Mooned Wars

No thanks to the impostor! I have decided to release what I got so far.

Spoiler
“Did you hear that?” C3Pavshaus asked R2Boem.
“Beep beep twirp!” R2Boem2 replied.
“Yes I know sound can't travel through space, but this is a movie so just play along.” C3Pavshaus whispered back.
“Wheeee, beep.” R2Boem2 answered.
All around them crew members were hurrying to get into place to aim at a door that the Empire would diffidently use instead of cutting through the hull anywhere else, like the command bridge.
As they waited the door began to glow as the troopers cut through it and then with a bang, they stormed through instead of throwing some gas grenades first. But clones are expendable and the first ones got shot. The crew of unarmored defenders were forced to fall back as laser blasted echoed around them even though lasers don't make sounds.
The fight raged on with the trained, armored storm troopers still getting one shotted. C3Pavshaus and R2Boem crossed the hallway in the middle of a fire fight unharmed only to have the doorway they went through explode. But they were unharmed and showed up later without any damage.
Back at the breached doorway a huge black clad figure stride in and the troopers stand at attention.
“D'Vaki in da house!” He booms and the storm troops all start dancing, raising the roof with their hands. “Bring me the passengers! I want them alive this time bitches!”
“Fucker takes all the fun out of being a storm trooper.” Says one of the troopers quietly to another.

C3Pavshaus is searching for R2Boem2. Must have gotten separated by the explosion that didn't harm either one of them. Down the hallway he sees R2Boem2 possibly being fondled by a woman. She moves off and C3Pavshaus goes up to R2Boem2.
“What up bitch?” He asks.
“Doop Beep Beep bop.” R2Boem2 replies and starts to move off.
“Hey wait up! I'm a plot device too!” C3Pavshaus shouts and follows R2Boem2.
The woman is hiding, but not very well when a Storm Trooper spots her.
“There's one!” He shouts and she one shots him before trying to kite away.
The next Trooper shoots in the back and stuns her.
“Tell Lord Vakirauta we have a prisoner.” He says to the one behind him.
“Fuck you. You tell him!”
“Hey I shot her!” The first one argues.
“What about the dead trooper?” The third asks.
“What about him?” The second asks.
“She just killed him and now is unconscious. Maybe we could, you know, have some fun?” the third says.
“And possibly piss off Vakirauta? Fuck that man!” The first says.

R2Boem2 is moving down an aisle while C3Pavshaus is whining behind him.
“Just wait up already!” C3Pavshaus cries. “I'm a poorly made robot incapable of fluid movement!”
“Beep bop bop.”
“Leave my mother out of this!” C3Pavshaus screams, but it draws the attention of a storm troop that despite orders to take prisoners, fires a full charge blast that causes C3Pavshaus to enter a restricted area that his programming should have totally prevent him from entering.
The escape pod launches and they float away. Aboard the Star Destroyer a gunner takes aim.
“Hold on. There's no life forms aboard.” Says the officer.
“What about the evidence of an escape pod making it to the planet and possible ruining our cover story?” The gunner asks, but he only gets slapped up against the head.
“Jerk. Stop wrecking the plot line!”

The Princess is escorted, unmolested, to Darth Vakirauta.
“Lord Vakirauta. I should have known it would be you.” she sneers.
“Ah Princess Bex, always a pleasure.” He snaps back. Take her away!”
“That was fast.” Says one of the troopers, but both Princess Bex and Darth Vakirauta stare him down and he mutters, “Sorry.” and takes her away.
“Holding her is dangerous.” says another underling that never has another line.
“Leave that to me.” Darth Vakirauta replies and stomps away too.
“Who the fuck did he think we were going to leave it to?” Asks another trooper.


Spoiler
Down on the surface of the strange planet, C3Pavshaus looks around.
“What a dump.” He says.
“Dwep doop beep.”
“Yeah well fuck you too. You were the one steering!” He fires back and starts off in a huff. “Just fuck you! I have had enough of your shit!”
“Blurp beee bop.”
“No! I have had it up to here with your speech impediment!” C3Pavshaus yelled back as he walks away. “You're a fucking robot! You could have been programmed to talk! But noooooo! I have to translate everything you say!”
R2Boem2 watches him crest a dune and move out of sight.
“Fuck'em if they can't take a joke.” He says to himself and starts off in the opposite direction.

R2Boem2 is traveling alone down a well worn and flat path, but his sensors tell him that bad things are about to happen. Does it matter that in the prequels he can shoot oil and fly, settings those around him on fire? Nope. Even though he is a robot, he is scared. The Jawas jump and and tase him in a surprise attack! Possibly ruining his circuits and now have to carry the heavy piece of metal back to their vehicle by hand.
Once aboard the giant armored tank of a portable store, R2Boem2 is greeted by other stolen robots.
“R2Boem2 is that you?” C3Pavshaus asked.
“Who did you think it was moron?” R2Boem2 says quietly to himself. “I guess we all really do look alike.” Suddenly they can feel the huge craft start moving its extremely high center of gravity over the soft sands of the desert planet. The vibration is bad enough to shake everything around, also possibly damaging already dinged up equipment.
“Do you think he really is going to try and put every little scene in this parody?” C3Pavshaus asked.
“How the fuck should I know?” R2Boem2 fired back. “I'm not the one writing this shit!”
“I think I liked it better when you just beeped all the time.” C3Pavshaus said and turned his attention to the attractive walking gas pump. “Hey good looking. Got any diesel?”
Spoiler
“Epsilon!” A woman's voice called out.
“Yes Aunt Soon to be killed?” Epsilon called back.
“Make sure Uncle Also Soon to be killed gets a martial aide bot!” She says.
“I'll tell him, but you may just have to sleep with him!” Epsilon shuddered before joining his uncle looking over the robots.
“We take the wrong one there and have you got any that can take a you know what with?” The Jawa looks at him as several of the younger ones run to throw up.
“squeekie squeekie” It may have said. Epsilon starts looking over the Gas Pump bot and rubbing its side.
“Hey baby...,”
“Epsilon! Take that wrong robot and this faggy looking one in to be cleaned.” His uncle said pointing to C3Pavshaus.
“But I was going to go and try and hit on the whores at Tashi Station.” He protested.
“You can go and dip you wick in a Wookie Pookie later. I need to get these possibly stolen, dirt cheap robots laundered quickly to hide where they really came from!” Uncle Also to be killed said in a raised voice. Epsilon pouted and kicked at the sand.
“Let's go, you too wrong robot.” He said, but the wrong robot blew its top.
“Uncle Also soon to be killed! This robot has a bad agent! We'll never find it work!” The Uncle gets red faced and the Jawa shrinks a little.
“Fucking me over huh?” He shows a blaster hidden under his drab overcoat.
“Excuse me sir, but that right robot over there is the one you really should buy. Not that I'm threatening you kill you in your sleep if you don't.” C3Pavshaus said.
“Uncle Also soon to be killed! How about that other R2 unit?” Epsilon called out.
“Yeah, whatever.” He replied and grabbed the Jawa. “Fuck with me again and I'll shove my nephew so far up your ass...” He continued for several more minutes, but Epsilon had taken the droids inside already.


Spoiler
Down in the bunker, Epsilon is cleaning up R2Boem2.
“Oh yeah baby, Oh yeah.” R2Boem2 said. “Yeah, stick that wrench in. Harder bitch harder!”
“C3Pavshaus, what is this R2 unit saying?” Epsilon asked while jamming the wrench in harder.
“Ah..., I'm not sure. But I can assure you that it's not sexual in anyway.” C3Pavshaus tried to give R2Boem a dirty look, but his face was made of metal.
“Well that's too bad because Uncle..,” Epsilon was interrupted by a hologram appearing.
“Help me you son of a bitch! You owe us!” Said the image of a girl. It phased out and then repeated itself.
“Holy shit!” Epsilon yelled. “Got any of her without her clothes on?” The image flickered again and repeated itself. “Who is she?”
“How should I know? I was only on the ship with her and my computer of a brain isn't good at remembering anything unless it helps the plot to move.” C3Pavshaus said.
“Tell him to jam the wrench in again. I was so close!” R2Boem2 beeped.
“Well I have to go eat with my soon to be dead relatives, You two stay put. I will be back to finish rubbing you down.” Epsilon got up and left the room.
“What the fuck's wrong with you?” C3Pavshaus cried.
“What?” R2Boem2 replied. “Its not like I'm sticking around.”
“You better not leave me here alone. I think the uncle wants me.” C3Pavshaus said in a hushed voice.


“Well that was a waste of a time” Epsilon said coming back into the bunker. “Hey! Where did R2 go?”
“Said something about finding the son of a bitch the hologram talked about.” C3Pavshaus said.
“Shit. I wonder if he means old Xpire. He's a son of a bitch.
“Better than staying here and getting killed with your aunt and uncle.” C3Pavshaus added. Epsilon nodded.
“Yeah, fuck them.”


Epsilon and C3Pavshaus hopped into Epsilon's speeder and took off across the desert.
“Put you arms down!” Epsilon ordered and C3Pavshaus lowered his arms he had been waving back and forth, enjoying the ride.
“Hardass.” He mumbled.
“You say something?” Epsilon asked, but C3Pavshaus shook his head. “Well keep it that way.”
“So you don't care that your sensors are showing a droid up ahead?” C3Pavshaus asked in a sarcastic tone.
“There he is!” Epsilon called out. “Amazing how far he got in such a short time without being stolen again.” They pulled along side R2Boem2.
“Hey now that I got you way out here in the waste land, do you care that there are a group of hostilesinbound closing in?” He beeped.
“What?” Epsilon asked.
“He says you are about to get you ass kicked.” C3Pavshaus translated.
“Well I would like to see someone try.” Epsilon boasted just before getting kicked hard straight up through the legs by a Hostilesinbound. “Ooomph!” He let out as he fell to the ground.
“Yeah baby!” Hostilesinbound shouted pumping his hand into the air. “Another one bites the dust!” But suddenly there was a weird sound coming and Hostilesinbound freaked and took off.
“What a pussy.” R2Boem2 said to himself.
“If you want. I can leave you here for when he comes back.” Said a stranger.
“Ah, no.” R2Boem2 replied.
“I thought not.” The stranger said. Epsilon came to then and stared up at the stranger.
“Xpire?”
“Come on shake a leg young Epsilon. Hostilesinbound will be back and in great force soon.” Xpire said.
“Wait where's C3Pavshaus?” He looked around and saw C3Pavshaus had fallen and couldn't get back up.
“Just leave me here Master Epsilon.” He whimpered.
“Ok. Let's go guys.” Epsilon said, but Xpire whispered in his ear about how much the scrap metal was worth. “On second thought, I guess we can save you. For now.”
Just heading out, will read later.
Spoiler
www.jeffbradleyphotography.com
Spoiler



Spoiler
We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.
Last edited by Pavshaus on Dec 7, 2013, 7:26:36 PM
Spoiler
Meanwhile back on the Deathstar (Why the empire would name it that is a little strange. Sure the Emperor is evil, but you still have to govern the populace. Maybe should have called it the Grand Imperial Command Station.)

“General Lachdanan, I thought I recognized your foul stench when I came aboard.” Princess Bex said. Darth Vakirauta was glad his face was hidden behind the mask.
“Listen, I had a bad experience as a child in the shower, so deal with it.” Lachdanan replied.
“You could at least brush your teeth! Phew!” She waved her hand in front of her face.
“Charming as always. Take her away!” Lachdanan ordered and Darth Vakirauta was happy to escort her away. His filters did nothing to stop the smell.

Now back to Luk.., Epsilon!

“So Epsilon, what brings you out to this desolate region?” Xpire asked. Epsilon was busy trying to put C3Pavshaus back together, put several important parts were missing.
“That little R2 unit has a message for some Old Son of a Bitch.” He said and went back to slamming the bolt in C3Pavshaus's head with a hammer.
“Old Son of a Bitch? I haven't heard that name in a long time.” Xpire said, leaning back with a double scotch on the rocks.
“You know who it is?” Epsilon asked, now using an angle cutter. Sparks are flying everywhere.
“Yeah, I know who it is. Its me you dolt.” He sneered and picked up a remote and pointed it at R2Boem2.
“Well then check your messages. I ain't no secretary.” Epsilon shouted back over the sounds of the jackhammer.
“Little lower.” Pleaded C3Pavshaus. “Ah yeah!”
“I can never remember my password.” Xpire said while punching numbers into the remote. Finally, he got it right and the message started from the beginning.
“Old Son of a Bitch, you owe us! My father made sure that the bodies were never recovered! You promised that you would pay us back and now its time you fucking deadbeat!” The image flickered, but started again. “This droid has some serious shit stored on it and you will take it to the rebels. Don't make me bring up your..” There was more, but Xpire hit the mute.
“Well, I'm boned.” He said.
“Well then, I guess I go back to the farm and jack off some more. Come C3Pavshaus. I think you'll do.” Epsilon said.
“No, you need to stay here and learn the ways of the Farce.”Xpire said locking the door. “Besides your Aunt and Uncle are already dead by now.”
“This does save a lot of time and effort for moonYu.” Epsilon said, sitting back down.


CUT! Back to the Grand Imperial Command Station!

“Holding Bex is dangerous. She has a loyal following of stalkers.” Bermalberist1 said.
“Oh right. Here we are on the fucking largest battleship ever built and you are worried about Solwitch and ARPGfan?” Fire Kid screamed at the top of his lungs. He was tired of being ignored and this would be his only line in this story.
“She's a fickle woman.” Bermalberist1 protested. He slumped back in his chair.
“This technological nightmare is but a speck compared to the power of the Farce.” Darth Vakirauta sneered.
“Hey!”
“No offensive Nightmare90. Just a idiom.” Darth Vakirauta apologized. Nightmare90 still continued to pout and mutter obscenities.
“Yo Darth! Your sad devotion to that dead religion of Farce is almost as bad as Fire Kid's devotion to puns or my devotion to lifting.” Bermalberist1 called out.
“I find your lack of compassion troubling.” Vakirauta replied, raising his middle finger. Bermalberist1 started choking and everyone around him got a worried look on their face.
“Enough of these petty penis power games! Darth, release him!” Ordered Lachdanan.
“But I'm not doing anything to him.” He protested. An aide step forwarded and did the Heimlich. Bermalberist1 coughed out a large object.
“Funny, I didn't remember eating that.” He said, “Anyway Lord Vakirauta. I find it amusing that even as the Emperor’s number one man, as set up in all the other movies, you are taking orders from a mere general.”
“Yeah what's up with that?” Nightmare90 added. Fire Kid wanted to say something, but he still didn't have anymore lines.


Spoiler
“So just what is this Farce you speak of?” Epsilon asked.
“It is what binds us together, like a bad pun. You laugh even as you groan. As a Java master you can influence the Farce to your benefit.” Xpire said and winked.
“It controls us?” Epsilon was incredulous.
“Well in this movie, it is more of an abstract. Its wielders have skill, but unlike the rest of the series, especially the prequels, its more of a vaguely religious undertone.” Xpire said opening up a chest. On top are a bunch of porno magazines. Epsilon tries to grab one, but gets his hand slapped. “Later.” Xpire finally finds what he is looking for.
“What's that?” Epsilon asks and gets slapped.
“I was getting to it! Now sit down and shut your fucking pie hole!” Xpire snapped. Epsilon rubbed his face and realized Xpire really was an old son of a bitch. “Now this was your father's Laser Sword.” He said holding out flashlight. “No wait! That's my flashlight” He turns it on and looks into the chest some more.
“You said my father was a Java?” Epsilon asked.
“Nope. You merely have inferred it.” Xpire replied and finally brought out a simple looking tube. He flicked the on switch and a beam of light moved out of it with some cool sound effects.
“Can I play with it?” Epsilon asked and Xpire handed it to him, but then moved a safe distance away.
“But yes, your father was a Java Warrior.” Xpire opened one of the mags. “Pretty good with the ladies too.”
“So what happened to hm that required dumping me on this shithole of a planet?” Epsilon asked making circles with the laser sword. The cat was going nuts trying to jump on it, but Epsilon just laughed.
“Well long story short, he was killed by another Java Warrior. Darth Vakirauta.” Xpire turned the page and his eyes widened as he had to turn the magazine a little.
“As long as you aren't lying to me and hiding the fact that my father actually is Darth Vakiruata.” Epsilon said, poking the magazine with the laser Sword, causing it to catch fire.
“That would just be stupid.” Xpire said putting the fire out. “Totally make no sense really and ruin what could have been a much better series if Vakirauta was your father's friend, but then ends up betraying him.”
“Yeah, because then they would compound the problem by making me have some sister I never knew of and Darth Vakirauta's Farce abilities should have made it apparent when he tortures her, that she is in fact his daughter.” Epsilon said sitting back down.
“I know, right?” The powers of the Farce could really get out of hand in future installments.” Xpire yawned. “Anyway, let's go find a space ship. This place is too boring.”
Spoiler
“Behold! Moss Eisly, the most wretched hive of scum and villainy this side of Silocibe's threads.” Xpire said.
“Wow. Worse than Moon's” Epsilon asked.
“Let's not get carried away now boy.” Xpire shook his head as they moved into the city. Inside the city, they came to a squad of Storm Troopers manning a roadblock.
“You own these droids?” The leader asked.
“These are not the droids you are looking for.” Xpire said.
“These are not the droids we are looking for, move along.” The squad leader said and they moved on.
“I thought we were goners!” Epsilon after catching back his breath.
“Just took a bribe to the right person. Never saw me slip him the fifty did you?” Xpire smirked. “Oh and you owe me fifty.”

They made their way to a seedy bar and Xpire smiled. They didn't have his picture up on the do not serve wall. They entered the bar and the bartender looked them and shouted,
“Hey we don't serve their kind here!”
“No shit, they're robots and don't require any food or drink.” Epsilon shouted back.
“Never mind then.” The bartender said and went back to watering down the whiskey. Xpire moved off leaving Epsilon alone at the bar.
“I don't like you!” Said Toxic Ratt.
“I get that a lot.” Epsilon answered back.
“He doesn't like you either.” Toxic Ratt said pointing to another alien.
“Whoa whoa whoa!” Don't go getting me involved!” Shouted Velocireptile, but no one could understand him with his mouth full of shrimp.
“I can just move down there if you like.” Epsilon pointed out.
“I rather do something stupid and possibly get killed or maimed” Toxic Ratt replied.
“This little one is not worth the trouble, come let me buy you a drink you filthy rotten stinking parasite on the universe's ass.” Xpire offered, trying to defuse the situation.
“I'm not with him.” Velocireptile tried to say, but he had just jammed another handful of shrimp in his mouth.
“I rather you kill me and cut this ugly thing's arm off!” Toxic Ratt shouted.
“What? No! I don't even know this guy!” Velocireptile almost got out, but Xpire had enough and killed Toxic Ratt and cut off Velocireptile's arm.
“Mother fucker!” He screamed. “Free shrimp during happy hour is not worth this!” But everyone had gone back to ignoring him. He wiped away a tear and picked up his severed arm and left the bar. “Assholes.” He said under his breath as he exited to outside.

Back at the bar Xpire introduced Epsilon to a huge hairy beast.
“Epsilon, this is Hardlicker. He's first and only mate a ship that may suit our needs.”
“Huh?” Epsilon asked with a mouthful of free shrimp. Xpire closed his eyes and counted to ten.
“Follow me.” He said and as he walked away he muttered to himself. “Idiot.” Hardlicker led them to a table were a Indiana Jones type was sitting alone nursing his drink.
“I'm Clive Howlitzer, captain of the Millennium Edition.” He said. “Licky here tells me that you need a fast ship.”
“How did he tell you that when we just got here at the same time?” Xpire asked.
“Hey! I want to know why Moon didn't write himself in as Han Solo.” Epsilon said looking around, but Moon was nowhere to be seen.
“I think his ego got in the way and he's planning to make himself the Emperor.” Hardlicker answered. “Not that he's going to do an Empire Strike Back story.”
“Better not. This one sucks enough as is.” Clive said and everyone agreed. “So go to the ship and wait for me. I have to kill someone first to prove my street cred.”




Sorry, but work got in the way or there would be more.
The farce is strong in this one.
"Withdrawing in disgust is not the same as apathy"

Epic read so far, wtb trilogy
Twitch.tv/Nithryok
No! This will be the only one. Too much work! And speaking of work, the suits will be in today, so no writing. Maybe tomorrow I'll have more. After a few hundred failed attempts to get off the beach to lighten my mood.
Told you I would get back to it. Also did some work on Fear's and started Spoonman's Sorry Boem. Your story as is, is dead. I'll try something later for you.

Spoiler
“Going somewhere Clive?” Spoonman asked with a blaster in his hand.
“Well I was going to see your boss, but I guess I could just stick around here and..,”
“Wait! I'm the one you kill to establish your street cred?” Spoonman asked as they sat back down at Clive's table.
“You must of pissed Moon off something fierce.” Clive offered.
“Yeah,I said he was no DaleWinters and he's taken it personally ever since. Making sure I get hurt badly or worse in all his stories now.” Spoonman looked very depressed.
“Well if it makes you feel any better..,”Clive said, but shot Spoonman through the table before finishing the sentence.
“Fuck!” Spoonman screamed.
“Ah, you're suppose to be dead already.” Clive pointed out and shot Spoonman again.
“Son of a bitch! In the head! In the head!” Spoonman screamed. “Just fucking shoot me in the head!”
“I would, but Moon keeps making me miss!” Clive apologized and shot him two more times.
“Ow ow ow ow!”
“Sorry Spoonman, I got to go. Maybe someone else can finish you off.” Clive offered and there were a sea of hands from volunteers at the bar.

Clive left the bar and headed to the ship. There he found Wretch the Butt. (let's face it, pizza the hut has already been done!)
“Hey Wretch.” He said and the Wretch's men waved until he glared at them.
“Howlitzer! Did you have to shoot Spoonman?” He croaked.
“What's wrong with the voice?' Clive asked.
“Fucking Eutychus gave me the flu.” He coughed and cleared his throat.
“Well get plenty of fluids, but I got to run. You know, gotta keep the story moving.” Clive said and headed up the ramp.
“What about you shooting your way out of here?” Wretch asked.
“Moon decided to skip that part too.”


Spoiler
“What a piece of junk!” Epsilon said.
“I've made a lot of modifications myself.” Howlitzer replied.
“To what? The bathroom?” Xpire quiped.
“Yes. I put in a low flush toilet and cost effective lighting.” Clive said opening the door to the bathroom.
“Ooh! You mind? I ate some bad Java earlier.” Xpire asked, grabbing a copy of the Daily BMBI with him. “I feel a coming disturbance in the Farce.”
“Come on Hardlicker, let's get this space freighter moving. It doesn't become the best fighter in the rebellion until later.” Clive said and him and Hardlicker went to the cockpit.
Epsilon and C3Pavshaus sit down at a small table with R2Boem2 hitting on the auxiliary life support systems.
“Hey good looking, want to kill all humans?” He beeped.
“Knock it off R2Boem2!” C3Pavshaus shouted. “that's a different show!”
Just then the ship shuddered and Epsilon started to feel ill.
“Stupid motion sickness.” He muttered to himself.
“Hey space pilot, we haven't taken off yet. That was just Xpire flushing.” C3Pavshaus pointed out.
“I wouldn't go in there for a while if I were you.” Xpire said joining them at the table. This time the ship actually did take off into space. Back down on the floor of the hanger a group of Storm Troopers rushed in and looked upward.
“Fuck! Late again!” The leader said throwing his helmet to the ground.
“We could go and shoot Spoonman some more if it would make you feel better.” Another one offered.
“Ok. Let me get my helmet.”

Back aboard the Imperial Command Station, Darth Vakirauta has “questioned” his prisoner. Totally unaware that she is suppose to actually be his daughter. Must be his mastery of the Farce isn't yet fully developed like it is in the prequels.
“Ah Princess Bex.” Lachdanan said greeting her with a shit eating grin. “I'm so glad you have decided to join us.”
“Go fuck yourself.” She replied and Darth Vakirauta had to stifle a laugh.
“Charming as ever.” Lachdanan retorted, but everyone in the command area gave the point to Bex. “Thought you might want change your mind about not ratting out the rebellion, or we could just blow up your home planet.” He snapped his fingers and the viewing port opened to show Alderon square in the middle of it.
“Do it. I dare you. Go on do it.” Bex prodded him.
“What?” Lachdanan asked. He was confused and looked to Darth Vakirauta, but he was busy staring down Bex's shirt.
“What's the matter Lachdanan? No balls?” She asked in a little girl's voice. “Let a real woman show you how it's done! Fire the fucking gun bitches!” She shouted and the gun crew jumped to their stations and triggered the weapon. Alderon exploded before them.
“Fuck ya! Let's go blow up something else!” She shouted and high fived the gun crew.
“Well that didn't go as expected.” Darth Vakirauta said to no one in particular.

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