Society is just not the same as it was 16 years ago and It sickens me really.

The only reason I only play PoE, was that when I was young, I had an extremely good experience with Diablo 2, but now I realize that know matter how good this game gets in the future, it will never ever be the same or even close to the happy memories I have of Diablo 2. (oh here we go life story of an "old" man incoming...no one cares but I can't sleep until I write out my feelings, so I'm typing it anyways)

When I moved here to the USA back in 2000 to be with my mother who had migrated here only a few years prior to my arrival, we were poor. My mother was an amazing woman, she started in USA back in the day with only 2000 dollars. She worked hard long hours in restaurants while getting herself into college to get a nursing degree all so I can one day live a better life; I sent myself to school, to after school, and had to learn english and all that jazz on my own (lucky I was only 7-8 at the time so I picked up the 2nd language quite fast). Needless to say I didn't make a very good starting impression with my classmates when I first arrived with my poor English and got known as pretty much the class clown and have continued to play that role even when I grew older and moved onto a different high school. But back then, I pretty much was alone, the landlord took care of me more than my mother actually did, it was them who introduced me to the world of video games like Starcraft, warcraft, diablo, and Command&Conquer series etc. The internet soon would become my "family", we played together, formed guilds in-name, celebrated new years together by doing stupid shit like filling every pixel of act4 town with gold piles of 1 and such.

It was a safe haven for me; away from the harassment I felt in school, where I had richer kids dropping potato chips on the playground floor so I can pick it up and eat it because I would, for I knew that although they saw me to be the clown, that in the end I was winning the game of life because eating what they provided means less I have to eat at home or in the near future. Practically everyday there would be students that had milks they didn't want to drink or brownies they didn't want to eat and so forth, I would then ask them for it because I wanted to help out my mother lessen the burden of having to worry about me. And although that kept me fed, all that time I've just been so alone, that everytime I contemplate on the notion of loneliness there would be just this immense teary feeling in me that just wouldn't calm down like right now because my brain has been so hard wired from my life experiences to be able to immediately sympathize with such concepts. My teachers were really the only ones I truly liked in school no matter how harsh some of them were, because in the end they made me feel like I wasn't the garbage that I was led to eat, that I was a real student of the school.

Now back to being home, there would be the joy of immersing myself into the game world where I felt like my presence actually mattered. It's not as if I'm saying dicks and internet trolls weren't around back then, hell I might have been extremely lucky to have been met with such nice players. But it is exactly because of those fond memories that I've experienced which would come to torment me in the present. Whether if it is LoL, DFO, PoE, or some other online game, I just can't help but feel that there is alot more assholes than there would've been in my younger days.

Naturally, the amount of people spending time on the net has increased dramatically since it was birthed and perhaps that is the reason why I feel this way. But then there is also the fact that things are just not the same.... An example is like when I was young, I was raised up watching show with heroes and problem solvers like ultraman, detective conan, batman, Archie's weird mysteries, Scooby Doo, etc; these shows definitely has had an impact on the way I approach problems i face and definitely has played a role in shaping the nature of my personality and ethical values. Of course it's not as if every kid was into the stuff I was into, but the immediate environment you are raised around and interact with definitely impacts you for the rest of your life. Like I still remember how in DARE camp (which I actually didn't want to join because I did not like hanging out with other kids much less camp out together with those I don't know in the woods, but my mother said it would be a good experience for me) and one night we had banging noises in the middle of the night from the backside of the cabin(door) while the other kids were having a conversation about jerking off which I did not understand at the time and just really wanted them to shut up so I could get some sleep for the next day. It was like really fucking hilarious, for as tough as they made themselves appeared to be, the moment that door was banging, one kid was like "IT'S A BEAR" and just ran outside the damn cabin frontdoor with others quickly following him all clothed in only their underwear/boxers out into the cold. Meanwhile I was just lying calmly in bed thinking about the scenarios and whether or not if a bear was actually there and piecing out my alternatives if it was a real bear. That was then, I can only imagine how much worse some kids are now, the kids shows broadcasted here are complete garbage compared to the older series, there is like little to no character depth to alot of these shows, I mean for example in the older batman series, like batman beyond they explore alot of themes which children may not fully understand, but I assure you in the back of their minds connections are forming and their behaviors do get affected by them, like if they see batman depressed their minds will be like "oh our hero batman is feeling down, that doesn't look fun at all, I should avoid making anyone feel this way in real life for that would make me a pretty terrible person" and it ends up shaping their ethical value in a more compassionate/understanding kind of way compared to watching a shows with mindless misdemeanors/punishments without introspection/reflection on impacts such actions can have on others etc.

I could go on and on and probably write out a 10 page+ essay about how things have changed, but this needs to end and get back on topic. I'm a biology major with studies focused on cellular signaling and communication, but to understand the essence of the human body and how it works as one system so I can help people in a different and more traditional way rather than just giving them pills and treating them as if they were just machines that needed oiling, I also take it upon myself to read thru and understand electricity, magnetism, chinese medicine, chi gong, psychology, etc. And you know what I do? I've shunned myself from the rest of society and holed up myself up in the house making money off real estate and blackjack occasionally when I feel like making extra dollars. Real fucking good guy I turned out to be. But as much as I can't stand myself, it pains me even more to have traveled places where men pray 5 times a day to god yet will cheat you without a second thought when they can. To have lived in places where the selfish would rather break mailboxes/steal mail and cause trouble for all those around than get their own shit straight or live with dignity. The truth is years ago, I went travelling looking for a place to die and disappear from this world, but then in that journey realized that there is just as many kind souls as there were bad, I've had complete strangers help me in my travels, people that let me store my belongings in their place without stealing from me or charging me, other travelers that know the lands better guide me thru the places and local policies things they did & didn't do, taxi driver which with miraculous timing would give me a free lift to the destination when my feet was serverly hurt from walking miles on end with all my luggage. It was thanks to the compassion they've shown me that I've been able to muster the strength to come back and continue my studies to one day be able to help others with health problems. But the longer I stayed back in this same society which led me to seek travel in the first place, the more disoriented I become about my purpose of living in this world.

Something deep inside me is broken and probably has been for the longest time, just buried, deep within my subconscious. As much I love people, I also detest them. I can kill people, I don't mind killing people, I can rob people and stir up trouble, why give one fuck about their lives. But I cannot bring myself to do that. I will not do that even if I had nothing to lose because I have always been the class clown, the one that tries their best for the joy of others.

I play this game and others to find some sort of communal experience akin to back when I played D2, the one place where people were there for the individual underneath the clown mask, but it is quite clear to me now that, that was just a childish sentiment which would never be achieved in this day and age. And so in order to maintain my sanity, I am shutting myself from this world, to pile myself amongst books so that I may be ready for when and if the world ever becomes worth living in.

Sincerely,
SIQI

The internet was a lot less accessible back then... and you had to be very proactive in order to pursue your interests. Remember Webrings? Remember hearing about a website through word of mouth? You really did have to work for shit.

I was really into Unreal when it first came out. Yeah, I had a fuckin beefcake machine. 333mhz Pentium 2, 64mb RAM, 7 gig hard drive, voodoo3 and a soundblaster... oh, baby. Well, one of the things that drove me to Unreal was that it had a built-in, fully featured level editor! And of course, the content scene boomed. But only if you knew where to look!

I can't recall the names of the sites off the top of my head, but I was caught in a webring that somehow excluded Planet Unreal, where basically all levels, mods, and things Unreal went to die. I had no idea that this *giant* repository existed. And when I found it, it was joy.

I kinda miss that internet.

I feel for you, and am very much like you. Examination of this truly fucked world should leave anyone feeling a bit depressed and powerless.

My ex's mother was a counselor and she had a poster that was like:

"

grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Just because we are all mostly powerless to change the world in big ways, doesnt mean we should abandon trying to be the best that we can.

From the very highest level, everything is pointless. In deep time, nothing we do or dont do will have any impact. So enjoy yourself while you can. Yet in the short term, we shouldnt lose sight that our actions do have repercussions for good or ill.

The maximization of the sum of future freedom of action for all entities capable of mutual cooperation is what i have decided to be my core philosophy. Empower yourself and others, and destroy/ change that which restricts our societies growth and freedom.

This story was touching and it makes me wish I could offer more than this, but...

Have you considered joining a guild? Once you find some nice people, you can stay in contact with them through a guild, and shut out everyone else, for safety's sake, and you can meet new people if and when you're ready.

"

This story was touching and it makes me wish I could offer more than this, but...

I feel very much the same way. I agree that you should join a guild, problem with that though is that some of the guilds are full of the people you don't want.

I miss the old internet too. Now it is filled with morons and windbags. :(

Society/Community is the same, just your view on it changed over the years. Part of that may be the overflow of information which he human mind can't process so you started shutting yourself down. Try to focus on individuals and their strings of actions to find what you're looking for. Skycore's way seems fine, i´m just disagreeing on his last sentence because concepts of society are a very strange thing to me.

Good read really.

It seems strange to me that you never tried out psychotherapie. You might think that you know what those people will tell you or know most things better than they do. But then you are just fooling yourself.

If you cant overcome this by yourself you need help.

"

it is quite clear to me now that, that was just a childish sentiment which would never be achieved in this day and age.

Has society changed, or have you changed?

If it is community you truly seek, you know where you can find it, don't you? Why aren't the obvious places good enough, or the right ones?