Very upset, mom and dad lied to me (mostly dad) - need someone good at Math

Hey guys, I am so F$^%#@G upset right now. My mom and dad told me they would buy me a few Carnage Mystery Boxes if I did some chores around the house. Well it was my dad actually and my mom, as usual, just agreed with my dad and said it was a good idea because it would help me become a man and also learn Math. Now before I continue, I should mention that my dad is such a freaking liar, and always gets me blamed for stuff which my mom then spanks me for. So this time I figured I would write a legally binding contract (since when I grow up I want to be a lawyer - so good practice I thought), and both me and my dad would sign.

The way we would figure out how many Carnage Mystery Boxes I would get was based on how many hours I worked shown by this equation, where x = number of hours worked and thus y = total Carnage Mystery Boxes, and if you are wondering about the constant, number 24, that's the number of hours in a day:




Well the first day my dad made me do some regular house chores, I mowed the lawn, took the garbage out, and even cleaned the pool. The next day he told me to run some malware detection on his computer. Well while I was doing it, he told me POE was running slow so make sure to open it and make sure it was running fine. Well he logged into his account and told me to run Dried Lake once. I did nothing was wrong.

He then told me that for the rest of the day to just keep farming Dried Lake and to drop everything in his Stash. At first I was like "F-no Dad! This isn't what mom meant when she said I would learn to be a man." But, my dad being the A-hole he is, basically told me either do it or he would tell my mom that I basically did no work, and thus wouldn't be getting any Carnage Mystery Boxes.

I thought about it for a few seconds, and thought "Whatever, at least I will get my Boxes." So from then on, every day I would just be farming for my dad, and soon began to do trades for him as well. I found myself playing more and more each day, because I kept logging in those hours and just the thought of hundreds of Carnage Mystery Boxes really gave me tunnel vision. I saw my goal ahead of me and nothing else mattered. I even skipped school on the 5th day of "work" (Friday). I figured, well its the last day I will be doing this anyways, so whatever.

Saturday morning I went to my dad and asked him when I was receiving my Carnage Mystery Boxes. He looked at me and then looked away, "Well your mother and I are trying to teach you about the real world, and in the real world you get paid every 2 weeks, not every week." and then he smirked. I couldn't take it. "WTF!?" I yelled, "You never told me that dad!" To which I knew exactly what he would reply, even before he said it, "Welcome to the real world son."

The weekend, and the following week my dad put me back to work playing his account. I told him I didn't want to, but he told me that just like the real world, if you quit mid-job you didn't get paid, and I didn't want to lose out on all the hard work I had put in the previous week. So I just kept playing his account and making him tons of Exalts. See my dad is a terrible gamer. I on the other hand, was running maps, crafting gear, rolling essences, scamming people with lifesprigs, I was doing it all, and my dad was really seeing the benefits. I wanted to do a really good job to not give my dad any other excuse not to pay me.

Well the following Friday came and I was ecstatic. "F-YUH! Going to get my Carnage Mystery Boxes!" I was thinking all day. Well as you might have guessed when I went to my dad for payment he had another excuse, "It's in the mail."

"WTF!?" I yelled, louder than last time, "Why is it in the mail!? We live at the same address, why can't just give it to me!?"

"Because, I am trying to prepare you for the real world, and in the real world, you have to wait for the mail to get your paycheck. The United State Postal Service of America". "...of America?" I thought, but didn't say anything. He really was an idiot.

I ran outside just to check the mailbox to see if he was playing some sort of stupid trick on me, and nothing there. I ran back in and before I could say anything, he goes "I drove down to South Carolina yesterday and mailed it from there, since my own company's HQ is in SC. It should take about a week to get here."

"This is BS! I am telling mom" I yelled. Right then I felt a very tight grip on my ballsack. My dad pushed me against the wall with force, "Listen you little shit, if you tell your mother anything, I will rip your balls off." I broke free of his grip, crying and with no feeling left in my crotch I hobbled away to bed. I felt so helpless.

I had no choice but to wait for the United States Postal Service (USPS). Well Monday morning came, and as I was headed out the door for school, my dad's hand suddenly appeared ahead of me. "Going to need some over time this week boy." he said pointing to my ballsack. The pain still fresh I decided not to mouth off.

The week went by pretty slowly, with me just farming Dried Lake, Maps, and also leveling a Flicker Strik build which was giving me seizures. Then on that Wednesday something out of the ordinary happened. I was grabbing the mail from the mailbox for my parents as usual, and there was a thick envelope addressed to me. Whoa!

I ran inside as fast as I could, tossed my parents mail on the dinner table, ran upstairs to my room to open the first paycheck of my life. I remember thinking to myself how I would deposit a paycheck, since I don't even have a checking account. I called my friend Chad, he didn't pick up so I left a message, "Yo! Meet me at my house my [Removed by Support]! We need to open a bank account! Be bout dat lyfe nao!". I said that jokingly and tossed the phone away as I jumped on my bed with joy and started thinking of all the Carnage Mystery Boxes I could buy with this, after all I had been working for 3-weeks; yeah I know the paycheck was for 2-weeks of work.

When I finally opened the letter, after staring at it for five whole minutes, I didn't understand what I was looking at first. It seemed to be an extra large index card which had "$1,000,000" written on each of the four corners with a green Crayola Crayon and a picture of Uncle Scrooge from Duck Tales. My ears felt warm. Sidebar, usually when I got very angry my ears would turn red and start burning. I don't know why but they did, and this was a sign; enough is enough. I thought to myself, it would be better to live without my balls than without my pride, and I wasn't going to let him get away with this. Plus I had a legally binding contract. The law was on my side. I was going to tell my mom everything.

I ran right into my parent's room and yelled "WTF is this crap!?", holding up the fake million dollar bill. Mom wasn't there, my dad was alone. He let out a sigh, "Oh that. Well there are a lot of scammers out there son, and you just got scammed. That's the harsh reality of the world boy. You need to make sure the company you work for has an EIN. Employee Identification Number. You can't just go around and work for any old company. This here was a fake company. But now you know how to protect yourself from scammers." He paused for a second, "You're welcome."

"EIN what!?", I snapped back. Before he could continue to the next sentence I elbowed my dad in the balls. He was sitting on the bed, side ways to the door, so he didn't see it coming. I raised my elbow and lunged in the air towards him, landing on his crotch, "You MFer!" I yelled. My dad curled up in a ball, but not for long. He tried to grab my balls and pull me towards him, but this time I was prepared and quickly dodged. I then turned around and began to run, with him in close pursuit.

Pretty soon my dad and I were running in circles around the kitchen table. Then suddenly my dad just leaped over the table and got a hold of the back of my sweatshirt. I was trying my best to break free, but my dad is a lot stronger than I am, so I was just running in place. He climbed over the table while managing to keep a hold of my sweatshirt. Having no other choice left to me, I began to donkey kick my dad in the crotch repeatedly. After 4 or 5 kicks he let go and fell to the ground groaning. Free at last I thought it best to just run out of the house and call the FBI, since counterfeit currency is a federal crime; I remember seeing that on NCIS. I opened the door and as I took my first step out of the house, I ran into my mom who was carrying in the groceries.

"What in Jesus's name is going on here?" she yelled running to my dad to help him up. Before I could catch my breath, my dad began his lies, "He doesn't want a baby brother, so he started donkey kicking me in the private baby. He is a devil child I swear to Jesus!"

"What!?" my mother yelled. "What in Jesus's name are you saying?" she said motioning to my dad. So another thing you should know, my mom is a big religious freak. And, my dad knew exactly how to play her. Whenever he wanted something he would just start with Jesus this and Jesus that.

"That's not..." before I could finish my mom made a shush sign, "I'll get to you in just a little bit mister!. She then turned back to my dad. "Like I said, I was just reading the paper and he come out of no where, pushed me down and started to go to town on my willy. He is trying to stop us from having another child. I am telling you, we need to send him to military school, so help us Jesus." Dad said while still groaning from the pain. To be honest I was kind of glad I landed all those donkey kicks. He deserved it as far as I was concerned.

Now a quick side note, my mom and dad were trying to have another baby, They had a talk with me, and told me I had to be ready to empty my room, as that would be used as a nursery, and had to go live in the attic. Obviously, I wasn't happy about this, but my dad was making it sound like I would go to any length to stop the baby, and that was bullshit.

I quickly interrupted my dad, "That's not true mom. Dad has had me playing this Path of Exile account for the past 3-weeks, leveling up builds for him."

She looked confused, "Path of what now? Don't tell me you have been playing video games all month."

"No, dad made me I swear." Dad just kept shaking his head, "It ain't true baby, he's a little devil."

My mom looked at me, then went into the kitchen. I let out a sigh of relief. I thought it would be much worse. I looked at my dad and stuck my tongue out at him. "Suck it dad." I whispered, "Suck it real good." That's when I saw my mom come out of the kitchen with a frying pan, "Take off your pants and turn around...now!"

"But, I have a legally binding...", before I could finish my mom pushed me down on the couch and started to unzip my pants. I tried to fight her, but like my dad, my mom also is much stronger than I am. She forced me down on her lap, pulled off my pants and started to spank me with the frying pan. I yelled out in pure agony, but that wasn't the worst part. As I was yelling for my mom to stop, my dad stood in front of me whispering, "Suck it."

It gets worse. During all of this, I hear Chard, "Holy shit your butthole is red! Like Koolaid red." Embarrassed and helpless I yelled back, "FU Chad!" Knowing the cursing would only anger my mom further, but at this point I didn't care about anything.

Eventually, when my mom's hands began to tire and her grip loosen, I twisted and turned, and wiggled my way out, running upstairs to my room crying with my pants around my ankle. It's not fair I thought, she didn't even listen to my side.

No one came up after me, not even for dinner. The only communication I had was through texts Chad had sent. Most of them just said the same thing over and over, "DAMN SON! Mama put that frying pan to use bruh!" Stupid Chad. You wouldn't believe he had been my friend since the second grade.

Around 11 pm, my mom and dad came to my room. With my mom sobbing uncontrollably, my dad did all of the speaking, "Boy, we are going to need you to clear this room and go sleep in the attic." I just sat there in silence with my head between my knees, knowing this was all wrong. "Now, you don't need to move all your things until the weekend, but you will need to do as your mother wants and that is to sleep in the attic as of tonight." He hugged me mom and lead her out of the room, while looking back at me and smiling.

I didn't have the energy to fight any longer. I picked up my pillow and blanket and went up to the attic and lay down. After 30-minutes, I started to hear some muffled noises. I jumped up. Is it a rat? Mouse? Grasshopper? After listening closely, the voice became clearer, it was my mom and dad moaning. The attic is directly above the master bedroom. God damnit I thought, not this. I tried to roll the pillow around my ears to block out the noise, but that wasn't working. I could still hear my dad egg my mom on, "You want him to win!? You wan't him to stop us from having another baby!? No! We won't let that devil child win! We will have a do-over baby, one that we can be proud of! Praise Jesus!" and so that continued for about 2-hrs; my mom and dad having sex and yelling "Praise Jesus!" at the top of their lungs over and over. I have a feeling my dad knew I could hear everything in the attic, because he just kept going on and on.

I don't know at what point that night I fell asleep, but eventually I did. When I woke up, my parents had both left for work already. Relieved I didn't have to face either of them I went downstairs. I went to my room to grab a change of cloths and noticed my phone on my bed. I had 124 messages. Most of them included pictures of my mom spanking me the previous night. Fucking Chad. Not going to school today for sure.

Right then I noticed a piece of paper under my bed. It was the contract I had written and signed along with my dad! This was just the game changer. "Don't think like a normal person, think like a lawyer", I told myself. What would a lawyer do? I knew the contract was airtight. So I quickly got dressed and grabbed all the envelopes full of $10 and $20 bills my grandmother had sent me over the years for Christmas and my birthday. I jumped on my bike and headed down my dad and uncle's landscaping business. Look out dad here I come.

As I was approaching where my dad worked I saw Uncle J loading up the pickup with some tool. "Uncle J!" I yelled, and ran over to him, "You seen my dad?"

Right then I heard my dad's voice, "You have some nerve coming here boy." I wasn't going to let him intimidate me.

I raised up the contract, "We had a contract retard. I am going to sue you. I got $280 saved up and I am headed to the courthouse. So why don't you just save us both some trouble, huh?"

"Is that so?" my dad asked, as he motioned. Suddenly a bunch of construction workers started to appear, from practically no where and surrounded me. "You see boy, that equation you wrote, well I adjusted it a little bit. It always equals zero. If you were in school, instead of playing video games, like your mom said, you would have known a little more about that there Polynomial"

"What?" was the only thing I could get out. Suddenly 4 construction workers grabbed my arms from the back. My dad walked up slowly and without any warning, started to give me titty twisters and laugh loudly. I began to yell but my dad's office is in the middle of no where. It's a giant landscape with mulch and plants and such. Everyone around me was laughing and calling me names.

After the longest 5-minutes of my life, my dad unzipped my fanny pack and took out the $280 and yelled out, "Lunch is on me today boys! On to Golden Corral Buffet and Grill!" The men who were holding my against my will and twisting my nipples, dropped me to the ground, pickup my dad and carried him off to the car cheering. I had lost.

I lay there for a while, just staring at the contract, and couldn't help but think, was my dad right. Had I not skipped Algebra for the past month, maybe I would have known more about Polynomials. I was so obsessed with becoming a good lawyer, that I lost sight of something right in front of me. I don't want to stop dreaming to become a lawyer, and have to switch to math just to defeat my evil dad.

The only way I can ever get those Carnage Mystery Boxes now is to prove that the Polynomial formula I wrote does not equal zero. I turn to my fellow Exiles to help my prove this formula wrong. I am not a math guy, I know more about the law than anything else. If there are any Math people out there please help me solve the equation. To find some value of x which does not equal zero. I even tried to put in 1,000,000 hours into the equation but still came out with 0.

Is this the best use of your talents?

This is the most elaborate setup for a troll I have ever seen. How could you possibly get enough troll kudos, even if every poster read and believed your story, to make it worth writing all of that?

multiply both sides by -1

"

ivqancorp wrote:

To find some value of x which does not equal zero.

x=1

Glad to be of help.

"

JohnNamikaze wrote:

Just take a deep slow breath and slowly exhale out any negativity, and then slowly inhale once again for the nth power.

he'll die if he tried...to much negativity

definitely a troll post, hopefully. not sure why he tried so hard... who will be bored enough to read all that?

i mean if i'm going to read a novel... i'll read some actual books instead.

"

ScrotieMcB wrote:

Spoiler

scrotie's an ant, confirmed