To anyone dealing with depression

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Avireyn wrote:

Very true. There is a reason why men make up between 75% sand 80% of suicides of most Western countries.

Much as I hate to say it, genetics has a lot to do about this. Ever since the early days before we invented fire, men and women have been different. Men were the strong hunters we killed animals for food, and women were at home taking care of the children and the house. We like to say men and women are equal today, but we are not. We could go the obvious route and say women often are paid less than men in the same jobs, especially in prestigous jobs like leaders and so on. But even in our personal lives, men are still used to be the strong one in the family. If the children are feeling sad, they can talk to mom or dad. If mom feels sad, dad is there for her. And while this could come out sexist, it's my experience that women share their feelings with their female friends far more than men do with their male friends. This comes down to the children coming to the parents for support and comfort, and mom comes to her friends and dad for support and comfort. But who can dad talk to? He's usually left alone. It's easy to be strong for someone else, but being strong for yourself is an entirely different matter.

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In closing, I would like to share this video, because Elynole reminded me of the fact that our societies often treat the very people defending them nothing like they deserve.

Allow me to share a song too, please. This one's from Manowar, one of my favorite metal bands. The song is really slow, though. It's called Blood Brothers, and is all about true friendship. I absolutely love this song. It ha helped me and several other people I know though many difficult times.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6_VpHV5SuIM

@ExileDude: Agreed. And whether it's sexist or not - it still is very true in a lot of cultures. My own dad used to educate us boys with "A man knows no pain" whenever we were hurt.
It's a bit off-topic, but if you feel like hearing a bit more about it, I recommend you check out this video about male disposability.


Anyhow - that Manowar song reminds me of my brother. He's the one I go to (and I am the one he goes to) when things turn to shit. We know we can rely on each other, unconditionally and always.

Thanks for sharing!

@ Peachii

A gaming forum may be the ideal place to talk. Particularly this one.

No, this isn't a fanboy statement.

This is a forum for a closed beta game. The peple who post here are, I believe, intelligent and articulate above the norm. There are posters here working towards medical and other degrees, towards doctorates and in research. There are also a great many other posters who may not have so much education but who have vast amounts of maturity and common sense, which is sometimes more important!

Additionally there is the fact that we are anonymous. We reveal only what we wish. There is also a private communication channel.

And, finally, there is the care and concern evidenced by the postings in this thread.

I'm a get-it-done kinda guy. I mean, usually at the last minute, but I get it done.

This year, I was...tasked with the caretaking of my grandmother, who lived with us when I was a kid but had until recently lived her own life after I moved out of home. This recent role began with osteoporosis September last year and her realising she was losing her fiercely-guarded independence and ended in September this year the way most people's stories end.

As some of you may know from my meet-me post, I'm also working on a PhD. This is just a lot of writing. A lot of writing and a lot more researching. It's not what you'd call stressful in the moment, but the weeks and months can fly by.

I didn't realise it until she'd passed, but the situation with my grandmother really got to me. It destroyed my PhD productivity and emotionally burdened me with lots of thoughts and sensations that were both new and painful. I mean, you don't think about it at the time, but if you're visiting a nursing home several times a week for hours on end (and it's not your job, you're not exactly trained for it), you're 'dealing' with life and death in one of the worst ways: inevitable and resigned.

Anyway, after she passed, I tried to get back to life. Didn't go so hot. So I've realised, for the first time ever, I may need 'therapy'. I put it in inverted commas because I've always felt 'therapy' is for other people. People not so...blessed as me.

I'm not sure if this is classed as 'depression' but I just wanted to share that it's not always chronic or easily diagnosed. Sometimes what life deals you can be enough to put you in a space where you need to reach out, not to family and friends but to someone who is capable of helping you get back to where you were.

Even now I procrastinate. Part of me is like, what can a stranger do to help? Another part snarls the age-old Australianism at itself: harden the fuck up!....

But I've got things to do. I've got moving on to move on to. And I know I can't do it alone.

I guess I'm going to go ahead and weigh in here, though I don't particularly like discussing issues like this because of my personal views on appropriate behavior for men and stuff like that.

I'm probably going to piss a few of you off, and I'm okay with that. First off, I think that depression is extremely over-(self)diagnosed and it's one of those "cool" afflictions like aspergers that people like to say they have, especially artist-types. Hearing someone say they have clinical depression because they occasionally have a rough patch pisses me off to no end, since it demeans the struggle that ACTUALLY depressed people go through. Another thing I can't stand to hear is that from depression comes great art, since anyone that truly understands depression knows that if you are truly depressed then you won't be doing any art, or anything else but laying in stunned pain just trying to make it from one moment to the next. SO basically any of you that would say (I know none of you have) that you're depressed because someone died or it's the holidays can piss right off. Sadness is sadness, and mourning is mourning. They are both hard roads to walk alone, but neither is truly clinical depression.

The stereotypes posted above in earlier posts about men are very, VERY true for the men of my family (including me, to an extent). We tough it out and we don't seek help, and yes, it has killed a couple of us. When i was very young I was told by my father and my uncle that there is a "craziness" that hits the men in my family from time to time (they were using this to explain the strange behavior of my father, which I won't comment on) and that when I grow up and become a man I should be watchful of, and they told me that the best way to deal with it is to be alone as much as possible, and work as many hours as possible until it passes. Before his complete breakdown my father worked three jobs, two of them were full-time. That's three jobs at the same time, which is absolutely ridiculous to me. However as I mentioned he did finally have a breakdown that absolutely destroyed my family to the point of not being able to be repaired.

Now I know some of you think i'm a shit-poster (which I am) and some of you think i'm pretty cool (which I am), and some of you might even think I'm just a little unhinged (verdict's still out) but if I have learned anything from the men in my family (especially my father) it's that hiding yourself away and running from your depression is NOT the manly way to do things. It's the coward's way, and it's a way that is destined to fail. As the casualties in my family rise from year to year the holidays get a little less and less happy, and sometimes it feels like the "craziness" might be creeping up on me like it did my father, but at least I have the example he set forth as a way not to do things.

So yeah, get help, don't be alone. FFS don't be alone. Real men cry from time to time. Hell I cried the first time I saw the first pokemon movie...

I'm totally with you on the overdiagnosed thing, Onion. And I'm a writer, so believe me when I say I really hate it when people talk about depression as though it's part of some necessary creative cycle. I'll admit I do get bummed when I'm between projects but that's only to be expected: you're high, you're low.

As for Asperger's, I've known some people with absolutely undeniable cases thereof, but online, it's often just code for 'I'm an arsehole, I'm not as smart as I think I am and oh what are you going to do about it?!'

But as noted above, this community attracts people who display traits beyond what I'd consider 'standard' internet behaviour. If it did not, I'd not be one of your moderators, and I'd certainly not have posted in this thread to begin with.

Edit: I did say that I question whether or not what I'm experiencing is 'depression' (I think it's complicated, and has less to do with the 'grief' than the anger at certain people who allocated the task to me in the first place), so I trust that 'piss right off' is not aimed at me.

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Charan wrote:

Edit: I did say that I question whether or not what I'm experiencing is 'depression' (I think it's complicated, and has less to do with the 'grief' than the anger at certain people who allocated the task to me in the first place), so I trust that 'piss right off' is not aimed at me.

lol no no, not aimed at anyone. As I said "any of you that WOULD say (I know none of you have)". The art thing wasn't aimed at anyone particularly either, at least anyone on this forum. The comment was a holdover from a personal conversation I had about a month ago that's been sticking in my brain.

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Onionspam wrote:

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Charan wrote:

Edit: I did say that I question whether or not what I'm experiencing is 'depression' (I think it's complicated, and has less to do with the 'grief' than the anger at certain people who allocated the task to me in the first place), so I trust that 'piss right off' is not aimed at me.

lol no no, not aimed at anyone. As I said "any of you that WOULD say (I know none of you have)". The art thing wasn't aimed at anyone particularly either, at least anyone on this forum. The comment was a holdover from a personal conversation I had about a month ago that's been sticking in my brain.

Depression if often an inspiration to art. But you're probably right, that they don't write it while under a depression. But it is pretty common to see poets/lyricists/writers being influenced by their own pain.

But I agree, that many wannabe artists abuse the term "depression".

I suffer a lot from depression, my self, and without going into details about my own condition, I would just like to add, that you can indeed be productive, while under a depression. It's true that you can experience a complete shutdown, but it doesn't last forever (not for me that is), and you might return to a state where you're just plain sad all the time.

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Charan wrote:

Anyway, after she passed, I tried to get back to life. Didn't go so hot. So I've realised, for the first time ever, I may need 'therapy'. I put it in inverted commas because I've always felt 'therapy' is for other people. People not so...blessed as me.

I'm not sure if this is classed as 'depression' but I just wanted to share that it's not always chronic or easily diagnosed. Sometimes what life deals you can be enough to put you in a space where you need to reach out, not to family and friends but to someone who is capable of helping you get back to where you were.

Even now I procrastinate. Part of me is like, what can a stranger do to help? Another part snarls the age-old Australianism at itself: harden the fuck up!....

But I've got things to do. I've got moving on to move on to. And I know I can't do it alone.

As sort of already discussed about men, preconceived notions of 'therapy', 'depression' or 'mental illness' are all just the same fear of vulnerability, nothing more than the most basic primal survival instinct, as if help is going to break us down even more and destroy us; silly hey when its likely the complete the opposite? Of course someone could be so hard wired by the people they have grown up with to put on a hard front it could break them down, just another of life's great paradoxes. Ironically it is putting on a hard front that leads many people to never being able to deal with serious events in a normal emotional way or even a complete break down when shit hits the fan, like with what can happen with military veterans.

Personally I do not even think you need a good reason to examine yourself or have someone else help you with it, it is called introspection or even a simple curiosity of life's workings/mysteries and is so lacking in the modern world because just about everyone is obsessed with the notion of moving ahead and justifying their existence by some notion of productivity or worth.

Having had a drug induced psychosis for two years after giving up cannabis at 18, with small bouts of depression, then losing all the years from age 20-30 with chronic fatigue syndrome, (which is really an auto immune disease and makes most things look like a stroll in the park) I am pretty use to it all though; you learn to enjoy the grind after a while.

Have found over the years all this is a great excuse to delve into the great philosophers or great philosophies as well, like the Tao or Buddhism, those two especially recognise the trivial nature of all the false constructs of meaning we create which cause suffering (at least in the most basic materialistic sense), and do not prejudice over one thing or the other.

Losing most of my friends due to my circumstances, having little formal education, no career path or prospects, losing all ability to participate in basic leisure activity and not getting any younger at 31 can still be very daunting, then I remind myself we are on a tiny planet that has been revolving around a star for billions of years in a vast incredible universe, that my worries are all so trivial as are the made up social constructs I think I should be working towards. What is not so trivial is what is beyond our anxieties, the simple ability to be open to everything, the most beautiful calm.

On a more practical note anyone with depression really needs to try and distinguish whether it is coming from a genuine emotional/mental place or could have an organic base, basic nutritional or vitamin deficiencies, bacterial/vital infections, chemical exposures, can all be triggers; a sudden chronic onset with no history can be a sure sign of something else. Nothing scares me more than to see people who have spent years on some questionable medication getting therapy only to figure out years later their problem has a purely organic base, using a mental illness as a diagnosis over real detective work for doctors is all too common I am afraid.

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Charan wrote:

Anyway, after she passed, I tried to get back to life. Didn't go so hot. So I've realised, for the first time ever, I may need 'therapy'. I put it in inverted commas because I've always felt 'therapy' is for other people. People not so...blessed as me.

And here's another big problem with depression. "Therapy is for crazy people." Isn't that what most people think? I mean, think about it. Everyone can be a bit... excentric... at times, and most people enjoy goofing off from time to time. We can all do things other people think are weird. But how bad must our brains function before we realise we not only have a problem, but we are seeking professional help to solve it? That again means going to therapy has gotten a bad name it doesn't deserve.

As I said earlier, depression (and other mental conditions) are on the inside, so it's easy to put up a stupid smile, walk through the day and pretend everything is fine. As a result, everyone you meet will simply see the smile, hear your laughter and assume everything is fine. But if you then tell someone you are going to a therapist, they might get the wrong idea. Depression is definitely a mental thing, but it's not a disease or anything like that. You are not crazy. You have just suffered more than you could handle, and that can happen to anyone at any time.

My cousin and a few of his friends were at a friend's house, and all of them were having a lot of fun. After some time, they heard the friend's mother's car stop outside, so they expected her to show up after a few minutes. Problem was a few minutes turned to a few minutes more, and after fifteen minutes with no mother showing up, they went to see what was taking her so long. She could simply have gone shopping, and had too many grocery bags to carry inside, or something like that. What had really happened was that she had parked in a small hill next to the house like she always had, but she had accidentally left it in neutral and without the handbrake. The car started rolling without her noticing before it was too late, and she got run over by her own car. I'm not entirely sure about the details how far it rolled, how steep the hill was and all that, but the result was the mother died. That's how quickly things can go from good to really bad, and it can happen to anyone.

Just two days ago, I was driving in the dark when some guy walked across the road in front of me. He was wearing black boots, black pants and a black hoodie with the hood pulled up, and it was just luck that I saw him in time. If I had seen one second later, he would be lucky if he only ended up in the hospital. And for that matter, I had another cousin who had a loving wife and three loving children, and they were all happy. My cousin loved to go cayaking, and the weather was pretty nice one night. So out he went... but never returned. Somehow the cayak had rolled over, and he hadn't been able to get out in time. Sigh... We were never that close, but I do miss having him around.

The point is stuff like that happens all the time, and to anyone. So what do you do if you are the one who suffers from depression? Do you swallow it up and pretend everything is fine, or do you try to get help? And do you dare to admit you are getting help? Mental illness isn't worse than physical illness, so why is it so "taboo" to talk about it? Why is it "wrong" to tell people you are going to a therapist to get help, but perfectly fine to say you are going to a normal doctor or dentist? For that matter, why is it perfectly fine to wear glasses, but many people are ashamed to wear hearing aids?

Edit: Massive wall of text, sorry.