.” Lachdanan announced.
“You could have given that order ten minutes ago and we could have fired the very moment we cleared the planet, but no. You wanted to wait!” Hostilesinbound sneered.

“Right! Even though I got three tie fighters on my ass, I'm going to turn on the targeting computer that will make sure the fighter flies straight until I shoot!” Epsilon told the command central back on the rebel moon that was totally not even beginning to evacuate.
“Epsilon. Trust the Farce.” Xpire's voice called out. But Epsilon, under the stress of the moment ignored him.
“Fucking trust the fucking Farce!” Xpire shouted and this time Epsilon responded.
“Base. I'm getting some kind of interference.” He reported.
“Listen to me you fucking idiot!” Xpire shouted.
“Oh Old Son of a Bitch!” Epsilon exclaimed. “Aren't you dead?”
“This is my ghostly return as a more powerful being!” Xpire gloated.
“Yeah, well if you are even more powerful, why not just fight Vakirauta again and defeat him, or I don't know, anything! More powerful. You're a fucking ghost that doesn't do shit ever again!” Epsilon wailed!
“Just fucking shoot all ready!” Xpire exclaimed.
“What about Clive coming back at the last moment?”
“That happened two minutes ago you moron!” Xpire said and vanished in an invisible huff.
“Oh shit!” Epsilon exclaimed and pulled the trigger and the two torpedoes got sucked right down the vent shaft that was blow shit out into space.

“Well, I guess I won't be in anymore of this story.” Lachdanan said to himself as the Deathstar exploded.


Back on the rebel base that is still not leaving, because it's not like the empire is going to come to find out what happened to their super weapon. R2Boem2 is completely rebuilt and even though they replaced his central processors, he's still the same somehow.

There is a reward ceremony and a totally hot looking Bex, who is still upset at the little facetime she got in this story, places a medal on Epsilon and then Clive. Hardlicker burps and the entire audience applauds. Only Darth Vakirauta getting away hints at a sequel.

“I'll get you next time Epsilon! And your little dog too!” Vakiruata snarled to himself.

Truly the End.