Feeling like a little necro?

The Church of the Mooned

I want to be perfectly clear right from the start. This is not a cult. Cults require too much effort and are fundamentally concerned with everyone doing as they are told to benefit the leader for the most part. I'm fine, thank you.

Important Clarification: Members of this Church are not to be confused with the people commonly known as Moonies. Members of this Church should refer to themselves as they see fit. I don't care. Just remember, you have been Mooned just reading this.

As Leader of the Church of the Mooned, let me assure you, I am far too lazy and uninterested to require that members of this Church do anything other than show up when they feel like it or don't. It won't change anything in the slightest. Chanting is not encouraged.

Membership is free for life.
No money ever is required. (Except as a donation to the game in exchange for certain liberties. Mostly stash slots.)

Membership in other Guilds is permissible.
Special member discount for being a member of the AGW. Take another 10% off the free admission.
Does not count towards GGG points.

Membership in other religions permissible.
Special member discount if you already belong to the 'One True Religion'. Take another 15% off the already free admission too.
Does not count towards GGG points.

Membership requires you to listen to music that you personally find enjoyable. Optionally, you can listen to new music that you may or may not find suits your tastes.

Membership open to all except poisonous Australian Turtles.
I am simply assuming that turtles in Australia are poisonous.

There is a Church Hierarchy, but all titles are honorary and it is up to the individual to convince others that they wield any power.
(Remember what George Carlin said: “I have just as much power as the Pope, I just have less people that believe it.”)

Now the titles:

High Chief Executive Prophet and Supreme all around awesomeness of Greatness (or Nambla for short): MoonYu.

The Exalted Vice Prophet of Everything: Vakirauta
He's been a little bitchy lately and I thought I would throw him a bone.

The Supreme Elder of the Holy Drink: Hardlicker
Whiskey I think, but I'll leave that to him.

Executive Elder of the Guardians of the Forum: Pavshaus
I still hate it when he's right.

Chairperson of Ambiguity: Nightmare90
Or maybe not.

Vice Prophet of Vice: Spoonman
He knows what he did.

Special Guest Star: Bex
Just another obvious kiss up.

High Person of Interest by the Police: VictorDoom
Copygoat!

All titles are open to change. Simply post your desired title and I will either allow it or not care.

Don't see your name here?
That's because I have other things to do.
Every Church needs a list of sins. Here's ours.

It is a sin to judge others publicly.

It is a sin to point out any flaws in the logic of this Church. Unless you really want to.

It is a sin to fart in an Elevator with other people in it. Unless you can keep a straight face and get away with it.

It is a sin to take the last piece of good bread and close the bag back up with two heals still in it.

It is a sin not to put both the seat and the lid down on the toilet.

It is a sin to drink shitty beer. Unless that is all you can afford.

It is a sin to not tip your waitress.

It is a sin to waste time thinking up sins.
(Feel free to add to the list.)



At some point, I may actually have a sermon. But don't count on it.

Have you ever wondered if you may be full of shit? This is a simple test to find out.

Question 1. Do you regularly care about what strangers think of you?

Yes. 0 points
No. 5 points

Question 2. Have ever left the shopping cart in the parking spot next to yours to avoid walking the twenty extra steps to put it away properly?

Yes. 10 points
No. 0 points

Question 3. Have you ever checked someone else's characters to see if your are higher?

Yes. 5 points.
No. 0 points

Question 4. Are you already planning a witty post after completing this test?

Yes. 5 points
No. 0 points

Question 5. Are you cheating on this test already?

Yes. 5 points
No. 0 points

Question 6. Are you going to complain that some of the questions aren't relevant to you?

Yes. 10 points
No. 0 points

Question 7. If you found a large amount of money, would you turn it in to the police?

Yes. 0 points
No. 10 points

Question 8. Have you ever run a red light because it was late and no one else was on the road?

Yes. 5 points
No. 0 points

Question 9 Have you ever lied to get out jury duty?

Yes. 10 points
No. 0 points

Question 10. Do find my posts funny?

Yes. 0 points
No. 15 points.

Question 11. Have you thought about trolling just for the fun of it?

Yes. 10 points
No. 0 points

Question 12. Are you going to actually spend time checking to see if the points in the questions add up to 100?

Yes. 10 points
No. 0 points

Scoring:

100 to 85. You are full of shit. And probably proud of it too.
80 to 60. Yep, full of shit. Now get back to work you aren't doing while reading this.

55 to 40. You are still full of shit. Just aren't as noisy about it.

35 to 15. You are also full of shit. Just are afraid to admit even though the rest of us already knew it.

10 to 0 points. Not only are you full of shit, you are an accomplished liar. Give yourself a pat on the back. You win today's prize.

Trainer's Guide: This document has not been approved by the Company and anyone that refers to it in public will be terminated, then fired.

As a Trainer you have been given what would seem to be an important job for the company. Training the next generation of employees should be both an honor and privilege. Its not, but this manual will help you understand that while the company expects you to try and do your best and they still will not value you or your effort. So armed with this information, you can relax and enjoy the experience.

First things first. No! No! No! There is no extra money for being a trainer. Just get over it. If the company paid you more every time they gave you more responsibility, they would not have enough profit left to fund their lavish (lots of high priced call-girls) parties each week. If you really want more money, lie during your next interview and tell them you have managerial experience. Once you are hired and show them you have no skills in management at all, you will be made Vice President or something.

Warning!!! Any outward sign of any skills other than lying will prove to them you are a common worker and they will fire your ass. Or possibly an 'invite' to the 'company hunting trip'. DO NOT GO! You will not be one of the hunters if you get my drift.

You will need to understand new hires are like putty. They are stupid and useless. They have to be shown everything! Like you have time for that! The trick is to make them fear you right off the bat. Yell about everything. Don't try and limit yourself to work related things either. The weather, your love life, commercials. Teach them quickly that you may be armed and dangerous. This will cut down on the stupid questions they would otherwise ask you.
Worse yet, new hires have a chance of being better at your job than you are. As an outside hire, the company hasn't grown to loath them yet. You need to badmouth them right out of the gate. Poison their reputation as fast as possible to management. This serves two proposes. The first to keep your competition for raises down and secondly, its fun and may be the only (most) enjoyment you get from being a trainer.

The best you can hope for is a promoted employee. They will already have a bad attitude about the company, but still holding out a little hope that the new position will not suck as much. You should foster these false hopes for a week or two depending on if you can keep a straight face or not. Lie to them about how much they can earn if they only can prove themselves to you. Make them think that your training report will have everything to do with their getting a raise at the end of training. As if your opinion would matter to management! But keep the lie alive. Try to get them to do extra work for you. Nothing work related! Have them go and get your lunch on their days off. Get them to wash your car, or let you borrow theirs for a weekend. Do not damage the car, but make sure to use all of the gas and when you return it, ask for some money. Not ask to borrow the money, just ask for it.

*Bonus points if you get several parking tickets that you 'forget' to tell them about when you return the car that results in their car being impounded later and costs them huge amounts of money to get it back with possible court dates too.

The true benefit of being as trainer is the total lack of responsibility. If the trainee fails, its not your fault. As you have already rained down disparaging remarks about everything they have done to date, their failure is your gain. Ask for a raise for noticing quickly that the trainee was worthless and should have never been hired (promoted).
Should they succeed, despite your constant attempts to destroy them, you can claim it was your hardline tactics that brought out the best in the trainee. Either way, ask for a raise for having to deal with the trainee. You will never get more money, but you can enjoy the whining you can do to everyone within air shot about how selfless you are just to help the company's success.
Its surprisingly fun entertainment. Especially when you know everyone in air shot knows it is complete bullshit, but thinks management loves you for it. The truth is management doesn't even know your name or what you do for a living.

Caution!
Before taking on a new trainee, make sure that he/she (let's not kid ourselves, he) is not related to a member a management! Careful questioning before hand can save your ass later. First is to find who they are related to and how good the relationship is. The higher up the management scale, the less it will matter if they are related in any way. Quickly pass them through training with as much ass-kissing as possible.
Make sure to tell them how much you love working for their relative. Then feign astonishment that they are related! No matter if they can't even tie their own shoes (remember lack of actual job skills is a requirement for senior managerial positions), gleefully pass them along. Lie about how great they are and how their talent is being wasted. They should go now to management! Because that is what is going to happen anyway. Any negative comments by you will be used against you on your next review, providing they didn't fire you first.
Just know that when the worthless son of bitch 'is promoted from within', you will not see any personal benefit from being his/her (again lets not kid ourselves, his) promotion to management other than being able to keep your job for a while longer. There is the one chance in a million that your company has an employee of the year award. As the super ass-kissing trainer of the newest member of management, he may remember your name long enough to 'select' you. This saves them the time and trouble of leafing through the company directory to find someone who's name is not too foreign sounding. Plus the task is often regulated to the newest member of management to test them for competency.